Should You Give Her A 2nd Chance If She Stands You Up For Your 1st Date?

How to determine if a woman deserves a 2nd chance after she stands you up for your 1st date.

In this video coaching newsletter I discus an email from a viewer who is new to my work and met a woman at a bar unexpectedly after doing some projects at his brother in laws house. They were both pretty buzzed, but had an amazing conversation for several hours. He made a date on the spot and they continued texting up until the day of their date. Then she stood him up. When he texted her asking if she was running late, she was at a meeting and completely forgot about their date supposedly. Then she told him she could reschedule maybe later in the week. It’s clear she is jerking him around and not very interested, but he is pursuing her trying to get another date. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Should You Give Her A 2nd Chance If She Stands You Up For Your 1st Date?

Well, this particular email is from a guy who’s brand new to my work. And so, one day he was helping out his brother-in-law do some projects around the house. He’s kind of sweaty and dirty, and on the way home he’s like, “Hey, I’m gonna stop in this bar, have a few beers, blow off some steam before I head home.” And so, keep in mind, he’s kind of sticky and dirty and sweaty or whatever.

And he sits down and there’s a cute girl couple stools away, and they start talking, and then she invites him to sit over. And so, he sits. And then they have, you know, one beer turns into four. They have this great conversation. He makes a date with her for like a couple days later, and then they continue texting even after the date is made.

And then like they’re texting even on like, the morning of the day of the date. And so, he goes to the venue and she’s not there, and he’s like, “Hey, are you running late? What’s going on?” And she’s like, “Oh, I was in this meeting. Oh, I completely forgot about it. Oh. So sorry. Gosh darn it.” She leaves the meeting to call him. And then she says, “Well, maybe I can do it later in the week.” And he says, “Okay.”

And so, he’s got all these plans to call and he thinks he’s rescheduled it. But what he’s kind of not paying attention to is after spending several hours with somebody having four drinks with them, granted, they were both buzzed. Making a date on the spot and then the dates only a couple of days later, and then she completely forgets. What does that tell you? Would you think; I mean, he remembered the date.

I mean, they were still talking. How could she possibly forget? Unless it just wasn’t a priority, and she really didn’t give a shit. So let’s take a look at this, because he’s like kind of jumping through his butt trying to get her attention, but he’s kind of ignoring the fact that she’s not really trying.

And on top of that she stood him up. The late, great Doc Love said, “If a woman cancels a date or stands you up, that’s it. You get one chance per girl, per lifetime.” He was like, very [imitates zipping sound] and in most cases that is totally accurate. He was absolutely right about that.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach! 

I just finished my first read of your book 3% Man, and I am absolutely amazed at how it applies to my past relationships. I now see where I went wrong in a couple relationships. And I mean EXACTLY where I went wrong!

Well, you only went through it one time, so it’s kind of slow down, dude. So I see you got to read it 10 to 15 times, but obviously a bunch of light bulbs went off. And that’s good. Because in order to fix things, in order to solve your problems, you’ve got to understand what you did wrong.

Because you want to cut out all that unattractive behavior. Because if you continue to exhibit unattractive behavior, every girl you date after that, you’re going to turn her off for the same reasons.

Unfortunately I have a developing situation that I’m going to have to deal with that will probably occur before I can do further preparation. I also can see what I’ve done right so far and what I’ve done wrong. Fortunately, I don’t think I’m too far off track yet. Last Sunday, I was at my brother in laws house (I’m a widower) helping him with some projects.

I was dirty and dressed poorly but happened to be passing one of the local watering holes on the way home. I went in and sat down for a beer and noticed the most beautiful woman sitting one stool away from me. I merely said hi and the conversation took off. She invited me to sit next to her, so I did. (Probably should have insisted that she be the one to move but didn’t.)

That just communicates a little bit. It just shows that she’s kind of in charge. They said, “Oh, why don’t you sit next to me, cutie. Come over here.” And you just pull the chair out. Because you’re trying to see if she’s submissive and she’s flexible. If you pull a chair out. I was like, “Please join me.” Or, “Would you care to join me?” And pull her chair out? See if she’ll come over. See if she’s flexible. If she’s like, “No, you need to come sit here.” It’s like, “Eh, really?”

First I could tell she was not on her first drink and she had just come from a friend’s funeral.

Eh.

At the Elks Lodge and was kind of emotional. 

Well, that sounds like fun. So she’s going through a difficult time. She’s got a buzz. Somebody just died. And what’s going on? She’s having fun. She’s getting what’s called a pattern interrupt, or a change of her state, because she’s down. She’s at a bar drinking, because she was just at a funeral, and now she meets you and you’re just having a good conversation. So she’s feeling good, and she’s having fun.

We talked and talked about everything. I told her that my father was an Exhalted Ruler at one time.

I guess that’s his thing in the Elks Lodge. I’m not familiar with that.

