She’s Warm & Affectionate In Person, But Cold Over Text

What it means and what you should do if your girl is warm and affectionate in person but cold over text.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who has been dating a woman who is sweet, affectionate and into him in person. However, over text she is cold and distant. She often takes a long time to reply to him. He’s gotten butt hurt over this and told her which is turning her off and makes her back away and make even less of an effort. He’s over pursuing and communicating that he doesn’t feel worthy of her and she is losing respect and attraction for him. I tell him what to do to turn things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be She’s Warm & Affectionate In Person, But Cold Over Text.

Well, I’ve got an email from a guy who started dating a girl and it doesn’t seem like she was real super into him at first, but obviously she must like the sex because when they’re together in person, she’s really sweet, she’s really affectionate, she’s all over him, says lots of nice things, but over text, she’s kind of cold and distant, takes her time to reply. And part of his problem now is he gets butt-hurt at this and starts talking about their relationship. So, I think this guy is relatively new to my work, and doesn’t know much about it. And so, whether he realizes it or not, this girl is making things really easy.

Because as those of you that are familiar with The Book know that the phone is for setting dates, it’s not for giving out information. And this guy is getting all up in his feelings about what’s happening on text. And when they get together in person, she’s screwing his brains out. So, it’s like everything seems to be great in person, but he’s creating unnecessary problems in here, because he’s a little needy, and he doesn’t really understand how game and attraction and dating work, and what turns a woman on and what turns her off.

And so, what’s going on now is his feelings are getting in the way of him keeping this thing going, so he gets upset at her and what happens? She naturally backs off a little bit more because she’s going to lose a little bit of respect, and attraction for him because he’s not acting masculine. He’s communicating that he doesn’t feel like he’s worthy to be with her. And a lot of guys do this without realizing it or not. And so, this girl’s made things pretty easy for him. But he’s doing things to sandbag his own success without realizing it.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

About four months ago I met this girl on a dating app, we talked for a bit, I asked her to give me her Instagram profile.

Well, typically I’d be going for the phone number because if you can chat well on the dating app, then the idea is that you move it to the phone, and then you get on a phone call and ideally if you can, a FaceTime chat, so you can see what she looks like, you can read her body language a lot better.

And the reality is, is most women these days typically are going to be FaceTiming you anyways, once you get a little further down the road, texting for logistics. But most of the time, those guys that are dating typical women these days, it’s like it doesn’t matter what age as well.

It’s like they all use it. They don’t just call, they’ll FaceTime you, especially when you’re closer. But in the initial stages you’re probably going to be doing more texting. But, you know, the idea is if you’re doing online dating, you’re trying to make sure the girl looks like her pictures. And most importantly, you want to make sure that you can carry a conversation with her over the phone.

Because if you don’t like talking to her over the phone, you’re certainly not going to like talking to her when you’re sitting across from her. So, if it doesn’t go well on the phone, it’s not going to go better in person. And therefore, you save your time and her time from going on a date that five minutes after you get there you go, “Man, I need to get out of here. What do I got to do? All right. Just one drink. I don’t want to seem rude, and then I’ll end it early, politely. Hey, nice meeting you. Have a nice life.”

She accepted.

But also, the other flip side is that you can kind of see what she’s posting as well. Maybe you can learn a little bit more about her insight. If you notice, “Oh wow, it’s an OnlyFans girl.” Then that’ll save yourself the trouble. So, you got to look at it is that you’re in the vetting process.

You’re trying to determine, is she easygoing, easy to get along with? Is she good for me? She can be somebody that’s good to date or is she some wacko or somebody on Seeking Arrangement or somebody looking for a transaction? In essence, the hookers have moved to the dating apps these days.

We talked a bit more there on the same day and I asked her out. She said that she had other plans that night and did not reschedule or told me another day. So I gave up and started talking with other women in the meantime.

Well, it sounds like he was asking for a date right on that day. And as the book says, you were like, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime. What’s your schedule like? When are you available?” instead of, “Hey, let’s get together tonight for a date.” It’s much better if you ask her when she’s free and make a date that way. So interesting turn of events though, so it’s obvious she wasn’t into him enough. They didn’t talk enough for her to pursue it. It’s just he tried to ask her out on that specific night. She said she wasn’t available, and he just blew it off.

Fast forward one month, I was with my friends in a club and I saw her. I made sure that she is the one I talked to on social media, and I approached her we chatted for 5 minutes and asked her is she wanted to go out sometimes and she said yes.

Well, does that sound confident? “Would you like to go out with me sometime?” Doesn’t sound very confident. A confident guy would be, “Hey, we should get together sometime and have a drink or dinner or whatever. A drink? Dinner?” Something like that. “We should get together for a drink sometime.” That’s the best way to phrase it. Because if you don’t, if you’re just committed to a drink, then you can have your drink.

If you decide you don’t like talking to her, then you can leave. But if you promised your dinner now, you got more money invested. Because I know obviously a lot of you guys think about those things. I don’t because I like to go to dinner and have drinks. So, because I do well enough not to have to think about those things.

