Should I Commit To Her After Only 2 Dates?

What it means and what you should do if a woman wants a commitment after only 2 or 3 dates.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 20-year-old viewer who claims to have read 3% Man, 30 times. He is about to move out of state in three weeks. He just met a girl he really likes, but after only two dates she is already talking about a commitment from him. She says she goes from relationship to relationship and has BPD. It’s obvious she is needy and insecure along with some mental health issues.

He’s seriously considering becoming her boyfriend and doing long distance for several years before she would move to be with him. He’s obviously very naive and inexperienced, which is why he’s even considering becoming her boyfriend without doing any serious vetting. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Part of the dating process is you want to vet the women properly. Do you get along? Do you have similar goals, similar values? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with or not? Does she communicate well?

Ideally, you’d want a girl that’s family oriented, that has a good relationship with her father and her mother, and that the relationship with the father is healthy, because if she has a bad relationship with her father or non-existent or it’s toxic, what’s going to happen is they’re going to be really difficult to get along with, and they often have like no chill factor.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello, Mr. Wayne!

I’m a 20-year-old male who’s read your book more than 30 times at this point in the last 4 years since discovering you on YouTube as a clueless teenager. Today, I’m in bit of a pickle, just because I’m admittedly letting my feelings get the best of me, and I need you to give me a harsh wake up call; possibly in one of your upcoming videos, lol. 

I’m moving to another U.S. state far away from my current one in 3 weeks, and earlier this month, I attended a local event for a hobby that I’m really passionate about. I had no expectations going in, except to make some new friends and enjoy one final event in my state before my big move. 

While there, I struck up a conversation with a group of guys and girls who were sitting together. I talked to each of them individually and got all of their numbers as an attempt to make more friends, not thinking anything of it, like I said. 

Two days later, I get a text from one of the cute girls I met in the group (she’s 20 as well). I make casual conversation with her, until she suddenly tells me that she has a crush on me.

That’s always nice. Women help you when they like you. If you guys are familiar with the book, he’s given out his numbers, not looking for anything. He’s like, “Hey, I’m out of here. I’m moving away,” and so this cute girl reaches out to him and let’s her interest be known.

I was quite taken aback, but since she was cute, I decided to use to this as an opportunity to make a date (women help you when they like you)…

Yeah, that’s right out of the book.

…And enjoy myself before I leave. I told her upfront that since I’m moving, I’m not looking for a relationship, but that I’m still open to having a good time. She said that she (apparently) felt the same way. After we’d set the date, she would text me, “Good Morning,” and message/call me throughout the day, despite me aiming to use the phone to strictly set dates. She still does this.

Right away, if you just start dating a girl, at this point he hadn’t even gone out on his first date yet. He just made it, and already she’s texting and calling him, constantly shows high interest. What it also reveals is that she’s probably incredibly insecure, and these kind of women will drive you nuts down the road.

Guys that don’t know any better often times get into this texting and calling constantly. Then over several months when they start backing off, just because guys typically do that, it’s a big complaint women have about men is that, “Hey, it was romantic at first and then he just stopped.” When you start to back off and are not always available and then they accuse you of cheating or not caring, it’s because you train them that you’re always available.

It’s super important in the beginning that you’re not available 24/7 because if you become that way and you behave that way in the first few months, she’s always going to expect it. Then when you back off, which men invariably do, once they get comfortable in a relationship, then she’s really going to give you a hard time about it. It’s important to think, how are you training them to respond and react to you and hear from you?

Finally, we went out, and had an first amazing date. We had our second date a few days ago, and are going on our third date tomorrow.

It’s a lot of dates in a short period of time, but she’s doing all the pursuing probably, but again, looking like she’s pretty needy and insecure.

She’s gorgeous, funny, witty, and smart. Truly everything I want in a girl, and definitely a rarity in my awful state. I haven’t felt like this about a girl in so long. 

Here are the issues I’m having, however:

1. She claimed she wasn’t looking for a relationship either, but has been asking if I’m seeing anybody else because, “She isn’t.” When I asked her what she meant by that, she told me that she’d like to be in a relationship with me, but wants to wait until our third date to “officially” ask me because, in her words, “The third date is when I to make things more serious.”

That’s like, way too soon.

I really like her, but I think that might be a bit too fast.

Yeah definitely, dude.

I didn’t really respond to this out of not knowing what to say (I was torn between committing to her right no or waiting it out, like I am now)…

Yeah, you shouldn’t be committing after two dates, dude. That’s ridiculous, but when you’re 20 and you don’t have a lot of experience and you really like the girl, you’re kind of on the flow of your emotions. That’s where guys make a lot of mistakes. They just follow what they feel instead of logically and being rational about the situation, because our emotions will override our logic and often times it cause us to make bad decisions that we later regret.

The idea with the book is you’re taking measured steps. You want to get a girl to the point where she’s pursuing like this, but after two dates in, she says, “Oh, I’m not looking for a relationship either.” But when you say that to a girl, scarcity creates value.

Whether you realize it or not, that’s going to cause most women to try harder to win you over. If you’re dealing with a needy, insecure girl, it’ll cause her to start blowing your phone up right away and it’ll bring out the bad behavior really quickly.

…But basically dodged her response by continuing to tease and be playful with her.

2. She was dumped by her apparently physically and verbally abusive ex just three weeks ago, and told me that this is the longest she’s been single.

Three whole weeks is the longest she’s been single, she says.

“I tend to jump from relationship to relationship. I hate being single,” she told me.

