This is a recent email from a client who lied to his fiancée when they first started dating. Lying to a woman, or anyone for that matter, is never a good idea. This guy has gotten himself into a real pickle. Tom’s not his real name, because I never will use someone’s real name in these coaching emails.
When my fiancée and I first started dating, I told her I owned my house. I actually rent it, and now that we are getting married, what do I do when the subject comes up?
My response is as follows:
Well first off, I have found, and you should know by now, that honesty is always the best policy. Lots of guys do and say stupid things like that to impress a woman, so don’t beat yourself up over it. What’s done is done, and you can’t change the past. It’s not the end of the world, and you should frame the whole topic when it does come up as not a big deal. However, you have to be prepared for her to get really upset.
Women don’t like being lied to. It really causes them to not trust your masculine core. It also gives them something to dig at you with down the road the next time a trust issue or honesty issue comes up. If she becomes pissed off or upset at you, she, like most women, will sometimes go back years to something you did wrong in the past, so try not to give her too many of these situations to use as ammunition down the road when you mess up or hurt her in the same way.
What is happening when women bring up old hurts is, they are reminded of times in the past when you have hurt them the same way you have in the present. Don’t let it get under your skin when that happens. A superior man admits his mistakes and stays true to his core, no matter what. However, I have yet to meet a perfect human being, so keep in mind we are all just trying to do the best we can with where we are at in life. All it is, is an opportunity for you to stay strong and centered and remain her mountain.
Remember the “weathering the storm” example from my book? It’s the same idea. When the subject does come up and she asks you where you both should live, just tell her the simple truth. Maybe you chuckle and then say, “I owe you an apology. When we first started dating, I told you I owned my house. I liked you so much and wanted to make a good impression so badly, that in a moment of weakness, I told you I owned it. I felt really guilty and silly afterwards at my moment of weakness, and I am so sorry I was not truthful about that. What can I say?” With a smile on your face just say, “I was temporarily overwhelmed by my feelings for you, and looking back on it, I am just embarrassed by the whole thing. It’s really god’s fault for making you so damned gorgeous, irresistible and desirable. Just kidding. I really am sorry if I have upset you about this, but what I love about being with you is, you help me be a better man. You bring out the best in me, and I am grateful that we can talk about our own weaknesses with each other and not be judged, but understood and accepted as who we are, regardless of our flaws and faults. So thanks for understanding and being so amazing. I love you. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness.” You also may want to re-read the “weathering the storm” chapter from my book to best prepare for it.
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