Here is a recent email from a client who went out with his new girl and her friends:
I have run into new territory and really don’t know where to go from here. I have followed much of your books and take all your advice to personal use. I have been very successful in the dating scene and bedroom life. My friends know this so well, they always ask if there’s a new girl yet. Recently though, I went on a couple dates with a girl that I really clicked with. We had a ton in common, and our personalities click like no one I have ever met before. I get the feeling that some of these feelings are mutual, but can never really decipher her. I had a temporary lapse in judgment due to my feelings towards this girl, and went out to meet her at a bar where she was celebrating her friend’s birthday. As there were a lot of her friends around, I had only a little of her attention, which I could understand. I tried to play this off by talking to her other friends or watching the game on the TV in the bar for a bit. I ended up talking with her before I left, we kissed, and I left. I feel like I may be giving her too much attention too early. Do you have any advice on how to recover from this? I feel like pulling back too much would just give her the wrong idea, but my current course seems like it is headed for disaster.
The whole purpose of dating and spending time with a woman on a date is to build intimacy, comfort and increase her feelings of attraction towards you. Since you have only been on three dates with this girl, it is a little too soon to be hanging out with her friends, instead of her. Plus, like you said, you end up hanging with a bunch a people you don’t know, and it can feel really awkward, especially if you like her, but don’t care for her friends. Accepting a date with her and her friends is not a whole lot of fun, as you found out. You really wanted to spend time with her, but instead you ended up socializing with her friends. It does nothing to build intimacy with the two of you. It was a non-date. Now if you’ve been dating for several months, she is in love with you, and she is officially your girlfriend, then hanging with her friends is okay. Fourth date, not a good idea. When you are with a new girl and her friends, sometimes she will use her group of friends to pre-qualify new prospective boyfriends for her. If one of them does not like you, they can poison the whole group against you. (Look out for cockblockers!) Whereas, if you had been together for a while, she would defend you, and mostly never leave your side if she invites you to a friend’s birthday party. You are her man, and she would stick up for you. If you are new in her life, there are no emotional attachments yet, so it’s easy to screw up with her friends and blow it with her at the same time. It’s easy to avoid these situations by saying you would rather spend the time getting to know her and having fun together. Down the road, if she wants you to join up for girls night out or a friends party, tell her you would be happy to, but right now you just want to focus on the two of you getting to know each other and having fun. Since it’s still early in the relationship with this girl, just wait the normal 4-5 days, and then call her to set up another definite date. One date per week max for the first two months. When you agreed to go to the birthday party, you gave a little of your power away. Stick to the plan, and it will work for you. Women are like baking a cake. You’ve got to take your time and do it just right so everything becomes too delicious for words. You gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Tom, if this girl is really special and you want to make sure you don’t screw it up and scare her off, I would suggest you letting me coach you through it. Invest a little money in yourself by having me coach you a few times over the next month or so to ensure you land this girl.
From my heart to yours,
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur