Stuck In Friend Zone With My Ex

How to get out of friend zone if your ex refuses to see you romantically.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about 3 years. He’s 26 and in the last year of medical school. He got dumped by his ex-girlfriend about 6 months ago. He begged and pleaded with her to no avail. He told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. She has continued to contact him and he sets dates, but when she comes over she won’t let him kiss her or advance things physically. She then reiterates that she only wants to be friends. He asks how to get out of friend zone. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Stuck In Friend Zone With My Ex.”

Well, this particular Members Only Video Newsletter, this guy he’s 26. He’s in his last year of Medical School. Which I’m sure that’s got to feel good. But he got dumped by his ex-girlfriend about six months ago. He says he begged and he pleaded initially, but it got him nowhere. He told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. Well, she continues to get in touch. He sets dates, then she comes over. He goes to kiss. He doesn’t get any kissy poo. He gets the cheek. And then he gets a fucking lecture.

He gets a lecture from her about why they’re better off as friends. And he’s like, I told you, “I’m only interested in romance.” She’s like, “yeah, but I missed you.” And so, part of the problem is that this guy’s backing off goes no contact, and she reaches out, and then he’s the one trying to set the dates. Because the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And so that means that you don’t interact with a woman if she’s using the F word, meaning “Friendzone” or “Friends” to refer to you.

Or saying, “we’re better off as friends”, when you want sex and romance. And so therefore you don’t agree to hang out with her. And if every time you make dates. And then at some point later in the evening, you try to make a move romantically. And if he’s done this several times and he gets rejected each time, that also tells me he probably doesn’t know The Book very well.

Because he says he’s read The Book 13 times. Well, if he’s read The Book 13 times, but he keeps making dates with this girl and then trying to kiss her and she doesn’t kiss him, well, that tells me that he’s trying to advance things physically when the signs are not there. So that tells me he doesn’t have the sensory acuity and the self-awareness to notice that she’s not ready to be touched, kissed, or seduced. And yet he’s trying anyway and getting rejected. And yet he keeps setting dates.

So this woman is doing all the pursuing. She is doing all the reaching out. But what’s happening as I talk about in my Book and I also talk about in the article and Video, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is like, this is exactly the situation that happened with my girlfriend who had the young daughter when we were dating. Is that it got to, you know, I was still trying to figure out the balance between pursuing too much and not pursuing enough. And so even though I had backed off, she was still doing 100% of the pursuing.

But then when I would try to set dates with her, “oh, I’m busy, I can’t. I got this going on.” And so but she still kept calling. And the reason that she kept calling was she liked the attention of validation. Plus she was stirring the pot to make sure I was still on the hook and still interested romantically. But I was a backup. Because she was still going out on dates with other guys. It’s just that whenever, even though she’s reaching out to me, and, “Oh, I was just calling to see how you were.”

I was like, “well, let’s get together.” “Oh, well, my schedule is real crazy. Work is crazy. But how are you and all?” She really wanted to know that I was still into. Or I was still interested because she had other guys that, quite frankly, at the time were acting more masculine than I was, and they were acting more attractive. And so what I finally realized was that even though she’s doing 100% of the pursuing, she’s reaching out, she won’t set any dates.

And so what I did was I just stopped asking her. I wouldn’t ask her out on a date unless she brought it up first. And so once I did that, she kept reaching out. We would talk for a few minutes, you know, she’d call me on the phone, she’d call me at the office, she called my cell phone or whatever, like, “hey, how are you? How’ve you been?” Blah. Blah. Blah. I talk for two, three minutes and I go, “hey, it was great hearing from you. I got to run. Talk to you later. Hey, I gotta, I gotta run. Keep in touch.” I remember one time she’s like, “keep in touch?” I was like, “yeah, keep in touch.”

She was like, “okay.” I was like, “oh, I gotta, I’ll talk to you later. I’m about to step into a meeting.” She’s like, by now I can tell she’s a little disappointed, but yet she kept reaching out. And so what I did was I stopped asking her out and it was about two weeks. She continued to call me for about two, two and a half weeks, and I never mentioned anything. And I remember one time she called and my receptionist was like, “hey, so and so is on the phone.”

And I was like, “all right, put her through.” I was like, “hey, how you been?” “I was calling to see how you were.” Like, well, you know, we talked for a few minutes. I was like, “well, I got a meeting, I’m about to meet with some clients. I got to run. It was nice hearing from you. I’ll talk to you later.” And I didn’t bring up getting together anymore. And then about two minutes, three minutes went by. And then my receptionist like, “hey, so and so is on the phone again.”

And I was thinking, I got her now, I got her and I picked up phone. I was like, “hey, what’s up? Long time no hear. What’s it been like 2 or 3 minutes?” And she laughed and she said, “Well, hey, I wanted to see what day you were available. So we’d go to Disney World and Epcot Center and do around the world”. And for those of you that know or maybe don’t know, so they have different pavilions around the lake and at some of these pavilions based upon the country and their culture, they have beers from that country.

And so the idea is to go to each one of those little pavilions. And have one beer. And so each place you can have beer, the idea is to go around the world. You want to go around the lake and have one beer at each place. And so we had talked about that for several months, but I couldn’t get her to make a date even though she was reaching out. So I just stopped asking. And man, it was hard. It was really hard because I loved hearing her voice, her sweetest voice in the world. It still is this day. I love hearing from her. I love this girl. I’ll love her for the rest of my life.

And but it was hard to do that. It was hard to not ask her to do something, and it was hard to get off the phone after only 2 to 3 minutes. But I finally recognized like, this is going nowhere. She calls me. She won’t make a date. Even though she’s reaching out. She still won’t make a date. So now I’m not going to ask her. I’m not going to bring it up anymore. It’s like, how would I act if I was fucking somebody else? I’d be like, “hey, it’s nice to hear from you, you know? Hope you’re doing great. Say hi to your mom and dad. You know, I gotta run and talk to you later.”

And after that happens several times, and over the course of like two weeks, she realized he’s not asking me out anymore she knew something was different. And so that caused a little fear of loss. And started her wondering, “did he meet somebody else? He was always so into me. He was always trying to get me out of dates and now he has an ass in two weeks. What’s going on with that?” And so now the one thing we’ve been talking about for months, oh, we got to do that.

I was like, yeah, when can you. Oh work’s crazy, I don’t know, I just stopped asking. And so then she calls me back after the last time, literally like two, 3 minutes after I hung up with her and brings it up. And then on top of that, she’s like, “hey, I want to see what day you want to take my daughter to Disney. Because that was something else. She’s like, “oh, I can’t wait. She’s love for you to take her to Disney or Epcot or wherever, or Tower of Terror or one of those things, or the Hollywood Studios one or SeaWorld.”

And so she made a date for me and her to go to Epcot. And then she made a date for me to take her daughter for the day to Disney, one of the Disney theme parks. And so it went from I kept asking her out, I stopped asking her out and I was real, you know, I wasn’t short with her, but I was like, I only talk for 2 or 3 minutes. And I was like, “oh, hey, I’m about to step into a meeting or, hey, I got to get ready for this meeting. I got clients coming in, I got to go through their stuff, so I got to run. I’ll talk to you later.”

And so she recognized something changed. And so she knew that if she didn’t bring up getting together or bringing up seeing me or arrange something to see me, that’s why she called back. And she was like, do you have your calendar? She’s like, I know you got that big desk calendar on your desk with all your appointments. I was like, yep. She’s like, well, make sure you pencil us in. I was like, I got you. I put you in pen. You’re an ink now, now I can’t. I’m stuck with you. I can’t get rid of you.

She laughed. And, uh, so we went and we did around the world. Had a blast. I took her to daughter to Disney. But I stopped moving forward. That was the difference. That made the difference because that’s what, you know, you’re going to see here with this particular guy she got. She dumped him. He wants her back. He begged and pleaded. And then finally he came across her at work. Or actually, he’d been following me for a while. He finally had the balls to start implementing it.

I can tell he has it implemented all the way, because he’s afraid he’s never going to hear from her again. But the bottom line is he’s not seeing her. So in this case, even though the girl is still reaching out 100%. And and she sets dates and comes over. He’s getting nowhere. And so that tells me that it’s still his idea. He’s the one bringing up making dates. And so if you’re in this situation with an ex and you go to make a date. Or say she reaches out, you make a date, and then she comes over and turns the cheek turns the head gives you the cheek and you’re like, what’s up with that? She’s like, well, I only think of you as a friend. It’s like, I told you, I’m not interested in that.

Even though you say that women will try to, they’ll keep trying to get you to cave and go back on your word. And so what you have to do is you have to back up even further. So if you’re making dates and she refuses to touch you or be physical with you in any way, then you’re not going to make any dates. You’re not even going to bring up making dates. You’re going to do what I did to my ex-girlfriend, who was one of the great loves of my life. I wouldn’t be the man. I’d probably be dead in a ditch somewhere if it hadn’t been for her and her family. So it’s like she completely changed my life and it hadn’t been for her.

