How to know when to pursue, back off, or when to wait when a woman’s romantic interest fluctuates.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-seven-year-old viewer who started having an affair with an eighteen-year-old coworker who was also having an affair with her boss, who happens to be a friend of his.
She’s no longer seeing her boss, but she vacillates between wanting to see him and being distant and saying it’s wrong for them to continue their romance because they both work for his friend. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s obviously still learning how to apply what’s in How To Be A 3% Man. This email brings up some really good things about women, some of the things that they say and how they go about bluffing to test a man’s strength, his interest and his intent.
First off, God bless you for being such a great help. I’m reading the book as I write. I’m 27, athletic, working 2 full-time jobs, and a side business on weekends.
January, 2021 I met this girl when she started working at the company I work. She’s 18, gorgeous, very ambitious like me, works 2 full-time jobs like me, and is a part-time actress. She’s a total package, 11/10. It took us a month to meet due to working at different offices, and apparently by that time she started dating the boss, who’s kind of a friend of mine.
That sounds interesting.
But we “clicked” the first time we met, and she would call me every day including weekends to hang out, doing 100% of the calling. She broke it off after 8 months due to him being a total cold fish and apparently a little jealous of me.
Talk about risking everything – risking your job, both guys dating the same girl, and a “friend.” So, I guess she was dating this other guy – her boss, his “kind of friend” – for about eight months, and it sounds like he started getting jealous of this guy, which is not attractive.
Two months after, we were out drinking, and a kiss happened as she was laying her head on my shoulder.
This is what women do. When they like you, they get close to you, they bump into you. They literally physically touch you or bump into you. It’s their signal, “Hey, please touch me. It’s okay to touch me.”
She became sentimental, saying she was hurt, but as we went to my car, we made out again. Then she said, “This is wrong. I don’t want to be your friend with benefits.”
As a man, your purpose, your mission, what you want, you’ve got to be direct, and you’ve got to be decisive. And so, if she says, “I don’t want to be your friends with benefits,” instead of taking that and going “Oh my God,” use playful humor like, “Well, what would you like? A girly friend with benefits? What are you thinking?”
Ask questions. Whenever you’re confused when a woman says something, it’s always good to ask the question, “What do you mean? Where are you coming from?” Remember, women tend to take the little things and go, “Oh my god, it’s the end of the world.” As a man, you’re supposed to go, “Oh, babe, look, it’s no big deal at all,” metaphorically speaking.
That same week I drove her home late after work and we hooked up again. She then said to me, “This is so wrong, but it feels so right.”
The important thing, “it feels right.” Because it is naughty. I mean, at the end of the day, she was sleeping with the boss. Then she broke it off with him, and now she’s sleeping with the boss’s friend, who he’s obviously a little jealous about. And so, on some level, it’s kind of dangerous, because both of them are, in essence, risking their jobs.
But what’s done is done. I wouldn’t recommend dipping the pen in company ink, but things happen, chemistry happens. When you get attractive, single people working together, stuff happens. So, I mean, we’re already down the road here, so it’s like, what do you do now that things have already happened between the two of them?
After 2 weeks and several hookups, she was sitting next to me one day looking with puppy eyes and said to me, “We need to talk, you know,” to which I responded, “There’s nothing we need to talk about,” jokingly.
So, if she says “We need to talk,” it’s like, “Babe, what do you want to talk about?” Answer a question with a question, because whoever is asking questions in any conversation is the one leading the conversation. And as a man, you should be the leader – you should be leading it to where you want it to go. And especially when it comes to women, don’t make assumptions that you know what she’s saying, because nine times out of ten, the guy is going to assume wrong.
I saw she got hurt. A mistake, I know. But we kept hooking up on late nights, and then the only time she would bring up “the talk” was when she was a little drunk. Otherwise, she would never mention it. It’s been 5 weeks now, and her level of interest seems to be dropping.
Well, the important thing to remember is in the beginning she was doing 100% of the pursuing, so she was driving the interest, she was pursuing him. And a lot of guys in this situation make the mistake of trying – especially when their emotions get involved and they really start catching feelings for the girl – they start trying to speed things up.
