Should I Propose Or Walk Away After 10 Years?

How to determine if you should marry a woman who invites attention from other men.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a German viewer who has been long distance with his girlfriend of 10 years for about half of their relationship. He recently discovered she had been texting with a guy in Spain who made his romantic intentions clear. She never mentioned she had a boyfriend.

He is torn because he was about to propose and now he’s not sure he can ever trust her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who lives in Germany, and he’s been with his girlfriend for about 10 years, and about half their relationship, they’ve been long distance. So he’s getting to the point where he’s about ready to propose and was thinking about it. She’s like, “Hey, what’s your plan?” So for whatever reason, he ends up going through some of her WhatsApp conversations between her and some other dude, I guess she’s working in Spain and it’s like, I guess a guy she met through work.

So what’s been going on is like, no mention that she’s got a boyfriend, and the text exchange, it’s pretty clear most of the texts are innocuous, not a big deal, but some of them, he was making his intentions clear that he was interested in her romantically. She didn’t say, “Hey, I can’t. I got a boyfriend.” She didn’t do any of that. If a woman values loyalty, monogamy and exclusivity, she’s not going to be in a relationship with a dude for 10 years expecting him to propose and then giving some random dude the green light to try to get in her pants. On top of that, she was saying that she’s definitely going to visit this guy the next time she’s in his area. So now he’s like, “Do I walk away? Should I propose?” And you feel for this guy because he dedicated 10 years of his life, but then again, he’s been long distance for half of that time.

So on some level, that shows me she’s not completely head over heels in love with him, because if a girl is head over heels in love with you, she’s not going to want to work in another country. She’s going to want to be with you 24/7. That’s just a fact of life. So even though he’s been following me for that long, it’s pretty clear from her actions and her behavior, they spent so much time apart. It’s just real hard to have closeness and intimacy when somebody is in another country. I don’t know how often they see each other, but you know, 10 years with somebody and half the time they’re back and forth, that’s a tough situation. It just looks like she’s keeping her options open in case he doesn’t propose, she’s going to give this other guy the opportunity to date.

It’s like, if you’re thinking about committing to somebody and you think about the way the divorce laws are and you have to give up half your stuff, it’s like, that’s so much downside risk. It’s just not worth it. Especially for somebody that’s long distance. Again, it’s like, why wasn’t she working in Germany along with him? Why does she have to work in Spain? If she really, truly loved her man, she’d want to be with him 24/7.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

My name is Bob and I’ve been following you since 2015, and I bought your book back then. I’ve read How To Be A 3% Man at least 15 times, and I regularly listen to the audio-book as a refresher, and you’re right. The more you go through the material, the clearer the fundamentals become and the easier it is to see them play out in real life. With this email, I hope other readers can learn something from my situation too.
I live in Germany, and my question is about a 10-year relationship with my girlfriend, with about half of the time being long-distance.

So I would assume that maybe the first few years she was there. I did a video newsletter a few weeks ago. If a woman wants to move away and you’ve been together for a couple of years for a job and it’s on the other end of the country or in another country, it’s pretty obvious that she’s not thinking about a future with the two of you in the same city.

So if she moved away for work five years ago and they’ve been back and forth, it’s like she’s moving further away instead of closer together because again, a girl who’s truly head over heels in love with you is not going to want to go work in another country, even if it pays her two or three times what she makes now, because she’s going to want to be with her man. That’s just a fact.

Women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. If they want to go move to another country and work there for five years, it’s not a good thing you’re moving. Instead of moving closer together, you’re moving further apart. On top of that, they’ve been together 10 years and he’s never got around to proposing.

Recently I discovered WhatsApp conversations between my girlfriend, who has been working in Spain for a year, and another man she met through work.

So maybe she hasn’t been in Spain the whole time. She’s just been in Spain for a year. Maybe she’s worked in other countries.

So this just gives you insight on how she behave when she’s away from you. If a girl is truly committed, she’s going to shut that shit down immediately. She’s not gonna want to hang out one-on-one and do group things, because obviously what you’ll see here in a second that she’s been doing, it’s just not the actions of a woman that’s fully committed to the relationship.

Most of it seemed social and light, but she did meet him several times in groups, and once even one-on-one when he gave her a gift.

So dude is buying her gifts. It’s like, come on! She should have said, “I can’t accept this. I have a boyfriend,” but she didn’t do that. She’s like, “Oh, thank you!”

After giving her the gift, he showed romantic interest in his messages.

