Struggling With Rejection & A Dating Dry Spell

Some things to consider if you’re struggling with rejection & a dating dry spell.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is struggling with rejection. He’s 25 and read 3% Man five times so far. He’s frustrated that his cold approach attempts have not led to any successes.

He asks how to remain unattached and outcome independent because he’s having a hard time dealing with rejection. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this guy is 25, he’s read 3% Man five times so far, and he’s having a hard time dealing with rejection. I don’t know if it was that he’s talking about in the past, like when he was in college, he was doing this or if he’s in college now because he’s 25. So you would think unless he’s going for a PhD, that he’s finished with college or he’s becoming a doctor or something. So he’s 25, he’s read 3% Man five times, and he does a lot of cold approaches. Even some of these women that he’s talked to, he has friends or acquaintances that have dated these women, and he says he’s just constantly getting rejected and he’s having a hard time dealing with that. It’s demotivating him because he’s like, “I’ve done all these cold approaches and they’ve gone nowhere.”

So the thing you got to understand, if you’re just doing random cold approaches, you’re mostly going to get rejected. Ideally, if you’re going to cold approach, you’re going to get a much better experience, and you’re going to get a higher close ratio. If the women at least make eye contact and smile at you, which is not going to happen most of the time, but you got to practice it. You got to be a social person. You got to get out there and interact with other human beings. The best way to meet women as is, instead of just doing random cold approaches on the street or at college, you got to think of yourself as like a fisherman. So you want to go where there’s lots of fish. Especially as a man, anytime you can put yourself in a situation where you’re outnumbered by women, if you’re like the only dude there and there’s 10 other women, you become instantly more attractive just because you’re outnumbered, and especially as other women there start talking to you, a prime example is like going to a yoga class or a Pilates class, something like that. It’s going to be mostly girls in something like that. So you can try different yoga studios. You can try going to different Pilates classes in like different times, different days, and see what the crowd is like there.

Again, anytime you go to something like that, it’s going to be mostly women that are there. While you’re in class, you can be talking to each other. It’s a great way to put yourself in a situation where you’re outnumbered and you can tease, you can banter and you can be playful. So that’s one way you can go about it, but the most important thing is that you want to lose yourself in your hobbies, your interests and the things that you love doing for fun because again, we’re thinking about fishing. If you’re looking to catch a certain type of fish, well those fish are not all going to be in the same place that you want. Some fish are deep water, some fish you have to go a couple miles offshore to catch some of them. You’re going to catch in relatively shallow waters where there’s a reef.

So again, you got to think about the type of women that you’re looking to date. Where are they going to be? What are they doing for fun? Because when you’re doing things that you love and enjoy, even if it’s just like, say you’re in a car and you go to a car show or there’s all kinds of exotic cars and people have put a lot of money into the cars, or they race them, that kind of thing, and you’re into it, if you like cars and you go to an event like that and the girls that are there probably are going to be there because their dad was into cars, their brothers or they grew up around men that were working on vehicles, and they got into them as well.

It’s like if you go to a sporting event, like anytime you go to a football game, a hockey game or a basketball game, there’s always lots of really beautiful women there. Some women really like sports, and if you’re into sports, instead of trying to randomly bump into women on college campus or on the streets and hope that they’re into sports, like you are into cars, like you are into rock climbing, go lose yourself in those hobbies and interests. Go where people that love cars are hanging out. If you love hunting and fishing, go hang out in a hunting and fishing club. If you love golfing, go join a country club. If you love boating, join a yacht club. In other words, put yourself where the kinds of people that you like hanging out with and have similar values, similar interests are going to be hanging out because you’re much more likely to meet them there versus randomly bumping into them in the grocery store.

So if you’re into physical fitness and taking care of your body, obviously you’re going to work out a lot. So going to things like yoga or Pilates where there are mostly women going to those types of classes. You’ll meet women that you wouldn’t normally meet, and they’re focused on taking care of their bodies and eating right. So when you start talking about fitness and health, you’ll find that you have similar experiences and it’s much easier to talk to a woman that is into those things, into the same things you are because you have similar interests. People that like the same things tend to like each other. So that’s what you need to do if you want to have a better experience doing cold approaches.

