Should I Reach Out Or Keep Waiting To Hear From Her?

How to know if you should reach out or keep waiting to hear from her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who sent 3 email updates. He writes in about an on and off again romance of several years. They drifted apart last time, but eventually she came back wanting another chance. He gave it to her, but he’s confused at her behavior and sudden distance. He wonders if he should wait to hear from her or reach out because he took her for granted.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, that depends.

So this particular email is from a viewer. He’s 37, and she’s 25. They’ve got a nice 12-year age gap. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. Us guys tend to peak later in life, and at the end of the day, younger women like us older, mature men instead of guys their age and certainly younger, just because it takes a longer time for a man to become competent and confident.

And the good news is we age like fine wine. As I know, it’s not nice, but it’s not politically correct. As the old saying goes, a man is only as old as the women that he feels, and a woman is as old as she looks.

I know it’s terrible. I didn’t invent it, but it tends to be kind of true.

So this guy has had an on-again, off-again romance for several years. They drifted apart the last time. He says he couldn’t even remember who broke up with whom last time.

But at some point, I guess in the past year, he came across my work, started reading 3% Man. If you’re new here, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. Put your first name, your email address, create a password, hit enter, and it’ll open up right in your web browser.

You can also read Mastering Yourself. It’s there. And my first quote book is there. And obviously, I have my second quotes book. Those are all available on Amazon.

These are the hardcover versions. If you’re an avid fan and student, your support is appreciated.

But if you’re new and you’re like, “Who is this guy? What does this shaved-head dude know?” You can read my books for free. You’ve got a digital version you can read right on my website. You can try before you buy. You can apply it, and you see how well it works. Then you can buy an audiobook or paperback or hardcover.

So eventually, I guess after a certain number of months, she reached back out, said she really wanted to try again. She said she missed him and she missed “us.”

And so he’s like, “Okay,” but you can tell here, at some points, he just acted like a little bit too much of a cold fish.

A couple of times, he’s on vacation, and he just doesn’t even reply to her.

So he gets back. He sends me three emails. Basically, he sends the first one, a couple of days later another one, “I panic,” and then another one a week or so later. “I haven’t heard from her. What do I do?”

This is why you should read the book 10 to 15 times. You get to know it so well, you don’t really have to think about it.

But if you’re cherry-picking videos and you just kind of thumb through the book a couple of times, you don’t really know it. And you’re in a situation like this with somebody you really care about, it’s really hard to do more things right than wrong.

If you don’t know the book, it’s going to be a lot harder. So make it easy on yourself, and it’s free to read. Fill in your knowledge gap and see the magic happen.

So anyways, he gets back from his trip. He notices she’s kind of cold and distant now. She’s taking 24 hours to reply, probably trolling him on purpose. Maybe she’s following a female coach that’s telling her to do that. “Oh, wait 24 hours. Don’t be so quick.”

Because he basically admits that he took her for granted when he was away. He’s like, “Oh, I got this. She’s all over me.” And he kind of didn’t give a shit.

And the problem is he communicated that, and he made her feel that. That’s a bad thing.

Women care about how they feel about you, not what a great guy you are.

And when they come back and they want another chance, and you act like a cold fish, or you don’t even reply to their messages, they start to feel like, “Oh, wow, he doesn’t care.”

But obviously, he does because, I mean, distance makes the heart grow fonder for both of us, for men and women. It’s just the way it is.

And so she does it to him, and he actually cares more.

So maybe part of it, she might have been a little bit too much of a pushover when they were together previous times.

And obviously, he’s displaying unattractive behavior, which gets in the way of the intimacy and coming together as a couple.

He just acts kind of too cold and indifferent, like he just met her on a Tinder app a couple of days ago.

Somebody he’s been dating on and off for five years, it’s like, she’s your girl. “Hey, babe. It’s good to see you. Door’s always open. Come on in. Hey, it’s great to hear from you.”

Never, never make a girl you’ve known that long, or you’ve been dating or in a relationship with, feel that way. There’s no need for that. It shouldn’t get to that point, let’s put it that way.

