Should I Be Worried About My Girlfriend’s Male Mentor?

How to determine if your girlfriend’s male mentor is a threat to your relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend has severe anxiety and other mental health challenges. She’s behind graduating college as a result and the college has assigned her a male mentor to help her study and support her through the semester because no women were available.

He wonders if this guy could become a threat to their relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer. He’s 25, his girlfriend’s 24, and I guess she’s a little behind in college because she apparently suffers from severe anxiety and has other mental health challenges. So that’s kind of sub-optimal. You’re looking for somebody who’s easy-going, easy to get along with, who’s healthy, got her act together, but the more problems and health issues a woman has, especially if she’s not managing them well, that’s something you gotta look at. So because she’s behind, because of her anxiety and other mental health challenges, the college, I guess she asked for it, or maybe the college assigned her. They said, “Hey, you need a mentor,” somebody that can basically help you with your studies. Also somebody that can, I guess, emotional support. I don’t know if this person’s a therapist or whatever, but she requested a woman, but the school is like, “Well, no women volunteered. So you got a dude.”

So she hasn’t started working with this guy yet, but all of a sudden he’s going, “Wait a minute. Now she’s gonna be hanging out with this dude one-on-one.” So under normal circumstances, especially if it’s the school setting this up, I would imagine they’re going to probably meet on school property, like at the library or in a class or something like that. It’s not going to be that she’s expected to go to his house or whatever. If that’s the case, that would be inappropriate. It’s just like, if you want to advertise on Indeed or something like that, you have to have a business. They’re not going to allow you to advertise if you’re working from home. So in this case, just because of the liability, obviously still got the MeToo era, it’s not that far behind us, but I can’t imagine a college would send a girl to some dude’s house, “Oh yeah, he can help you.” So more than likely, it’s going to be on school property.

So common sense would say, because this guy’s young, he doesn’t know how to handle this. It’s making him feel uneasy. What happens if a guy turns out to be really good looking? He’s charming and he’s trying to get in her pants? Well, this is one of those kinds of things. The way you should look at it is, “Well, now I get to really vet my girlfriend and see what her character’s really like,” especially if the guy turns out to be handsome or charming or who knows? More than likely, he’s probably a dork that’s probably been in school too long, so he’s probably got no skills. Who knows? Maybe the dude has some skills, but more than likely he doesn’t. Maybe he’s an intern or a PhD candidate or something like that.

So at the end of the day, you could be the best boyfriend in the world, and if you’re with a girl that’s a liar and a cheater, she’s gonna give other men the green light to try to seduce her despite the fact she’s taken. So that’s what you’re trying to determine. Is this somebody that you can really trust long term? In other words, if this guy starts hitting on her, is she going to tell you about it? If it makes her feel uncomfortable, is she going to put a stop to it? Is she going to go to the school? “Hey, this guy’s hitting on me. He’s trying to date me. I need help. I didn’t need this,” but if the guy continues to hit on her, she complains about it, “Oh, he’s ugly. He’s not my type. I would never date somebody like that,” and every time they get together, he’s hitting on her, yet she keeps doing it, she doesn’t complain about it, doesn’t doesn’t put a stop to it, maybe comes and tells you, then yet doesn’t do anything about it, then you’d have to assume on some level she likes it because again, they’re women that come from broken homes. Especially when dad’s not around, they never learned healthy ways to get male attention. And so any male attention they typically like, even when they’re in a relationship, they’ll give out their number to men that are interested and go, well, he’s just a friend or he’s a good customer, a good client.

So it’s pretty simple. Does she keep the boundaries? In other words, is this strictly at school thing? But then also, if she’s calling on this guy for emotional and mental support, if he’s kind of like a therapist or whatever, is he going to use that? So we don’t really know what the circumstances of this guy are and what this dude’s qualifications are and what is the relationship actually going to be like? Is he just helping her with studies? Because the way the guy worded it in the emails, it sounds like he’s going to help her with her schoolwork and he’s going to help her with support, but he doesn’t really elaborate if that’s emotional support, mental support, he’s a therapist for a sounding board because in reality, if she’s struggling, she should be coming to her man. He should be her rock, her man. When she’s worried about something, she should be telling him, not some other dude. Is this other guy going to try to interject himself into their relationship? Those kinds of things.

