She’s Not Sure She Wants To Stay In Our Relationship

What it means if your girl is unsure if she wants to continue in your relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer whose girlfriend of 2 months got turned off, became distant and is unsure she wants to stay with him. He panicked and over pursued. Acted too beta, attached and overstayed his welcome when he went to stay with her. She basically asked him to leave. They haven’t spoken in several days and he doesn’t know what to do.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “She’s Not Sure She Wants To Stay In Our Relationship”.

Well, unfortunately that is what this particular viewer got from his girlfriend of two months. That she wasn’t sure if the relationship was right for her. I think was the language. He’s got the text here that I’ll go through, but he basically found me after this was already going sideways. He’s read the book, I think he says twice.

He, you know, he just read his first and now he’s starting the second. So he basically over pursued like it looks like he went and stayed with her for the weekend because they’re about an hour, hour and a half apart. And he turned that into a three day weekend. And he did not have the self-awareness to realize that he was lingering longer than he was invited to.

And she kind of like, was like, hey, I got stuff to do. And then, you know, they were supposed to do something on Monday and she canceled that. And so he’s just smothering her. And so my suspicion is that the reason why he behaved that way is because he could feel her pulling away. So he thought, oh, I’ll just invite myself to stay longer. Then she’ll have to be around me and she’ll see what a great guy I am.

And and then we just need more time together. So again, this is all before he came across my work. And so they basically, you know, things progressed from there. Again, I’ll go through the text exchange. But now he hasn’t spoken to her in like four days because she was like, you know, talking about how busy she was. And obviously he recognized that she was distant.

And then when he asked her, that’s when she dropped the bomb about not sure she wants to stay in the relationship. So he’s clearly turned her off. He’s acted too beta and again, like lingering and kind of staying at her house for like three days over a long weekend instead of just the night it was planned, unless you’re invited, that’s a bad way to go. It’s kind of like a stage five clinger vibe.

It’s not good. You got to let women come to you at their pace. Your job is just to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Their job is to bond and connect and to open up and receive love and convince you why you should give up all the other girls that you know or are talking to, and only be with her. And right on cue. The dogs gotta bark. Somebody slams the car door or something. They think, oh, somebody’s here.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Just finished my first read through of your book and on my second read through now. Been in a relationship with an amazing sexy Turkish girl.

Well, they like masculine men. They’re not going to tolerate you acting like a puswa for very long.

For the last 2 months and we made it official not too long ago. Over that time she has been sweet feminine and clearly likes that role and wants the man to lead. 

Which it seems like she alluded to and some of their exchanges that he wasn’t really masculine. In other words, she was telling him. I don’t feel safe enough to be really feminine. And so what she’s really saying is that you’re not masculine enough to lead. So I can relax and just trust that you know what to do and where to take us and stuff.

So because he’s obviously displaying a lot of unattractive behavior and, you know, instead of leading, he’s kind of acting more like a clingy chick. And so that’s, that ruins the sexual polarity, doesn’t make a woman feel safe. Because instead of her pursuing him and trying to get his attention, he’s acting too much like the girl and trying to get her attention. Way too much.

Sex has been amazing, and she was texting me all day every day, saying sweet things and everything seemed to be going well. The only complication is she lives an hour and half away, but we were making that work.

So you have to understand, in these cases, there’s again, even a chapter in the book. Women are like cats, basically. And that means when you spend a lot of time with them, they’re going to get their fill, and it’s almost like they don’t want to be around you. And they might even obviously in this case, she clearly made them feel that way. So he needs to learn to recognize that her interest is dropping a little bit because again, they spend a lot of time together. That’s going to be natural.

So you don’t take that personally. You just recognize you got to put the cake back in the oven and let it bake and let the sexual anticipation build once again, let her wonder about you and think about you and start to miss you. And then she’ll reach back out in a few days and be much more excited and enthusiastic than she was the last time you spoke to her. So what’s an art? Learning to do this? And it’s counterintuitive, but that’s why you got to read the book 10 to 15 times.

I should have read the book earlier because I started to over pursue, and I also went to her place 3 times in a row which is a no no.

Yeah, it should be back and forth. And another reason why you do the back and forth, like one week you go there, the next week she comes to your place is number one. You want her to see if she’s flexible. But number two, if she’s not really excited about coming to see you, then you can go a week without seeing her and say, all right, well, you know, maybe the following weekend, you know, because you got to tell her I was like, I want you to. It’s a long drive and I want you to make the effort as well.

And if a woman’s not willing to drive an hour and a half, then she’s not that into you. If you always drive for her, then she starts to take it for granted. And you’re overinvesting and she’s under-investing. And women like you more if they think that they are more into you than you are into them. And when you communicate the opposite, you’re going to get confusing behavior. They’re going to be backing away and acting like this girl was acting.

I know but she does work a lot and my schedule is more flexible.