So he’s kind of creating unnecessary problems for himself by being too distant, too much of a cold fish. And now she’s mirroring it back to him.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m 37, and she’s 25.

We’ve known each other for about five years and have had an on-and-off relationship for several years. Since January, I’ve read your book three times and have been trying to apply your advice.

Okay, we’re in October, so three times in ten months. You should have easily been through it 10 to 15 times by now.

You can put the audiobook on two-speed, and you can get through it in like four hours. But if you’re going to do that, you should read along in a digital or physical copy because it forces your eyes to look at the words as they’re being said, versus working out and listening to the audiobook or driving and listening to the audiobook, or playing it through your Sonos system in the house while you’re doing other things.

You’re just kind of not really paying attention. You’re kind of in and out of consciousness, paying attention to what’s in the book. And so you only get bits and pieces.

But when it’s just you in a room, your office, your house, your bedroom, wherever you’re by yourself, even if you’re in your car and you’re idling and you’re playing the audiobook, you look at the physical copy because there’s zero distractions.

You have to force your brain to look at the words. It’s the best way to get the information into your brain as quickly as possible, without any distractions, and keep your brain focused so it doesn’t wander.

Especially if you’re in a situation like this, guys, where you’re trying to turn things around. You half-ass reading the book, you’re going to get half-assed results.

Most people tend to major in minor things. Don’t be one of those people. Major in major things.

We have both ended things at different times. The last time, things simply faded. We were both distant, stopped contacting each other, and honestly, I don’t even know who really ended it. I eventually went no contact.

After about two months, she reached out several times, apologized, said she missed me and missed “us,” and wanted to reconnect right before my trip to Italy.

Before I left for a two-week trip to Italy, we met. We kissed, but nothing else happened.

Well, again, if you’re following what’s in “7 Principles to Get an Ex Back,” what you’re going to be doing is inviting her to your place to make dinner together. You’re not meeting her out or going for coffee or those things.

So right off the bat, you’re not really doing what you should be doing. And because, again, you read the book three times in ten months.

So, and probably maybe read it early on and you haven’t since. But it’s clear from what you wrote here that you should have a better grasp of the material by now, and that is hurting your game.

I actually wasn’t planning on trying again, but she really pushed for another chance and told me she wanted to try again and keep the connection.

Well, women like a guy that’s a challenge. And so she’s having to work for him.

I eventually agreed to take things slowly.

While I was in Italy, she made a lot of effort to stay connected.

And you should have been warm. And, “Hey, it’s good to hear from you.”

She initiated all conversations, asked how I was doing, sent me pictures, and even complained when I took too long to respond.

“Oh, babe, I’m sorry. I got carried away by the castle or the sights, but you were on my mind.”

You gotta be sweet. Somebody for five years, if you’ve only been out a few times and you met her on Tinder or something like that, then that’s understandable.

But this is different. This is a relationship. I mean, you guys had a lot together. If you were close, you’re in a relationship, and now she’s coming back.

It’s like, “Hey, babe, it’s good to see you.”

Looking back, I know I wasn’t responding very warmly and sometimes took too long.

Well, the problem with taking too long, because, I mean, women like that. They say, “Oh, don’t do it. It’s not nice.” It’s like they like it more. It turns them on.

But when you take too long to reply and then you’re a cold dick, then they’re like, “Oh, he doesn’t care about me,” and they don’t like that.

So you can take too long, and then when she’s complaining, “Oh, babe, I’m sorry. Yeah, I got caught up. I was on a tour. I was this, that, just having a conversation with the locals or the other people in my group or whatever. But you know what? It’s good to hear from you. I love seeing your message pop up on my phone when I check it.” That’s how you respond.

I also never initiated a conversation while I was away.

Well, if a woman is always chasing you, she’s not dumping you. She’s not getting rid of you, friend-zoning you, or blowing you off. She’s trying to win you over.

And that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Women are naturally designed to do that. But we got to start the courtship.

But here, in this case, he says he doesn’t remember how it ended. But at the end of the day, she came back because he went no contact.

So I assume she was probably trying to get together and do something, and she just blew him off.

And so the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. So it works.

Toward the end of the trip, she asked about my day. It was the wedding day, and I sent her three pictures and said, “Wedding day.”

He was either at a friend’s wedding or maybe works weddings, a photographer or something. I can’t remember. But I guess maybe he was there because he was going to a friend’s wedding.

She replied, “Very nice. Better suit option than the one you showed me, lol.”

I never responded.

Bro, come on, man. This is where you get exposed for only reading the book three times in ten months.

She said—I would respond back, “You know what? You’re right. I do look pretty damn handsome and sexy in this suit versus the other one.” Something like that.

I was busy that day, but the next day, I still didn’t answer because I had started taking her effort for granted.

You can’t fucking do that, dude. Never go beyond 24 hours. It’s rude. It shows you don’t fucking care.

And you’re, like, sending a message like, “Hey, fuck you. I don’t care.”

And so obviously she’s trying to get you back, and you’re hurting her. And so what’s going to happen? She’s gonna do it back.

During those two weeks, she always reached out at some point, so I assumed she would again.

Well, when you got back home, like I said, I would have apologized. I would have said, “Hey, you. Hey, sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier. I just looked at your message. I was very distracted with the wedding or whatever, but I really miss you, and I want to see you and catch up.”

That’s how I would have responded. Because again, this is not—you gotta be a little warm. You can’t just ignore a girl like that.

Now I’m back home. It’s been several days since that last interaction.

So you can tell it’s now having a positive effect on his interest. He took it for granted. Now he’s like, “Oh, shit. I haven’t heard from her. I fucked up. I should listen to Corey. I should have read his damn book 15 times.”

During those two weeks, she always reached out at some point, so I assumed she would again.

Now I’m back home, and it has been several days since that last interaction.

She roughly knew when I was coming back, but she hasn’t reached out.

I’m confused about what to do.

Well, I explained what I would have done differently.

Part of me thinks I should follow the principles I’ve learned, stay silent, and let her come to me.

Well, she was coming to you, but you fucking ignored her. That’s not what I teach.

See, this is what happens when you don’t read the book. Maybe he’s following somebody else, some amateur, and he’s confusing what you do with somebody that you’ve only been out with a couple of times or just met on a dating app versus somebody you’ve been on and off with for five years, or your girlfriend or your wife, for that matter.

You just can’t treat somebody you’re in an intimate relationship with like that and expect it to have good results.

But another part of me thinks I may have gone too far…

You did.

…because she made a real effort to stay connected while I was away, and I didn’t match it, being “a cold fish.”

Well, he’s aware of it. He kind of figured it out after the fact. That’s why, in that case, that’s why you apologize.

“Hey, sorry. I was kind of distant. I got caught up there, but I’m back in town. I really want to see you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, and I want to see your cute face.”

That’ll get a good response.

She may now think I’m simply not interested or playing games.

Yep. As you’ll see in the first update.

If you were in my position, would you continue waiting for her to reach out…

Again, I would have reached out when I got back and apologized for being a dick and said, “I want to make it up to you. I want to get together for dinner. I want to see your face.”

But again, you want to create the opportunity for sex to happen, not make out for coffee. Come on, man.

…or would you send one simple message to reopen the conversation (since I never responded to her last text)?

Well, dating is like tennis, and you didn’t hit the ball back. And so she didn’t hit any more over, and she was probably crying about it.

I genuinely want to rebuild things with her, but I don’t want to fall back into chasing or overpursuing. What would you do?

So there’s where he admits that’s what happened. So when he’s like, “Oh, I don’t know what happened the last time,” it’s like he probably overpursued and chased, and his mental attitude was like, “Well, it never worked before. It’s probably not gonna work again.”

And plus, he didn’t take time to read the book.

All right, so here’s his first update.

1st Email Update:

Hi Corey,

Quick update.

After about a week of me waiting, she reached out Thursday night and said:

“How was your trip? Insane we haven’t talked in a whole week. Idk maybe you don’t want to, but I figured I’d reach out anyways.”

