Stress Testing Your Woman For Loyalty

The importance of vetting your woman for loyalty before bigger commitments.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for eight years. He’s been with his girlfriend for six years and living together for five. He’s about to finish up medical school and doesn’t have a lot of extra money right now. He wonders if stress testing his girlfriend by slacking off and neglecting the courtship is a good idea to stress test her for loyalty before marriage.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, you may have heard the term that kind of got popularized back during 2008, 2009, when they were having all the problems with the banking and the finance system and the implosion of all the loans from the previous years. They called it “stress testing” the banks. In other words, to see what what kind of reserves they had and did they have enough to weather the downturn in the economy.

So this particular viewer says he’s been following my work for eight years. He’s been with his girlfriend for six and they’ve lived together for five, and he’s about to finish up medical school and doesn’t have a lot of extra money right now. So he wonders, because obviously the next step for him where they’re at is getting married, starting a family, that kind of thing. So he’s saying, “Well, since I’m pretty broke right now trying to finish school the next two years, things are good with my girl, but what if I just stopped courting her on purpose and became basically a crappy boyfriend to see how she handles it? Will she start giving out her number at other dudes?” In other words, if he slacks off and gets lazy, complacent, thinking about in a few years when he’s real busy in his medical practice is doing well, he’s working lots of hours and he starts to neglect her and the kids, how is she going to react? So it’s an interesting hypothesis, but he’s basically saying, “Hey, what do you think about me trying to wreck my relationship just to see if she’ll stick around?”

So typically, what I’ve seen over the last 20 years of doing this, because guys are coming to me because they got problems or wife doesn’t want to sleep with them, their girlfriend doesn’t want to sleep with them anymore, they want a divorce, they want to separate, they want to break up, they want space, whatever happens to be, what you always see is the guy stopped dating and courting her, and he didn’t make her feel heard and understood. So that’s what lot of guys’ situations, they did those things usually because they didn’t realize it. One of the biggest complaint women have about men is that they’re romantic at first, and then after some point in the courtship, they decide that it’s no longer necessary. Then they stop dating and courting her. Women want to be in a love story.

So what I’ve seen in these cases, even guys that have been with their wives 20, 30 or more years, they go through a difficult time, maybe they have some big challenge in their business, or the stock market goes the other way and they get crushed, maybe they got some kind of major health challenge, and they’ve always been fit and in shape, what I’ve seen is they usually get about six to 12 months to get their life in order, especially if they’re the leader, if they’re the alpha in the family, and they decide that they’re depressed or they’re going through a hard time, or they think, “Hey, you know what? My wife has always leaned on me. Now our kids are grown up. They’re successful. They did well in college. They got families of their own. I’m going through a tough time, so now I can lean on her.” What they find out is when they flail around and they don’t really do anything to help themselves, they get about six to 12 months max before the woman starts giving up on the guy, thinking that this is just the new state of being and it’s always going to be this way.

So like I said, you get six to 12 months to flail around, deal with your depression, your health challenge or whatever, and if you don’t pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get back into the fight, then your woman’s going to leave you, lose attraction, or not want to sleep with you, and if she’s a person of low character, she’ll start looking around for your replacement.

So with that in mind, let’s go through this guy’s email, because I would not recommend doing what he’s contemplating. It’s interesting to contemplate about it, but it’s kind of like going to Michael Jordan or somebody like that and saying, “Hey, I want you to miss 50 free throws in a row.” Have you ever watched players like that when they actually try to miss on purpose? They keep making the basket because it’s so hard. There’s so much muscle memory and it’s difficult for them to do. I wouldn’t recommend doing things to sabotage your relationship just to see if she’ll stick around, because why ruin a good thing? Why put yourself in a position where you’re you’re dealing with school, you’re almost done, and you’re going to try to stress your girl out just to see how she reacts? It’s not clear thinking.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach Wayne,

I’ve been following you for around eight years, and I would like to thank you for sharing all that valuable information with anyone willing to make changes to improve their life. Sorry in advance for possible grammatical errors. English is just one of the four languages I speak. 