They want to spend more time together, they call and they text more. And then it goes from her doing all of the pursuing to her continuing to slowly back off. This usually happens over several weeks and months, and the guy doesn’t realize it. And then two months later, he’s doing 95% of the pursuing, she’s barely doing 5% of it, and yet never seems to be available to get together.
So, when a woman starts out doing 100% of the pursuing, you let her continue to do that, because then you go at her pace. You don’t have to worry about going too fast or going too slow because she’s driving it. Your job as a man is to simply create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, and hook up.
I know she’s sometimes conflicted between me and her ex, the boss who never gave her attention. And I try to give her space.
So, if she’s getting conflicted about that, more than likely what’s happened is this guy has started pursuing. It went from her doing 100% of pursuing to now he’s doing a percentage of it. And if she’s vacillating back and forth between him and potentially going back to the boss, then that means he’s definitely pursuing too much.
Within these 5 weeks, she went from “We’ve got to talk” and being lovely back to one night not kissing me, saying “This is wrong,” like in the beginning.
So again, what’s happening is she’s backing off saying “This is wrong.” It’s like, “Babe, it may be wrong, but you know it feels so right.” So, in other words, you want to encourage to keep things going. Because if she says, “This is wrong, we shouldn’t do it,” and you’re like, “You’re right, we shouldn’t do it at all,” I wouldn’t say that. I would just use her words, “This is wrong, but it feels so right.” And so, if she says, “This is wrong,” it’s like, “Yeah, we’ve been over this, babe. But you know what? It feels so right,” and then kiss her at that moment.
Because she’s expressing doubt. It’s like, “Oh my god!” But you’re like, “Babe, but this is so right,” and then you shrink it back down. You’re unperturbed, you’re undeterred. A lot of guys, when they hear things like this, they get fearful, and they go, “Oh my God, what’s wrong? Let’s solve this,” as opposed to just shrugging it off. In other words, she’s expressing a moment of doubt, and as a man, you have no doubt. This is meant to be. “Well, obviously you chose the better guy. You chose me over our friend, our boss.”
I said, “I won’t force you to do anything If you don’t feel it.”
So, that statement there, I would not have said that because that expresses doubt about yourself. Your attitude should be, “I won’t force you to do anything, babe. But I mean, obviously, you chose the better dude because you’re with me. And I can’t blame you. If it was me, I’d choose me too.”
You want to express certainty that you know what you want. And obviously, in this case, you want her, and you’re certain that you want her, because she’s expressing doubt. But if you’ve become full of doubt and uncertainty – the uncertainty of she’ll choose you over the other guy – then she becomes uncertain because you’re uncertain.
She said, “Well, I wouldn’t hang out with you at 3:00 a.m. if I didn’t feel it, but this is wrong, and you know it,” referring to me being friends with the boss.
It’s like, “Maybe, but you know what? When we kiss, it makes it all better. Waking up with you naked in my arms, I don’t think about those things, because it’s worth the risk.”
I proceeded to try to open her up as she was feeling down, and 5 minutes later she started kissing me aggressively, telling me how similar we are as people and it’s scary how fast I’m able to turn her on.
Well, as the book says, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. So you opened her up, she felt heard and understood, you were the man, you were the rock, you were the mountain, you turned her on. You acted like a man, that’s why she got turned on.
Every time she’s a little tipsy, she’s lovely and tells me words like “I think you might be the one.”
You’re like, “Babe, of course I’m the one. I’m the sexiest man alive.”
Or, “There was a spark since I first saw you.”
And so, whenever she expresses doubts or throws that in there if she’s feeling unsure of herself, it’s like, “Well, just like you said, there were sparks when we first met. And you already said I’m the one, so you can’t take that back. I got it on video. I got it on audio. I recorded that when you weren’t paying attention.”
But otherwise, she has this tough exterior and doesn’t show affection. Her emotions fluctuate a lot.
