Should I Trust What She Says?

How to determine if you can trust what she says while vetting her properly.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man eight times over the past few years. He’s been dating a 27-year-old woman in the middle of a divorce for the past two months who still lives with her husband. He hasn’t signed the divorce papers yet, cheated on her and beat her badly once.

He wants to believe her that she’s actually going to leave, but it simply doesn’t feel right and he asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, as Ronald Reagan used to say, “Trust, but verify.” In other words, always look at their actions and what they do, not what they say. Talk is cheap.

So in this particular email, the guy says he’s read 3% Man eight times over the past few years and he’s been dating a 27-year-old woman who’s in the middle of a divorce. So that’s one of those sticky situations. For about two months, they’ve been kind of seeing each other. However, she still lives with her husband. She claims to have filled out all the divorce paperwork, but he has yet to sign it. Apparently, the ex-husband-to-be. the reason why she’s getting a divorce is because he cheated on her, and he beat her up badly once. So this guy wants to believe obviously, that she’s going to leave and really end the relationship, but obviously a Spidey sense something’s a little off here. I mean, common sense would say, “Well, if you’re leaving your husband who cheats on you and beats you and yet you still live in his house, well women vote with their feet.” If she’s with you, it means she voted for you. So she hasn’t left and got her own place, well she’s clearly still dependent on the husband and they’re sleeping under the same roof. Even though she claims to be sleeping in separate bedrooms. You don’t really know. Do you really want to date somebody else’s wife? Because that’s what this guy is doing.

I’ve done so many emails over the years. Guys and girls both do the same thing. Women especially get involved with guys that claim to be getting divorced when it’s really just a ruse because he wants to keep a mistress. He doesn’t want to break up his family, but he’s not really happy with his wife. So he keeps the girl on the side, “Oh, my wife’s really hurt. Her mental state is really fragile. It’s not a good time to leave. In the fall or after next Christmas, I’ll leave her,” and five years later, seven years later, it’s still the same excuse. The bottom line is, he’s traveling with his wife, he’s vacationing with her and he really has no intention of leaving her. Eventually the younger, attractive woman realizes, “This guy is blowing sunshine up my ass. He’s not really going to leave his wife.” So in this particular case, oftentimes you’ll see women do this. They claim to be wanting to leave, but maybe they’re in a financial situation where they can’t afford to leave or they have kids. At the end of the day, if she’s really, truly ending her marriage so she can create a new relationship with somebody else and be exclusive with him, she’s not still going to live with the husband. That’s just common sense.

If you’re going to get involved with somebody, because I talk about this in the book, ideally if you’re going to date, you want them to be out of the house, divorced, the divorce is finalized, it’s not in the middle of it, because oftentimes you’ll get in these situations the woman’s kind of like monkey branching. She’s looking for other options and sometimes she has no intention of leaving the husband, just like men do with women that they cheat with, but they B.S. the person that they’re with to keep them still engaged and in the relationship. It’s just kind of delusional to date somebody who claims to be getting divorced, but yet they still live with their husband or their spouse, they’re sleeping under the same roof, they’re going on family trips together. Especially in this case, she’s saying he’s abused her and yet she still lives there. Women that tend to put up with the abuser and they stay typically have a low self-esteem. Why would you want to get involved with that? Why would you want to risk a Hialeah divorce? It’s just not worth it. No girl is worth that. You want somebody who’s single and ready to mingle. Ready, willing, able and open to dating. Not somebody that just looks like she’s looking for a sidepiece her Frankenstein husband project, if you will, or her Frankenstein boyfriend project, as I like to call it.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Bob here! I have read your book eight times and applied it for a few years with great success. I started seeing a 27-year-old woman just over two months ago. She said she’s been separated from her husband for six months now and has done everything on her part to finalize the divorce but he hasn’t signed the final documents to finalize it.

Well at the end of the day, if she was really over it, she would have moved out. Unless she’s expecting him to pay her bills, give her money or have a divorce settlement. Maybe she can’t afford to, we don’t really know.

She said at the end of the marriage she was sleeping in a separate bedroom because he cheated on her, was on drugs and beat her badly once.

Any normal human would hear that and go, “Well, why are you still living with him? He cheated on you. He does drugs and he beat you. Why would you stick around?“

She cried when she told me this at about seven weeks in.

Well, it’s understandable that she’d be emotional over that, but at the end of the day, she’s enabling this guy’s behavior by still living with him.

She says that she’s done with him, but he’s been trying to get her back recently.

There it is!

She told him she is seeing someone (Me).

So if we take a step back, we have to assume that she’s probably using the fact that she’s dating the emailer, the guy that wrote the email, to probably manipulate the husband. So she still lives with her husband, she has a boyfriend on the outside and the husband is trying to win her back. So she still lives with him, even though he supposedly is on drugs, he beat her up badly once and he cheated on her. Well, we have to assume that she’s given him the chance to win her back. We don’t really know the story. All we’re doing is hearing her version. If the marriage was truly over, she would have packed her shit and left and got her own place, but she didn’t do that, so it’s kind of like a monkey branch situation.

