Sometimes A Kiss Is Just A Kiss

Why women flake despite the fact they seemed to like kissing you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who matched with a girl on Bumble in the Netherlands. She let the match expire, but he looked her up on LinkedIn and invited her out for a drink which she accepted. On the date there seemed to be real chemistry and interest and they kissed several times. He reached out the next day to tell her what a good time he had, and she said she wasn’t feeling it. He’s confused as to why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Sometimes A Kiss Is Just A Kiss”.

Well, this particular email is from a viewer. It looks like he’s been a pretty good student. He says he’s read 3% Man 17 times. He’s been practicing what it teaches, and he’s been rereading it at least once a year. And so recently, he matched with a girl on Bumble, who I guess is from South Africa.

He lives in the Netherlands and she’s in the Netherlands as well. And he really liked it because I guess I think he’s from South Africa as well. And with Bumble, as you guys know, they’re doing online dating, the woman has to message first. Or I should say, you get a match. The woman has 24 hours to message you.

If she doesn’t, then the match goes away. If she matches, sends you a message within 24 hours and you don’t reply to her message in 24 hours, the match goes away. So in this case, what happened was is that they matched, but she never messaged him, and just basically let it expire.

So he went to LinkedIn, was able to find her, reached out, made a date and, uh, went out and had a beer and he thought he had a really good date. And then the very next morning, he texted her to tell her what a good time he had the night before. And she says, “Yeah, I’m not feeling it.” And he’s like, “What the hell?”

So because he’s thinking she kissed. It seemed like we had a lot of chemistry, but you could tell he was focused on his interest in her and wasn’t really paying attention to her reciprocation. I mean, the obvious glaring one is that she just let the match expire, which typically shows that there’s no to low interest if she’s not expressing, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you.”

I mean, she just let it expire because it didn’t really move the needle. But when he tracked her down, she’s like, “Well, it’s better than staying at home looking at the four walls. Let’s just see what happens.”

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey,

I hope this potential newsletter finds you well. I have been a follower for over five years now, and I have read your book 17 times. I’ve been practicing what it teaches and re-reading it at least once a year. It has helped me a lot, both in my professional and personal life.

However, I do have a situation where I can’t quite wrap my head around what happened, and I would really appreciate your perspective on it. Let me lay out the scene. I matched with a girl from South Africa, but living in the Netherlands, in my city, on Bumble. She didn’t respond in time, so the match expired. On the date she later mentioned that she let the match expire because she had just returned from a holiday in South Africa and wanted to settle in again before dating.

Well, if you look like Brad Pitt, do you think she would have just let that match expire? Interest cuts through everything. So it sounds like a nice excuse, but at the end of the day, The thing that he just is glaringly ignoring is that she let the match expire. She wasn’t that into it that’s what it means. But because he was focused on the fact she’s from South Africa, he liked what he saw.

He tracked her down. He was aggressive. He was masculine. He was rolling a dice. You know, in a situation like this, you’ve got like a 50/50 shot. Maybe you go out with her and maybe she’s like, “You know, this guy’s not so bad. I’ll give him another chance.” But obviously, as you’ll see, it doesn’t go that way.

This is why it’s so, it’s another one of those emails where you just you’ve got to pay attention to her effort and her interest. Because too many guys are only focused on what they want, their dream girl, they project their fantasy. And they completely ignore that she’s just not that into him. Oh, we got a squeaker toy downstairs. Who is that? Oh, little Elon chewing on an alligator.

I was only the third date she had been on since arriving here two and a half years ago.

Three dates in two and a half years. So she’s not much of a dater. So she’s also not in a headspace where she really wants to date. I mean, if you just look at her actions, she’s not really going out with anybody. She’s just meh. And as I say, you want a woman who would jump fences to be with you, not somebody that’s sitting on the fence. And so having this kind of an issue here, because a lot of us do it. We focus on “we want to get the girl, we want the ultimate woman”, but we ignore the fact that, well, she gets a choice too.

She gets a vote as well. And most guys just don’t seem to pay attention to that. They think that their interests and their effort is all that really matters. But you set yourself up for heartbreak, because if you do that from the beginning, and throughout the relationship, you’ll ignore signs when you’re sending these long texts and she’s sending short replies back, or you’re responding to her within a couple of minutes of her texting you, and yet she takes 4 or 5 hours to reply.

Or she replies the next morning or the next day, almost 24 hours later. And you have to pay attention to those things, because a girl with enthusiasm and who really likes you and has mutual interest and is normal and healthy, she’s going to reply. And she’s going to reply with enthusiasm and effort and interest. You have to pay attention to that.

Because if deep down you don’t think you deserve to have the love you want, then when you come across these women with lukewarm low to no interest, you’ll make excuses for it and keep making the effort. Keep calling, keep texting, keep chasing. Even though the more effort you put into it, the more you notice she seems to fade away.

I thought it was a shame the match expired, since I have a special connection with South Africa.

So again, this is his fantasy that he’s projecting onto her.

So I looked her up on LinkedIn and sent her a connection request with a message inviting her for a drink and a braai.

Braai. He meant to say Brie like baked Brie? Not really sure. B r a a i. I don’t know what that is. Maybe you guys can fill that out in the comments there. That’s a new word for me. Or he misspelled it, which happens.

She accepted, and I set up a date to take her out for a Belgian beer. Like you teach, I simply told her the spot to meet me and that we would take it from there. So we went out, and right from the start everything went so smoothly. The conversation flowed so easily.

Remember, you want to see reality as it is not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. So I would also have to surmise or assume that probably on the date he thought it was going better than it actually was. Because again, he’s really enamored with her and he’s projecting his fantasy onto her and he’s not really remaining objective.

The waiters came by at least three times to take our drink order, but we hadn’t even looked at the menu yet—we were so locked into the conversation. I think she did at least 77% of the talking.

Which from the book, that’s a good ratio. You should be letting her do an 80%, 90% of the talking, and you just ask the questions and lead the conversation. But the other thing to remember is attraction is not a choice. She knows within three seconds whether she date and sleep with you or not.

And we got to keep going back to the fact she just let the match expire. That’s just not something you can go, “Ah, I don’t care about that. I’ll show her how much I like her and she’ll like me back.” Women don’t care about what a great guy you are, or even what a good kisser you are. What they care about is how they feel about you. That’s everything.

After about two hours, I suggested we go glow golfing. Which is mini golf in the dark.

Well, that sounds kind of interesting. I’ve never heard that before.

She agreed, and we went there to play a round. During the game, I noticed she got closer and closer to me, so after the last hole I went for the kiss. She kissed me back passionately, holding me very tight.

It seems like she’s into it. But again, maybe the beers were flowing and she had the beer goggles on. Because it’s Belgian beer. I know it’s definitely stronger than Miller Lite, so maybe she had a beer. She had a buzz on. She had the beer goggles.

She joked that her calves were going to get strong (she’s 1.64m and I’m 1.95m).

I don’t know what that is in feet and inches, but okay. (For reference she’s about 5’4 and he’s about 6’4.)

After the golf, we went for a drink. At that point we were the last ones there and they started cleaning up, so it was time for us to leave. We cycled back to the city center where we parted ways, but not before making out once more. She asked me to send her the name of a French cheese that she would get for me in France and give me the next time we met. So far, so good, I thought.

But again, alcohol is involved. And so this is why it’s so important you’ve just got to bottom line the actions. Because from these appearances it looks like she seems to like him. But again it could have just been the alcohol. And it was better than staying at home doing nothing.

The next afternoon, I sent her a text saying I had a lovely time, along with the name of the cheese. That evening, I got a text from her saying that she had thought about the date all day and decided that, ultimately, she didn’t feel it. I was really taken aback by this, which I told her. I asked her what had changed, and she said nothing had changed. She just didn’t feel it.

