Success Is Making Progress. What To Do If You’re Not Making Progress

What you can do if you feel stuck and like you’re not really making progress in life.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who lives in the north where it’s cold 7 months of the year and people stay inside. He doesn’t feel like he’s making progress in his social life with meeting and keeping new friends and lovers. He feels demoralized and like he’s never getting anywhere. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Success Is Making Progress. What To Do If You’re Not Making Progress”.

So it’s important because most people success is like a moving target. In other words, I’ll be happy when I get the nice car. I’ll be happy when I get the girl. I’ll be happy when I get a house. I’ll be happy when I get the promotion that I want. I’ll be happy when this happens or that happens. I’ll lose 50 pounds or I become a good tennis player, whatever happens to be. And then the event comes, you’re happy. You finally get what you’ve been waiting for and suffering for, and then it’s over.

It’s just like guys that win a Super Bowl. Yay! You win a Super Bowl. You won the Stanley Cup. Well, what about the next day? Well, it’s just another day. And so you have to get to a place in life where you focus on things and reasons you had to be grateful for. And if you’re one of those guys, I was having this conversation with a guy the other day, and he grew up in an environment where he was just constantly berated and put down and insulted by his parents. So he’s very insecure. He’s a high achiever.

And part of the problem is every day he gets up, he’s always focused on what’s not working or what’s not going well. Obviously, he spends a lot of time around his parents who are still kind of verbally and emotionally abusive. And so he’s got that to deal with. And what I told him to do is like, get up every day and start a gratitude journal before you get out of bed. Spend five minutes just writing things down and reasons that you can come up with to be grateful for whatever’s going on in your life, because whatever you focus on is going to expand.

And so if you grew up in an environment where you’re constantly dealing with negativity and you’re being put down, or maybe you got family members that you have to be around, maybe you live together, whatever. Maybe you’re a caretaker, and you just got to put up with negative people in your life. And so whatever you focus on is going to expand. So force yourself every morning to get up and do gratitude journa

ling for about five minutes before you get out of bed. And so you start the day by looking at the world and your life for reasons that you had to be excited and optimistic and grateful.

Because it’s a great way to start today because it trains your brain, or I should say, retrains your brain. Because whatever you focus on is going to expand. If you focus on positive things, you’re going to see more positive things. If you focus on negative things, well, you’re going to find more reasons to be negative and unhappy, just like whenever you buy a car. I talked about this in 3% Man, and as soon as you buy the car, like you may have not even noticed them before, but now that you own one you like, see them everywhere on the road, again, it’s because that’s what you’re focusing on.

So it’s important that you monitor your self-talk, the things you do, the things you say. What’s going on between the conversation that’s happening between your ears. And if you notice it straying in a negative way, focus on something positive and something that you always need to do is ask yourself, “what do I have to get done today before I go to bed tonight? What’s an absolute must that has to get done today?”

And when you focus on that throughout the day, and then you take action on those things and you get them done, then when you go to bed at night, you focus on the things that were most important, and you feel productive. Because again, success is making progress. And so you want to be able to see like incremental progress in your life that you’re getting better. Because if you see incremental progress, then you’re going to be happy. You’re going to have hope, then it becomes easier to continue taking action.

But again, whatever you focus on is going to get bigger. So this particular emails from a guy who I guess he lives somewhere up North, and he said it’s cold like seven months out of the year. And then mostly people stay inside and he doesn’t feel like he’s really making progress in his social life with meeting and keeping new friends or lovers, because sometimes he meets new people, thinks, oh, this is going to be a good friend. And then he realizes their goals and values don’t align, or they have a falling out, or he dates a girl, and he’s really excited about it, and then it doesn’t work out, and he gets all bummed and demoralized.

And he’s also a musician. And so he’s wondering if maybe he should move somewhere south where the weather is warmer and people are outside more. And if that would help change his attitude. So as a man, your purpose and your mission should be first and foremost. So this guy is a musician, so he should be living where being a musician is something that can be facilitated by the area. So like if you live in Alaska versus living in Nashville, Tennessee, and you’re a musician. Well, are you going to make it in Alaska?

Well, the music business is not really big in Alaska, but Nashville, Tennessee, or maybe in New York or in LA or somewhere that has a big music scene. That’s where I’d be if it was this point in time, and if I’m an up and coming musician and a creator, the best place to be, in my opinion, would be Nashville. So if you’re considering moving, I would move to Nashville because the weather is obviously much warmer there and it’s a great city. If you haven’t been there, you should definitely go there and check it out if you’re a musician.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

My question is that I feel like I’m never making true progress in creating a good social and dating life.

Well, the other thing is you got to really enjoy your life and be proud of it and be happy. Get to a happy place first, because if you’re in a happy place, you’ll attract other people who are also in a happy place. If you’re miserable and unhappy, guess what? You’re going to attract other people who are also miserable and unhappy. So first and foremost, you should focus on getting to a happy place first, and then the people that you meet because you’re in a happy place yourself, typically are also going to be happy and optimistic and like minded.

I’ll go through periods where I meet women or make new connections, and my confidence and sense of well-being increase dramatically. However, unless I really resonate with someone, I’m not the kind of person who holds onto friendships that don’t feel authentic or aligned in values.

Well, I mean, most people, as you go through life like I can count on one hand the real good, close friends that have been in my life for many decades and they don’t come along very often. Like I talk about when it comes to lovers, you get maybe 1 to 3 of those a decade. Somebody that you really click with, and it just feels like a soul connection right from the moment you meet. And it’s the same thing with my closest friends. Over the course of my life, when I’ve met people that have been with me all these decades, it’s just we clicked automatically. It was easy. It was effortless. They genuinely just really enjoyed hanging with me and vice versa.

And our goals and our values were also aligned. And as we go through life, they just always stay in touch and vice versa. We all make the effort to keep the friendship going on all sides and that’s the important thing. And if you’re young, you don’t really see that because again, you just haven’t been on the planet enough decades to see how those things play out. When you’re younger, you have a lot of people that, you know, a lot of acquaintances that like, at least I know I did a lot of people that I thought were my friends because we grew up together, knew each other since third grade, and we went through elementary school together, middle school together, high school together.

And you think, well, we’ve know each other all these years since we were kids. They gotta really care. And then I realized as I got into my 20s, a lot of them really didn’t. We were just classmates, and that was about it. They were acquaintances. Especially when you have people that you think are your friends, and then you find out that they’re talking shit about you behind your back. And that hurts. It’s not fun when that shit happens. But that’s life, man. Life is brutal. It’s difficult. And at the end of the day, everyone you love, everything you build is going to turn to dust.

So the only thing you can really do is find a way to enjoy your life, because it’s not going to last. Find a way to be a service. Find some kind of life’s work that lights you up on the inside. Gets you up early in the morning. I’ll keep you up late at night because you really, truly love it and enjoy it. You’re obviously not going to love it every single day, and it’s not going to be bliss all the time. Sometimes it’s going to be a real pain in the ass, but more often than not, most of the time you’re really jazzed and excited about it. So again, it’s important that you get to a happy place. You have a good career.

You really like the area that you live in. If you’re living in an area that’s not conducive or doesn’t facilitate your career and what you want to do, you should probably make a change. Like when I moved from South Florida to Orlando when I was in my 20s, to me, I was moving up there because of the opportunity to work on a large Disney project, and also because the area I just loved being in Orlando. I just loved the vibe. The first time I went to the city with my friends, when I went up there, we were going up to party with one of my best friends and his cousin and her girlfriends, and that was a fun time we had.

We went to like Downtown Orlando, and this was back before all the homeless people got invited in by the commie Mayor, Buddy Dyer, who’s an absolute fucking moron. But he’s been the Mayor forever up there. And now downtown smells like fucking piss everywhere. And there’s homeless people all over the place because it’s, again, a Democrat run city now. But back then, in the 90s, it was nice. There were college kids everywhere. There were families everywhere. There were restaurants all over, like Church Street Station. It was the place to be. I loved going Downtown.

