Why you should make sure the people you date, hang out with and befriend share similar goals and values with you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from a female viewer I have been coaching for the past several years. In her first email, she asks about her current boyfriend, whom she has been dating for about five months. They just moved in together, and she has started noticing some behaviors that really bother her. He snaps at her when he is angry or stressed and tells her, sometimes she needs to leave him alone and let him be. She says they both have gained some weight since they started dating. She is eating healthier now, and he notices when other guys check her out. He is always offering her unhealthy food when she is trying to take care of her body and health.
She says her attraction for him is up and down like a roller coaster. He also tends to be a little bit of a hoarder and never throws anything away. Her second email came in about a month after her first one, and she gives an update on what is happening in their relationship. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of her emails.
Viewers First Email:
I just moved in with my boyfriend of 5 months, and I’ve started to notice some behaviors that bother me. He has started to snap at me quit a bit. Normally, I call him on it, but I thought, well, he started a new job and has an hour commute. I thought it was stress. But the other night, he snapped at me again for no reason and apologized. What bothered me was when he said, “You’ll LEARN to just leave me alone and walk away.” I thought, what the fuck! (Keep in mind, as a woman, you need to understand, men solve their problems by thinking about them. They like to chill out by themselves and think things through. Men solve problems in their heads, whereas, women solve their problems by talking about them and working through them. In that moment, you were probably trying to get him to talk and thought you were being helpful, but he just needed some time alone.) All we were doing was having a conversation. I said, “I’m not going to leave you alone because you got your panties in a bunch.” I looked him in the eye and said, “If you think I’m the kind of girl whose going to walk away and back down, that’s not going to happen.” He looked at me and said, “No one ever talks to me like that.” (I would have asked him in a loving way not to snap at you and be an asshole. I would have said, “If you need some time alone, just tell me.”)
We also gained our love pounds, and I’ve started the Paleo lifestyle, which I’ll eventually turn into an alkaline plan. Most guys I’ve dated are into the same stuff, but every chance he gets, do you want chocolate, do you want a cookie, do you want chips? (This is where you need to consider if you have similar goals and values. If you’re in good shape and like eating healthy, but you’re dating somebody who doesn’t eat that way, your goals are not aligned. If you can’t motivate the other person, you will become like them. It’s really important to wait a year or two before you move in together.) Maybe it’s subconscious, but all of this is making me lose respect for him. He sees guys look at me all the time, so I think he’s afraid of what I’ll eventually look like. (That’s possible.) Plus, it makes me think our lifestyles aren’t as in sync as I thought. (It happens. When you really care about somebody, you’re emotionally invested, and you bullshit yourself, but it’s easier to be honest with yourself and say, “It doesn’t serve us to stay together.”) And he keeps EVERYTHING. He can’t de-clutter. (It’s really important if you’re a clean person, to live and date with other clean people. Otherwise, you’ll drive each other crazy. Sometimes you just need inner strength to end a relationship, rather than stay in one that sucks.)
My attraction for him is up and down like a rollercoaster. One of my girlfriends said, “You know when your boyfriend still gives you butterflies?” and I said, “No, I don’t get butterflies.” Sometimes I’m more attracted to strangers, which is a reminder of how I don’t feel that way towards him anymore. I even made him buy your book when we first met and the response was, “Yeah, he has some good stuff to say.” (Think about it. You’re a growth-oriented person. You’re better off dating somebody like yourself from the get-go, rather than trying to change someone who is not interested in self-help.) I more or less feel like a maid and a cook, and the sex is like three times a month. I love him, but I don’t think I’m in love. Things are just off. I want your opinion. (Just from what you’ve shared so far, he’s messy and you’re a neat freak. That isn’t going to work. The communication styles aren’t there. You’re a growth-oriented person, and he’s not. As you grow and evolve in life, those people will fall by the wayside. Like attracts like.)Thanks!
Viewer’s Second Email:
I know you’re busy so don’t worry about answering my email if you get to it. I broke up with my boyfriend a month after I emailed you. I was ignoring the obvious and knew I was settling. If I didn’t know your work, I probably would’ve stayed a lot longer than I should have. Actually, because I know your work, I should have run in the beginning, Lol… so thanks for everything you do! (That’s the whole point. The idea is to try and get a little better each and every day. You have improved from where you started. Our outer world tends to be a reflection of our inner world. Just ask yourself why you attracted somebody like this guy into your life? What obvious signs were there in the beginning that you ignored?)
“It is said, we become like the five people we spend most of our time with. You are whom you associate with. If you want to become successful and rich, you should spend your time with people who are goal-oriented, driven, focused and way more financially successful than you. People who are more successful than you tend to pull you up to their level. People who are less successful than you tend to pull you down to their level. That is why the overwhelming majority of people who grow up in poor neighborhoods tend to spend their whole lives being poor. Reaching your full potential is incredibly hard, takes decades to accomplish and is the result of breaking big goals down into small, easily achievable daily goals. Think of your peer group like your team. If you want to be a winner, you must surround yourself with winners. Unfortunately, if you surround yourself with losers, you will become a loser yourself. It’s your choice. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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