And she said she would sponsor my membership. That was a mistake I believe because if I’m mixing with her inner circle, she may not want to date me.

Well, it’s fine to talk about it. Doesn’t mean you actually have to take her up on it. Maybe you want to join a different chapter.

Well, the one beer turned into four. The body language was awesome with her facing me and doing a lot of touching.

However, remember she’d been drinking and she’s distraught over the funeral thing.

Her alcohol level and emotional delicacy told me not to take too much advantage of the situation. 

Yeah. Plus, he’s kind of sticky and dirty and was just going to have a beer or two and then go home.

Although we exchanged numbers (she put hers in my phone) and emails. I was going to tell her that I’d offer to walk her to her car but wouldn’t if that made her uncomfortable. 

Yeah, I wouldn’t have said anything like that because you’re kind of apologizing. You’re being a little extra too nice. A man who is sure of himself, and who women like is like, that’s the gentlemanly thing. “I’ll walk you to your car.” You don’t say, “Oh, I’ll walk you to your car unless you’re uncomfortable.”

I was like, why would she be uncomfortable? Only a guy who makes women uncomfortable would say, “Unless you’re uncomfortable.” A guy who sure himself, he’s like, “Hey, I’ll walk you to your car.” That’s the gentlemanly thing to do for a lady.

I only got the first few words out and she said yes. I walked her out and got a big hug but knew better than to go in for a kiss at that point.

I would have kissed her. I mean, you probably stunk, but, she sounded like she was kind of stinking drunk anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. She probably wouldn’t have been able to smell. Wouldn’t have mattered. You’re both kind of stinky and drunk or buzzed.

We set it up me meeting her at the lodge at 4:30 on Tuesday to sign up. We left it that I would text her on Monday to confirm and then meet on Tuesday. 

Yeah, you should meet texting confirm dates. But you did what you did when you say, “Oh well I got to confirm a date.” Or maybe she told you to confirm a date. Usually when a woman asks you to confirm the date, it’s usually means that she’s probably going to cancel on you. And men are used to women wanting to spend time with them, they don’t need to text to confirm.

When you make plans with your best closest friends, do you text to confirm? It’s like, fuck no. It’s like, I can’t wait to see you. This would be great. When you make plans to your parents or your family, do you say, “Hey, are we still on?” I was like, that’s your mom and dad. If you tell your parents you’re going to be someplace, you better fucking show up.

Monday morning she texted me because she had fat fingered a little text exchange on Sunday night at the bar and I gave her a brief response. I ended up texting her in the afternoon on that Monday but she was busy dealing with a car issue. 

So in other words, I mean, she’s too busy to talk to him. Didn’t want to talk to him. Just shows a lack of enthusiasm. But the reality is, you should have had a definite date, definite day, definite time, definite place to get together. A lot of things are up in the air.

And so, you’re communicating that your time is not very valuable. And the way you phrase things, you communicate it as if women jerk you around and blow you off all the time. That’s like a normal thing for you. Just like, “Hey, I’ll walk you to your car as long as you’re not uncomfortable.”

As Tuesday came around, I hadn’t heard from her.

So in other words, she never bothered replying Monday night. That’s what I assume that means.

But went to our agreed meeting. She no showed and after 15 minutes, I texted her to see if she was running late or did, we need to reschedule? 

Or do we need to reschedule?

About an hour and a half later she sent me a text “OMG I’m at the Elks in a meeting!”

The Elks Lodge. I thought they were meeting at the Elks Lodge. That’s what he said in his email. I mean, if you’re going on a first date, you should be going on a proper date, not meeting at the Elks Lodge so you can get signed up. That doesn’t sound like anything romantic.

It just sounds like, hey, she’s trying to get you in as a member. So maybe you misinterpreted, and it was just something to join the Elks Lodge. And usually you see things like that happen when the guy is too afraid to communicate his interest.

Remember, he didn’t want to go for the kiss. He was worried what she would think. So all those little things add up to him basically communicating he doesn’t have a lot of confidence with her. And also more than likely he doesn’t have much success with other women.

She called just a couple minutes later. She apologized and said maybe we could do it later in the week.

When a woman says “Maybe.” Or “We’ll see.” It means “No.”

She had stepped out of her meeting to call me and had to go right back.

Yeah, remember she never even bothered calling you back Monday and then stands you up.

I never did hear from her during the week.

Yeah. So I assume that means that she was supposed to get back to him as far as a reschedule. Remember she said, “Maybe” when a woman says “Maybe” it means “No,” she’s not interested in rescheduling. She don’t give a fuck.

I’m going to call her this afternoon. 

I wouldn’t do it. Because remember, she obviously said she’s going to get in touch with you. And dating is like tennis, she said, “I’ll let you know my schedule.” I was like, “That’d be great.” If she really meant that, she’ll get back in touch with you. And if she didn’t; I’ve said this many times before, you want to give women the opportunity to follow through on their plans and their commitments, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever.