See? I mean, it was a dick move, but it had a positive effect on her. She’s taking one final shot, thinking, “I hope he likes me.”

I replied Friday morning around 8 AM:

So it’s Thursday night again. This is a girl. This is not a stranger. You’ve already been all up inside her for many years.

And so if she’s texting you at night with that, I’d be like, “Hey, you. I just got back. Why don’t you come over? Bring a bottle of wine. I want to catch up. I can’t wait to tell you about my trip and see you. I miss you.”

And again, if you had an intimate relationship, I’d say, “I miss you. I love you. I want to see you.”

“Hey,

Good morning.

My trip was amazing.

How are you?”

She still hasn’t responded, and it’s now been two days.

Yeah, because she probably was like, “That fucker. He’s doing that on purpose. He’s jerking me around.”

That’s what she’s thinking. “Oh, he’s playing games on purpose.”

I haven’t sent anything else.

I find it pretty strange because she was the one who strongly reached out after a week of silence and then didn’t answer a simple question from me.

Because she’s pissed.

What the hell just happened?

You were a jerk. You went too far.

Was something wrong with my response?

It’s like, yeah, you look like you’re playing games. And she suspected you didn’t really want to talk to her, but you did reach out.

And again, she’s probably cried about it. It’s not very nice. You don’t make your girl cry.

So here is the second update.

2nd Email Update:

Hi Corey,

Here’s an update, just in case you decide to make a video about the situation.

Remember, she didn’t reply for two days.

After my last text, which I sent you in the previous email, she responded Saturday morning, well over 24 hours later, with:

“I’m glad your trip was good. How are you?”

Since I wasn’t working that day, I replied within an hour:

“Hey, good to hear from you. I’m good. I wanna see you so we can catch up. What’s your schedule like?”

Again, you’re kind of acting like you just met her on Tinder a week ago. You’ve known this girl for five years, dude.

I decided to send that because I didn’t have the chance to suggest meeting up while I was on my trip.

She then took another 24 hours to respond and came back on Sunday afternoon with:

“Hey,

Yeah we will have to try to find some time. I have travel this week for work for sales meetings in Boston.”

I was at work, so I responded Monday morning:

“Sounds good.

Just shoot me a text once you’re back and figure out your schedule. Have a safe trip!”

Well, again, she’s kind of—so this is kind of her way of—women are, they throw it up in the air, and they’re vague.

It’s your job to be direct and decisive and set the appointment because she’s kind of basically, “I don’t want to force you to see me if you’re not super into it.”

So they give the vagueness back to make it easy for you just to dip if you don’t really want to be there.

So what I would have responded with, she says, “Yes, we’ll have to try to find some time. I have travel this week for work, for sales meetings in Boston.”

I would respond back, “Cool. Well, what’s your schedule like next week? When are you available? When are you free?”

Because that shows you’re trying to make something happen.

She then took another 24 hours.

But obviously he didn’t do that. I’m just telling you what I would do because what’s done is done here at this point.

Tuesday morning, she hearted my message and responded:

“Thank you. I leave Thursday.

I am home Monday.”

I only hearted her text.

Well, again, if you get home, if that Thursday night when she’s texting you at night, I would have been like, “Come over. I miss you. I want to see you. I love you. Got so much to tell you.”

That’s where you should have been at. And she would have been over at your house, and you’d have been bumping uglies again.

Instead, you acted like you just met her. You matched with her on Tinder the other day. Nope.

My question is this:

I know I haven’t been perfect in our interactions. I’ve read your book and your article “7 Principles to Get an Ex Back,” but I’m still relatively new to your work.

Well, this is why you got to read it 10 to 15 times. Come on, man.

What do you think is going on with her?

Well, she’s probably upset and thinks you’re a dickhead. Which you are, because you were a cold fish.

She didn’t come back with the usual “Hey.” She came back saying she wanted to give this another chance, that she missed me and missed us, and that she wanted to try again.

Well, that’s what she was feeling in that moment. Remember, that expired after 24 hours, and things were good until you ignored her at the end of your trip, like I pointed out.