I would have never connected the dots in the level that I’m able to connect them for you guys. So she changed my life and she helped to change the world. But I came to recognize that you got to stop asking around. You got to stop bringing it up. It has to be her idea. Even though she’s reaching out, he’s setting dates. He’s following what’s, in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. But what he is doing, he’s ignoring the fact that nothing happens when they get together in person, physically.

So when that’s happening, you don’t even bring up getting together. And then there’ll be some other things that I’ll say that this guy needs to do if she acts a little squirrely. Or that she needs to do when she actually comes over, if she brings up getting together. So I know that was a long diatribe, but it’s very important to understand the mindset and the philosophy behind this. Because I figured it out in my own life, and I’ve been teaching this for 20 years.

And so I’ve seen this thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of times from men, from every cultural and spiritual background and every country around the world has been through the same things. And so this is the only way I’ve been able to see that you’re able to turn things around when the girl comes over and is like, no friends only.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve been watching your videos for three years now and I’ve read your book about 13 times now. I am at a crossroads. I am a 26-year-old man in my last year of medical school, graduating as a doctor next year. Three years ago, I met my now ex-girlfriend in med school.

We were in a very passionate but rocky and unhealthy relationship for about 3 years. I will admit, I was naive and made a lot of mistakes early on, and acted weak and uncentered at times. My behavior made her lose a lot of attraction for me, she even told me this flat out at times but I didn’t listen till it was too late.

And so, even though he was following me, he was reading my Book, his emotions were overriding his logic, and he was still doing the opposite of what I teach. Because that’s, you know, he’s still got to get through that wall of fear. He hasn’t punched through it yet.

She officially broke up with me about 6 months ago and even though I initially begged and pleaded, I finally found my balls and told her to get in touch if she wanted to give it another shot, and I walked away after she tried to friend zone me.

My problem now is that every few weeks she will message me out of the blue. I will set up a time to get together and sometimes she will jerk me around and not agree.

Well, that’s because you’re bringing up getting together. Cause like I did exactly this, I was stuck, you know. Even though this girl was reaching out to me, I was trying to set dates, and she wouldn’t set them. She just, “Well, I’m busy. But I wanted to see how you were.” And so I finally realized that she just wanted to see if I was still interested. And I was a backup in case things weren’t going well with other guys that she was seeing.

Because I did so many unattractive things that turned her off. And so she knew I was a known quantity to her. She knew I really liked her. She knew she could have me, and that was part of the problem. And so it was just every couple of weeks she would reach out or, you know, in my case, she’d reach out at least once a week.

And I eventually realized I just stopped asking her out. And so we talked for a few minutes and I’d say, “I got to I got to run and talk to you later.” 4 or 5 days a week would go by and I’d be sick to my stomach every fucking day thinking, “man, am I never going to hear from this girl again? Is that it? Is she just going to disappear?”

And sure enough, it was about two weeks. It was about 12, 13 days, I think went by where I didn’t ask her out or anything, and then she brought it up. And I remember a few months later we were talking about that moment, and she’s like, “so if I didn’t call you and ask you out, we would have never spoken again?” I was like, “yeah.” She’s like, wow. I was like, yeah, it’s like we wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t want to waste my time. And you were happy to waste it. You were sitting on the fence, so I had to knock you off the fence one way or another. And yet, here you are, naked in my bed. So it worked. I love trolling her. She’s a good sport. She’s a lot of fun.

So I back off again and then she will, we get together, I try to make a move on her and she rejects me and says “I just think we are better off friends.”

So again, that tells me you’re trying to seduce her and touch her when there’s no indication that she’s ready to be touched and seduced. So you’re once again ignoring the direction of what’s in The Book. And if you look at how this guy was, it’s like it’s the same thing. It’s like backing off. It’s scary.

It’s you’re full of the fears that you have, the irrational fears, but they’re still your fears and that cloud your judgment and it clouds your actions, and it allows you to bullshit yourself and talk yourself into doing things and pursuing her when she’s treating you like a second class citizen.

And so it’s like you just have to go all the way. It’s like a game of chicken. And so what’s happening is you’re blinking. She’s reaching out, and instead of letting her bring up getting together, you’re making a date and you’re going, oh, I’ll figure it out when she gets there.

And then she comes over and there’s no signs of any attraction, any physical interaction. She’s not touching you or nothing. Not playing with her hair. And yet you’re trying to seduce her because, again, you’re trying to force it. You’ve slowed down tremendously compared to what you were doing early on, but you still haven’t stopped.

Because she needs to feel that you’ve stopped moving forward all together. And so how would you treat her if you were tired of fucking her? You wouldn’t be rude. You’d be nice. You’d be happy to hear from her. But after 2 or 3 minutes you’d be like. I got another girl at once to drain my balls dry. I’m going to go spend time with her. You’re not going to say that to this one, but that should be your mindset. So you’re going to be polite and then you’re going to kindly say, hey, I got an appointment or I got a meeting I got to get ready for. It’s really nice here in your sweet voice, but I got to run. Talk to you later.

And then she starts to think, why is he asking me out anymore? That’s when you have her. But he has been willing to go all the way to do that because it’s probably terrifying to him. What if I never hear from her again? We spent three years together. And when you think in terms of 1 to 3 of these kind of women come along a decade, you’re like, what’s it going to be five years before I meet somebody like this again? I don’t want to wait five fucking years.

I don’t want to wait two years. And so you think, ah, okay, I can work with this. Maybe she’ll change her mind next time. She’ll be in a different headspace. But the bottom line is he makes dates, she comes over and he gets nowhere, and then he keeps making dates. You got to stop doing that because it’s not her idea. There’s no fear of loss on her part. That’s part of the problem.

Then I walk away again and tell her to come back if she changes her mind. She agrees and ceases contact for a few weeks, only to get in contact again then the cycle repeats we hang out, and I try to kiss her at the end, and she rejects me for the sake of friendship and gives me the speech. 

Stop asking around. Don’t bring it up. Talk for no more than 2 to 3 minutes on the phone and say, “hey, it was great hearing from you. I got to run. Talk to you later.” If she’s texting you, send 2 or 3 replies back and forth and say, “hey, I got to run. I’m about to step in a meeting, have a great day or I got to run. Talk to you later.” That’s it. And she’ll notice that you’re only talking on the phone for a short period of time. It’s almost like you want to get away or you got something else going on. Whereas before you’re always happy to hear from her.

Happy to make dates. And now, not only are you not bringing up, getting together and going out on dates, but it seems like you’re trying to be polite and get off the phone kind of quickly. Like, almost like you don’t want to talk to her. It’s the same thing with text. You’re willing to respond, you’re nice, but, it’s just someone or something else has got your attention. And that’s what causes her to go, “oh, I better do something about this.” And then she brings up getting together.

The last time it just happened I asked her “What’s the deal? I tell you only contact me if you want a nonplatonic date and you agree but you keep bringing up friendship?”

See, you’re using logic and reason to try to change her mind here, when you should be looking at and bottom lining her actions. Which are, you’re making dates with a woman that comes over because she knows you’re kind of a chump and you’ll put up with it, and she can just give you her speech, and the same thing repeats. Because you haven’t really fully walked away from her.

That’s the real issue here. The strongest negotiating position is being able, my stomach is going crazy, being able to walk away and mean it. And so what’s happened is you’ve kind of half assedly walked away. You didn’t really mean it. And so you need to go further and you need to stop bringing up getting together. She has to bring it up first. And so here’s what her response is.

To which she says, “I reach out because I miss having you around but I just think of you as only a friend now we just aren’t compatible romantically but you’re an amazing guy.”

So the problem is you keep agreeing. You allow her to set the negotiating table. You’re trying to get her attention and validation. You’re trying to get her to give you another chance, instead of the whole mindset is, no, she’s got to earn another chance with you. So she’s wasted, I don’t know how many innings. She’s come over to make dinner together and it goes nowhere. And then as soon as you hear from her next, you try to make another one of those dates, and then it goes nowhere and you’re using logic and reason.

Instead of just taking a step back and going, “oh, she wouldn’t kiss me or touch me. Maybe she’s fucking somebody else and she’s just using me for attention and validation. I’m basically her emotional tampon is the way you need to look at it. And you know what? I’m not interested in being that anymore.” You’re not going to say this to her, you’re just going to stop bringing up getting together.

So, I walked away yet again, ceasing all contact.

Well, she should be doing 100% of the contact anyways. So that tells me he’s probably reaching out, maybe occasionally.

And telling her I only wanted romance if she changed her mind. I have no doubt she will reach out to me again in the coming weeks to try this shit again and I don’t know what to do.

