Stuck In Limbo While My Girlfriend Is Trying To Find Another Guy

What you should do if your girlfriend isn’t trying to fix your relationship problems but acts single.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who I have answered several emails for in my previous newsletters, the most recent being, “Why Being Undisciplined Communicates Incompetence & Turns Women Off.” He’s read 3% Man, 26 times and has been having problems with his girlfriend who is behaving like they have an open relationship and are basically roommates. He has gotten his drinking and some other problems of his under control since his last email, but his girlfriend is not doing her part to work on the relationship. She keeps talking about moving out, being independent and that she doesn’t feel free. He’s finally starting to set healthy boundaries, but the damage is clearly done, and she needs to go. She’s staying out all night and clearly thinks of herself as being single while she looks for another guy instead of trying to fix their relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Stuck In Limbo While My Girlfriend Is Trying To Find Another Guy.”

Well, obviously that’s not where you want to be. This particular email is a follow up. And apparently this guy, I probably answered 2 or 3 other videos or emails and video, previous video newsletters. The last one that I answered was titled, “Why Being Undisciplined Communicates Incompetence & Turns Women Off.”

So he says he’s read 3% Man, 26 times, and he’s been having problems with his “girlfriend,” who quite frankly, she’s acting like she’s single. And they kind of almost like they have an open relationship. So, she’s going out and partying, staying out all night, doing blow and other things that she shouldn’t be doing.

And he’s hoping that things are going to turn around, because he made some mistakes in the past. He had some drinking issues. He’s one of those guys that drinks too much, does things, gets blackout drunk if I remember right. I believe in his previous email we were talking about that.

But he’s cleaned up his behavior, he’s more disciplined, he’s not having issues with alcohol. He’s working out. He’s taking care of the things that he can take care of. But what he’s noticing is his girlfriend’s not making the same effort. And so, she’s going out, in essence, looking for a new guy, while she continues to live with him.

They hook up and plus she’s basically saying that she wants to move out. She doesn’t feel free. She wants to be an independent woman. And so, it’s clear from her actions that she’s still hooking up with him, but she’s trying to find a new guy. A guy that stimulates her emotionally.

And unfortunately, he’s kind of put his personal life on hold for a woman that clearly is not respecting him. And so, since the last email, he’s advanced, he’s gotten better, but he notices that his girlfriend’s really not doing anything to fix the relationship or fix the issues.

And the way she’s talking and the way she’s acting, even though they’re still hooking up and living together, it’s like he feels like they’re just roommates. In other words, she goes out and does her thing and comes home because she’s got nowhere else to live, in essence.

And he can tell, he’s like, he’s getting the point though, where he’s starting to set healthy boundaries. And so, he asked me my opinion on it, because he’s still of the mindset that he wants another go with this particular woman.

Despite the fact that she’s not being very loyal, she’s not doing anything to communicate that she’s trying to fix the relationship, or values what they had.

It’s just, she’s hanging out and having fun and hooking up with him occasionally, while she goes out and parties with her single girlfriends and tries to find a new guy. And if you’re a man, that’s not where you want to be. And so, he writes in.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

I’ve been following your work for over 5 years, and I’ve read the book 26 times. You answered a couple of my emails in the past. The last one was “Why Being Undisciplined Communicates Incompetence & Turns Women Off.”

And so, my whole goal when I’m coaching a guy, I mean, most of my audience, 80% of them on most of the platforms is men anyways. And probably 99% of the emails that I answer, are from the guy, not the girl. The girl’s not even watching the videos.

There’s really not much I can do to influence her behavior. But the key as a coach, is my job is to help him get to the point where he can reach his full potential, and his personal life. And so, that means cleaning up his unattractive behavior.

Because no matter what happens with this girlfriend of his he’s trying to get back, he’s got to clean up his behavior. Because if he doesn’t, next time he attracts a girl he really likes, he’s going to turn her off for the same reasons. So we’ve got to clean up the unattractive behavior no matter what.