If you love art fairs, like just recently, every once a quarter they shut the street down and they have a bunch of artists from all over the country come and they sell their paintings, their sculptures, all their art and different things that they make, and it’s really cool. So if you’re into those things, go to an art fair, because you’ll see lots of people there that love art. You’ll have female artists, some of them are pretty hot, and you’ll have other artists that are dudes, and they’ll come up with the craziest, coolest things you’ve ever seen in your life. It’s amazing some of the things that people come up with in art.

So if you’re an art fan and you see a really cute girl who’s a painter and you like to paint and you’re into it, it’s very easy to talk to her and get her to open up. Ask her about her art. What was the inspiration? What caused her to paint that? How did she get into it? Of course, she’s trying to sell her art, she’s excited about it, she’s passionate about it, and she’s going to really like talking to you because you’re also passionate about art and you seemingly have an interest in her art. So you’re going to have a much better conversation with somebody like that versus a random girl that you saw in the street that you hoped would have similar interests.

So again, it’s back to the the fisherman type of analogy. You need to go where the fish are, the kind of fish that you’d like to catch. Where are they hanging out? So like what I wrote about in my book is that me personally, I’ve never had one long-term relationship that came from somebody I met on a dating website. It’s usually I was involved in some kind of activity, I was out with friends and other groups of friends get-together, and then the girl happens to know somebody that I know. Then we meet, we talk and we find out we have all these things in common, we all know lots of the same people and it makes it easy.

Like back when I was in real estate, there was constantly social things going on. We had builders that we sold houses for. What would happen when they had a new community open up is that they would have like a party for the new community. In other words, they sometimes have a band, they’d have food there, they’d have like three or four model homes that are completed. So you go through and tour the model homes and check them out, because the whole idea is they have food, wine, a band and stuff there. So they bring realtors, title agents, mortgage brokers, people in our industry to come and check out their properties and hopefully bring their buyers there or their clients to come and buy their homes. Then after those events would end, we’d all go to happy hour somewhere. Sometimes we’d break off and all go have sushi or something together, and it makes it really easy to meet other people that are like minded. Just that particular industry was very social.

So there was always something going on. There would be a mortgage trade show or there might be something in real estate. So anytime you go there, you’d see a bunch of people you knew, and of course, everybody’s having a good time. Then after the event’s over, then you’re going out and you’re doing things, and it just makes it really easy to meet like-minded people that are in the industry versus hoping to find somebody on a dating app or just randomly cold approaching women on a random street.

So you got to think about it, again, as a fisherman, there’s certain types of bait that attract certain kind of fish, the kind of bait they use to catch like a tuna or a pompano. Maybe you’re trying to catch squid. It’s like completely different types of bait, different waters, different area. So you need to think of that way when you’re trying to put yourself in situations where you’re outnumbered by women, and it makes it easy because if you’re the only dude there and there’s more women than guys, well you’re going to end up having conversations with multiple women. Then the women will be competing for your attention. It makes it really easy. So if you do those things versus like what this guy’s been doing, is just randomly approaching women on a college campus, you’re going to have better results if you’re fishing in waters that have lots of fish or lots of the kinds of fish that you want to catch.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m 25 and have read your book about five times. I feel solid on the fundamentals and understand the mechanics intellectually, but I’m still struggling with internalizing rejection. I’m fit, confident talking to people, and socially comfortable. I also get matches on dating apps without paying, so I don’t think looks are the issue. Yet, when it comes to meeting women in person, I haven’t had much success with mutual interest.

I went to a small college with fewer than 2,000 students, and I regularly approached women who I found attractive in everyday settings like the dining hall or around campus. Most of the time they either weren’t interested or were already taken. I understand and accept your point that most women you meet won’t be into you but where I’m getting stuck is how to not take that personally when the pattern repeats and results haven’t shown up yet.

