What you should do if you are having successful dates, but they involve plenty of last minute cancellations & flakey behavior.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for the past two years and has read, How To Be A 3% Man, ten times so far. Recently, he met a woman on a dating app who he set and had to reschedule several dates with her before actually going on dates she kept.
After their second date that successfully concluded with a session of the indoor Olympics, when he tried to set up a third date, she told him she wasn’t in the right headspace to date. He wished her well and told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. He asks my opinion on how he handled everything. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve been following your work for 2 years now, and have read your book 10 times. Thanks for helping me change my life around. Since finding your work, I’ve been on countless dates and have a better understanding of women, but always looking to improve and learn from my mistakes.
Well, the important things in life are to have fun and to try to learn something. That should be your two goals in every situation, whether it’s business or professional. You want to try to learn, because as you learn, you gain wisdom that can inform your future decisions, and therefore you make better, more efficient decisions in the future that help get you from where you are to where you want to be a lot quicker.
I’m writing you to get your opinion on a recent situation. I recently met a girl on Hinge who liked one of my photos. We chatted, and I quickly got her number and got off the app. We set a definite date, but she cancelled a few nights before.
At least she brought up rescheduling. If a woman cancels and then doesn’t bring up rescheduling, typically she’s not that into it. And what you’re looking for is enthusiasm. So, a girl that really likes you but something came up, (because it’s going to happen), and she has to cancel but she brings up rescheduling, meaning she actually wants to see you, it’s just something really did come up.
But when they cancel and they don’t mention anything about rescheduling, or if you bring up rescheduling and they won’t do it, it’s just a sign of low interest. And you’re looking for enthusiasm. You’re looking for somebody that when you make plans with them, they’re excited to make plans with you. They’re not hemming and hawing, “I’m not sure. Maybe. We’ll see.” They’re definitely, “Oh, hell yeah. I’d love to go out with you. I’d love to spend time with you. I’d love to go grab some beers or drinks or whatever.”
I mean, think about when you ask your best friend to hang out, you’re like, “Yeah, let’s go grab some beers. Let’s do it. Let’s do this, let’s do that. It’ll be fun. Can’t wait. Looking forward to it.” That’s typically what you get. But if you’re asking a chick out on a date and she’s not really excited, don’t waste your time or money. It’s just not worth it.
When asking to reschedule, she said she’d know her schedule better the next week. I followed up once later next week, and we set a definite date.
So, typically what I’m going to do in this situation, you’re also kind of trying to make it easy for her to be flakey. In other words, reveal the flakey behavior. Because if it was me and she’s canceling, “I’ll know my schedule next week,” we had plans and that shows a lack of enthusiasm.
If she was really excited and she has to reschedule, she’s going to know what her schedule is, but instead, she kind of leaves it up in the air. Now, why would she leave it up in the air? Because she doesn’t really care one way or another if she has plans or not. Women who really want to see you and they’re remorseful about rescheduling, they’ll have their schedule figured out. And if they don’t, the best way to handle it is to just say, “Alright. Well, when you figure out your schedule, get in touch.”
I personally would not have followed up with this, because you’re seeing a lack of high interest. Even though he successfully hooks up with her, ideally, what you’re looking for, is someone that’s really into you. Because even though you hooked up with her, now that she’s kind of disappeared and because of what she said, he feels kind of crummy. So for me, I’d want to eliminate the tire kickers and the time wasters completely.
If you’re not serious, if you’re not interested in romance, go away is my attitude. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to deal with people that waste my time. There’s lots of people that would love to spend time with you, the people that are close to you, girls that really like you, and you’ve got to weed them out from the people that are just wasting your time, or they’re looking for a free meal, or they’re just bored, or they’re looking for some attention and validation for the night.
The date was on one of the lounge floors at my building, and we had great chemistry.
It’s cool that it’s close, so he didn’t have to really travel or drive anywhere. It makes it easy. The logistics of sex — it makes it really easy to hang out, have fun and hook up at his place, because they’re close by.