It’s great to take a girl on a date. It’s just a really cool place. But things have definitely changed. But at the time when I went up there, I just felt like this is the place for me to be. I spent pretty much my whole life in South Florida and I was ready for a change. I was ready for something new. And so I was excited, I was optimistic, and I moved up there. I met a ton of people, met my future business partners up there, just had a really great 20 plus years that I lived in Orlando. And it’s still, I think it’s a great city, but things change. That’s the way life is. Life is change, growth is optional.

However, unless I really resonate with someone, I’m not the kind of person who holds onto friendships that don’t feel authentic or aligned in values. This often leaves me feeling like I’m back at square one after parting ways with lovers or friends, and my confidence and happiness drop a lot. 

Well, remember everything that happens in life, we decide what it means to us. We decide if it’s a good thing, and we decide if it’s a bad thing. And if you have a breakup, I mean breakups are never fun. If you have somebody that you thought was going to become a good friend, and then they do things that you realize disqualifies them from being a good friend, that sucks too. But the good news is you recognize that your goals and your values weren’t aligned and you moved on. Now you got space in your life for somebody who does share your goals and values to potentially come in and fill.

It always feels like climbing Mount Everest to rebuild my social confidence during these periods, which seem to happen more often lately. 

Well, if you don’t really have any friends and you’re not dating anybody and it’s just you, the best thing you do is go mingle with humanity. Go out and talk to strangers. You will literally feel better going out and mingling with other people, and go lose yourself in your hobbies and your interests and the things you love and enjoy doing for fun. Because even if you just go by yourself, you’re going to feel better because you’re gonna be able to mingle with other people, have small talk conversations with them. Like right now, one of the places where I live, they’re having, like an Art Fair for the weekend. And so that’s interesting.

If you’re into art, those are cool things to do. You never know. It gets everybody in the neighborhood to come out and check things out, just like farmers markets, like I remember in Orlando around Lake Eola, every Sunday they have a farmer’s market there. And so with all the condos and the apartment buildings, it gets everybody out and it’s a great place to go and mingle. Even if you don’t know anybody, you just go and you mingle amongst other human beings.

Strike up conversations, have small talk, talk to the artists about their work. Ask them their inspiration. Just be curious about it. Be curious about other people and just going out and mingling with other humans instead of staying locked up in your apartment. It’s going to make you feel better. Life happens when you move. Stagnation happens when you die. If you’re feeling bummed and demoralized, go do something where there’s lots of people.

Do you think there’s something wrong with my self-esteem, or is it natural to feel this way when you don’t have an abundant social or dating life?

Well, inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage, and that includes your social life. So you’re upset. You’re sad that you don’t have many friends that you feel close to, and you’re clearly not dating anybody that you like. And if you’re just staying at home, what are you doing? You’re ruminating on your problems. It’s like when you look at like the causes of depression and stuff. What they’ve realized is just people ruminating on their problems. And oftentimes, like, people get into therapy with a therapist.

What does the therapist do with them? Just constantly ruminate on their problems. That’s why so many people when even though they might have a therapist, they feel like they never get any better. Because all they do is go and ruminate over their problems. They’re not really looking at solutions to the problems. They’re just talking about them and focusing on them. And again, whatever you focus on is going to expand.

So if you’re constantly being refocused on your problems and things that aren’t going well, of course you’re going to feel like shit. So that’s why it’s important if you’ve got a therapist, make sure you’re with a therapist that also understands self-help and can get you focused on things to help you get better and help you be optimistic about the future and not somebody that’s just basically using you as a weekly annuity for their therapy business. You know, they’re supposed to be helping you get better and overcome whatever challenge that you have.

And unfortunately, there’s a high percentage of people that get into therapy and it’s just keeps them stuck there. It keeps them stuck in the doom loop. So like I said, you got to get out there and mingle with other people. Because if you just sit at home, what are you doing? You’re focusing on what you don’t have. You’re focused on the fact you don’t have a girl, you don’t have many friends. You have nothing to do. Well, if you focus on that, anybody focusing on that, it’s not going to feel very good about themselves or their life.