A woman whose emotions fluctuate a lot? You mean, like Mother Nature? That’s normal. That’s the way they are. You’re supposed to be the certain one. Your emotions don’t fluctuate. Your emotions are always “Babe. I love you. I want you. You’re being silly.”
Am I being a cold fish a little, to which she’s sensitive?
No. What’s happening is you’re displaying that you’re unsure of yourself at times. And so, that’s what’s really causing the problem here. And probably the pursuing. Because if she started out doing 100% of pursuing, there was really no reason for you to start any of it. Then that way, you just let her come to you at her pace.
And how do I pursue without being needy and driving her away now that she never calls?
Well, if she stopped calling you, it’s because you obviously started pursuing her. And look at this question, “How do I pursue?” So it went from her doing 100% of the pursuing, and now he says she’s not calling at all. So, it almost sounds like he’s chasing her right out of his life, potentially back into the life of the boss.
And at the same time, give her time to miss me when we’re all day together in the office?
Well, when you see her in the office, smile, wave to her, go about your business. Wink at her every now and then if you make eye contact, but let her come over to you. Because, at work, you want to be like James Bond. You want to hide your love affair. You want to not acknowledge your love affair. That’s the best way to be. Let them wonder. Because it’s none of their business anyway. It’s between you and her, and it’s your secret with her.
Even if she tells somebody and that somebody comes up, “Oh, I heard you guys were dating,” you’ll be like, “We are? Who told you that? Huh? I can’t confirm or deny any of these rumors. I think you’ve been reading the National Enquirer.” Just deny. Be playful about it. Let people wonder. It’s always better that way. Women love guys that are mysterious anyway.
So, if she stopped calling you, then you need to stop all pursuit and you should immerse yourself in “How To Be A 3% Man,” because this girl really was digging you. And the fact that you’re in the mindset of “How do I pursue her?” tells me that the power is flipped. It went from her pursuing you and it being all her idea, to now you’re doing all of the pursuing and it’s your idea. That’s why she’s confusing.
I would let her be. Then when you hear from her, as soon as she wants to see you, make a date. And when you’re with her, if she expresses doubts or “Oh, I’m not sure if this is right,” or “The chemistry is not there anymore,” you always want to respond back with certainty. “Oh, the chemistry is not there?” It’s like, “It’ll come back. You watch. I’m too handsome of a guy to walk away from.”
You’ve got to have that kind of an attitude, “I know you like me. I know you want me.” In other words, you’re just totally unperturbed. You’re interested in you and her together, and any other talk that has anything to not do with the two of you being together, you’re just simply not interested in it. You have a one-track mind. “You and me, babe. That’s all I’m interested in. We’re good, no matter what,” or “You’ll be back.”
That’s the attitude that you want to have, because that expresses certainty about how you feel about yourself and how you feel about her, and that’s what she needs from you. Because if you’re certain, then she’ll feel certain. But as soon as you express indecisiveness or you pursue, the only reason guys over pursue is because they doubt themselves.
That’s why if you’ve been pursuing and if she’s not calling at all, that means you’ve pursued to the point where she’s stopped all forward-moving, and that’s why you should stop moving forward and just wait to hear from her. It might be a week or two that goes by before you hear from her again, but you’re going to have to get back to the basics and follow what’s in the book. Think about how things were in the very beginning when she was doing 100% of the pursuing. That’s what you want to maintain. There was no reason for you to start chasing her, because it sounds like she’s gone cold on you now.
So, I would hang back and wait. Wait to hear from her, and when you do, make a date, be certain about it. If she expresses doubts about the two of you, you come back with certainty that you know it’s meant to be. And it’s okay if she has those doubts, but you don’t have any doubts, because you’re a man. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women bluff to test a man’s strength and his intent. This includes suggesting or intimating that they are not interested or as interested in romance as they were before just to see how a guy responds when they are uncertain of his interest. A man should respond with certainty and congruence of his romantic interest and never suggest that they are okay with time apart, taking a break or breaking up. If a man responds with uncertainty of his interest or intentions, she will become more unsure, back away and test even more, which leads to unnecessary breakups.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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