3. She randomly brought up that she wouldn’t mind being long distance, but that she wants to remain in our home state for at least a few years, while I want to GTFO of here.

4. She has bipolar disorder and BPD.

This is kind of a big one. The important thing with somebody that’s got mental health is do they take their medication and do they focus on self care? That’s the issue. Quite frankly, a lot of them don’t.

My mother was a psychotic schizophrenic, and she always thought there was nothing wrong with her. She would not stop taking her medication and then she would just flip out and be totally loopy and literally out of her mind and see things that weren’t there. Talk to spirits of people that were dead and all kinds of weird things were going on.

You have to really get to the issue and find out if somebody is telling you right up front, they got their bipolar is do they take their medications? Are they disciplined with it? That’s the important thing. Do they keep their appointments with their mental health professional? Is their mental health something that they really focus on or are they lazy and a mess?

These are things you have to determine and people can hide who they are for the first 90 days of a relationship, and this guy is getting ready to dip out in a matter of weeks and move to another state. It’s going to be really hard to really get to know what this woman is like.

5. She made out with her friend’s cheating boyfriend in high school, but apparently regrets it now. 

6. I despise long distance relationships (having been in a few in the past before finding Corey’s work) but I’d only be willing to do another one if my girl promises to move to my area in a maximum of three years or less.

Well, I wouldn’t want to be dating somebody that long. Three years, long distance? I mean, you’re on a second date and you’re already thinking about two, three years down the road. You got to live in the moment. The book talks about that, because the idea is you’re trying to go and take measured steps and go slightly slower than she is.

Now, if a woman is a lunatic or she’s needy and she’s insecure, that’s going to cause her to go berserk and go ballistic on you. That’s what you really want to see early on. You don’t want to find out six months later that she’s a lunatic or a fruit loop. You want to find out as quickly as possible so you can dip before your emotions get involved.

7. There are two other girls waiting to meet me in my new state, but I don’t like them as much as I like this one.

Dude, you’re 20 years old. Give me a break. Take your time. You’re in no rush. There is another bus every 15 minutes. That tells me his mindset is scarce. Like, “Oh my God, I may never meet somebody else like this again.” That’s how I felt when I was his age, but life is long, man. I’m 53 now and even at 53, there’s another bus every 15 minutes.

You have to think that way. There’s always another client, there’s always another job. There will always be another stock market rally when the stock market is going down. You got to think in terms of decades. Life is long. You want to think like a turtle and move like a turtle. As Rumi said, “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush.“

8. Despite really liking her, I’m considering waiting 90 days before I accept any commitment from her…

That’s a good. That’s smart.

A) See if she sticks around and isn’t rebounding. B) See if we still have the same connection via FaceTime dates like we do in person before I commit, and C) Because I know Corey says people can hide who they are really are for the first 90 days, so I want to test that.

Plus on top of that, you’re going to be long distance, so you’re not going to be around her all the time enough to really see what she’s like.

Is 90 days too long, though?

Absolutely not, dude, and the fact that you’re long distance, it may take you six months to a year before you really find out what she’s like. The reason it’s 90 days, when people spend enough time together, they really can’t hide who they are anymore. They become who they are, and it comes out. That’s why if somebody is giving you a false perception of who they are, after 90 days, they get so comfortable. You can only tell so many lies and show so many misrepresentations before the real truth comes out.

If you’re long distance, if you only dated for two or three weeks in your city before you leave, it may take you up to a year to get her to the point where she’s really comfortable, and you want to know what she’s like when the infatuation is gone, it’s worn off and you’re just used to the day in day out, week after week, month after month.

A big part of relationships really is learning to exist with one another and learning to be with one another and put up with each other’s weird idiosyncrasies, habits, moods and everything else.

I guess I’m just worried about how to communicate that I want us to take our time, but that I’d still love to be with her if she sticks around and asks me again after the 90 days. What do you all think?

I think you should just casually date her and say, “Look, we’re going to be long distance. I’m not looking for commitment. I told you that when we first when you first texted me.” As a man, you’ve got to be congruent with that. You can’t say I’m not looking for a relationship and then commit to a relationship after two dates. It’s absurd dude, come on.

I think I know what to do, but I still need some encouragement from you, and I will keep you updated. Thanks for all you do!

Bob

Well, if I was you, I would just hang out, have fun and hook up while you’re in town. Once you leave, you’ll be like, “Hey, I’m not really looking for a relationship. Like I told you at the beginning, I don’t really want to do long distance, but we have a lot of fun,” and invite her to come visit you and see how she is. Then maybe the next month, you go and visit her. If you’re trying to get the hell out of the state, I wouldn’t be committing to some girl you’re only going to see every once in a while.

Besides, if she has to earn your commitment, she’s going to appreciate it a lot more than if you just commit to it. I mean, think about it. She just broke up with somebody three weeks before and he was abusive among other things. Women stay with abusive guys because they typically have low self-esteem.

So we’re already seeing indications that she’s got self-esteem issues. On top of that, she’s bipolar and we don’t know how disciplined she is with her medications. You won’t learn that until you spend enough time with her. That makes it way harder if you’re living in another state.

If I was you, I would be open to dating her and hanging out with her, but I would also be open to seeing what happens when you get to your new state, because when you get to your new state and you’re happier, you love the area, you love the job you have, everything’s a radical improvement over where you left, you’re going to be more attractive to women. You’re going to be able to attract more attractive and better quality women when you’re happier.

You might find in a couple of months after you’re there, that you don’t really want to date this girl very much. I would not be committing to her. That is just dumb and naive.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.