And so, he’s doing that. He’s cleaning up his unattractive behavior, but now he’s really starting to notice there’s a growing gap between what his girlfriend is willing to do, and what he’s willing to do. It’s like, you can’t; it takes two to tango.

And if you’re trying to fix your relationship and your girlfriend is acting like, “hey, I’m looking for a new dude, hey, look at me, I’m going to go fuck other guys.” Well, she’s not really trying to fix things. She’s just, in essence, using you and using your niceness and your kindness, to in essence, monkey branch.

Meanwhile, you don’t know when that’s going to happen. And he’s putting his life on hold for this girl. The last email that I answered was, “Why Being Undisciplined Communicates Incompetence & Turns Women Off.”

Since then, he’s been focusing on discipline, working out, etc. following the principles in the book and having my drinking under control. My relationship with my girlfriend has smoothed out since, and she’s told me she notices the effort I’m putting in and appreciates the changes.

Well, that’s nice.

However, while I’ve been putting in a lot of effort to better myself and our relationship, I’ve noticed she hasn’t been doing the same.

And that’s where you got to kind of look at what are her actions. Does she look like she’s afraid of losing this guy? Does she look like, “Man, I don’t really want; he’s the best guy I’ve ever dated.” No, we don’t see that. It looks like she’s just trying to find a new dude while she monkey branches.

And she is telling him that she wants to move out and stuff. But the longer he keeps putting up with this, her living with him while she goes out and acts like a party girl, his life is on hold.

Because there will be some days where things go well and you think, “Hey, maybe things, maybe she’s changing, maybe she’s going to turn the corner, maybe it will work out.” And then a few days later, she goes out and does something. You’re like, “There’s no way this is going to work out.” And so, as a man, when you’re putting up with that. You don’t see the girl making any effort to fix the issues.

Like in this case, he was the one that’s on the verge of getting dumped. But you know, most of the time I’ve done the dumping in my life, especially as I got older, and I learned this stuff. And you feel bad. And you know, if you’re living with somebody and you break it off, it’s like you got to kind of help them transition out of the relationship with you, and back into living on her own, or having her own place, or whatever it happens to be.

And you want them to get over the breakup. But it’s like in this case, they’re still living together, and it’s clear she’s trying to line up somebody new. She’s not trying to fix things. And so, when you see that, in order for you to move on, you’ve got to create a space for somebody new.

Meanwhile, she goes and hangs out, and stays at other people’s place, friends, people that she doesn’t even he doesn’t even know. And it’s just, as a man, it’s not a place you want to be in. Because you’re just basically getting used and taken advantage of your kindness.

She’s been talking a lot about how she might want to move out and how she misses the excitement of first dates. I’ve told her I’ll support her if she decides to leave, and it’s up to her.

Well, basically when you tell her that, you’re saying, “Hey, I’ll put my life on hold while you figure yourself out.”

She has also been going out with her new girlfriends, which I love as she didn’t have friends before, but she’s basically been partying like a single girl.

Yeah, that also is kind of a red flag I’ve noticed over the years. And, you know, many times I’ve seen that in the emails, and coaching clients is women that don’t have a solid group of female friends especially, usually tend to display a lot of disloyal behavior. Because they’re not a loyal friend.

And so, what usually happens when they have close friendships with women, is it’s something goes sideways in the relationship, and they’re not able to maintain the friendship. Whether that person doesn’t want to maintain it with her, or vice versa. It’s just not a good sign for a woman that just has no close friends, and all of a sudden makes new friends and she’s going out partying.

One night, she was out all night with her friend’s bar hopping, doing coke, and staying up at her friends’ place doing more blow. She came home at 8am and she woke me up for great sex, but it got me thinking that she might not be a high quality prospect. 

Yeah, it’s nice that she came home and fucked your brains out, but is that just because she didn’t meet anybody else that particular night? And plus she was doing blow, which girls at tend to do a lot of cocaine, tend to be more promiscuous. And they tend to sleep around. And they tend to be willing to give up the pussy for a little blow. That’s been my personal experience with it. And so, girls that are doing that stuff, they tend to not be very loyal.