Don’t ask, don’t bring it up. If she reaches out. If say, she calls. “Oh, how you been?” “Oh, I’ve been great. What have you been up to?” “Oh, I’ve been up to the bar.” “And it’s like, hey, you know, it’s been nice hearing from you, but I got an appointment about to step into, so I got I’ll talk to you later.” And just get off the phone and don’t bring up getting together. If she’s texting you, send 2 or 3 replies.

“Hey, I got to run about step in a meeting or hey, I got to run. Can’t talk. Hey. Can’t talk right now. Have a great night, a great evening, and have a great day. Whatever.” And just leave the conversation. Because it will appear to her, and she will feel almost as if you don’t want to talk to her. Like you’re not really that important. Like something’s changed. She’ll know something’s changed, because you won’t be bringing up getting together.

I am dating other women, but I just have not found one that knocks my socks off yet.

Well, it’s just a matter of time.

I know she is also dating her share of other men. I really do like her and do want to be with her, and I will admit I messed up early on but since reading your book I feel as though I have been applying it properly.

No, you have not. And this is how I can easily tell that you’re bullshitting yourself. You’re trying to touch and seduce a woman and getting rejected for it. That tells me you’re not applying what’s in The Book properly. You’re not noticing any signs of attraction, and then you’re trying to make a move and you’re not fully implementing what’s in The Book because you’re afraid. You’re afraid you’re going to lose her. But the reality is she just gets in touch because you give her attention and validation. She knows you want her back.

There’s no doubt in her mind she’s not afraid of losing you. And she’s hanging out with the Chad Thunder Cocks of the world because at least they act like a man. At least they have the balls to really walk away and mean it, and you just haven’t been able to walk away and mean it. Because as soon as you hear from her, you start jumping through your butt trying to spend time with her again. And then you’re trying to make a move when there’s absolutely no signs that she’s wanting you to make a move.

But despite this, she is still jerking me around and I could use your help.

Again, thank you for all that you do.

Yours,

Bob

Well, like I said, the where you’re at, all you need to do is nothing. Keep your conversation short. Your text replies should be 2 to 3 max and then say, “hey, I got to run. Talk to you later.” If she calls you say, “hey, I got to get prepared for a meeting, but it’s nice hearing from you. I got to run, talk to you later.” And just get off the phone. And so one of two things will happen. She’ll either stop contacting you or she’ll bring up getting together.

And if she brings up getting together, then I would say, “what do you have in mind? So are you telling me you’re going to show up for panty free Friday with no panties on? And you’re going to suck the tongue out of the back of my throat when you come over to make dinner together this time?”

And if she goes, “no, I told you, I only want to be friends.” Just then just say, “look, I told you, I don’t want to hear from you unless you are dying to see me and tear my clothes off. It’s like, I’m not interested in in being your gay male girlfriend. I’m sure you got plenty of other dudes in your life that would love that, and you should call them. But I’m interested in sex and romance, and I don’t want to hear from you again unless you’re coming over here to fuck my brains out.” You might have to say that to her. So.

But like I said, if she brings up getting together and say, “I’ll let you in only if you kiss me really passionately.” And then. So when she comes over and you open your door to let her in. Just say, “bring those beautiful lips over here.” And if she goes, “oh, I only think of you as a friend. Nothing’s going to happen tonight.” Just say “no. That’s not what we agreed. You said you’re going to come over and suck the tongue out of the back of my throat. So unless you kiss me properly, just like in Lord of the rings, you shall not pass the door threshold of my house. It’s like you got to kiss me. I’m the kissing bandit. And you can’t come in until you kiss me. You can’t come in my house until you kiss me first.”

“Oh, I told you, I’m only interested in being friends.” “It’s like, no, I don’t hang out with girls in a platonic way. Especially my ex-girlfriend, who obviously thinks I’m incredibly sexy and handsome. And you’re just being a little difficult and playing hard to get. But unless you kiss me passionately, you can’t come in.” And just sit and look at her like this with a smirk on your face, just like I’m doing now. And she’ll either kiss you or she’ll leave, and she’s going to kiss you. If she brought up getting together, then she’ll kiss you.

I said, I’m just preparing you how to handle it. I know it’s hard. I know it’s difficult. But you got to get through this invisible wall of fear. It’s every man has to deal with this. You know, a lot of guys I do phone sessions with them, it’s the same thing. It’s overcoming this fear that you’re not good enough and fear that you won’t be loved. And just only interacting with women in a way that forces them to respect you, respect your boundaries and what you want, or to disappear from your life forever. Forever.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.