Should I Be Concerned About Her Male Orbiter Who Has A Girlfriend?

How to know if you should be concerned about a male orbiter of the women you are seeing.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read my book 20 times. He’s been on a few dates with a girl from work. She is very touchy feely with people at work, including a male orbiter who has a girlfriend. She also mentioned he doesn’t text her enough. He wonders what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And  the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Should I Be Concerned About Her Male Orbiter Who Has A Girlfriend?”

Well, you should never be threatened by another dude. So this particular email is from a guy who’s been on a few dates with a girl from work. He notices she’s very affectionate. She puts her hands. She’s like one of those people that just is always touching people. And so there’s a guy there that he can tell is very clearly interested in her, but he’s supposedly has a girlfriend. And so he saw her hugging this dude at work before he left one day.

And so that’s kind of giving him pause a little bit. But at the end of the day, if you got male orbiters or there’s other guys, what you want to do is back off a little bit. Because when a woman has multiple choices, 2 or 3 different dudes she’s talking to, and she’s kind of interested, and they’re all about the same level of interest on her part towards them. She’s going to test the shit out of all guys to see which one is the most masculine.

I know it’s counterintuitive, but you’re actually going to back off and kind of slow things down a little bit. Especially if she’s got an attitude or like in this case, it just seems like she’s inviting attention from everybody in the office and hugging everybody. You know, if this girl becomes your girlfriend, you don’t want to watch her hugging other dudes, especially dudes that are clearly hitting on her and trying to flirt with her because that’s not a good sign.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I am writing this because I am not entirely sure of a girls headspace that I am currently seeing. I have read the book about 20 times.

Good job.

But right now I am getting some mixed signals. I know that if it gets to this point it should be over and moved onto the next. We met at work and have been on a few dates. We kiss and she gets touchy at work. There is this male orbiter that clearly is attracted to her, almost simp like behavior. He claims to have a girlfriend but seems to want to make some moves. Now this girl is touchy towards everyone in a neutral type of way and I even noticed her hugging him as he left.  When we were out on a date she mentioned she views him as a friend and how he has a girlfriend. I don’t use her words as affirmation but the way of her actions. She mentioned that I don’t text her enough. 

Well again, he’s only been out on a couple of dates. And the fact that she’s noticing that, in other words, usually what that means is, “I wish I heard from you more. I wish we talked more.” But the phone is for setting dates. So when you haven’t slept with a girl and you’ve only been out in a couple of dates, it doesn’t warrant treating her like a girlfriend. And so it’s always better when you hear these things to answer a question with a question. So she says, “You don’t text me enough.” It’s like, “What do you mean?” “Well, most guys that are I’m dating or I date or tend to text me, you know, multiple times a day.”

I was like, “Well, we’ve been on two dates. It’s like we haven’t even slept together yet. So I barely know you, so you can’t expect me to start sending you good morning and good night texts. But my question to you is, if you want to hear from me more, why haven’t you texted me? That tells me you would like to talk. You would like to see me. You would like to interact. But you’re holding back on purpose. And so, like, why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you just say, if you’re thinking about me, say, ‘hey, you, I’m thinking about you. I love seeing your name pop up in my phone.’ It’s like, why wouldn’t you do that? I mean, I’m not a mind reader, so if you do want to text more, then reach out. If you want to talk more, reach out.”

But you gotta understand, I’m not a text guy. You know, when I look at Social Media and all the texts and the phone calls I get, it’s kind of overwhelming, especially with Social Media these days. And, you know, quite frankly, I just I like to use a phone for logistics for everybody. I even do it with my parents. It’s nothing personal. It’s just the way I am. If you’re looking for a digital pen pal and you need a guy to be available 24/7 to text you, it’s like I’m not the right guy for you then. But if you do want to reach out, you want to chat. I’d love to hear from you. And if I’m available, we can get together and see each other.

She mentioned that I don’t text her enough. I use the phone for setting dates while only doing small talk when she asks a question or statement. No more than two to four texts from be at that point until the date. I don’t confront her about the times she hugs or talks to the male orbiter so that I don’t come across as needy and insecure.

Well, that’s another thing. It’s like, really, if you get to the point where she’s really serious about you and wants you to be her boyfriend, I would bring that up. Then I would say, “Well, I like you a lot, and I’d be open to being exclusive with you, but I’d want to see your behavior kind of change. And I’ve just noticed that you’re very affectionate to everybody in the office and other dudes, especially towards Bob, who supposedly has a girlfriend. And it looks pretty clear that he’s into you romantically, and it seems like he tries to flirt with you at times. And so if I’m going to be in an exclusive relationship, especially with somebody I work with, I don’t want to see her going up and hugging other dudes from the office, whether they’re single or in a relationship like that.