Like I said, if you take a step back, instead of just focusing on how much you like her and the fact she’s from South Africa, what happened when you matched? She didn’t even think it was worth her time to reply to you. She was okay with it expiring and then she gave you an excuse which was like, “You know, I’m not really into dating right now. That’s why I let it expire.”

But she’s on a dating app because she’s trying to meet somebody. But she decided, “Oh, well, I didn’t reply just because I decided I’m not that into dating right now.” Despite the fact she’s on a dating app. It sounds logical. It sounds like it makes sense. But if we take a step back and only look at her actions, her actions tell us that she wasn’t even interested from the get go.

But the fact he tracked her down, she was like, “Well, I got nothing going on tonight. Let’s go out with this guy and see what happens.” She has a couple cocktails, gets a little frisky, a little kissy poo, and he’s thinking, “I’m in like Flynn.”

I replied, “Well, if that’s how you feel, I respect that but send me a text if you change your mind,” and I hearted her response, which said something along the lines of, “Thank you for your understanding.”

It’s almost like, thank you for your attention to this matter.

My question is, what happened?

Um, beer goggles, I think happened. That’s what I think happened. That’s why she was down to kiss, and she was a little affectionate. It’s because she had a buzz on. But when she sobered up, she was still in the same mindset that she was when she let your match expire. That’s the way I look at this.

Is there something I did or didn’t do?

Well, I would say you did pretty good, but at the end of the day, what you didn’t do is you didn’t really pay attention to her low interest in you. And, you know, at the end of the day, we’ve all been there, we’ve all done this. But if we take a step back and we bottom line her actions, she just was like “eh.” When she’s sober she was like “Eh.”

Was she just looking for a hookup?

I don’t think so. It looked like she was just happy to get out of the house and do something randomly, because she probably liked the fact that you tracked her down, because that’s very confident. But at the end of the day, when she woke up the next day and she was sober, she thought about it and she still had the same vibe and energy towards you that she did when she let the match expire. So that’s all it is. There’s no reason to beat yourself up. It’s still a victory. You were still direct. You were decisive. You got to the point you made a date. You gave her the benefit of the doubt.

And is there a chance she might come back?

Flip a coin it could go either way. Just like I said in the beginning. It’s like something like this is a 50/50 shot. I mean, she went out with you, so she was potentially willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. But at the end of the day, despite the fact she seemed very frisky and affectionate and liked the kissy poo, once she sobered up the next day, she was just like, “Eh.”

So who knows, maybe in a couple of weeks or a month when she hasn’t heard from you at all, she thinks, “You know, maybe I was a little too harsh.” Or maybe she goes out on a date with a guy she really likes, and he’s just a total shitbird. And so she thinks, you know, “Whatever happened to Bob, he was really nice. Maybe I was a little too harsh. Maybe I should give him another shot.” And then she reaches out, and then you just set the next date.

So I’d say it’s a 50/50 chance she reaches out in the future. But the key takeaway from this is just to pay attention to her actions. But at the end of the day, you liked her. You gave it the college try. There was a 50/50 chance it was going to work out, but in this case it didn’t work out. But it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. Because you didn’t burn your bridge, you left the door open. If she changed her mind and you walked away.

It’s not that I want a relationship right away. It is not, however, common to have such a strong connection with someone.

I would appreciate your advice.

Kind regards,


Bob

It’s also possible she’s a total screwball. You just you don’t know. But if we bottom line her actions, she consistently had low interest towards you. And so that’s all. But dude, I think you did great. It’s a victory. At the end of the day, you got a date. You can cross her off your list.

You gave it a try instead of just wondering going, “What happened to that match?” I mean, when I was doing online dating, that was pretty common. Girls let the match expire just means they don’t give a shit. They’re not that into it. That’s okay. We’re looking for a “hell yeah! I’d love to go out with you.” You want enthusiasm.

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