Again that’s why if you’re one of those guys that’s struggling like that, a gratitude journal and doing that for the first five minutes every time you wake up can really make you feel better. It’s a great way to start the day, because now that you’ve trained your brain, when you first get up to look for reasons to be grateful throughout the day, you’ll find other reasons to be grateful and happy. And if you’re focusing on reasons why you have to be grateful and happy and optimistic about the future, you’re going to feel better than you will if you’re just ruminating over your problems.

Because again, the thing that people that have depression all have in common is they’re constantly ruminating on their problems and things that aren’t working in their lives instead of the solutions and what they should be focusing on. And if you’re busy taking action towards your grandiose goals and dreams, you’re going to feel a hell of a lot better than just constantly ruminating on your problems.

I’ve been considering moving, since I live in a place that’s cold seven months of the year and people mostly stay indoors. I’d love to live somewhere warmer with more people and hopefully meet others who are more like-minded. I’m a musician, creator, and very introspective, so these types of connections can be a little harder to find.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Well Dude, Nashville, Tennessee, if I were you, go spend a week or two there, maybe a weekend if that’s all you can get away from your job. But I would travel to Nashville because if you’re a musician, that’s like the heart of music at this point. There are guitar players, there are singers. You can find other people to go and hang out and jam with, and you’ll find other people that are like minded that move there, just like you potentially move there. So if I were you, as soon as you can get on a plane and go to Nashville and spend a week or two there and just lose yourself in the music scene.

Because, you know, I’ve been to Nashville a few times and that was what was cool about it. It’s like every single bar and restaurant, it’s like everybody’s got like a little stage set up for music. And it’s just because there’s so many musicians there, the music industry is big there and it’s a great place to hang out. It’s a vibrant city, lots of cute girls there. There’s a vibrant nightlife. There’s just a ton of things to do. And so if you’re like living in the middle of nowhere where it’s fucking cold and there’s not a lot happening, that’s understandable because you’re inside all day long.

If you’re inside by yourself, what are you doing? You’re focusing on yourself, what’s not working in your life, and you’re ruminating over your problems, which is going to make anybody feel depressed if you do that. So if I were you, I would hop on a plane and get to Nashville as quick as you can and check it out. If you can stay there for a week or two, get an Airbnb downtown where all the action is, and just hang out and go talk to the other musicians there. Tell them where you live and what you’re doing, and you’re considering maybe moving there, you know. And then maybe if Nashville doesn’t light you up, maybe New York or LA.

You know, I would if I were you, when your mission and your purpose is first and foremost in your mind, is what city do you love the most? Do you feel the right vibe with when you’re there, and it’s going to give you the greatest possible chance to succeed and reach your full potential in your music career? Like I said, me personally, I would say it would be Nashville, but like I said, there’s a big music scene in New York, also in LA as well. Those are the big ones that come off the top of my head. And that’s what I would do if I were you.

Just take a trip for the weekend, flying out of town, spending a weekend in Nashville or LA or New York and just see how you feel. And once you get there, see what it’s like talking to other people. And if it lights you up on the inside, then do what you need to do to get a job there and move there. And because as a man, you’re always trying to optimize your life. You’re trying to improve your body. You’re trying to improve your health. You’re trying to improve your career or your business. You’re trying to improve your social circle. You’re trying to improve your social activities and hobbies and things you love doing for fun.

So anytime you can change your location of where you live, that facilitates you doing more of what you really love and enjoy, you just optimize and improve your life. And of course you’re going to feel better. And of course you’re going to feel excited. And of course you’re going to feel more optimistic about the future. Again, life happens when you move. Stagnation happens when you die. So if you’re feeling like shit and you don’t feel like you’re making progress, then you need to get up off your ass and go take massive action. And you want to be productive doing things you don’t want to just be busy organizing your sock drawer.

You want to get out there and do things with other like minded people and do things that are fun and exciting, because that’s what makes life fun. Because at the end of the day, it’s not going to last. We’re all going to fucking die. So what are you okay going to your grave having not done or experienced before you croak? Steve Jobs used to get up every day, and he would look himself in the mirror and he would say, if today is going to be my last day on earth, would I want to do what I’m about to do today? And he said, when the answer was no too many days in a row, he knew he needed to change something in his life. That’s definitely something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.