I know you’re kind of touchy feely and you like to put your hands on everybody, but those are the kind of things that kind of give me pause. Because if this guy’s hitting on you or trying to flirt with you, you’re not shutting that down. You should be saying, ‘hey, you have a girlfriend. That’s kind of inappropriate for you to say that or to do that.’ You should be checking him on those things. So if you want me to be your boyfriend, I would want to see that behavior change before I would agree to that.” And so what that would do is would tell her that you’re selective and you have boundaries. And there’s some behavior that you’ve noticed with her that you don’t really like.

I don’t plan on mentioning it even though I see her going to his side of the office to talk or when he comes to my side and hovers over her.

Yeah, I would point that out. I was like, “Well, I see going up to the guy a lot, and it’s like, if you’re doing that, it’s going to give him the green light to continue to be interested in you.” And oftentimes, the guys will flirt with another girl and try to line up a girl while (they’re in a relationship) even though they supposedly have a girlfriend. And if you and I are dating, and I see you giving attention to another man who clearly is interested in you.” That’s not the actions of a girl who really values loyalty. That’s a girl that she invites attention from everybody. Even when she’s in a relationship. And I’m just not cool with it. I’m not down with that. It’s not my kind of thing. I like a woman who’s family oriented and loyal and is not going to be going up and hanging and flirting with other dudes in the office, single guys and married guys or whatever.

I have other girls that I am speaking with just so that I don’t get any attachments. At this point I don’t have one singular girl that I could consider committing to entirely until I see signs that’s they would rather be exclusive. At this point I’m going to pull back a bit t to see if she will reach out more both in person and over the phone.

Yeah, and if you’re noticing this girl going to this guy’s office and hanging out for a long time and talking longer than she needs to, in other words, she should only be going to this dude’s office if they got something to talk about at work. But if she’s just going in there to shoot the shit, and he comes over to her desk and shoots his shit, it just looks like she’s inviting attention from him. And the fact that he’s coming over to her, it’s like she’s giving the green light. And those are not the actions of somebody that I personally would want to get serious with.

And so again, when it gets to that point, or if it gets to that point and she says she’d like to be exclusive, I would deny being exclusive. But I would tell her that I’m open to it if I saw this behavior change. So it’s just, I don’t like that. I don’t really want to have a girlfriend that thinks it’s okay to go hang all over every dude in the office and go sit in their office. And because any man, when a woman sits down in front of him who’s attractive and just wants to talk and shoot the shit, at some point he’s going to think, “this girl must like me. She had no reason to come to my office. She’s not coming to talk about business. She’s coming to hang out.”

It’s like, “If you want me to be your boyfriend and you want to talk to somebody, I would think that you would want to come over and talk and hang out with me, instead of going and talking to some other dude.” Because if we work together like we’re boyfriend girlfriend, it’s like, hey, Bob, why is your girlfriend always in that dude’s office? Why is she always hugging these guys goodbye? That’s just not a good look for me. You know, they’re going to look at me like, dude, you allow your girl to do that. So that’s what I would do if I were you. I’d pull back a little bit. Just like you’re thinking about doing.

Don’t reach out to her as much and see if she notices. See if she reaches out to you or that changes. But if she starts devoting more time and attention to him, then you might as well just not even call or text her for any reason and just start dating somebody else. Because that’s typically not a good sign. Because girls that come from broken homes and weren’t raised properly, weren’t raised right, didn’t have a strong, masculine man who really loved them and made them feel safe and taught them what masculine love is really like. They tend to seek attention from other men.

And it doesn’t matter whether they’re in a relationship or they’re married or living with a guy. They’ll give out their number and say, “Oh, we’re just friends.” And they’ll say that you’re controlling if you bring it up. But it’s called mutual respect. If you’re going to be in a relationship as a man, you’re not going to be hanging all over and going up and hugging all the pretty, cute single girls in the office, and vice versa. You don’t want to see your potential girlfriend doing that with every dude in the office.

Because again, if any relatively attractive woman that does that with random men, whether they’re in a relationship or not, those guys on some level are going to think she likes me. She wants she wants to date, she wants to smash. And I just don’t want to be with a woman in a relationship that thinks it’s okay to do that. If you think it’s okay to do that, then that’s fine. We can be friends with benefits, but I’m not interested in a relationship.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.