Background: I moved to another country to study in a medicine university. I’ve been in a relationship for six years. Two years after I started practicing your teachings and other sources like Red Pill, to see what actually works and what’s bullshit, surprise! Your info works best.

What do I say all the time? Even if you think I’m totally full of shit, if you apply what’s in my book, which is free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the free email newsletter. You will get better results than you’re getting. That’s why I after all these years, I continue to let people to read my books for free and learn the best of my information, to learn the cheat codes to life and your personal and your professional life from me. Then once you see how well it works, then you can go buy an audio-book or a digital or a paperback or a hardcover version of it, sign up for our Members Only, that kind of thing.

I still, after all these years of doing this, 20 plus years of doing this, that nobody else is willing to do that with their books, and that should tell you something. Who really believes in what they’re teaching? Who lets you try before you buy? And who’s making you jump through a bunch of hoops, paywalls, and expensive programs just to get access to the stuff that I basically give away for free?

Maintaining positive mindset about life and women, longevity (relationships), and efficiency (Methods to vet/approach), which can be applied to so many other aspects of life in general as well.

Yeah, one of the things I talk about in 3% Man is not only will this stuff be great in your personal relationships, but it’ll help you in your career, it’ll help you in negotiation. It’ll help you in business in all aspects of life, because 3% Man is really about being a man. Not just having a great relationship with your girl or dating, meeting and dating the kind of women you want. It’s becoming the kind of man you need to become in order to attract and keep the women that you want.

Today, I’ve been with the same girl for six years, and we’ve been living together for five. During this period, I’ve deviated many times from the guidance in your books, but I’ve always managed to get back on track, sometimes willingly or unintentionally, just to test your principles or because I was focused on my studies.

So he’s already gotten lazy and complacent and got away from the book, but he’s been able to course correct. That’s the important thing, because every guy is gonna slip up, every guy is going to get lazy, is going to get complacent. Like in his case, going to medical school, doing your residency. It’s a lot of fucking work. You don’t really have much of a life when you do that, and living with your girl can really help spend what little free time you have together and keep your courtship going. If you don’t have a lot of money, you can go on a picnic, you can go to the beach, you can go to the lake, you can go for a long walk. You can do cheap things in the States. There’s always historical things that are in every city. Google Maps is your friend. If you’re looking for something to do, or come up with an idea to take your girl someplace that she would never expect, just go to Google Maps.

I remember when I was living downtown, my dad came to visit me and he was like, “What’s there to do around here?” So I went to Google and there was like a little museum right around the corner that like had a lot of history and stuff about Orlando, and I’d walked by this place countless times and it was like $10 admission for each, $10 each to get in there. It was just really interesting. It was really neat. They had a tour guide. It was put on by the city, so the costs were real cheap, and it was fun to hang out with my dad there. It would also be a great place to take a girl, and you take her in there and it’s like she will have never seen something like that or been there. That’s what makes it fun and interesting because you get to explore it together. Plus, you’re walking side-by-side, gives you the ability to interact physically with one another.

So there’s all kinds of stuff like that all over the States. I imagine, around the world as well. Google Maps is your friend. You don’t have to spend a ton of money. The idea is you want to spend quality time together and come up with something fun to do. Maybe just getting a really big puzzle, a jigsaw puzzle, a bottle of wine and maybe make some food, put some music on and you and your girl can work on the puzzle together, or a board game. It doesn’t have to be expensive. The important thing is that you’re spending quality time together doing something, not just sitting there watching TV, not Netflix and chill like all the time. Like I said, there’s lots of inexpensive things to do if you’re pressed for cash. A picnic is always great. “Hey, boo boo, let’s get some Bud Lights and a picnic basket. Here we go.” Yogi Bear, the old cartoon…

So back to our email.

Recently, as I approach graduation as an MD, I’ve had less and less time (and money) for courtship. I can hear you in my head every time: “Courtship never ends.”

