Why standing up to women creates romantic attraction and causes them to like and respect you more.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email success story from a viewer who started dating a woman who later became his girlfriend about a year ago. After they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend several months later, he sensed a shift in her towards him. She became selfish, inflexible and demanding. They had several conversations where he tried to set and enforce healthy boundaries, but she continually violated them, and her attitude continued to become more belligerent and disrespectful.
Finally, he broke up with her and told her not to contact him for at least a month. When the month was over, she came back with a completely different attitude. It’s been six weeks, and things are going better than ever before. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What’s interesting is he goes into detail in the email that this was kind of the pattern with all of her previous relationships and guys she was involved with, where she just kind of ran over everybody and treated everybody like a doormat. And so, the month passed and obviously she got back in touch with him, and it’s just a completely different experience.
I know a lot of guys struggle with this, especially when they really like a girl. They’re afraid to upset her or to do something to make her mad, because she might push them away, or break it off, or not want to spend time with him. But you’ll see, obviously, in this case, when you do that, you’re just kind of creating a tyrant. Just like kids, when little kids try to see what they can get away with and the parents allow it, it’s like they create little monsters, and they just keep trying to violate the boundaries until you finally stand up to them.
And this particular woman, because of her beauty and her looks, most people never stood up to her. Therefore, she was always used to getting her way and abusing guys and walking all over them. Well, obviously, she finally met her match and a guy that is very familiar with How To Be A 3% Man. We’ll go through his email and see what he did to turn things around by simply standing up to her, calling her out and being unwilling to put up with it to the point where he literally walked away from her.
You don’t get what you deserve in life, only what you negotiate. All of life is a negotiation, whether you like it or not. You’re selling other people on why they should do what you want them to do, and they’re trying to sell you on why they shouldn’t and you should be doing something else instead.
I’ll try to keep this brief, but I wanted to share my success with you, as your insights helped me to see the importance of maintaining your strength, your center, and your boundaries when dealing with women. About a year ago (March 2020), I met this girl who I would later end up dating exclusively after several months of hooking up. We made things official in the fall of last year, and immediately I sensed a shift. Sex started to evaporate completely.
Well, that’s kind of a deal breaker. It’s like, why even be with somebody if they cut you off?
And she became increasingly less flexible with her time.
So, that shows a lack of respect and he became a low priority — obviously, because she was able to kind of walk all over him, which she was pretty much used to doing, which you’ll see in a second. That’s kind of been the way she’s operated with everybody. And the more beautiful the woman is, the less she’s been told “No.”
It was her way or the highway, and if I wasn’t agreeable to her demands, she would stir up drama and essentially throw a tantrum until she got her way.
That’s why my life is a drama free zone, my friend. It’s just, life is hard enough. Why do you want to put up with a chick who creates drama to get her way? I want peace in my life, and when you tolerate this, you invite more of it, unfortunately.
I’d heard about her relationship with her father and her previous boyfriends, and they all reeked of beta male behavior, constantly giving in to what she wanted, letting her pull their strings and generally never standing up for themselves.
Another thing I often see is, guys, because they hear me talk about women in relationships with their fathers and how important it is, if you’re going to date somebody long term and have an exclusive monogamous relationship, that they have a good, healthy relationship with their fathers. And a lot of guys think because she’s close to her father, but they ignore what the relationship is actually like, they ignore the fact that it’s unhealthy.
And so, obviously you see in this case, the father spoiled her and he lets her walk all over him and manipulate him. That’s what she’s used to and that’s what she expects. And so, she goes out into society and runs into, intends to seek out, the same kind of beta males that she can just totally dominate, and then she doesn’t respect them, loses attraction, and obviously, things eventually don’t work out.
So, just because she has a ‘good’ relationship with her father doesn’t mean she has a ‘healthy’ relationship with her father, and that’s a big difference. And having a father that’s just compliant and has basically created a little tyrant in his daughter, that’s not healthy. That’s dysfunctional and that’s messed up.
She was used to getting everything she wanted, when she wanted it, from all of the men in her life. And when she didn’t, she would cause problems.
That’s why, especially with a woman like this, you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries, and even then, it may not be enough — which you’ll see in a second. He tried that.
Little did I know, I was falling into the same trap. I consider myself a pretty confident and masculine guy, but she was tricky. It was subtle, but I got the sense that every time I “gave in to her” and didn’t stand my ground, she would lose a bit of respect for me.
Yeah, she’s really looking for a man to be a man with her. And I tell her no and put her in her place and not tolerate it. And even if she threatened to leave or never speak to him again, he’s like, “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass and way out. I’ll miss you, but I’ll find somebody else.”
It got to the point where she would refuse to even come over to my apartment, even after I wrecked my car and had no means of transportation.
Obviously, she really cared.
She still expected me to show up at her place. Completely inflexible. A one-way relationship.
