Why some relationships you think will last don’t, and why some you don’t think will last do, and how understanding why people come and go in our lives can help you lose your attachments to them, so you can enjoy your experiences without unnecessary suffering when they end.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a forty-eight year old, female viewer who is heartbroken over being dumped by a man who made her feel more sexy and sexually fulfilled than any other man she has ever been with. She met him via online dating. His twenty-eight year marriage ended four years ago. The last fifteen years of the marriage had no sex at all, but he still remained faithful. He dated one woman before her, who was long distance, but she ended it. He says he really loved her, but she was unwilling to move. She met him several months after this previous relationship had ended.
Then a few months ago, after they had been dating for four months, this ex re-entered the picture, and he started talking with her again. That is when she noticed he was backing away. She has since told him she is not going to be an option for anyone, and to call her if he ever changes his mind. She asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Hi Coach Corey,
I’ve recently stumbled upon your video series on YouTube and found myself binging for the last 4 days. I purchased your book and have started to read it. First of all, thank you for all the hard work and passion you put into communicating to all of us your insights to relational dynamics; they are the best I’ve seen in many years. (Thank you for the compliment.)
I’m a 48-year female that recently met a man, 56, via Match.com. He sent me an email, we went out to a nice dinner date, we really liked one another’s company, and had been seeing each other exclusively almost every day for the last 4 months, until he decided he wanted a “break,” not knowing how he felt and what he wanted. (The reality is, when people break up like this, they usually know what they want; They know they don’t want to be in a relationship, so they lie.) He was in a 28-year marriage, and has been divorced for 4 years now. His wife cheated on him; he was denied sex and didn’t stray from the marriage for the last 15 years of it! He has only had two relationships since; me and this other girl. She lived long distance, so far that she broke it off with him because it just wasn’t working. He told me he really loved her, but she didn’t want to move away from her family/home. Several months went by, and then I entered into the picture. (He obviously wanted to keep the relationship going with this other girl, but she kicked him to the curb. And prior to that, he stayed in a sexless marriage for years hoping things would change. This tells you a little bit about his pattern. It sounds like he was starved for affection.)
We’ve had so much fun cooking, biking and taking trips to meet his family in Maine. It’s been a beautiful, loving, and sexy relationship, and I have loved every second of it! This is important too, because he has significant issues with erectile dysfunction, but makes up for it in other ways that women would flock to his door if they only knew his abilities! I am head over heels for this guy and he too was into me even saying he loved me on a few occasions. However, in August, he started to talk with this girl again, becoming more distant with me. (Rejection breeds obsession. He has a pattern of being hung up on and faithful to women who don’t care about him. You’re all over him, giving him what he wants, yet he’s still thinking about the woman who blew him off. He was probably emotionally conditioned in childhood to think and feel that was normal. It’s not your fault he is this way.)
In September, he decided to take a break with me. I was devastated because I fell in love with him. I cried for days, but then got myself together, and we ended up hooking up several times more. We have incredible sex. I have never in my life been pleasured more, felt more loved, or felt sexier than with him. I want him! (I’m sure you do. As I said before, rejection breeds obsession. Like attracts like, and if he’s got that pattern, there’s a good chance you have the same pattern of being drawn to people who just can’t give you what you want. Knowing yourself, knowing why you do what you do and why you feel the way you do can help you understand that, so you’re no longer hijacked or powerless over what’s happening to you.) Nevertheless, I let him know that despite my love for him, I wasn’t going to be an option. I wanted what I wanted. (You spoke your truth. Good for you. It takes a lot of guts to do that — a lot of “testicle fortitude,” as Richard Marcinko would say. He was the founder of Seal Team Six and has written some really great books like, “The Rogue Warrior: Red Cell” and “The Rogue Warrior’s Strategies For Success.” The guy’s a great leader, so I highly recommend those. If you go to my website and click the “Products” tab, I have a whole list of Amazon books and products that I recommend.) I told him to get a hold of me if he changed his mind, and I’d love to see him. He responded that he would come by to drop off my bike, as it’s stored at his place, and see me when I returned from a speaking engagement I have in New York. (As I discuss in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” since he pushed you away, he should be the one who does 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. Focus on the outcome you want, continue to date, and put yourself out there. If you stay focused on your desired outcome, eventually you will get what you want. As for this guy, if this woman has pushed him away once, there’s a good chance it will happen again. However, you can’t wait for that to happen. He’ll either come back when he gets rejected again, or you’ll find someone better. Either way, you’ll get the outcome you want.) I said great, see you then. Goodnight. I have not contacted him since, though it’s killing me. (Do not contact him. Scarcity creates value. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. He’s got to be the one to earn another shot at dating you.) What do divorced men ending long marriages think about relationships? How do I respond? Help! (He needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Let him make the effort. People buy based upon emotion. If you make it easy, he won’t value you very much. He’ll realize, unless he makes an effort, he’ll lose you forever. As far as the bike goes, let him bring it back to you. Make him come to you. You should definitely review the article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and get yourself back in the game. Stay focused on your vision and mission for your personal life.)
“Instead of focusing on the amount of time your relationships last, as a barometer of how “successful” they are, you should focus on being the best quality partner you can be and having high quality experiences together. The purpose of life is to enjoy it and to create great memories. Most people try to hold on to relationships that need to end or should have ended a long time ago. They stay too long, simply because they fear the unknown and worry about finding someone of equal or better quality, or they worry the next person will be worse. The only way the next relationship partner will be worse is if you settle. If you have high standards, then you understand the universal truth that it is simply a matter of time before the next great love of your life comes along, provided you don’t settle by giving up or becoming impatient.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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