Well, if you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife, eventually somebody else will. The most recent famous example we got is Tom Brady and Gisele. He didn’t date and court his wife properly as she said he wasn’t present. The jiu-jitsu guy, he was present. He listened to her. She probably bitched and complained, “Tom’s never around. He’s always on the road. He makes me feel like he doesn’t care.” Just imagine the things she was bitching and complaining about. He was like, “Oh OK, well let’s roll on the mats, work them frustrations out.” Next thing you know, little boner pops up and whoop! Now your wife is fucking the jiu-jitsu guy. Then she runs off, rides off into the sunset with him, and has his baby and gets married.

So it can happen. Again, you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife. Eventually she’s gonna tap out. Now, depending on her character is going to determine how messy it is. Well obviously, we saw that Gisele did not have the highest character because she cheated on him. You could say, “Well, she was unhappy for a long time, and she complained and complained, and he kept promising to rectify it, and he never would. His words and his actions did not match.” So she cheated on him. Instead of leaving, going through the divorce, she did it in a very public way to humiliate him right at the very end of his career. Even though she signed up and made the commitment to stick around and stick with him until he was 45, because he had always said he wanted to play until he’s 45.

You can say, “Well, he deserved it. He neglected her, so that’s why she didn’t stick around,” but it’s like, what kind of example do you think that sets for the kids? All three of their kids know that she cheated on dad in a very public way and went out of her way to humiliate him, which was very selfish. At some point, she should be apologizing to Tom and her children for what a shitty example she set, in my humble opinion.

My question might be unusual:

I am aware of the risks, and even though I love my girl, I keep wondering, isn’t it a good way to test her behavior? Will she cheat? Will she seek male attention in unacceptable ways? Or will she remain loyal physically and emotionally, even if I neglect courtship for extended limited time?

Well, the reality, dude, is you already have the answer to this question because as you said, you have neglected her over the past six years at different times when you’ve been together because of money or you’re busy with school. If you haven’t noticed her giving out her phone number, meeting dudes for drinks, or hanging out with her boss late at night one-on-one, she hasn’t done all that stuff in six years when you’ve slacked off because again, you were in the Red Pill. So I’m sure there were times you were being an absolute dick to her because you’re thinking you got to behave like Andrew Tate, how he basically treats his webcam girls. Despite all that, she’s stuck with you. So you would have noticed by now if she was a person of low character, because if as soon as you slacked off and you weren’t really paying attention, she’d have been giving out her number, she’d have been texting, WhatsApping and Snapchatting with other random dudes. Character is destiny. If your girl was a ratchet, you would have known by now.

So it sounds like you’re saying is, “Let me really fuck up my relationship and see how bad I can fuck it up and see if she’ll stick around.” It’s like, why? Maybe deep down you’re trying to sabotage it. Maybe on some level you don’t really want to be with her long-term. Or maybe you’re just like one of my friends that used to work in a defense industry. When did he die? About 12, 14 years ago, I think it was. Really great guy. This was my my buddy of mine. He was kind of a nerdy guy. Not a really good looking dude, but he was just a cool guy, really interesting, and he was a scientist.

So he was sitting in a bar one day feeling kind of lonely. This is a guy that built weapons for our country, some very famous weapons that we still use to this day. They’ve been improved tremendously since he was doing it, and he’s like, “You know, I need more data for my analysis.” So he’s in this bar. He looks around, there’s lots of women there, and he thought, “Well, it’s just got to be a numbers game. How many women do I have to ask out before one says yes?” So his big pickup line was he’d go up to each girl. He would go, “Hi, would you like to have a date with me?” “No, thank you.” He’d go to the next one. “Hi, would you like to have a date with me?” “No, thank you.” He went up to every girl in the whole place and the very last girl he went to, because the women are kind of watching him, he’s going up and talking to everybody, and he goes up to her and he goes, “Hi, would you like to have a date with me?” And she says, “Yeah, I’d like to have a date with you.” So they went out, and that was how an engineer who’s a numbers guy was like, “I need data for my analysis. Let’s see what happens.”