Well, again, women like a guy. That’s a challenge, not a guy that just bends over backwards and folds like a cheap deck chair.

Things came to a head when I went to her place for 3 days 2 nights and she had to work a lot and we had a dinner date I had booked for the Monday after that weekend. I now realize after reading your book I failed several small tests she was doing over the time we spent together to see if I would stand up to her instead I went into accommodation mode. 

In other words, she got him to go along with things he didn’t really want to go along with to please her because he was worried about her approval instead of just coming out and going, no, I don’t want to do that. I’d rather do this. He’s like, yes, dear, yes, sweetheart, yes, my yes, baby, yes, mommy. I will do whatever you tell me, mommy. You didn’t say that, but you might as well have. That’s the vibe it gets. It’s repulsive.

She later texted her schedule got moved and for me to cancel Monday’s date on the Sunday, when she came home from work that night on the Sunday, she was being pretty cold.

Yeah. So that’s when you know that you overstayed your welcome. But if this is your girlfriend, you’re like, honey, what’s the matter? You seem a little cold, a little distant. And she’s like, well, I got stuff to do. And, you know, I just thought you were coming over. I was like, oh, you want me to leave? Let me get if I overstayed my welcome. She’s like, well, a little bit. I was like, all right, well, you’re obviously taking me for granted.

So then you might reach your little finger out and play with the, clitoris and say, okay, sweetheart, I’m gonna pack my shit and go. And then I would leave. Because again, if she’s not excited to have you there, you’d be okay with leaving. Don’t be mad or butthurt. Just say, all right, well, obviously you need to get caught up on your stuff. So hit me up when you miss me or hit me when you get hit me up when you get when you get all caught up.

I noticed a vibe shift physically and mentally and it was the same in her texting form for that week but just assumes she was overwhelmed with work. Instead of leaving her be like you Coach I went into save it mode and have attached the text exchange, below. I am in blue she is in white.

Instead of leaving her, be like, you teach coach. I went in to save it mode and have attached the text exchange below. I’m in blue. She’s in white. All right.

She said: Good morning my love, noticed the “vibe” has been pretty off the last few days

Oops, that’s not a good sign.

he said: Everything ok between us?

She said: Good morning. I am still evaluating things in my mind, if this is a kind of relationship I want or not.

He said: Okay is it based on anything or just how you are feeling?

She said: Based on everything of course not just feeling. Based on the relationships I had before.

She said: And I don’t feel like feminine enough with you.

So that tells me you’re not being in your masculine. So this is what’s great about what I do is because all women say the same thing. And so when I read something like that, I know right away what his problem is and what he needs to do differently. And so he’s not leading, he’s not being the man. And just little things like sticking, sticking around and lingering for three days and not reading the room and realizing that you invited yourself to stay for an extra long weekend and didn’t realize that she her enthusiasm was waning.

Because if everything is good, but you just spend a lot of time together and it just kind of starts to feel like she’s taking you for granted a little bit. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours and to become scarce. And to recognize like, hey, you seem like you got a lot you got to do. So I’m gonna get out of your hair and head back home. I’ve got stuff I gotta get caught up on and pack your shit. Kiss her goodbye.

Say call me later. Use your fingers. Let your fingers do the walking on certain parts of her body. He’s like, well, think about me this week, babe. And then let her be. That’s what should happen. But when you linger and you’re like, uh oh, and she could feel like you’re clinging and sticking around and you’re not picking up on it. She doesn’t like that. Especially if she can, you know, like he said is that he was a little too accommodating.

It could be something simple, like choosing dinner or instead of saying, you know, hey, why don’t we go here? He’s like, well, what do you want to do tonight? Well, I don’t know. What do you want to do, honey, I don’t know, what do you want to do? Uh, I don’t know. And so when you’re doing things like that, it’s just it doesn’t give a woman a good feeling. It makes her feel like she’s got to be the man too much. And you’re supposed to be more masculine than her. And that’s what she’s trying to communicate.

She said: And I don’t feel like feminine enough with you, or you are deciding something I feel like I have to follow that so many things like thi

He said: The last part I’m trying to understand, like the deciding part? Isn’t part of being masculine making plans for us?

Not sure what you have to follow?

He said: Just trying to understand.

Just trying to understand. Honestly, my last girlfriend was completely opposite, which I know is not what I want. I know I want you and I want to love and care for you, and I’m trying to adjust to give you what you need. But I’ll give you space for you to figure it out. I know he said.

Honestly my last girlfriend was completely opposite which I know is not what I want. I know I want you and I want to love and care for you and I’m trying to adjust to give you what you need.

I know you don’t like talking on the phone when you’re upset, but I have a few things to say. I’m a little sick, not upset. Please understand. I work a lot and one day off only I have to prepare for my interview. Also, if you want to say thing, I’m happy to hear from here. Right? Please.

But I’ll give you space for you to figure it out.

He said: I know you don’t like talking on the phone when you’re upset but I have a few things to say.