So if you’re a guy that’s crazy enough to date somebody in a situation like this, I’m sure she’s beautiful and hot and sex is great and everything, but at the end of the day, women vote with their feet. She’s still living with her husband, well congratulations, you are part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. If she was really over the marriage, she wouldn’t still be living with this guy. There’s no reason for her to be living in the house and waiting for him to sign the divorce papers.

She also cried that same night because she knew I was still dating other women and asked me about it repeatedly.

“Well, as long as you’re living with your husband, I have to assume you’re just having an affair. You’re cheating on your husband with me.” That’s what you have to assume. So for me to be exclusive, I mean, that’s just ridiculous. “Oh, I want to meet your girlfriend.” It’s like. “Oh, well she’s actually married to and living with another man, but she’s my girlfriend and we have a great relationship.” I mean, imagine how that’s going to look. Trying to tell your friends and family, “Oh, where’s your girlfriend at?” “Oh, she’s hanging out with her husband.” It’s like your mom’s gonna be like, “What? Just hanging out with her husband, huh? How does that work?”

She is very fun to be around, always upbeat, great sex and easy going with whatever I want to do. She has brought up that she isn’t sleeping with anyone else.

Except we have to assume the husband.

She told me about a night she went out…

Yeah, so here’s another thing. It’s true, some women lie, they absolutely do. Well, Doc Love used to phrase it like this: “Women don’t lie and men don’t listen.” In other words, she’s not really lying. You just don’t understand, womanese. They kind of speak in a different language. So this is classic.

…Got drunk, brought a guy back to her place while she’s been seeing me, he initiated sex and she said she started crying and asked him to leave, which he did.

Is that really the truth? She brought a guy home to her place, what, because they’re gonna play Twister together? They’re gonna exchange cookie recipes? She’s gonna give him a tour of the house? Maybe she’s trying to sell the house to him? She brings a guy home to her house, so she’s down to fuck. That’s not the actions of a woman who would be trustworthy.

Again, this just looks like you’re one of the guys that she’s fucking. You’re just her side piece. Again, when you hear stuff like this you go, “Yeah, can I really believe what she’s saying?” It’s like, “Yeah, probably not.” Probably not a good idea.

I like this girl and she has been patient with me because she said that she senses I’m scared to get into a relationship, which is somewhat true.

Bro, she’s married to another man, and the other man is not doing anything to divorce her. He wants her back and she lives with him. On top of that, she brought another dude home that wasn’t you, but she says she didn’t sleep with the other guy. Just “Trust her.”

It looks like lying through omission, but again, if she’s really trying to convince you that she’s going to be a great, loyal girlfriend, she’s not going to bring home another dude and going, “Oh by the way, I met another guy and brought him home the other night, but I had a meltdown and asked him to leave when he tried to fuck me.” Sure, it sounds totally legit. Maybe the crying is true. Maybe the crying came after the sex, we don’t really know, but anybody looking at that is going, “Yeah, her actions are not the actions of a girl who’s trying to say, ‘Look, I’m free. I’m free of the husband. Now we can be together.'” That’s not it at all. “Oh by the way, I brought home another dude, but trust me, I didn’t sleep with him.” She invited him back to her house, but she didn’t have sex. “Trust her. Honest.”

She says I can do whatever I want with other women but told me I better not kiss anyone else on New Years Eve.

Well bro, you’re a free agent. You can do whatever the fuck you want, and I suggest you continue doing whatever the fuck you want. If she says, “Oh, you got to be exclusive to me,” it’s like, “Well, you live with your husband. He’s trying to get you back. He hasn’t signed the divorce papers. You’re bringing other dudes that you’re seeing back to your husband’s house but not having sex and you want me to be exclusive with you and be your boyfriend? I can’t be your boyfriend. You’re married to another man. If you were really trying to end your marriage, you would have left. You haven’t left. On top of that, you’re bringing other dudes besides me back to your husband’s house, which I’m sure he probably doesn’t appreciate.” Maybe she likes to live dangerously.

She has brought up girlfriend/boyfriend a few times but to me seems scared to ask for it officially.

Probably because she knows it’d be fucking absurd, but it kind of sounds like you’re gullible enough to want to believe it. Again, women vote with their feet. She’s with you, she voted for you. Where are her feet mostly? Well, in her husband’s house. So we have to assume she’s still with her husband and you’re just a guy she’s fucking on the side. I don’t see any actions on her part that would do anything to warrant you granting her exclusivity with you. If you’re crazy enough to date and fuck some other guy’s wife, well that’s on you, but she should just be one of the girls in your practice squad. One of the girls in your rotation. Anytime she brings up boyfriend/girlfriend, be like, “I think you’re great, but you live with your husband. He’s trying to get you back, he’s not signing the divorce papers, so I have to assume I’m just your side piece and we’re just having an affair. I’m your side piece, basically.” What a great place to be.

