Here’s how to tell when it’s appropriate to give gifts to women you date, and when it becomes a turn-off that ruins sexual attraction.
Before I recovered from being a “nice guy,” inappropriate gifts and flowers were my calling card. They ran up my credit card bill, but never helped me get laid one bit. I felt so awkward and unsure of how to ask women out that I liked, that I would get their numbers from mutual friends; or send flowers, cards, love letters and small gifts in hopes that a gift from my heart would make up for my lack of self-confidence, and the fact I had no idea how to go about asking for a date. Usually I would hear back from mutual friends, “she really appreciated the flowers, or the…(gift I gave).” But I rarely got any phone calls from them. I thought to myself… “I’m making progress! Ok, she was not mad I sent them, so it must mean I got a chance!” I never thought about, or considered the possibility that the reason she did not call, or would not make a date with me when she did, was because she had no interest! Eventually I would walk away after I realized I had no chance.
I chased women I liked and who liked me, but eventually blew it when they realized I was needy, insecure and did not understand attraction. I also spent plenty of time chasing women who had no interest in me thinking they would eventually like me once they got to know me. Women either find you at least 51% attractive on a scale of 0%-100%, or below 50%. If a woman’s interest level in you is lower than 50%, you ain’t got any chance with her. If her interest level in you is 51% or higher, you can raise it up to 90% and above where love starts. See page 120 of my book for a detailed explanation of interest level and how to tell where you rate in a woman’s eyes by looking at her actions towards you. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn the basics of approaching, dating & understanding what women really want in a man.
I eventually learned that giving gifts and flowers to women I was not in an exclusive relationship with, was an absolute waste of my time and money. Plus it communicated that I was weak and did not understand women. If a woman I liked blew me off, I’d send her flowers hoping she would contact me. Sometimes I got a “thanks”, but never another date. Usually they just ignored me. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
If you are dating and sleeping with a woman, but you are not exclusive, at least not yet exclusive, you can’t just ignore her on Valentine’s Day. Otherwise, you will piss her off and make her feel hurt. At the very least, you should call her and wish her a happy Valentine’s Day, and then make a date to see her in the next few days. That way, you are being sweet and making an effort on Valentine’s Day that will be appreciated, but you won’t go overboard on Valentine’s Day when the status of your relationship doesn’t warrant it. When you do see her for your date, surprise her with a funny Valentine’s Day card designed simply to make her laugh, but also communicate you went a little out of your way to get her a card and say something cute and sweet on a day that is important to women. It will make her feel good and make her feel you are sweet. If you were casually dating multiple women, there is no way you could go out with them all on Valentine’s Day. Unless of course, they’re bisexual playmates. However, calling them on Valentine’s Day to let them know you are thinking about them and want to see them, makes them feel special. Then when you surprise them with a funny Valentine’s Day card, you make them feel special again. Being successful with women is all about engaging their emotions in a positive and fun way towards you.
The following is an e-mail from a reader. He is casually dating a woman, but not yet exclusive. Valentine’s Day is coming up and he is wondering how he should handle flowers, dinner, etc. when they are not serious yet. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
So as a student of your books, tapes and a one on one phone coaching session, I have a question regarding how to stay in the right mode of letting women chase, not becoming a pleaser, etc. when it comes to gift giving. We just got past Christmas… now Valentines looms. If I have been seeing someone weekly for 4-6 weeks and we’re not exclusive, is it too much to send flowers, do a nice dinner etc?
(Taking her to dinner someplace nice is fine. Flowers are more for a girl who you are dating seriously. Keep in mind, when you take a woman out for valentines day, you are communicating that romantically, she is the most important woman in your life. Since valentines day is still a month away, and if you are playing your cards right, she should be in love with you by that point. When she starts asking “Where is this going?”, then you know she is thinking about being exclusive with you.
It usually takes about 8 weeks of casual dating for the woman to fall in love with you. The more you screw up, the longer it takes to get her there. If she is your girlfriend by then because she brought it up first and is telling you consistently that she loves you, then I would definitely have flowers sent to her on valentines day as a surprise. If you are just keeping it casual, then do dinner and skip the flowers.)
The right amount of gift seems a little tricky. I want to do enough but also not seem anti-challenge? (The idea is to do it from the realistic perspective of where the relationship is at. Flowers are a gift from the heart reserved for special occasions for a girlfriend or wife. Most guys give flowers when they are trying to bribe their girlfriends, or wives, to forgive them. The less often you give flowers, the more they mean when you do give them. That’s why they are better given as an occasional surprise gift of the heart to a woman you are in a relationship with. Not women you just met or started dating. Then it would be way too much too soon. Most guys give gifts as bribes of affection because they feel too weak inside to ask for, or go for what they want. So it comes in the form of an inappropriate gift that tries to make up for a guys lack of confidence.)
Thanks for any advice or an article on this. Thank you for all of your help!
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“He who is not satisfied with himself will grow. He who is not sure of his own correctness, will learn many things.”-Chinese Proverbs.