So when I read this, this is kind of what it reminds me of. “Hey Corey, how badly can I fuck my relationship up to see what my girl is willing to put up with before she wants to tap out?” I would not recommend taking it to that extreme, but again, you’ve already got complacent, you’ve already course corrected, you went through your Red Pill phase and you always came back to my work in the fundamentals. Here you are, six years later, things are going well. Quite frankly, you’ve already stress tested it, because if she was a ratchet, a liar, and a cheater, you would have found out by now, because I imagine over the course of six years, there were lots of times you got complacent and lazy.

Again, why do that? You’re going to do that naturally, and you already have done that naturally just because you got complacent. So far, every time you did it, she stuck around and she stuck by you. That should tell you something. Character is destiny. If you judge her by her actions, well she’s always been loyal as far as you know and as you shared in the email. So there shouldn’t be any reason to doubt her by this point unless you’re trying to do something to sabotage it because it’s going so well.

I understand the risks, and I’m ready to face whatever reality might emerge from these actions.

Yeah, I don’t think you are. That sounds nice intellectually, but it’s easy to say that when she’s with you and she loves you, but to totally wreck your relationship and then go, “You know, honey, I did this on purpose. I ruined our relationship just because I wanted to see if you would stick around. Just because I wanted to see if you would cheat on me.” Maybe she left you because you neglected her for so long. She didn’t cheat, but she just left you. Then you go groveling back, going, “Huh? Well, I was all an act. I was just fucking with you to see if you’d stick around.” By that point, she might be totally turned off and repulsed at what you did, and she’d be like, “You know what? Fuck you. I’m gonna go find somebody else.” Why do that, dude?

Is this stress test could be useful, perhaps the last “vetting” before marriage? Or am I just being an idiot and should get back on track ASAP?

Wishing you the best,

Bob

Well, it sounds like you’re already kind of off track, especially with your thinking and your mindset. So I would say it’s kind of idiot thinking because again, you got six years of history and there’s been multiple times where you’ve gone off the rails, you’ve gone off the path that was illuminated for you, and to your knowledge, as far as you know, she never strayed. So you already kind of have the answer.

So I look at this as the only thing that really looks like you’re doing is potentially trying to sabotage your relationship on purpose. Then the question becomes, “Well, why would you do that? Are you just not happy? Are you trying to get rid of her because things are so good? Did you grow up in a chaotic environment where everything was always a mess, and things are so good and so easygoing, easy to get along with this girl? It doesn’t seem natural or normal for it to be this easy,” because that’s what you see. People that grow up in chaotic environments seek chaotic environments. So when they date somebody where things are easy and effortless, it doesn’t compute to them. It doesn’t make sense. They’ll sabotage it on purpose because they expect the chaos. When they don’t get it, they create it. So if it was me, that would be something that I would be contemplating on. Why is it that you’re trying to push your girl to the point where she leaves you or wants to date somebody else? It’s like, why?

It’s like you’re trying to become like Tom Brady on purpose. Quite frankly, I mean, she put up with this shit for a long time. She put up with being neglected for a long time. So you could say, “Well, she gave him a lot of years.” She kept telling him, but at the end of the day, she made a commitment and she could have held out for another couple years until he finished, but she didn’t do that. It’s water under the bridge. Character is destiny. Was just a shitty thing to do. She’s got to explain herself to her children. Someday they’re going to be old enough and they’ll be like, “Mom, why did you fuck around on dad like that? Why did you embarrass them publicly in such a nasty way? After he’d given you two kids, a great life and a great stepson? Like why would you do that? What were you thinking?” I imagine at some point, her kids are going to probably when they grow up, gonna probably want to have that kind of a conversation. Maybe not, but that would make sense to me because I’d want to know if that was my parents or that was my mom. That’s something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.