Should I Walk Away or Allow Time For A Connection To Develop?

What to do if you are dating a woman who is newly single and not ready for a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 40-year-old viewer who really likes the 34-year-old woman he’s dating who left her husband 6 months ago after he cheated on her. They have 2 young children together and she hasn’t even filed for divorce yet.

She tells him he should date other women, isn’t ready for a relationship, suggests that she should also date around, but when he backs off, she becomes warmer and wants to spend more time with him. He wonders if he should walk away or allow time for a connection to develop. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

As I’ve discussed in 3% Man, getting involved with these kinds of women, there’s a lot of downside risk. And like just like I spoke about in an email the other day about this particular topic, one of the things I really like about Elon Musk is that he’s a realist. When he was starting Tesla and starting SpaceX, he’s a numbers guy, he’s an engineer, and he looked at it and said, “the odds of of me being able to build a sustainable electric car for a good, affordable price are not my favorite. More than likely, this company is going to go bankrupt. And the same thing, building rockets and going to space is very hard, and more than likely, the company is going to go bankrupt and I’m going to run out of money. But man, it sure is worth it to try.” And so, you have to be a realist in these situations.

If you’re going to get involved with a woman that left her husband six months ago after he cheated on her, and she has two small kids, there’s a really good chance she goes back to this guy. So, from a leverage perspective, you’re in the weakest possible position you can be at, as far as leverage goes. And so, what you have to recognize in this situation is, you’ve got to let women do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, typically, by the third or fourth week in. Because if you pursue a woman like this and you smother her –you make her feel like you’re in a relationship with her or you want a relationship, instead of letting her come to that conclusion – you’re going to chase her out of your life, and she’s going to bounce.

Things could be going great, and you can be doing everything textbook, and then something happens and she’ll push you away. So, it is just not a good idea to get involved with women in the middle of a divorce, especially because it’s not really resolved yet. And so, the chance of emotionally getting burned and getting your heart broken is super high. But this guy really likes her, and we are where we are. He’s already down the road, he’s already emotionally invested, and he’s been seeing her for three months already. So, he’s in la-la land. He’s in dopey la-la land. He’s probably in love with her and thinking, “I’m going to marry her.” He’s thinking all of these things. So, he’s in a weak position of leverage, and she’s in a position of strength. She’s kind of keeping him at bay, and he’s like, “Please, please, please spend time with me.” He’s trying to rope her in and pull her in.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m a 40-year-old guy from the UK, and think I am in a rebound relationship. The girl is 34 with 2 young children and still married. Her partner cheated and they split around 6 months ago, I’ve been seeing her for 3 months.

We met through a dating app where she was honest about not being sure what she was looking for. However, from the first time we met there has been a really strong connection and admission from her that’s she’s never felt like this before.

Well, the only thing women really care about, they don’t care how much you like them or what a good dude you are, they only care about how they feel about you. And so, it’s great that you started out with a high connection and a high feeling of attraction from her towards you. But things are not going to last that way if you overpursue and you become needy and neurotic and demanding.

She comes to my place regularly, I cook her dinner, we laugh, drink wine and sleep together (maybe 2 to 3 times a week). Only recently have I actually been able to take her out for a dinner date, as she was too nervous before now.

So, she was really a glorified booty call. Because she didn’t want to be seen in public, probably because there’s people that she knows that don’t even know that her and her ex have now split up and she doesn’t want to deal with it. Plus, she doesn’t want to show you off to the world as her boyfriend. And these are all things that are discussed in the book, as far as reading her level of attraction in the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers.”

The chemistry is amazing, she tells me she still gets nervous around me, and I can feel the attraction. She still has moments when she tells me she thinks she might not be able to do this.

Probably because you’re pursuing too much and putting pressure on her. And she can feel that you’re more into her than she is into you, which means you’re overpursuing, and you’re trying too hard, and you’re focused on locking her down. And you cannot have that attitude with women that just got out of a relationship. You have to have the attitude of, “Hey, I’m liking the hanging out, having fun and the hooking up.” And getting into a relationship or a commitment should be something that she really has to go out of her way to twist your arm and get you to commit to it.