I wouldn’t be exclusive with this girl at all, and I would have to assume that she’s probably giving you half truths, or as the late, great Doc Love would have said, “She’s speaking womanese to you.” So she’s leaving out details. “This guy came back to my house that I was hanging out with on a date, but when he tried to fuck me, I started crying and asked him to leave, and he left.” Sure…

Well, if she brings another dude home to her husband’s house, maybe the other thing to consider is maybe she’s bringing other guys back to the house and rubbing it in her husband’s face because her husband is cheating on her. So we have to assume she’s cheating on her husband. Like attracts like. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If she’s still married to a cheater who’s cheating on her and she’s rubbing two other men in his face that we know of, well it looks like maybe she’s trying to use you and maybe this other guy to make her husband jealous so he stops cheating on her. That’s what it looks like. Common sense would say, “Well, that’s kind of what really makes sense,” so maybe deep down she doesn’t really want to leave him, but she’s threatening him with divorce unless he is loyal and faithful to her, which quite frankly, doesn’t look like he’s going to do. That’s just a messy situation.

I would assume she’s probably full of shit just looking at her actions. Would I trust her? Trust what she says? Well, I would say she’s probably being honest, but she’s lying through omission. She’s just leaving out important details. Again, we know she’s bringing other guys back to the house. We know that she’s telling her husband about you. It looks like she’s using other men to try to get the husband to be loyal and faithful. “I’m gonna leave. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna divorce you,” and yet she still lives with him, so it looks like you got in the middle of a messy marital situation with a woman who’s cheating on her husband, and a husband who’s cheating on his wife. She’s trying to use other men to make him jealous and get him to commit to her or to be loyal and faithful. That’s what it really looks like, but she’s probably hedging her bets in case it doesn’t work out, and if she gets you to be exclusive with her, she doesn’t have to worry about you giving her a disease or whatever, but the husband is sleeping around. We don’t know what he’s doing. So if you’re raw dogging it, that’s just crazy.

She also hardly ever texts or calls me first…

Well, you’re not really following the book, are you? Because if you were following the book, she should be doing 90%, 95%. Especially in this case. If you’re dating a woman in this situation, she should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. If it was me, I wouldn’t call or text her first at all. That’s on you because again in the beginning of the email were like, “Oh yeah, I’ve been following you for all these years and I read the book eight times,” but you’re doing most of the pursuing. Yeah, you are dopey and focused on your interest in her, and you’re completely ignoring the fact you’re probably getting punked by this woman.

I’m sure the guys in the comments would happily and would easily agree like, “Yeah, Coach is right, bro. It looks like you’re just being used to try to make the husband jealous so he’ll be loyal to her,” which doesn’t look like that’s going real well. The fact she still lives with him and claims, so maybe in her mind, the way she can justify this is that, “Well, if the husband doesn’t stop cheating on me, then eventually when I find the right guy, I will leave him and divorce him. Maybe.” Rejection breeds obsession. The fact that she hardly ever calls or texts him first…

…But is great in person and communicates what’s on her mind well.

Am I wrong for questioning her and what she says? Any advice?

Bob

I’d say you’d be delusional not to. The fact that she hardly ever calls or texts you, that means you must be doing 80%, 90% of the pursuing, which is the opposite of what the book teaches, so that’s part of the reason why you’re in this situation.

If you’re going to date somebody in this situation from a game perspective, if you will, you got to look at this and go, “You know, she lives with her husband. She brought another dude home. I’m probably just one of the guys she’s fucking.” So you never call, you never text, you never initiate first, treat her like a booty call. Let her reach out to you, make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up. When she asks you for exclusivity, just say, “I’m not even going to discuss that nonsense. I mean, you’re asking me to be exclusive to somebody else’s wife, like think of the words that are coming out of your mouth right now. How absurd that is. You’d have to be divorced and single and have your own place and paying your own bills before I would ever entertain being exclusive with you. You’re bringing home other dudes.”

Bro, you’re a free agent. If you’re going to keep seeing her, because obviously she’s probably pretty hot, the fact that you’re doing most of the pursuing, come on, dude. You’re dopey and you’re focused on your feelings about her and you’re completely ignoring that it looks like you’re getting punked. I’d stop calling, stop texting. Just make dates when you hear from her. When she complains about it, just say, “Look, we’re obviously just friends with benefits, sex playmates, fuck buddies. You’re bringing other guys home to your house. You’re still living with your husband. You’re probably trying to work it out with him so we can hook up, but I’m looking for a girlfriend. When I find one, then I’m not going to be able to see you anymore. So I just want to be clear about where we’re at here.” If you do that and you make her do all the calling, texting, pursuing, she might actually move out, but when you do most of the pursuing with a woman who’s living under the same roof as her husband, you’re giving her what she wants and you’re not manly enough to walk away and keep her at arm’s length. So that’s why she’s got all the power.

If you keep doing what you’re doing and doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing, which is the opposite of what I teach, well you’re going to stay stuck in limbo land. I personally would not get involved with this. Again, this is why it’s in the book not to mess around with these kind of women because their emotions are all over the place. Again, the fact that you’re doing all the pursuing it’s like, bro, you need to pull your head out of your ass.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.