What you should do if something feels off in your relationship and there’s a lack of chemistry and passion.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating his girlfriend for over a year. They have broken up three times due to his anxiety and his questioning of whether or not he really loves her.
He is really torn over their relationship because something just feels off with them. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s kind of confused because there’s a lot of things he really cares about and loves about this girl, but at the end of the day, what he’s feeling internally is not what he expects to feel. I wrote about this, obviously, in How To Be A 3% Man. When I was younger, I did that. I got married to somebody I shouldn’t have gotten married to. I should have dated her for a few years and then moved on, but I didn’t know any better and I allowed peer pressure and societal pressure to cause me to make a decision and do something that, deep down, didn’t feel right and I didn’t want to do.
But I didn’t have anybody around me that understood this stuff or had the kind of relationship that I thought was a good example, and all my friends were getting married at the time. I was like, “Hey, this is what everybody else is doing. Maybe I’ve just got cold feet.” Everybody was giving me their opinions, and when you ask opinions from other people, especially other people that have also settled and have something mediocre in their life, they’re basically telling you to live the way they’ve lived and make the choices that they’ve made. Why? Because we all look to validate our own life choices.
So, unless somebody has the kind of relationship you want, or lives the kind of lifestyle you want, dates the kind of people that you’d like to date, you shouldn’t be asking them for advice. If somebody settled and you’re asking for relationship advice, they’re going to give you their strategy of how to settle, and that doesn’t serve you.
The best thing you can do is do what feels right for you. And this is hard in our society. Most people don’t like to be single. They don’t like the process of dating, because the reality is you’re going to go out on dates with people that are just not going to go anywhere. That’s part of the process, and you have to learn to enjoy the process, but also, you want to get good at screening your dating prospects properly, so you waste as little of your time as possible.
I love spectacular, and at the end of the day, my book is titled “Woman of Your Dreams,” not “How to settle for somebody who’s mediocre and make the best of it.” That’s not what I’m about. If it’s not spectacular, whether it’s friendships, intimate relationships or your life’s work, you’ve got to keep searching. You’ve got to keep looking until you find the right thing that lights you up on the inside.
I was dating this girl for over a year, and during that time I broke up with her 3 times for two reasons. The first is a constant anxiety and inability to relax around her coupled with distrust. This could very well stem from my own personal issues.
Well, as Dr. Dominick D’Anna says, from BeSimplyWell.com, your issues are in your tissues. And so, if you’re constantly feeling fear and anxiety, that’s literally locked into your physiology. There’s a lot of videos on my YouTube channel and on my website that I’ve done with Dr. D’Anna and other people that I work with, where you can see the process of going through network chiropractic care. And what that does is it helps put your physiology into a peaceful and relaxed state so you’re not so fearful. You’re literally locked into a fearful state, and network care helps alleviate that, helps loosen you up and get you to a place where you feel at ease, you feel peaceful, and you feel relaxed.
So, I highly recommend, if you’ve got the time, fly into Orlando, Florida, and go see Dr. D’Anna for at least two weeks solid, because the more treatments you can get in a shorter period of time, the quicker you’re going to loosen up and the more relaxed you’re going to feel. And it is absolutely life changing work.
You can look at the the different consciousness stages, 1 -12. There’s a playlist on my YouTube channel of the different consciousness exercises with Gracie and Dr. D’Anna demonstrating them. You can actually do these at home and see how you feel in your body when you do all 12 of these consciousness exercises. I’ve had a lot of people that have gone into Dominick’s office and have also emailed me that when they put these videos on their television screen at home and they do it in their living rooms, or whatever, that they definitely felt something. They felt emotional releases.
So, if you’re not able to fly in, I would highly recommend that you do the consciousness exercises 1 – 12, and those should definitely help you feel less anxious. And if you can afford it and you’ve got the time, fly in to Orlando and get Dominick to work on you for two weeks. It’s the most life changing healing modality that I’ve ever experienced in life. And that’s why I’m such a huge advocate, and why Dominick and his staff, and my own staff, it’s a big part of all of our lives because they believe in it. And I don’t recommend things that I don’t believe in. I will never bullshit you.
Secondly, I struggled to know if I truly loved her, or if I was really attached to the validation she gave me.
It sounds like you love and you appreciate her interest. And at the end of the day, when you love somebody, you know it. There’s no second guessing. You may care for them deeply, but you either know or you don’t. You don’t have doubts. With the right person, it’s just like your closest friends, you just click, you get along. It’s easy, it’s effortless, it feels right, and that’s what you’re looking for.