And this woman, all I see is flaking from her, and her not keeping her word, and her not following through. And this guy is continually making excuses for it, because it looks like he’s not used to women following through on their plans. He’s using them flaking out. And so, he communicates without realizing it, that he usually gets jerked around and blown off by most women. Just by the way he talks. He didn’t go for the kiss, he didn’t do any of those things.

I’ll make it brief and nail down a definite date.

Well, if she was going to get back in touch with you to tell you when she was available and she didn’t; remember, she stood you up. And then she waited an hour and a half. “Oh, I’m in another meeting.” That sounds like bullshit. So she didn’t care. She was drinking. She probably had a buzz, she just didn’t give a shit.

We’ll see what happens. 

Well, if I was a betting man, I would say nothing’s going to happen.

If she doesn’t answer or call back this afternoon, I was going to follow up with one text tomorrow. 

No, you don’t double text either. You said you read through The Book, and yet you’re like, everything you’re doing here is violating principles in The Book.

If that doesn’t work, I guess I’ll just walk away. 

I would walk away now. I wouldn’t call her, text her again for any reason. It looks like what you said was that you were supposed to hear from her, whether or not she’s able to see you later in the week. And so, I wouldn’t call her or text her for any reason. I would assume, “Hey, she doesn’t really want to see me. She already stood me up. So why would I want to give her another chance? And call her for a date when she’s supposed to be the one getting back to me?”

What are you, a sucker? Do you want to give her another opportunity to make a date and then blow you off and go, “Oh, shucks. Gee, I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t remember the date we set, you know, two days ago.” It’s rude. She’s rude and she doesn’t give a shit.

We had such a great time talking that I’m hoping to keep the momentum.

Well, dude, it seems like it ended that day.

I’m going to try to kick the Elks membership down the road a little if I can because it’s a complication that I don’t need in the mix. 

It sounds like maybe she was just thinking she was going to sign you up for a membership. I don’t know, maybe they get rewarded for bringing in new members, I don’t know. But as far as going on a date, it really didn’t seem like she gave a shit. And then you hugged her goodbye. You basically acted like a pal or a friend, not a potential lover.

Both of us might have committed to it a little much for me to delay but we’ll see how it unfolds.

Anyhow, thanks for the great book. After my first read, I started reading “How to Win Friends” so I’ll reread 3% Man after I finish what I’m on. 

Bob

Well, if I were you, I would get through The Book 10 to 15 times as much as possible. I wouldn’t just read it once because I pointed out so many mistakes that you’ve made in here, even though you’ve been through it once. That’s the thing. This stuff is sailing right over your head, and you’re continuing to do things that are the total opposite of The Book.

And the reality when you look at the fact this woman has on multiple occasions promised to do something and didn’t, you didn’t give her the space to get back to you. You double texted or double phone called her. You accepted a potential maybe date when a woman says “maybe” just say, “Hey, yeah, well, you know, let me know what your schedule is like and we’ll reschedule.”

And then you never call or text her again for any reason. Because she stood you up. She wasted your fucking time. You drove all the way there, and she doesn’t even show you up. And then you call her or text her, and she waits a whole hour and a half to get back to you. And she’s like, “Oh, sorry.” She’s not sorry. She don’t fucking care. So in this case, just like Doc Love said, it’s like she’s out.

The only way I would ever go out on a date with her again is if she does reach out to you. Then you can try to reschedule a date. But it’s got to be an actual date, a definite date, definite time, definite place to get together, meet up for a drink or whatever. Don’t be going to the Elks Lodge, to sign up for a membership because that’s not a date. That’s a platonic thing. And so, you got to have the balls to stick to what it is that you want.

But it looks like, quite frankly, you probably should be putting a fork in this, because I doubt whether you’re going to hear from this woman again. Maybe after a couple of weeks go by, she might reach out to you. And, you know, if she, especially if she reaches out and says, “Oh, hey, let’s, you know, get together to get you signed up” or whatever, just say, “Yeah, you know, we can do that, you know, down the road. But I would definitely like to get together and, you know, meet for dinner and meet up for drinks again.”

And see if she’s down to do that. If she’s not, just say, “I’m not really interested.” And then move on. But like I said, I would put a fork in this. It just looks like you’re toast. And plus on top of that, it’s like, dude, she stood you up. Have some self respect. It’s like, you totally allow this woman to waste your time, and then you can’t wait to give her the opportunity to waste even more of your time.

And you’re completely ignoring the fact that she’s not doing anything she said she was going to do. She’s blowing you off and not following through. So if it was me, I would never call her or text her again for any reason. And unless you hear from her first, it’s like I would put a fork in it, delete the number and move on with your life.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.