She even texted me that night to let me know she’d be “spending the night” at her friends place, and told me what bar she was at. I was nearby and said we should meet for a drink. She didn’t respond until 4 A.M. saying, “Goodnight, I love you <3”

She got his message. She blew him off because she didn’t want to hang out.

And I left her on read as I was out making new friends. I feel like I’m just a guy she has to come home to, so she’s not bored and alone.

That’s a pretty good analysis. Because she’s not coming home to you going, “Oh God, I don’t want to lose you.” Because she knows, based on what you’ve told her, that you’re, in essence you put your personal life on hold while she goes and finds herself or explores things. Now, it’d be different if he was the one that dumped her, and was trying to help her get over the breakup.

But in this case, he’s the one that’s been getting pushed away by her. She’s the one saying she’s going to move out. And it’s clear from her actions, if we just bottom line the actions, that, she’s not trying to do anything to keep this guy. Just enough to keep him on the hook. And so, he’ll allow her to continue her degeneracy, if you will.

On our dates, it barely seems like she wants to be there and would be just as happy if she could go home and go to bed.

It’s like, yeah. Why go out on a date with her? There’s no enthusiasm, there’s no excitement. She’s making no effort. She makes more of an effort to go out and meet new people. It’s, Elvis has left the building. She’s not even trying. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. And it’s clear, no matter what’s happened at this point, her current actions show she just doesn’t give a shit.

I finally sat down with her and told her that if she wants to move out, I’ll support her. However, I don’t want to be with her, and I don’t want her in my life if she does. She can reach out if she wants to try again, and we can try if I’m still available at that point. 

Yeah. “You’re either in or you’re out. I’m not going to be your gay male girlfriend. I’m not going to be your emotional tampon. I’m not going to be your roommate while you go fuck other dudes.” It’s like, “If you’re not going to make our relationship work, then you need to hit the bricks, plain and simple. She can reach out if she wants to try again, and we can try if I’m still available at that point.”

And so, that’s the right thing to say because you’re looking at the situation. And she’s not trying to fix it. “She’s not trying to keep me. She certainly doesn’t seem like she fears losing me.” And she has the attitude of, “Well, I’ll just go fuck somebody else. I’m still young and beautiful. Who cares? I’ll just find, I’ll just replace you.” It’s like, “Go ahead, good luck with that. If you think you can do better than me, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find.”

I said I want a partner who is 100% in the relationship like I am.

Yeah, you’re making the effort to better yourself and be a better boyfriend, and she’s just trying to line up the next guy she’s going to sleep with, and date.

I don’t want one who’s got one foot out the door and cares so little about our relationship that she’s thinking about moving out.

Yeah, at this point, you just need to push her out. Just say, “You need to go. It’s clear you’re not interested. Despite what you say. You’re not trying to fix things. You’re not worried about losing me. You’re not trying to become a better girlfriend. You’re not a good teammate. You’re just. You’re, in essence, a roommate. We’re occasional fuck buddies. And other than that, you’re not trying. So it’s time for you to move on. It’s time for you to go.”

I told her she hasn’t been showing the same effort, and that if she wants to stay in the relationship, her behavior will have to change. I told her she has to make up her mind and not keep me in limbo anymore.

Well, it’s like, “You got till the end of the weekend to figure it out. You got 48 hours you’re in or you out. You either want to make it work with us or you need to get out of my house.” Simple as that.

If she wants out, I want to heal, move on, and find someone who can give 100%. I told her I would appreciate if she let me know before Valentine’s Day so I could cancel our reservations.

So, I guess the email came in about a month ago.

She broke down crying, telling me she didn’t want to lose me, and was worried that if she did reach out in six months, that I would be seeing someone else.

It’s like, exactly. “I’m not going to put my life on my personal life on hold for you for six months to go find yourself. Or to fuck ten other dudes and then decide that I’m still the best thing around.” It’s like, “I’m not doing that. If you don’t love me and value me enough to try to keep me and fix things and keep from losing me, then you need to get the fuck out.” Simple as that. It’s harsh, but if you do this with a woman, you’re just going to let her walk all over you, and then she’s not going to respect you anyways.