And tell her your concerns. Like, “Hey, you’ve got two small kids with this dude. I mean, statistically, there’s a really good chance you’re going to go back to him if you haven’t filed for divorce yet or anything.” I mean, I’ve done emails and phone sessions with guys that are in relationships with women that are still married to their spouse and living in the same house with their kids. And yet, they’re buying other properties for him and the new girl, and then what happens? As soon as they close on the new property, the woman bounces back and she ends up staying with the husband.

She suggests I should see other women and she might want to talk to other guys.

You should be seeing other women. It should be her that’s trying to lock you down to a commitment, not the other way around. Women help you when they like you, and she’s telling you what to do.

She tells me she isn’t ready for anything serious for at least 6 months and wishes she had met me down the line.

In other words, what she just told you is, “Hey, I’m keeping my options open. I’m not committed to you or committing to you. I’m also looking to see what else is out there, and you should do the same.” You’ve got to see this situation as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. And unfortunately, he is projecting his fantasy of what he wants her to be, and he’s ignoring the reality.

Because he’s just focused on “How do I get her to pay attention to me? How do I get her to choose me?” Instead of “Is it really good to get involved with somebody like this? Is she good for me? Is she going to be loyal and faithful? Do I really want to get involved with a woman that’s not divorced yet, that just split up with a guy, and there’s a really good chance she goes back to him because she’s got kids with him?” You want to be skeptical of this situation, not like, “Oh, I really love her. We’re perfect, and we’ve got this great chemistry and connection. It’s so amazing, Corey, You just don’t understand.”

I have always remained indifferent to her changes in emotions and made it clear when I’m with her that I love the connection we have and want to continue. When she talks about meeting other people, I tell her she should do what feels right for her and almost challenge her to do better!

Yeah, you kind of want to have the attitude of “I dare you to find somebody better than me.” It’s like, “Go ahead. If I don’t take you all the way, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find.” Like Tom Petty said, “You got lucky, babe, when I found you.”

When I pull away or match and mirror her actions, she always ends up coming back and pursuing me.

Again, you shouldn’t have to be doing that. But what that tells me is the reason you’re having to back off is because you’re still pursuing too much at times.

I let her do 100% of the initiating through text and just try to arrange the next time to see her.

Good.

She hasn’t even started any divorce with her ex, talks little about him and doesn’t seem like she’d have him back after cheating. (He doesn’t appear to be chasing either.) However, I am not stupid; I know she could take him back!

Exactly. That’s why you should just like be skeptical, like Elon Musk. Even though Tesla succeeded with Herculean effort from him and his team, and the same thing with SpaceX, statistically, numerically, he’s like, “It’s probably not going to work, and I’m going to bankrupt myself but, man, it sure is worth it to take the shot.” You’ve got to be a realist in these situations, dude. Don’t be dopey, because if you act dopey, you’re going to get jerked around and get your heart broken, and that sucks.

My question is, given that I do have strong feelings for her that continue to grow and never really know where I stand, as this just seems like a continent set up for her whenever she is free, (and I would like this to progress)…

You should not be focusing on a relationship, dude. It says it right in the book.

…am I better carrying on the way things are, having fun, allowing her to be free, and hoping that she might start to look to offer me more in the future?

I wouldn’t hope for anything. I would have the attitude of, hey, may the best girl win. Keep your options open, keep dating other women. She’s treating you like a booty call. I assume she’s probably still living at home with the ex, because it sounds like you only get together for a booty call. He didn’t say she has her own place, but it sure sounds like she does.

And so, in that case, this is just one of the girls on your practice squad. This is just one of the women that you’re dating. This is one of the girls in your rotation. That’s it. And if she complains or gives you a hard time, it’s like, “Hey, you still live with your husband.” It’s like, “I’m not going to commit to you. You live with your husband. You haven’t even filed divorce proceedings.”