Well, another thing you got to understand is you’re a young guy, so failure is a necessary part of life. Failure is impossible to avoid. It’s a prerequisite to get from where you are to where you want to be. So if you want to go through life and have less frustration, you got to understand that failure is a part of life. I mean, look at how Elon Musk approaches failure with the space rockets. He gets excited when one of them blows up because of all the things they’re going to learn about it. I was talking about this in another video recently. One of their recent launches of the Starship, they removed lots of things that protect the heat tiles and things, because they wanted to purposely create conditions like, what if these heat tiles fell off in flight? Would the ship still be able to return back to Earth or not? So the only way to know is to test.

So like in this case, you’re approaching random women like a shotgun approach. If you’re really into exercise and physical physical fitness and you’re approaching every random cute girl on campus that you find attractive, well the reality is majority of those women are probably not even going to be into physical fitness or exercising or discipline enough to take care of their body. So if you want a girlfriend that’s into those things and you’re randomly approaching women on the street, you’re going to have a much higher incidence of the fact that they’re not into physical fitness at all, versus meeting women at a Pilates class, yoga, at the gym or something like that. So you got to think of it from that perspective.

So the way you’re going about it, just randomly approaching women on campus is going to have a low incidence rate. Now, if you’re in a fraternity and you get together with the sister sorority of that fraternity, well you’re going to typically have people in common that they know or that you know, I should say. So like, when you’re hanging out and you’re partying together, you have similar goals, similar interests, it’s like I was talking about earlier with like the art fair. It’s much easier to talk to people that are doing the same things that you like to do. So if the fraternity is having a party, then you’re going to get together and have a good time with them as well. You have similar things in common. You’re going to know similar people in the fraternity and those kinds of things, or the sorority or whatever.

So again, you’re fishing in a pond of a high incidence of the type of fish that you’re looking for are going to be. So you got to think about things from that perspective. So that’s really important.

I’m not necessarily looking for a serious relationship right now, I’m more focused on gaining experience. What throws me off is when I’m interested in a woman, or when I hear about a woman who’s been involved with guys I know, and then when I introduce myself she doesn’t reciprocate interest or chooses someone else. In those moments, it’s hard not to feel like I’m missing something fundamental.

Well, attraction is not a choice. They’re either into you or they’re not. They either like you enough or they don’t. It’s like what I was talking about earlier. You’re interacting with a lot of women that have low to no interest in you. So that can be very frustrating. That’s why I say you got to change where you’re fishing at. It might be the way you’re showing up. Maybe you’re displaying a lot of unattractive behavior. Maybe you’re coming off as kind of weird and awkward when you’re interacting with these girls. If they’re not reciprocating interest, well then they’re not interested because attraction is not a choice. So it’s not a matter of you making them like you. They already like you.

My question is, how do you truly internalize rejection and stay outcome-independent when you’re consistently putting yourself out there but not seeing success yet? At what point is it simply numbers and patience, and at what point should a guy reassess what he’s doing differently?

Bob

Well, like I said, as I’ve talked about throughout this whole video, you should change where you’re hanging out and where you’re trying to meet women. You shouldn’t be going out with the attitude of, “Hey, I’m going out to meet women.” You should be going out with the attitude of, “Going out to have a good time, and if I meet some ladies while I’m there, even better.” That’s the icing on the cake. That’s the cherry on top of the hot fudge sundae.

So if you’re approaching women at campus, you’re a college student and you’re not getting much success, again you’re doing the shotgun approach and you’re going to be talking to a lot of women that aren’t single. Again, back to the fraternity/sorority analogy. Typically, if you’re hanging out, your partying and the girls are by themselves, then that usually means that they’re single. So you’re going to have a much higher incidence of girls that are single and ready to mingle at a fraternity party versus just randomly bumping into somebody on campus that you like. So you got to think about those things and how you go about it. So I would just change your approach and start going different places and fishing in different places. You’ll get better results than you’re getting now.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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