But I remember back in the day when I was broke as a joke as well, you know, you don’t want to go blow 300 bucks on an expensive dinner somewhere and then get a peck on the cheek and you’re like “Pfft.” And you could have saved yourself the time if you screened her out properly.

I did came up the next day with the details about location and time. So we started dating, everything was fine for about two months. She works as a doctor and she changed hospitals, and since then she’s a bit changed.

Well, you got to understand, if you’re dealing with somebody that’s a doctor, all of a sudden, they might disappear in the middle of the day. I’ve had plenty of doctors I coached over the years that missed their appointments when we have phone sessions. And obviously if you book a phone session with me, you’re paying to reserve an hour of my time in advance if you don’t show up, it’s just like a concert ticket.

You’re obviously out your money, but sometimes doctors will have some emergency, and they’re trying to save somebody’s life and the operating table and. They’re just not available. So, you can’t get buttered or perturbed at that. It’s just that’s just the way it goes in medicine. And so, you need to chillax about that a little bit. And the phones were setting dates anyway.

Since then she doesn’t message me as often as she used to, she is really cold outside of real life interaction, she doesn’t seem interested at all in me besides that she always wants to see me every other day. Doesn’t even give me the opportunity to be that’s asking her out.

What’s the problem? She’s texting you every other day, wanting to get together, wanting to have sex, and you’re like. What’s the problem? There is no problem.

Most of our dates are just me going to her place and having sex.

Again, the dudes listening are like, “What’s the problem? You’re not even spending any money on her.”

The sex is indeed amazing but there are times when I feel,

He’s all up in his feelings.

That besides sex there is no connection due to the fact that she has low interest when we don’t see each other.

Well, you always look at somebody’s actions. How are they in person if she’s easy going, easy to get along with and she’s texting you every other day wanting to see you and fuck your brains out. What’s the problem? Problem is you’re all up in your feelings and sounds like you aren’t very busy, man. Maybe she makes way more money than you. Maybe you’re intimidated by that.

And so you feel insecure If she’s not texting you 24 over seven all day. And quite frankly, as a man, you shouldn’t want that. You should be out there slaying the dragons, and focusing on your purpose and your mission in life, not sitting here worrying about when the good doctor is going to come over and play and practice nursing techniques on you. It’s like, come on.

When we are together she’s very clingy and sweet and touchy, she said that she missed me once, but soon after we’re apart we don’t talk much.

Women are like cats, bro. This is why you should read The Book. So, when she acts like a cat, you’re freaking out about it, “Oh, she doesn’t like me.” You take it as a rejection instead of, “She’s probably busy.” So what? Clean out your garage, organize your sock drawer, go get a second job, create a business plan, get an audiobook, do something to improve your value. Go to the gym. Go call your mom. Go hang out with your friends. Have a life outside of this girl. Jesus Christ, dude.

I don’t think I over pursued her since she was initiating contact most of the time.

Well, it should be. I mean, if you’re several months in and you’re following what’s in the book, she’s going to be doing probably 95% of it anyway.

Sending me memes and funny stuff and I always respond, sometimes I send some too.

I mean, this is what you want. If she’s doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing, you don’t have to worry about getting dumped, but getting butthurt that she doesn’t call or text you more. That’s absurd.

At some point I asked her why is she so different after she changed hospitals.

And now notice her reaction here. She’s gonna be like, “What? What? Huh?”

She was slightly amazed by my question because she did not think she did anything wrong.

He’s creating problems where there is none.

I told her that I feel something is off with her, and to this moment I have the same feeling and I feel she is hiding something from me.

Well, maybe you’re just one of the dudes she’s having sex with. “It’s like, who cares?” She’s doing most of the pursuing. You don’t even have to spend money on dates, and you’re getting your brains fucked out, and you’re all up in your feelings trying to create a problem when there is none. Like a butthurt little baby. What do you need, a little atta boy. “Come here. Oh, you’re such a good little boy. He’s a good boy today. You’re so good. Sweet boy. Maybe you get some pussy, too.” Come on. Come on, dude, you can’t act like a man, baby.

She tested me multiple times, most recent one she was talking about a male doctor from her hospital that she hates and feels envy about him because he is a show off.

I’d be like, “Well, who cares? Why don’t you get naked and show yourself off to me? I’d much rather talk about that than this male doctor there. Plus, you can play doctor on me, and I’ll be your patient.”

She talked for a while about him but I did remain unhinged,

Unhinged means you’re like, Ah.

And made jokes about it and everything. 

Yeah, you can’t be butthurt or perturbed. And it’s like at the end of the day, who cares? She’s fucking your brains out. She’s doing most of the pursuing. You’re not her boyfriend. She’s not your girlfriend. It’s like, Come on.

We had another discussion with me telling her that our relationship is not really evolving lately since we do talk less and less and don’t have anything to talk about.

It’s like anytime you do something, maybe you write something and you’re like, you want a friend or family member, “Hey, what do you think of this?” The instinct when you ask somebody like that is, “Hey, what can you find that’s wrong about…? “Hey, I just painted my house. What do you think?” “Well, you kind of missed a spot above the door over there, and under that windowsill over there.