So that’s on you. That’s what happens when you only read it three times in ten months. You’re not a serious student.

Look at all this heartache and this anguish over these couple of weeks that you’re going back and forth, twisting yourself in a knot emotionally over this.

And all you had to do was read the book and know it a little better and be warmer.

Then we met in the car after work (she wanted to talk). It was actually her last night working at the place where I work. She was occasionally picking up shifts there. She begged me to give us another chance when I told her I wasn’t sure. I eventually agreed to start again and take things slowly.

Well, again, that was then. You were a cold fish.

During my trip, she initiated contact several times.

So, you know, it’s like, “I’m the victim here. What happened?” It’s like, again, I pointed it out.

Since I was away, I couldn’t really bring up getting together like you recommend…

Well, you did great on the trip. It was just when you ignored her at the end there.

…when an ex reaches out, so I responded to almost all of her texts but never initiated contact.

You noticed when you got back in town, she was completely distant because, again, you made her feel like you didn’t give a fuck.

You treated her just like a girl you just matched with on Tinder and hadn’t even met.

I couldn’t really bring up getting together like you recommend when an ex reaches out, so I responded to almost all her texts but never initiated contact.

Then, after I got back from my trip, she reached out strongly with the message I mentioned in my previous email:

I mean, he puts that again in here.

“How was your trip? Insane we haven’t talked in a whole week. Idk maybe you don’t want to, but I figured I’d reach out anyways.”

Again, I already analyzed that in the previous message. I know he put it in there because he’s sending three emails because he’s worried. He’s in a panic.

The book will put you at ease, dude. You’re going to make your best decisions when you’re in a peaceful and relaxed state, but you gotta learn the material.

That made me think she was genuinely interested in reconnecting.

She was.

But then, within less than eight hours, her communication became much more distant…

Because she was pissed off and felt like you were playing her.

…and she has now taken over 24 hours to respond three times in a row.

Don’t be a dick. Don’t be a cold fish. Learn the book, and this won’t happen again.

I find the change really confusing.

Well, it’s clear as a bell to me and probably most of the class, but this is what happens when you’re not a good student. You’re like in the back of the class. Maybe you should move to the front of the class and listen to the teacher.

She was very emotional about wanting another chance, then reached out strongly after my trip, and now her communication is very…

“Strongly.” That sounds like something Trump would say. “I’m very strongly considering this.”

…slow and fairly low-effort.

Well, she’s just giving it right back to you. If you can’t dish it out, if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.

My mind naturally goes to the possibility that there could be another guy involved because I honestly don’t have another explanation for such a quick change.

Well, again, I pointed out it’s pretty obvious, but I’m the coach and you’re the Padawan.

What’s your opinion on what might be going on with her?

I already told you.

And how do you think I handled the situation…

Not good. It was good up until you started ignoring her. And then look how it blew up in your face.

It totally ruined the chance for closeness and intimacy and really good fucking makeup sex. You just delayed it. I think you’re still in the game.

…especially my decision to ask her to meet up and then leave the ball in her court?

So I suspect that once she gets back in town, she will reach out. She probably won’t reach out when you think.

And when you do hear from her, it’s like, “Hey, you. So good to hear from you. Really looking forward to getting together and catching up. What’s your schedule like? I want to see your face. I miss you. I miss your kiss. I miss your warmth. I miss your naked body in my bed.”

Be warm.

I know it’s on her to reach out now, and I’m not planning on contacting her again. I’m just confused by how quickly things went from that emotional Thursday-night message to her taking over 24 hours to respond to everything afterward.

Thank you for your amazing work.

Bob

Again, she’s just giving back to you how you treat her because she’s mad and she’s hurt, and you’re not following the book because you didn’t take the time to learn it. So that’s a you problem.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for my Exclusive Premium Members Only Content in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there.

And the good news is with my Website, you can do a seven day free trial to check out all the great content and extensive library of additional content that you get for being a Premium Member. And if you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, sign up for a seven day free trial for a Premium Membership. And until next time, I will talk to you soon.