Should I Tell Her Friendship Is Out Of The Question Or Just Act Like It?

Why you should never agree to being friends only when you want romance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He’s read 3% Man, twice so far. He lived with his ex for 10 years. He had major health problems a few years ago, lost his job, confidence, his health and became depressed. Eventually his girlfriend checked out and asked him to leave. He’s now doing better, working out, has a job and a new apartment. However, he’s stuck in friend zone while his ex is dating someone new, but is contacting him often. He asks how to get out of friend zone. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Should I Tell Her Friendship Is Out Of The Question Or Just Act Like It?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy, he’s new to my work. And he says he’s gotten through 3% Man twice so far. And so this particular guy, he lived with his ex for about ten years. And then I guess sometime in the past 4 or 5 years, he had some major health problems. I think he had said he had a transplant. He lost his job, he lost his confidence, he lost his health. And then on top of that, he became totally depressed.

Obviously, when you see what the guy has been through, it’s kind of understandable. I mean, he’s been through a pretty rough time. And so once he kind of got through the other side, started getting a little better, his ex was like, I’m out. Because obviously he stopped dating and courting her because he was so focused on himself and all the problems he was having. So he moved out, got his own apartment. He’s working out five days a week now.

He’s starting to get his health back. He’s got a new apartment. He’s doing well. He’s got a new job. So, things are on the up and up, getting better and better. And however, his ex started dating somebody and, I don’t know, I guess in the last few months. But she’s calling him every day. And initially he agreed to be friends. And now he realizes what a mistake that was. He told her he didn’t want to be friends, but yet she keeps contacting all the time, even though she’s still dating this other guy. And now he’s like, well, he wants to get out of friend zone, but he could tell he’s a little afraid to put his foot down.

And so it’s a good email because for you guys that are stuck in friend zone or got something similar because this is a different wrinkle. They were together for a long period of time, and then they are not together now. And now that he’s getting back together, it’s clear the reason why the ex-girlfriend is reaching out all the time is things aren’t going so perfect with the new guy, so he’s kind of stuck in a back up position.

And when you spent ten years of your life with somebody living with them, and now you’re in backup position because you went through a bunch of health challenges, you’re trying to get your life back in order, and she’s dating somebody else. That’s not a place you want to be. It just keeps everything in limbo because you don’t hear from her for a few days. You think, “Well, I guess that’s the end of that. She’s going to ride off into the sunset with that dude.” Soon as you start feeling a little better, boom. The ex calls.

You spend time on the phone, you think it’s going to go somewhere, and then you find out she’s still on the phone or is still dating this guy. So you’re wasting all this time talking to her, basically being her emotional tampon and getting nowhere. And obviously he’s just over it. So he’s like, “what do I do to get out of this?” So he says, because it’s clear he likes her reaching out and he likes hearing from her because that gives him hope. And that’s the downside when you kind of get stuck in a situation like this, is the girl is nice to you.

She calls you all the time, but she’s sleeping with somebody else. She’s dating somebody else, and you’re just the backup plan. In other words, he’s basically become part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project, whether he realizes it or not. Because obviously the new guy is not taking up and doing all the things that a boyfriend should be doing. So she’s dating and sleeping with that guy and the emotional bonding, the connecting, the deep emotional connection she has with her ex-boyfriend.

And as a man, you just don’t want to be there because every time you hear from her, you think, “oh, well, maybe this is going to be the phone call where things are different, or she’s going to tell me that she’s not with that guy anymore.” And meanwhile, weeks and months are going by. You get your hopes up and then it doesn’t go anywhere. And if you’re trying to move on with your life, it’s pretty hard because every time you hear from the girl now you’re thinking about it.

You’re thinking, “oh, well, maybe this is it. Maybe things are turning the corner. Maybe she’s going to come back finally.” And so it keeps you stuck. You can’t really move forward. You think about dating other women, but you’re so focused on the ex, and she’s got the best of both worlds. She’s got the new guy, and she’s kind of got you in the background.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Long story short, I lived together with my ex for 10 years. During the second half of that time I got renal failure, had transplant surgery and lots of complications after which I got depressed. I had lost my job, hobbies, social life, health, fitness and basically everything that made up my identity. 

That’s pretty tough, man. That sucks to go through something like that. But the good news is, if we’re always looking at, what’s the positive? What’s good about this? How can I use this? How can it help me become stronger, more confident, more knowledgeable, more patient, more determined to go for the things I want?

Because when you go through something like this, you realize, man, life really is short and it could turn on a dime. So you got to take the best care of yourself. And if somebody in your life wasting your time and causing you to spin your wheels, when you go through an ordeal like that, now it seems like he’s kind of coming out the other side. He’s got to keep his options open for what he wants in life.