So he clearly doesn’t have a lot of game, but she likes the attention. He’s there. She sees him all the time. I guess through work.

She never mentioned in the messages that she has a boyfriend. I only know this because I read the messages. She never told me about this encounter.

Of course she didn’t.

Although the frequency has dropped, she still occasionally replies to him. Most recently, she sent him a long audio message where she said she should have visited him at his work, that her other job was not an excuse, and that she really should have come by.

So the guy was probably saying to come visit her and she didn’t. At the end of the day, she’s apologizing to him for that instead of just saying, “Well, it’s not appropriate. I have a boyfriend of 10 years.” No mention of that.

She then told him she would visit her family in Germany for two weeks and maybe have time to meet when she comes back to Spain. She didn’t mention anything about visiting me.

Again, no mention of the boyfriend. A loyal woman would say, “This is not appropriate. I can’t.”

The hardest part is that sometimes I catch myself rationalizing that maybe this is “normal,” but deep down it gnaws at me, because I know it’s not what I expect in an exclusive relationship.

Meanwhile, I had been preparing to propose.

Well, I would definitely be reconsidering that.

She’s waiting on me and keeps asking about “my plan.”

The other thing is, what’s going to happen if you guys get married? Is she going to continue working in Spain? Because again, she’s never mentioned this other guy at all, probably. So what, you’re gonna live long distance with your wife? How are you gonna have kids and a family? Who’s gonna take the kids to school? Like, how is that going to work?

On one hand, we share a decade of history and a deep bond.

Well obviously, your bond is not as strong as you thought it was, because look how she’s behaving when she’s away. This is so telling. How does a woman behave when she’s away from you? Is she defending you to people that talk shit about you? Is she proud of you? Does she let the world know about her boyfriend? Women that are happy are constantly, “My boyfriend is, my boyfriend that,” they’re always talking about them. It’s the most important person in their life, but when there’s no mention of them, well obviously he’s not that important. That’s just a fact. We have to look at a woman’s actions, not what she says.

On the other, her lack of emotional boundaries makes me question whether she truly understands exclusivity, or if this is simply her nature and always will be.

Well, it looks like it’s her nature. I mean, she made a commitment, but in her mind, she hasn’t told you about this guy. So it’s pretty clear it looks like she’s hedging her bets and maintaining some kind of a relationship, even if it’s only platonic at this point. This guy has made his interest known. He’s bought her a gift and she’s entertaining it. That’s the whole issue here. You know, buying a gift for somebody you’re not dating and then asking to be romantic with them? It’s like he doesn’t have much game anyways. So if you dump her and she goes and starts dating this guy, he’ll probably fuck it up anyways. Then she’ll come back a few months later crying about how she screwed up and lost the love of her life, but the damage is done.

Again, you’re vetting for character. You’re going to spend your life with somebody that does this? I got a separate email, I think he said he’s 37 and she’s 30. So they’ve been dating since she was 20 years old, and this is how she’s going to behave? Again, the other thing is you got to look at the glaring thing, is half the relationships she’s been in Spain. So in some way, she’s kind of been straddling the fence. She’s not 100% in. You know, for whatever reason, good for her career or money.

Again, if you’re building a relationship with somebody, you’re going to stay in the same city, in the same country. You’re just not going to go, “Oh, I have to work in Spain,” or wherever she happens to work because again, if you were super important to her, she would be where you are and she’s not. So that tells us on some level she’s not 100% committed. Again, we just look at her actions. Where is she? She’s in Spain. She’s not in Germany, and she started out in Germany and then moved to Spain again. She’s moving further away instead of closer together.

How should I handle this? Should I pull back, observe, and let her prove through actions that she’s all-in?

Well, we can’t look at that and say she’s all in. Anybody watching this video is going to be like, “She ain’t all in, dude.” She’s given another guy the green light to hit on her and seduce her, and now she feels guilty about not meeting him the last time and is going out of her way to say, “Oh yeah, when I’m back in town, I’ll definitely meet you.” So what happens then? Again, she’s still had no mention of her boyfriend. She hasn’t told her boyfriend this either.

Or am I wasting my time with someone whose lack of boundaries means I’ll always be questioning her loyalty?

Well again it’s like, why would you consider proposing to a woman who lives in another country anyways? It’s like, have you even talked about, is she going to come back home to Germany?

And if I were to end things because of her behavior, what would be the best way to do so without losing my masculine frame or attractiveness?