She said: I am a little sick not upset, please understand I work a lot and 1 day off only. I have to prepare for my interview also.

If you want to say thing I’m happy to hear from here write please.

He said: I’m not going to have a big conversation over text, haven’t heard from you in 3 plus days. Give me a call when you want to connect, otherwise good luck with the interview.

So that’s basically that’s you standing up to her. That’s you just going. Okay, well, I’m trying to get to the bottom of what’s going on. I mean, we know what’s going on. He’s been acting weak. And she’s like, oh, I’m not sure I want to stay in the relationship. And he’s like, well, I’m not going to sit here and, like, beg and plead with you to talk to me.

It’s like, if you’re too busy to even pick up the phone after two months of dating, it’s like, give me a break. That’s just her stonewalling because her interest is low. She doesn’t really want to talk to him. That’s why the best thing is what he’s doing now. It’s just nothing. At least, you know, as of that text. He should have been congruent with that. Let’s see if he was.

Instead of taking the advice of your book because I was late to get to it and obviously looked you up after things went sideways. I should have setup a date to communicate her concerns instead I said I would give her space. 

Well, I wouldn’t be trying to hang out with somebody that’s basically saying you’re not man enough. And you basically dried me up like the Sahara desert. So that’s the problem is you’re coming at this in the middle of the problem when you’ve acted too unattractive. So what you should be doing is sticking with the book. And quite frankly, based on her behavior and the fact she didn’t even want to talk on the phone, that’s how unimportant you were to her. That’s why your response was actually perfect.

Did not hear from her for 3 days and tried to call. She said she was too busy and to text her even though I knew she had that day off.

I went more firm thinking it was the right play and honestly was kind of pissed off and told her in plain English I haven’t heard from you in 3 days, reach out when you want to connect and now it’s been radio silence for 4 days. 

After reading your book and my second read through I realize I went about things the wrong way. My question is what do I do now?

Would your advice be to just give no contact in this situation?

Yep.

Even though we are in a relationship and she is my girlfriend? Or is that total cold fish?

I truly appreciate any advice you can provide, your book is a goldmine for guys like me and I can’t believe I didn’t find it sooner! 

Thanks

Well again, if you read the room, if you listen to her text, she’s like, yeah, fuck off. I don’t even want to talk to you on the phone. You’re so not important to me right now. So this is the problem. You’re focused on how much you like her and that she’s your girlfriend. But if you look at the text, she’s just basically like, yeah, I don’t even know if I want to be your girlfriend anymore, if I even want to see you. As a matter of fact, I’m unhappy right now and I’m so unhappy. And my respect for you is so low. I don’t even want to talk to you about it.

So she’s basically wanting space and taking space. And whether you realize it or not, you did the right thing. So I would just do nothing because your text was brief and it was to the point. You’re just like, you know, I’m trying to get to the bottom of this. And if you don’t want to talk here, you can reach out when you’re ready. So now one thing you want to assume, say a couple days or a week goes by and she reaches out, wants to break it off. Just say, well, I don’t want to break it off completely.

You know, we don’t have to be exclusive. You know, you can date other dudes, I’ll date other girls or whatever. It’s like, you know, if that’s what you want, then you know, fine. But I don’t want to just not see each other anymore. And I’m not going to be your friend or your pal. So if she reaches out, she might have a better attitude. If a week or two goes by and you haven’t spoken, then she’ll start to go, you know, I kind of was a bitch. I was really cold to him and he’s been really great and I haven’t heard from him. Is he mad at me? Did I push it too far? You want her to start to second guess herself.

And when that gets to that point, that’s when she’ll reach out. That’s why you just have to do nothing. And if you don’t hear from her for 30 days, you’re single and ready to mingle again. So get back out there. But I suspect probably you will be hearing from her, but she might try to squirm out of it. But just remember, your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. If she breaks it off, just tell her, well, I don’t want to break it off, but I think we should get together and hang out. I think you should come to my place.

I’ve been going to your place several times. Why don’t you come to mine? And so for the next couple times, you should make her come to see you. I wouldn’t go see her. And she’s. You know him and. Oh, it’s a long drive. Just say, you know what? I’ve come to you the last three times in a row. So if you don’t think it’s worth your time to drive to me, then you know you got my number. Call me when you’re willing to show me that you appreciate me. Because you clearly don’t right now.

And I’d rather not spend time with you if that’s your attitude. So call me when you miss me and we can get together then. That would be. You know you got to stick to your guns. Again, she’s got to come to you. And just giving her space and letting her be. And let her stew with that and start to think, uh oh, I didn’t really want to completely end it because she didn’t say she didn’t want to see you anymore. She just said she was unsure. And so that’s why you just let her be. So she can be with her feelings and process them. And when she’s had enough time away, she’ll reach back out. And when she does, just assume she’s ready to see you and make the next date hang out, have fun, hook up, keep it simple.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.