“We’re basically glorified friends with benefits. You keep telling me that I need to date other women. And you also keep telling me that you’re dating other men and want to date other men. So, until you’re out of the house, until your divorce is completely done, I’m going to take everything you say and do with a grain of salt, because it’s just smart to be that way. Because, statistically, there’s a good chance you go back to him.”

Or should I tell her that she clearly needs time to figure herself out so we should go our separate ways for now, and I’ll date other girls but leave the door open for her to contact me when she’s in a better place?

Well, there’s no reason to give an ultimatum like that. But you’ve got to see it like she’s just one of the girls in your practice squad. Simple as that. And you’re trying to find the best girl for you. Her situation is messy, but you like her a lot, obviously. But you’ve got to be realistic. Her situation isn’t getting resolved any time soon. What’s your outcome? Do you want to get married? Do you want a woman to have children with? What do you want? She’s not really a candidate for a relationship because, quite frankly, she’s some other guy’s wife. You’re fucking some other guy’s wife. That’s the honest truth.

I feel after 3 months I want to be with someone I can at least make short term plans with, weekends away, etc.

That’s why you should have other women.

But this currently just goes week to week whenever it seems to suit her.

Yeah, you sound like you’re her booty call.

I don’t know which way gives me the best chance of having something more with her.

Well, that mindset is going to produce the opposite results. And you should not have the attitude of “I’ve got to lock this other guy’s wife down to be my girlfriend.” That’s what you’re saying. It’s fucking ridiculous. Say it to yourself. You’ll be like, “That sounds ridiculous, Corey. You’re right.”

In the meantime, I’m taking it for what it is, still having the odd date with other girls. I keep going to the gym, just got promoted at work, and hang out with my friends and family. But if I am truly honest, I would like something meaningful in my life, and she is one of the few girls that have come along and blown me away.

But you’ve got to see the reality of her situation. It’s nice to have all the Disney feelings and everything, but she’s another man’s wife and mother to his children. You have no leverage compared to that guy. Plus, she ain’t divorced and I assume she’s still living with the husband, so you’re a booty call. You’re a glorified booty call. You’re a glorified sidepiece for her. That’s it.

So, I’d love any advice you have on how to handle it. I have read your book many times and try to always keep centered and calm. That’s the biggest takeaway I get from your work.

Well, you need to read it more if all you’re getting from it is to remain centered and calm. You’ve got to see reality as it is. And you should be dating other women. Because you dating other women and having other choices, other options is going to make you cockier, it’s going to give you more swagger, and she’s going to feel that she doesn’t have 100% of your attention and your presence. And that’s going to make her work hard for it.

And so, when she tries to lock you down, you’ve got to say, “Look, I’m not going to commit to be exclusive with you when you live with your husband and your children and you haven’t even filed for divorce yet. And besides, if we’re honest with what’s going on here, I’m basically a booty call for you. You call me when you’re available, you come over, and it’s wonderful. The sex is incredible. I love being with you. I love every inch of your body. I love being around you. I love the sound of your voice. It’s amazing. But as far as a relationship goes, that’s kind of out of the question until you’ve resolved things with your husband.”

“We can be friends with benefits and we can continue to date, but you’ve got to understand, I’m going to date other women. You’ve made it clear that you’re dating other men, or open to dating other men, so I’m not going to commit. I’m not going to be your boyfriend when you’re married to some other guy. That’s just not going to happen.” That’s what I would say.

You have provided such amazing inspiration with your practical advice and healthy attitude towards relationships, so keep it up, and cheers!

Bob

Well, that’s what I would do if I were you. I personally wouldn’t be involved with somebody like this, but, hey, you can have a lot of fun. Again, she’s just one girl on your practice squad that you happen to really like. Find 2 or 3 more, and that’ll really make things easier for you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.