So I would have an open mind about it because again, this guy can be a benefit. So you can know what she’s really like. Is she somebody that’s trustworthy or not? Because quite frankly, you don’t know. You don’t know until you’ve been with somebody long enough. What happens when you get busy with work? You’re not dating and courting her as much. Maybe you’re staying late, you’re working extra hours, you’re trying to get a promotion or whatever, trying to move up the ladder, or you’re growing a business. You don’t maybe take the time to open her up. You’re a little stressed. You’re short with her sometimes. What happens then? Does she talk to guys like this more? Does she sit down and come to you with the problem? That’s when you’re going to really know what you’re dealing with. What happens when she’s not super happy, she’s not super in love? Because you got lazy, you got complacent, or just life challenges happen. How does she react then? That’s why, ideally it’s best to date for two or three years so you get a good sample size of what she’s like and you get way out of the honeymoon period, the infatuation period, and then you see what you really got and what you’re dealing with.

So as Ronald Reagan said, “Trust, but verify.” You know she, all of a sudden, once she’s worked with this guy, shes leave the room every time he calls, is she always hiding her phone from you? Does her behavior change? These are things you’re going to want to look for. I have a lot of phone sessions with guys that are in these kinds of situations. I had one just just the other other night with a guy whose girlfriend works for the other man, and she’s very beautiful and guys are always hitting on her and it’s continually happening, and I was chatting with him about, does she shut it down? Is it inappropriate? Does she complain about it but still allow it to happen? That’s the real issue. Loyal women who really value their relationship are going to nip it in the bud, and if the guy doesn’t stop, they’re going to either leave that organization or that job, or they’ll fire that person or they’ll get somebody else, but a woman who complains about a guy constantly hitting on her and talking about how she’d never date that guy, yet doesn’t do anything to stop it, well then you have to assume on some level she likes the attention and she likes giving him the green light to try because maybe deep down she wants to sleep with him.

So it’s like, you don’t know what you don’t know, but if you become incredibly insecure about it, you get mad, and you get angry, then what’s going to happen is she’s just going to stop telling you those things, especially if you make it look like you just can’t handle it. So it’s better to have her thinking that you trust her implicitly, with obviously some guardrails. Then you can see, does she violate them or not? Does she respect the boundaries or not?

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I have a question about my relationship and I’d really appreciate your perspective. BTW, I’m 25 and my girlfriend is 24. My girlfriend struggles with severe anxiety and some other mental health challenges.

Well, quite frankly, you’re doing her a favor by dating her with those issues. Hopefully she’s got them under control.

Because of this, she’s had a difficult time keeping up with college.

Well, think about that. She’s struggling with college. What happens when you have kids? What about that? What about when she’s got a career and you got kids or whatever? How does she handle it then? Because you got to think about those kinds of things. You know, carry the relationship forward in a few years. What happens if you have a family with her? If she can’t handle going to college and drops out or quits because she gets overwhelmed with anxiety or whatever, it’s like when you got a kid or you’re both working to support your household, you cannot afford to have your teammate just basically flail around and not be able to carry her workload or her responsibilities.

You look for somebody that’s happy, whole, complete, competent, disciplined, has their life together, not a fixer-upper, a project, somebody’s got to take care of or a girl you got to rescue because she came from a broken home. Like a lot of guys do that. They really care and they think, “Oh, I can fix her. I got Corey’s book. It’ll solve the broken home issues.” No it won’t. The book is designed to work on healthy, normal women that were raised right.

Next semester, the school is assigning her a mentor to help her manage her studies and support her through the semester.

The thing is, she really wanted a female mentor because she feels more comfortable with that, but no women volunteered.

So it’s a voluntary type of position. That’s why I’m assuming it’s like maybe a guy that’s a teacher’s assistant or he’s getting his PhD or something. Those are usually those type of guys.

The only mentor available is a man, so that’s who she’ll be working with.

Normally I’m a pretty relaxed and trusting guy. I don’t consider myself jealous or controlling, and I don’t want to become that guy. But when I found out that another man will be spending one-on-one time with her, supporting her emotionally and academically, I felt a knot in my stomach.

Well again, what happens months down the road when she’s mad or she’s upset? Is she going to go to the mentor or is she going to continue to go to her boyfriend, especially when it has stuff to do with their relationship? So what happens? Does she change? Also, if she’s meeting one-on-one, it should be on school property, not at this dude’s house or whatever, or him coming over to her house one-on-one. That’s just kind of inappropriate. I can understand if it’s a woman, but a guy? I mean, if you ever buy any furniture or you deal with an interior designer, typically they’re going to send two girls out. They’re not going to send one girl by herself just because it’s like common sense.