I was so busy fighting for my life, first physically and then mentally, that I neglected my ex and her kids. She told me she felt lonely, but I couldn’t take it in or do anything about it. She asked me to move out two years ago and we continued to see each other weekly, having dinner and hooking up, but I was still depressed and unemployed. Three and a half months ago she met someone new after I asked if she had considered moving back together in the future. Yes, I was out of touch with reality and still stuck in my own head.

So he was kind of connected and stuck in the fantasy of what was.

At first, I said fine and was prepared to never talk to her again but I walked that back a week later and suggested that maybe we could stay friends because of her two kids that I love more than anything.

Well, keep in mind she’s sleeping with somebody else. And so the kids are eventually, if they stay together, are going to get to know the new guy. And especially if they’re young, then what’s going to happen is she’s going to withdraw, the kids are going to withdraw, and you’ll slowly be pushed out as the new guy works his way into her life. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you, and especially when you’ve been through an ordeal like this, like the last 4 or 5 years, you’re wondering whether you’re going to live or you’re going to die.

And now it’s clear that, at least for the foreseeable future, you got your life back. And yet you’re kind of hung up on the past with somebody who’s changed the terms of your relationship and, in essence, is keeping you stuck in backup position, which is where as a man, you just don’t want to be. She made her choice. You went through the tough time. Granted, you didn’t date and court her properly. Probably didn’t make her feel heard and understood because as you said, you were just trying to survive. And so she could have stuck it out, but she pushed you out.

You continued hooking up, and maybe there were other guys in the picture that you didn’t know about that she was dating and seeing, and this new guy she really likes. And so that’s why she’s kind of pushing you out of the way and spending more time with him, but she’s still stirring the pot and keeping you on the hook. Which quite frankly, just wastes your time. And that is our greatest source of wealth in life, is the time that we have left. Because when it’s up, it’s up. When your time is up, it is up. Just like Bashar al-Assad, his time was up running Syria. He’s out. He’s living in exile and a nice area of Russia now.

Two weeks after that I met up with her for lunch and told her that I wasn’t ok with the situation and that I would put in the work to get myself back and that I wanted us to try again when she was done playing with her new toy. We stayed in contact, initiating about 50/50.

Anytime, weather, just a normal dating circumstances. When you’re pursuing 50/50, all that does is elicit platonic feelings in the woman. You will not get out of friend zone if you do that. And on top of that, agreeing to in essence, be her backup plan. Because you tell her you don’t want to be friends and yet you continue contacting her, from her perspective, you stayed in touch, so you obviously were okay with being friends. That’s the way she looks at it.

Because she has to fear that she’s going to lose you forever, potentially to somebody else. She has to get used to what life is like without you. And if there’s any kind of interest and attraction and emotional bonding left, she’s not going to let you go. But if you stay in touch and you keep pursuing her 50/50 while she’s dating and actually sleeping with somebody else, then all you’re doing is making it easy for her to move on. And then eventually six months, three months, whatever it happens to be, she’ll just gravitate away from you and spend all of her time with him, and then you’ll hardly ever hear from her again.

And then you’ll realize that it’s over and you’ll start to move on. But if you think about it, I mean, you could waste a year or two of your life being hung up on what was. Meanwhile, she’s in a relationship with somebody else and is completely moved on. Women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, it means they voted for you. And she’s with somebody else, so she’s voted for the new guy. So he was initiating 50/50, as he said.

And I never begged or pleaded. About a month ago I stopped contacting her after reading your book, I’ve only read it twice so far, but she keeps reaching out with weekly phone calls to see how I’m doing or asking nonsensical questions.

Well, if she’s reaching out, then you should be like, “are you still with that guy? You still you still dating him?” And if she says, “yeah, but I want to see how you’re doing.” It’s like, “well, in all honesty, after everything we’ve been through together, you clearly have made your choice to be with this new guy. And, you know, I wanted to work things out, but it’s clear you don’t. And you contacting me every week. It’s like, I just need time, I need space, I need to be able to move on with my life and meet somebody else.

And so if you’re going to invest all of your energy with this new guy, then you should be all in with him and you should let me go. We can be grateful for the memories that we had, but I need to move on with my life because I’m stuck in limbo here. Because every time I hear from you, I think, oh, okay, well, maybe it didn’t work out with this other guy. Because if things are so great with him, there’s no reason for you to continue to contact me every week. And so I would ask that you just respect my wishes.

Unless you’re done with that guy, it’s just highly inappropriate for you to continue contacting me. You should focus on your new boyfriend. I’m not going to be your side piece. I’m not going to be your backup plan. I’m just not interested in being friends with you because I want to be able to move on. I want to find a girl that wants to be with me. You tapped out. I went through a tough time and you weren’t willing to stick it out with me, so you made your choice. Now things are better. I’m getting back in shape. I got a new job, got a new apartment.

