This is a recent email I got from a woman asking if she should accept a friend request from someone she dated years ago. I have changed their names to protect the innocent.
Thank you for taking your time to answer me. I met you via Twitter. I checked out your website which contains very useful information regarding relationships. I’d like to ask you for your expert opinion.
About 5 years ago, I met this guy, ‘Tom’ we basically saw each other just for a few times. We emailed a lot though and he was the one that pursued me hard. Anyway, things started to frizzle out after a few months. I was still enjoying my life so I couldn’t commit to only one person. Anyway, the ‘goodbye’ was abrupt, no phone call or anything just stopped communicating. I am in Linkedin you know, a social networking site for Professionals (I’ve since done very well for myself with my career as a Sales Executive now). I did think about Tom, just curios not that I was interested in meeting with him again. Then last week, out of the blue, after 5 years, he sent me an invitation to be accepted in my network. Obviously he searched out for me. I am not sure if I should accept and allow him into my professional network (he’s a Director for a major company in Michigan) or should I just ignore his request.
Hey, thanks again for your time, much appreciated.
Here is my response to her email:
Thanks for the compliments on my site. I am glad you are finding my articles to be very useful. I have very good relationships with my ex’s going back almost 10 years. I don’t talk to them all everyday. Some just a few times a year and others once a month. I am grateful to have those kinds of relationships. As I have mentioned in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man” just because a relationship is no longer an intimate one, does not mean two people need to hate each other or become enemies.
I have learned that every relationship comes along at exactly the right time in order to help us grow into a fuller expression of the person God created us to be. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. If two people can still love one another as friends after being lovers, then why not? However, if you have a psycho ex or someone that is negative and verbally abusive, you are much better letting some other poor bastard deal with them and ignore them.
I know from experience that sometimes with my ex’s, if both of us are not in committed relationships, that we might hook up from time to time. I also know that going back to someone to rekindle a romance, most times causes you to realize the reasons you broke up in the first place are still there.
However, if both people are mature and have accepted themselves, then they should be able of accepting each other as who they are without trying to make the other person change. True unconditional love can be given and accepted freely between two people in this case.
I also have ex’s who still have not learned to how to communicate like an adult. I don’t talk with them anymore. Usually they end up getting butt-hurt about something I say or do in the course of just being me. It just becomes more irritating than contributing to my overall happiness and well being to have any kind of relationship with them.
So as long as this guy was not a total psycho or immature jerk, it could be fun to get re-acquainted. Even though you say you have no interest in seeing him again, you do think about him from time to time. You did say it ended abruptly. Is this something you regret? You did take the time to write and ask my opinion so it appears that you might still have some feelings for this guy. So my advice is to contemplate on it and see how you feel in your heart about it. If you feel good about it, then accept the request and see what he is up to. You can always block him later.
Let me know if you have any other questions.
From my heart to yours,
“He who is not satisfied with himself will grow. He who is not sure of his own correctness, will learn many things.” ~ Chinese Proverbs