So these are kind of some of the things, because if she’s talking about it, maybe she’s feeling a little nervous or anxious, just say, “Well, don’t put yourself in a position where it’s uncomfortable. If the university is providing this guy, you should be meeting him on school property where there’s other people around not expected to go to his house at 11:00 at night on a Saturday or Friday, or him coming over to your house. That would be inappropriate.” Is the context of their conversation strictly about the schoolwork, or is she expected to tell him her whole life story, everything that’s going on in our relationship? It’s like, what are the expectations? What is this guy providing? How is he emotional support? What kind of emotional support is he going to provide that the boyfriend can’t? Is this guy qualified? Is he a therapist? Is it special help or is it just some guy that’s getting his PhD where he’s at? He’s a teacher’s assistant, or maybe he teaches some classes or whatever. So why would somebody like that be expected to help a woman emotionally if that’s not his training?

Again, that should be something that she should be coming to her boyfriend if she’s upset or struggling or whatever. Remember, if you’re her rock, she comes to you. If you’re not a rock, then she goes to another guy, that’s not good because then she’ll start developing feelings for him because he’s making her feel heard and understood and he’s opening her up. Especially if he has interest in her romantically and she starts talking about things other than what they’re supposed to talk about and he doesn’t shut it down, you could understand why this guy would be apprehensive.

I trust my girlfriend, and I know she didn’t choose a male mentor on purpose. At the same time, I can’t ignore how I feel, and I kind of know how women work, you never know. That’s life. 

Well, that’s why you want to find this out. How does she behave? Does she give you more reasons to trust her and go, “You know what? This really is a good woman?” Or does she start getting sneaky? Does she start hiding her phone? Does she start looking like she’s guilty? Again, this is good because that’s the way I would look at it, because it’ll tell you whether or not she’s really somebody you could trust.

Part of me wonders if I’m overthinking this, like will she develop feelings for this guy? While another part wonders if my feelings are valid.

Well, I definitely think they’re valid and it’s understandable. So it’s like, what are the contexts in their interactions? What are the boundaries? And what is this guy expected to provide for her, or to her?

How would you handle a situation like this?

Well, say she just met with a guy for the first time. “Well, how’d that go? Did you feel comfortable? Did you feel safe? Was it on school property?” Again, if she’s an anxious person and she feels a little uncomfortable, again, if this guy’s provided by the school, everything done should be on school property. They should not be or he should not be expecting you to go to his house at 11:00 at night for tutoring or whatever, or vice versa, dropping by your place at 11:00 at night. It should be professional and above board, and you should always feel safe. “Don’t ever agree to do something if you’re apprehensive about it. If he asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, run it by me and I’ll give you my feedback.” Again, if you’re her rock, she’s going to tell you all this stuff, and then you can just listen. Again, good quality questions.

So you wouldn’t come from a place of insecure, you just be curious, but if you hear, “Oh, I’m going to go to his house at 11:00 at night. He’s a really nice guy.” He’s like, “Ah, I don’t think so. That’s not OK. You should be meeting at university property,” but if she insists, “Oh, you’re being controlling. Nothing’s going to happen,” it’s like, “Well, is this guy single? So you’re going to go to his house at 11:00 at night to study, but he’s a great guy and I got nothing to worry about? Would you be OK with me going over to some girl’s house at 11:00 at night who’s hot, probably has a crush on me? And you’re like, ‘Just trust me, babe. Come on.'”

Would you simply trust the process and let it go?

Well, I’d let her tell me about it because, again just like I’ve been saying throughout the video, what is the context? Where are the interactions happening? If it’s on school property, which it should be, then it shouldn’t be an issue and like during normal hours, like 9 to 5 during the day or something. Again, if it’s like late nights at his place or her place with just the two of them, that doesn’t sound OK, and if she starts insisting that’s totally normal and fine and you should totally trust her, then you might have something to worry about.

Would you communicate your feelings to your girlfriend, or would that come across as insecurity? From your perspective, where is the line between healthy intuition and unnecessary jealousy? I’d really appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks, Mr. Wayne! 

Bob

Well again, it’d be in the context of her telling you things that. So if you hear something like I’ve mentioned throughout the video that, again if it’s supposed to be separate and school related, then everybody’s going to be at arm’s length. It’s going to be on school property there. She’s not be going to his house late at night or whatever, vice versa, but what if she’s struggling emotionally? Is this the guy she’s supposed to call when she’s having a hard time in life? That should be a call that goes to the boyfriend and not some random dude. Unless, of course, he’s like a therapist or something like that. Again, it sounds like he’s volunteering. That just sounds like somebody at the school to help her study, or maybe he’s like a mentor to help her manage her mindset to get through school or whatever. So I keep your eyes open and look for signs that inappropriate things would happen. Again, gotta respect those boundaries, and she either will or she won’t. That’ll tell you really what you’re dealing with.

So from a vetting perspective, I would just look at this as a really good vetting opportunity to determine whether or not this is somebody you could really trust long term, because quite frankly, you are doing her a favor with all the problems that she’s got because most guys wouldn’t want to deal with that shit.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.