Thanks for your work. 

Bob

Well you know, the next time she brings up, “What’s your plan?” I would just share these things with her. It’s like, “Well, why don’t you tell me about this guy, Bob, I don’t know whatever his name is, that you’ve been corresponding with who’s expressed his romantic interest in you? It doesn’t appear you’ve mentioned that you have a boyfriend, and the fact that you’re telling him that next time you’re in town, you’re going to visit him is like, what’s up with that? It’s like, you want me to propose to you, and you’re carrying on some kind of relationship with some other guy. That just makes me call into question the last five years we’ve been long distance. What are you doing when I’m not around? I’m loyal to you. I have people. If girls come on to me, I’m like, ‘I have a girlfriend.’ It’s like, what are you doing? You don’t even mention your boyfriend at all. It’s like you don’t have one. It’s like you like the attention from him. Why would I want to marry you if you’re behaving this way? You didn’t shut that shit down once. On top of that, you’re reaching out, telling the dude you’re going to go visit him. How can you, with a straight face say what’s my plan for marriage in the future when you’re inviting attention from other guys? Why would I want to marry someone who behaves this way? Especially with the divorce laws, like I gotta give up half my shit if you end up screwing around on me.”

Again, the other thing is like, what’s going to happen after you supposedly propose? Is she going to move back to Germany, or does she expect to stay in Spain and work around the world or all over Europe, whatever she happens to be, doing for the past five years? Again, I just look at, where is she? She’s not with you. She’s living in another country, continuously living in another country. So I mean, if it was me, if I was in your situation, I wouldn’t have been in your situation as soon as the girl wanted to move away. I would be like, “No, I’m not doing long distance. I don’t care if it’s going to make you more money. If that’s more important than our relationship, then go make your money and I’ll find somebody else.” That should have been your attitude back then. Maybe she says, “Oh, it’ll just be for a year.” That’s like the video newsletter I did last week or the week before when it was like, “Oh, she’s going to move away for a year. It just be a year because it’s good for my career. Then I’m going to move back,” and even a few months before she was supposed to move back, he says, “Well, what happens if they want to keep you there or they don’t want you moving back?” I think he was in the UK if I remember right, and she’s like, “Well then, I would quit. I wouldn’t work there anymore.” Then right as the date got there, she broke up with him.

So again, women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. If they’re in another country or other countries and they have been for five years, like that tells you all you need to know. Then on top of this, this is like, a deal breaker. You don’t commit to a woman who behaves like this and put a ring on her finger. This is somebody that’s not all in. That’s pretty obvious, and you talking to her, all she’s going to do is cover it up, but this is her nature. A decade with this woman and this is how she treats you? I mean, she’s totally betraying you. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. I certainly wouldn’t put a ring on her finger. Not with that behavior. It’s like you know everything you need to know about what her character is like.

Character is destiny. So this is how she carries on, and if she tries to go, “Oh well, I didn’t know if you were going to propose or not, or we’re going to break up,” it’s like, she moved away for a job. You didn’t. She left. I assume that’s what happened, but she’s been in Spain for a year, so that implies that she’s been in other countries. The bottom line is, she’s away from you. She’s not moving closer. She’s moving away. If she’s moving away, I mean, you can keep dating her, but it looks like she might be dating other people. Then what else has gone on in the last five years that you don’t know about? Have there been other guys that she actually dated and hooked up with while she was in country with them, then once she moved away, that affair stopped? You just don’t know.

I mean, it sucks, dude, but if it was me, I wouldn’t be putting no ring on that girl’s finger and I would just matter of factly get her to explain herself. Like next time she brings up, “When are you going to propose? What’s your plan?” I would be like, “Well, what’s with this guy Bob in Spain that you’re going to go visit who’s expressing romantic interest and there’s no mention? It doesn’t seem like you’ve ever told him you have a boyfriend, and if you’re going to go meet him one-on-one, why would I want to marry you? It looks like you’re willing to go on dates with other guys behind my back.” “Oh, it’s not like that. You don’t understand. You’re being controlling.” “No, it’s just called loyalty. You made a commitment to me. I made a commitment to you. I’ve been honoring mine. not hanging out with, what would you think if I went and had dinner one-on-one with my hot secretary? Would you like that? And I didn’t tell you about it, and she comes on to me and tries to kiss me. How are you going to feel about that? You’re OK with that? It’s like, come on, you must think I’m fucking stupid!”

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