Way too many people settle for somebody whose goals and values are not aligned with their own, and they have a mediocre relationship. Eventually, they have kids. They think, “Well, kids will make us happy.” Then they have kids, the kids don’t really make them happy, and then the kids grow up in a in a loveless, sexless marriage. And then they grow up and go and repeat the same kind of life. And that’s a tragedy. But it happens way too much in our society.
Something feels off between us. I also wonder if my distrust and anxiety stems from knowing deep down that we aren’t meant to be, but not leaving…
So, he already knows it’s not meant to be, but he’s not leaving.
…and therefore her not being satisfied and seeking love outside the relationship.
Well, quite frankly, you’re wasting her time and you’re wasting your time. It’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to you to stay involved with somebody when you’re just not feeling it for her. If you truly care about somebody, if you truly love somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. Because women know, they can feel it. And if you don’t date and court your wife or girlfriend, eventually some other guy’s going to come along and date her for you.
If you’re not feeling the urge or the desire to court your girl properly, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with her. Just think about it from this perspective, your closest friends, you love hanging out with them, you want to be around them, it just feels good. But being with the wrong person in an intimate relationship and you’re not feeling that, it feels like you’re in a prison.
And that’s how I felt when I was married. I was completely living a lie. I was living a life and a lifestyle that was not of my choosing, even though I went along with it. And I did ask her to marry me. I shouldn’t have, but I was weak and I was young and I was experienced. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t have anybody at home or in my family that had anything that I admired or looked up to. I just figured, “Well, I guess this is as good as it’s going to get. Maybe I just have cold feet.”
“You’ve got to trust your heart, your curiosity and your intuition,” like Steve Jobs said because, “They somehow already know what you want to become.” And here he is in his email saying, “Knowing deep down that we aren’t meant to be.” He already knows this. So, it doesn’t serve you, it doesn’t serve her. It’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to you to continue living a lie. Have the balls to end it with love, learn what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” apply it, and go find somebody that you really click and jive with. That’s the best thing for you and, potentially, your future children.
Overall, I am very torn as to whether my problems stem from insecurity, a lack of love for her, or both. It has been a deep inner battle when since met, and at times it is exhausting.
Yeah, because it’s forced. You’re forcing yourself to play a role that doesn’t feel right internally. So, you’re an actor. You’re living out a lie. Your relationship is a lie, and therefore your life is a lie. And that’s not a good way to go through life, because you’re forcing yourself to put on an act. If you’re with the right person, it’ll be easy, it’ll be effortless. You’ll just love making them smile.
You’ll love making her feel good. You’ll love making love to her. You’ll love having her around, even if you’re just sitting on the couch, reading a book, or watching the TV, or just lounging around on a Saturday being lazy. You’ll just love having that person there. And if you’re feeling exhausted being around her, you shouldn’t be there. You’ve got to have the courage to leave and find what you really want.
It feels like there is constantly a problem I need to solve yet nobody can help me solve it. What do I do?
You already know what to do. When I ask somebody a question and they say, “I don’t know,” they know, but they don’t want to say. And right here in his email, I mean, he came around and said it, “knowing deep down that we aren’t meant to be, but not leaving, and therefore her not being satisfied.”
Women want to be in a love story. They don’t want a placeholder. They don’t want a roommate and a companion. They want a passionate love affair. They want to be swept off their feet by a guy who actually cares. And vice versa, they want to be with a guy that actually cares about them, but also who they care about.
So, if I were you, I would have the balls – maybe jump up and down real hard, and your balls will finally drop – and you can leave the relationship. Do the work on yourself. Maybe some therapy and counseling would be good. Find a good, competent therapist because, quite frankly, there’s a lot of shitty ones out there. So, you should interview several of them.
And when you find somebody you jive with and you click with, and you feel like they actually listen to you, and they give you good advice, that’s who you should get therapy and counseling from, not just the first person that you talk to or that you find online. Find somebody who’s competent, and good at it, and that you like, and who likes you and likes working with you, that’s the most important thing.
You’ve got to surround yourself with like-minded people who really enjoy you and your company, and vice versa. You shouldn’t be wasting anybody else’s time. It’s not fair to them, and it’s not fair to you. And it certainly won’t be fair to any future children you potentially have with somebody who you’re in a mediocre relationship with.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The right people whose souls and life paths are aligned with your own just feel right and natural to be around. Things are easy and effortless with them. Things just work naturally. This includes your personal and professional relationships and what you choose for your life’s work. The challenge is letting go of people and circumstances that no longer serve you. In order to attract the right people and circumstances, you must first create a space for them to fill. Most people never experience this because they are afraid to let go of the mediocre to pursue what sets their souls on fire. You’re either savage or you’re average.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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