The coat’s a little thin.” It’s like, “Do you like the color?” So, people are negative about that. And so, whatever a woman, whatever you make her feel when she’s with you, is what she’s going to associate with being with you. And you’re going, “Yeah, we don’t ever have anything to talk about.” What do you want her to entertain you? It’s like, “That wall is a little crooked over there.” Driving down the road. I think your back tire is a little unbalanced. May have to take that in for you.

I told her that one of my needs in a relationship is the sense of security and that she is not offering that at the moment.

Oh, man. Dude, you really said that to her. Oh, “I need security. Will you be my mommy? Please call me more and make me feel loved. I need it. I didn’t get enough hugs as a kid.” You’re supposed to be the man and the leader. And it’s like, Come on, dude.

She was a bit annoyed by that because she felt that I’m attacking her, although I was trying to point out that she is treating me like an option.

Who cares at the end of the day, as it says in 3%, Man, your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up relationships, relationship labels, getting locked down. That’s the woman’s department, dude. You’re acting like a chick and she’s getting annoyed with you, obviously. Come on, dude, Get a clue. Read The Book. Stop Cherry picking the videos is not working for you. You’re screwing up a good thing here.

All the time when we text, she is replying very slow although I see her online on other platforms (I know this is wrong).

While she’s replying slow, then you should match and mirror that. And the reason she’s replying slow is it shows a lack of enthusiasm. Or maybe she’s busy. Maybe she’s trying to save somebody’s life at the hospital. It happens. I mean, she’s a doctor, so her hours are going to be weird anyways. If she’s at a hospital dealing with sick patients, like, Come on, dude. Get a hobby. Call your mom. Call your best friends. Go hang out. Do something. Get up. Go travel. Read a book. Clean out your garage. Start a new business.

She seems that in real life so interested and into me but when we are apart, I feel that I am a side guy.

Yeah, because you keep acting needy and it’s like, why would she want to spend; but you’re seeing her like every other day. It’s like, how much time do you want? Do you want to want her to move you in and start paying your bills and you can quit your job.

It started to affect my work and my habits because I am thinking a lot.

Come on, dude.

I am trying at the moment to detach while I am reading 3% Man for the first time.

Well, that will help you. Because you’ll realize how disgustingly unattractive your behavior has been.

I don’t get it why is she treating me like that.

Women are like cats. Don’t take it personally. Has nothing to do with you. And she’s busy. It’s like, get over it.

But then plan vacations together, she acts hot in real life and cold on texts.

It’s like, who cares? The phone is for setting dates. It’s all business.

I’ve been telling myself that she’s not worth my time,

Come on, man. Seriously.

And that I should start treating her more like a hook-up or friends with benefits rather than a girlfriend.

Well, just wait to hear from her and then make the next opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. Take her out occasionally. Do something fun together. Don’t be just completely boring. But obviously she likes to sex with you. That’s why she doesn’t care about going out. She’s probably exhausted and tired and stressed out from her job anyways and likes the fact that you come over and plow her strawberry fields for her.

But the thing is that every time I pull away, she pulls away too. Only few times I reached back to her when she pulled away, most of the time she was doing the initiation with sending me funny stuff, but no conversation at all. How should I approach this problem?

It’s not a problem. You’re making a problem out of nothing.

Since I feel that something is wrong, and she doesn’t inspire much trust.

Who cares? Your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. You’re not her boyfriend. She’s not your girlfriend. She hasn’t asked you to be boyfriend and girlfriend yet. And once you finished going through the book the first time, I’m sure a lot of light bulbs are going to go off in your head and you’re going to go, “Oh, now it makes sense. Now the dots are getting connected.”

She also said that she cannot trust anyone 100%, which for me was a massive red flag since relationship are a bit of a leap of fate to work.

P.S. Please trash me because I know I am weak, I am working hard on it but it’s very difficult to control what you feel since I used to be insanely insecure and needy to the point of destroying one past relationship.

Yeah, dude, it’s like, calm the fuck down. This girl sounds pretty awesome, actually from everything. She’s all over you when you’re in person. Fucking your brains out. Doesn’t expect you to take her out on expensive dates. It’s like, there is no problem. Wait to hear from her. Make the next date. Read The Book. Stop talking about a relationship. Stop trying to lock her down. Just give her lots of happy finishes and you won’t have many problems with her.

I also had some childhood traumas and relationship traumas that I am working on right now. 

Also sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker. 

Well, quite frankly, it was mostly pretty good.

Thank you, I respect your work so much!

Bob

It’s like, yeah, dude, phones for setting dates. You’re creating problems where there are none. And when you bring this shit up with her, you’re just doing things to make you look like a bitch and make you look weak and make you look unattractive. And of course, she’s naturally going to back away when you do that. And so, just match and mirror those actions. If she takes 3 or 4 hours to reply, maybe you take 3 or 4 hours to reply.

Or maybe, if you know, she’s at work and with her patients and she takes three hours to apply, it’s just if you’re available, text her back. It’s like, don’t, don’t worry about it, Stop getting buttered. You got to understand that if you’re dealing with a doctor, it’s like, that’s totally normal. It’s going to happen.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.