How to know if you should wait around for your girlfriend to figure out what she wants if she has dumped you, backed away, moved out or asked to take a break from your relationship because she says that she is confused.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who, until recently, had been with the same woman since they started dating all the way back in middle school. He says they argued a lot, and they both did stupid things to hurt each other over the course of their relationship. He says she used to be obsessed with him, but recently she has moved out and blocked him on social media. Before she moved out, she had been telling him that she was confused and unsure about their relationship. There also was another guy she had been texting and talking to on the side, who apparently has a drug problem, but knows how to sweet talk women into doing anything he wants. Her father has also never been a big fan of his. He asks my opinion on whether or not I think he should wait around for her to come back once she figures things out, or if things are too far down the road to salvage. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I have been with the same girl since I was in middle school. She was simply obsessed with me and did everything she could to make me happy. I was a bit of a player and only wanted one thing. I took her virginity and let her buy me things, etc. Over time, she grew on me. Things were great for a while, but recently they’ve been a bit off. She is never happy with her new job, car, pet, etc., (It sounds like she’s just not happy, and at the end of the day, it’s not your job to fix her or be her therapist.) Recently she has been flirting with other guys right in front of me. (That shows a complete lack of respect for you and is not acceptable.) The most recent one was a guy our friend knew. One night they stayed up all night together, and she lied about it. (You can’t be in a healthy relationship with this girl if she’s lying.) Long story short, he was telling her she deserves better, etc. See, lately we have been a little ugly to each other. We throw fits. I would let our dogs out or turn the AC off, and she would snap or get moody. (It sounds like you definitely need to read my book 10-15 times. It’s like you guys are punishing each other.) I’m not playing the victim; I could be a dick at times and throw fits too. Sometimes she’d blow off plans, and I would get pissed from waiting, eventually saying something like, “well I guess I’ll just go out then.” I know, stupid childish shit. (The fact that she is blowing off plans with you is a sign of low attraction and low respect for you.)
Well, after that night, she wanted to take a break and focus on what we really want in life, mainly school. (She’s really saying she wants to take a break so she can focus on what she wants, and she doesn’t want you right now. She’s unilaterally changing the terms of your relationship.) She said she will always love me, and you never get over your first love. If you love something, let it go. She mentioned things like, she was confused, and she wanted some time for herself. (What she really wants is to break up with you, so she can date other people.) She wanted to go, but didn’t. She even brought up things from eight years ago, and said she felt taken for granted. (You should have just apologized and told her you wouldn’t do that again. Look at the article and video I did called, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” where I go into that in detail.) I’ve read that when girls do this, they are unsure of their feelings for you or are having feelings for someone else, and want to see how it plays out. (Yes, she wants to put you in relationship time out so she can explore a relationship with someone else.) Well, I bought her flowers, wine, and left love notes, etc. (You’ve been watching too many movies. The time to buy flowers or give her love notes is when it’s a surprise, like a birthday or Valentine’s Day. Otherwise it comes off as weak and a bribe for a relationship.) After talking, she decided to stay and fix things, but if they went back to the way things were, that was it. The next day, she was sad and said the spark was gone. I can see why now, after watching your videos. I was dependent on her recently, as she’s made more money this year, and pleading was just that much more unattractive. I gave her a couple of days and asked again if she still wanted to leave, and she said she’s going to move in with her father, who has always given her shit about me regardless.
This is where the plot thickens. Giving her space only seems to piss her off. (Well, chasing her isn’t working. Running after her and trying to force things isn’t working. You need to give her space to figure out what she wants. You need to know if she’s in or if she’s out.) She didn’t want to put a time on things. (She wants you to wait around while she explores things with someone else.) She went from sad one day, to moving out and leaving me on my ass with the lease the next. Her friend thought she should tell me that this guy has started texting her, sending her flowers, etc., and is coming to town in August. He is a meth-head who’s been on and off and is infected with god knows what. (If she’s getting involved with guys like that, he’s going to poison the well. You don’t want those leftovers.) She is drop dead gorgeous, very impressionable and materialistic. He is an older guy, divorced twice, and is very abusive. (It sounds like she has self-esteem issues if she’s getting involved with someone like that.) However, he knows how to tell them exactly what they want to hear. I texted her asking if this was really about her having feelings for someone else, and she blocked me on Facebook and even changed our Netflix password. Even If I never see her again, I don’t want to see her get hurt or sick. (It’s not your responsibility to save her from herself. Have some self-respect, and move on with your life.) I guess my question is whether I should even wait around. (Absolutely not. When someone treats you this way, you don’t sit around waiting for them to come back to you. You need to find someone whose goals and values are more aligned with your own.) She is the love of my life. (No, she WAS the love of your life.) We’ve traveled the world together, but we’ve just been unhappy lately. Do you think I’ve fucked this up beyond repair? (Dude, she’s left. She’s gone, is moving on, and you’re ignoring all of that. You deserve someone better than this. It’s time to move on.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Love cannot exist where there is no trust. Even one instance of someone violating your trust will make it impossible for you to ever fully trust him or her again. When it comes to friendships, lovers, business partners and all of your most important relationships, they need to be with people who place the same high value on trust, honesty, communication and loyalty that you do. People don’t change who they really are, but they may become a better version of themselves. When people show or tell you who they really are, you should believe them. Never delude yourself into thinking that they will change and become the kind of person you want, when their previous actions have continually shown you their true colors.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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