Yeah, you just can’t agree to that kind of stuff. Drama free zone, my man. You’ve got to set and enforce those healthy boundaries. Otherwise, it doesn’t stop, because she’s looking like, where are the guardrails? What are the boundaries? What are the real boundaries? What can she really get away with? Because guys will try to stand up to her, and she knows that she can just come at them from a different angle and eventually they’ll cave.
I realized that the more I put in, the less she respected me and the less she appreciated me.
The greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time. And when somebody is not valuing it, you give them the gift of missing you, because they haven’t earned more of your time. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. Why would you want to spend time with somebody who behaves this way? Obviously, it went on for a long time until he reached his breaking point.
Finally, after many conversations stating my expectations and how she needed to put in more effort, I saw no improvement, so I ended things.
So, he set healthy boundaries and she just blew right by all of them, because quite frankly, that’s what she’s always experienced. Daddy always caves. Every boyfriend she had before him always caved eventually. All she had to do is win through intimidation.
She was shocked and upset, but I told her we needed to take some time apart.
The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. He tried a bunch of times, and she just was not having it. And so, finally, if she doesn’t respect your conversations and your communication and she constantly blows up at you and acts like a tyrant, well, you need to show her the door so she can go on down the road.
Fast-forward 4 or 5 weeks, and she reached out, (I had basically told her to leave me alone for at least a month), and she wanted to start fresh.
Isn’t that interesting? The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. He basically said, “I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to hear from you, I don’t want you texting me. We need time apart. Leave me alone,” basically. Probably the first time in her life that’s ever happened to her.
And obviously, since he didn’t call or text, unlike probably every other guy that has said something similar to her and then caved, the radio silence was deafening. She recognized that she really screwed up, because no guy had ever put her in her place, which she desperately needed it. And internally, she was craving for the right guy to come along and do that.
Skeptical as I was, she was genuine in apologizing for the mistakes she made and how she had taken things for granted.
Well, talk is cheap. That’s why we always look at what people do, not what they say.
I offered her the chance to begin again slowly, as a casual relationship with no strings attached.
Good job, dude.
And wouldn’t you know it, but everything that I had expected from her in the relationship is finally starting to show up: she comes over to my place 75% of the time, does not expect me to treat her with lavish things, and goes out of her way (the extra mile, and then some) to please me in the bedroom.
Imagine that, complete attitude adjustment.
We’ve been at this following the formula of Hang out, Have Fun, Hook up for about 6 weeks or so now, and it’s been brilliant and refreshing, the kind of relationship I had hoped for from the beginning. No drama.
She almost always brings over some sort of baked goods…
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, just as long as you don’t get Dunlop’s Disease from from this. And you say, “Well, what’s Dunlop disease?” Well, my belly dun lopped over my belt. So, don’t get Dunlop’s disease.
…or makes me dinner, and talks about how she never has really respected a guy like she has me before.
Hmm, interesting. Because you’re the only dude that’s ever stood up to her, unfortunately, including her father.
That’s when the lightbulb went off… and I realized that my willingness to walk away and not put up with her terrible effort and attitude is the exact thing that reignited her attraction for me.
Well, when she was sitting at home all by herself and this guy that she thought was wrapped around her finger, it turns out she had no idea what he was doing, she didn’t like that world. She didn’t like living in that world — the world that she created through her constant violation of the drama free zone rule of the 3% club.
She had never experienced a man who had boundaries like I did and stuck to them.
That’s the difference. You set healthy boundaries and you actually enforced them, whereas, up until that point, nobody else has.
As a result, she has respected me tenfold since then. It’s amazing what can happen when you show some spine and self-respect. It’s a rare thing for men these days, but it shouldn’t be.
Well, what do you see on TV? The guy’s always caving and he’s always complying because he doesn’t want the woman to get upset and cut him off from access to the box, which obviously he got cut off a long time ago. And so, he just said, “How are you adding value to my life? You have a crappy attitude, and you’re not sweet and we’re not making love anymore. It’s like, what’s the point? Why do I even need you in my life? What are you contributing to the relationship?” Obviously, it wasn’t very much.
Thanks for all of your advice and insight. Each new video and each new read through of the book reveals more truths of the universe!
If you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” or “Mastering Yourself,” my second book, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com and just subscribe to the email newsletter. And if you’d like to get my help personally, maybe you’re having a professional or personal challenge that you could use some insight with or some help with or some strategy, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab the top of your screen, and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“When it comes to all types of relationships, setting and enforcing healthy boundaries is essential to maintaining mutual respect and admiration. If you allow people to treat you like a doormat without standing up for yourself, you invite more of this disrespectful behavior from people who are already abusing you and those who witness your abuse. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and therefore, sometimes you have to walk away from people and circumstances that steal your peace and no longer serve you. The wrong people whose goals and values are not aligned with your own will let you go, and those who took you for granted will be remorseful, apologize and treat you like you deserve to be treated. You don’t get what you deserve in life, only what you negotiate.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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