I feel great, and I want to move on with my life. And so you need to respect my wishes. And I would just appreciate it if you don’t contact me anymore. The only way I want to hear from you is if you’ve broken up with this new guy and it’s completely done with him, and you want to give us a try again. And if I’m still single, we can go out on a date. But other than that, as long as you’re dating and sleeping with this new guy, it’s totally inappropriate for you to be contacting me. So please respect my wishes and don’t contact me anymore.” You’re going to have to have that conversation with her.

I have come out of my depression and started getting back to myself again, I’m at the gym 5 days a week, yoga twice a week, dance classes once a week, going out once a week, started a new job and moved to a new apartment. I’m also in therapy and meditate every day. Which is why I haven’t had the energy to read your book more than twice so far.

That is bullshit, Dude. If you put the AudioBook on 2X and follow along with a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in four hours. So all that tells me is you’re just half-assing it. And that’s why you’ve only read The Book twice, and you’re asking me something that, quite frankly, you should know the answer to at this point. And if you’ve only read The Book twice, you maybe memorized maybe, ten, 15% of The Book, 16% of The Book. That’s why I say you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times.

Because you’ve got to clean up your game. You’ve got to stop all of your unattractive behavior, not just potentially to create the conditions where the ex can come back and find a more attractive, more masculine version of you. But for anybody else. To attract other women, because if you’re acting the same way with other women, you’re going to turn them off for the same reasons that your ex has you stuck in friend zone. So it’s great that you’re doing all these things.

But in other words, reading The Book is either a priority or it’s not. And so you clearly just told me, is you gave me all these excuses why you’re just too busy to read The Book. Well, how much do you enjoy being stuck in friend zone while your ex-girlfriend fucks some other guy, and she calls you to be her emotional tampon once a week. Does that feel good? Do you like that? I certainly wouldn’t like that. Especially after what you’ve been through. You’ve been through hell. You should be wanting to rock out with your cock out.

And ideally, you should be taking this time to apply what’s in The Book and meet new women. But you’re not going to be very successful if you don’t want to take the time to read The Book, because then you’ll start going out on dates and you’ll start making mistakes. And if your ex comes back, we want her to find a more confident, more attractive version of you that has swagger and certainty and acts more masculine consistently. Repetition is the mother of skill. And so The Book’s not going to help you just to read it to a couple of times.

The only way it’s really going to help you is if you commit to learn the material and take this part of your life seriously, because if you don’t take it serious, then you’re going to continue making the same mistakes and eventually you’ll get rejected for the same reason down the road. It’s your life. You can do what you want. All I know is that guys that do well take reading The Book and learning the material seriously. But most importantly, they practice it. And so you’ve got to practice this stuff.

Because if you don’t practice it and you’ve now stopped reading The Book, that’s why you’re stuck in limbo and you’re not getting anywhere. And you’re asking me, “how do you get out of it?” There’s all kinds of behavior that you’re displaying that’s unattractive, that you should not be doing in this situation, but you don’t realize it because, again, you tell yourself that you’re just too busy to read it.

It’s like, okay, well, that tells me you don’t really give a shit about your personal life and you don’t give a shit about turning it around. So I’m not going to care any more about your life than you do. All I can do is tell you what to do and suggest. And if you don’t want to do it, it’s like that’s on you, dude. The guy that you see in the mirror every day is the reason why you don’t have the things that you want in your life. That’s it. That’s the bottom line.

However, I still want her back.

Now I’m wondering if I should tell her that friendship is not an option and to get back to me if things don’t work out.

Yes, that’s what you should do. I just went on a long diatribe a few minutes ago, spelling out exactly what I would say to her.

Or if I should just continue to not contact her but still be upbeat, polite and short when she calls and texts?

Kindly,

Bob

Again. I wouldn’t be spending time on the phone because every time she calls you, you get your hopes up. “Oh well, maybe this is. Oh, she’s calling me again. Well, maybe she’s finally gotten rid of this dude, and now she’s ready to give us a chance.” And then all she’s really doing is just checking in to make sure you’re still interested in her, that you can potentially still be her backup in case it doesn’t work out with the other guy. And now you just got yourself all wound up emotionally and worked up about it.

And as long as you’re focused on the ex and what happened in the past, you’re not going to be able to notice the women that are around you that are ready, willing, able, and open to dating you, because you’re not open to it. So you got to create a space in your life for somebody to come and fill. And right now, you’re still holding the space open for the ex.

And she’s clearly moved on and is fucking somebody else. And you’re just a guy that gives her attention and validation, and you’re part of her Frankenstein Boyfriend Project. So again, you need to politely decline and tell her to focus on her new boyfriend and to let you move on with your life so you can find a girl who’s single and ready to mingle.

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