She said she’d never had a boyfriend she saw a future with until me, and that she wanted me in her life, and she knows keeping me in limbo isn’t fair and that I deserve someone who’s giving 100%. I told her I want her too and care about her a lot, but she’s got to make up her mind.

Pretty much. You’re either in or out, Sweetheart.

I feel really good about this, I’m finally standing up for myself and being a man. Even if she does want to stay together, I want to set more boundaries. Like it’s okay to be out with girlfriends, but I’m not into her partying like a single girl when she’s supposed to be with me.

Yeah, if you’re in a relationship, and your girl wants to go clubbing all the time. She thinks she’s single, and she’s trying to line up somebody new. If you’re going to be an exclusive relationship, especially if you’re going to live with somebody, that shit’s just not going to. It’s that’s not going to fly. If you want to be a single girl, go move in with your girlfriends and go party like rock stars do. Coke stack bodies every weekend? Whatever. I don’t fucking care. But I’m not going to put my life on hold while you treat me this way.

Overall, I have your work to thank for helping me become a 3% Man again. 

Still, do you think this was fully appropriate? I’m concerned I’m trying to corral her into a relationship too much.

It’s called respect. You live together. You’re trying to work things out, and she’s not. She keeps telling you she wants to move out. So say, “You need to go. You’re not trying to keep me. You’re not trying to fix things.” And all you’re saying is, “Oh, gee. I worry that if I do let you go, then six months, I try to come back. You’re going to be gone.” It’s like, “There you go. I’m not waiting for you.” And you need to tell her that. Because if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re basically telling her to continue walking all over you.

She mentioned she wants to move out so she can be independent and do her own thing.

Great. She wants to be single. That’s what she told you. She doesn’t like you enough or care about you enough to make it work. And if you look at her actions, all the partying and everything else, you’re not going to fix that. I mean, it’s just things are too far gone. And it’s clear she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t value you.

And her attitude is that, “Oh, I’ll just replace you with somebody else.” So great. Let her have that. And then when you move on with somebody better and hotter and younger, who’s got a better attitude. Then she realizes all these other douchebags that came along was like, “Hey, you made your bed, Sweetheart. You get to lay in it now.”

She said she doesn’t always feel free in our relationship. How can I fix that? 

Bob

Kick her out. Tell her to go. You know this crap about, “Oh, you’re controlling.” Or, “I need my freedom.” All she’s really saying is, “I basically want my freedom to continue to go find somebody.” And as soon as she finds somebody. Whether it’s that night, she wants to be able to just go fuck them and then come back and go, “Oh, I’m moving out. See you later. It’s, you know, good luck. I’ve decided I don’t want to work things out.” It’s like all she’s doing is monkey branching and keeping you on the hook, and dangling a little bit of the carrot in front of you.

And you’re kind of, for the most part, performing like a clapping seal, “Arff” so, cut it out. You got to see yourself as the prize. Granted, you did a lot of things that led to her losing attraction, but the way she’s behaving now, you’re getting punked, dude. She doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t care. She’s not even trying.

Say, “I want you to move out. I want to have space so I can meet somebody new. And if down the road you really, truly want to make an effort to get me back. Well, being a party girl, it’s not going to work. So you need to change your attitude, change how you’re showing up.

And if down the road, I see you actually have made some legitimate changes, and have addressed my concerns, then maybe I’ll give you another chance if I’m still available. But quite frankly, based on your behavior these last several months, it’s like you don’t want to fix anything. You don’t care. And I don’t want to be in limbo another day. So it’s time for you to go.”

So that’s what I would tell her if I were you, Dude. Because I mean, at this point, it’s demeaning to yourself. It’s disrespectful. And you shouldn’t be living like this. And it’s just, I mean, you’ve given her several months to turn it around, and you’re trying, but she’s not. And you can’t fix things if the other person’s not willing to try. So it just really doesn’t matter at this point. It’s time for her to go.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.