I let her do 70-80% of the talking, and she was laughing at all my stupid jokes.
She seems interested.
We kissed after we went up to my apartment, after I said, “you need to get it over with and kiss me right now.”
If I had a dollar for every time you guys have used that line from my book. It works, it works. It’s a good one, simple but effective. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
We started taking it to the bedroom and did everything but sex, I was a little nervous and couldn’t get it up.
Well, that’s why you should have been prepared ahead of time. There’s an article in my book called “How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms” to help you with that little challenge. So that should eliminate those kinds of problems, but then again, if you drink too much, you did to yourself. The coach can only do so much.
The next week, I texted her about 4 days later to set up the next date. We set definite plans, but the morning of she texted me asking to reschedule, as she had an early morning and wasn’t up for drinks at the bar we were supposed to meet at.
A girl with really super high interest would have made you a priority, because she doesn’t want to risk screwing things up. She doesn’t want to risk screwing up the schedule. When she’s willing to jerk you around or reschedule with the potential that she might not be able to see you at all, it just shows a lack of really high interest and enthusiasm, even though things seem like they went fairly well on the last date.
She offered to reschedule (good sign), and we set a definite date for two days later on that Tuesday night. We had drinks, I asked her to come to my place, and we had a successful session of the indoor Olympics.
Hang out, have fun and hook up. So far, so good. It’s also possible that she was like, “Hey, it’d just be nice to get laid but not look for anything serious.” Because we’ve always got to look at what happens. Guys think, “Oh, we had sex, so that must mean eventually we’re going to be in a relationship.” Girls like sex too. Sometimes they just like to hook up, especially if they think they’ll be able to hook up with you and not have any drama or consequences or not get grief from their friends about it.
Funny anecdote, when asking her to come to my place at the bar, she said “Sure! I wasn’t planning on it this time, as I think I overstayed my welcome last time.” I responded with a quick James Bond smirk and said, “I have no complaints.” She texted me about an hour or two after she left my place saying she had a great time with a smiley face.
So, this is where he definitely made a mistake. All she’s doing is texting you, “Hey, I had a good time,” and he’s mistakenly thinking, “Oh, she reached out, so I must set the next date.”
The next morning, I used that text as an opportunity to set the next date the following week.
That’s too much too soon, bro. All she was doing was saying after she left, “Hey I had a good time.” I would have responded, “Hey, I had a good time too. Give me a call in a few days or reach out at the end of the week,” or “Keep in touch throughout the week,” or say something trying to encourage her to reach out.
The idea is you’re going to start the ball rolling by doing a little bit of pursuing in the beginning and setting dates, but as she feels more comfortable and her interest goes up, she’s going to start reaching out. So, you made the mistake of taking a “Hey, I had a good time” to thinking, “Oh, now she’s ready for the next date.” Big mistake.
The day of this date, she asked to cancel, because she said she was “not in the right headspace to date.” I responded with “Sure, is there something that gave you the impression that things were moving too quickly, or that made you feel uncomfortable?”
Yeah, you’re not going to get a straight answer to that. You’re going to get an answer like, “Oh, nothing you did. It’s not you, it’s me” kind of explanation, because she does want to hurt your feelings.
She said not at all, but was too busy right now in life to be dating. I said no problem, reach out in the future if you change your mind.
My question to you is, women will make doors open for you if they are interested. In this case, was she purely just not interested?
I’d say she was interested, but her interest was low. If you look at her actions, constantly canceling dates, jerking you around, “Well, hey, if there’s nothing better.” Maybe she’s still in love with an ex-boyfriend or a guy she really liked that it wasn’t going anywhere with. And then, who knows, maybe he got in touch and things look like they’re advancing a little bit.
But the one critique I see was, after the first cancellation when she’s like, “Oh, I’ll know my schedule next week,” I would have just said, “Oh, okay. When you figure it out, get in touch,” because you want to see mutual enthusiasm. I want a girl who really wants to go out with me. I don’t want to go out with a girl that she’ll go out with me, maybe sleep with me, just because I followed up and set a date. I want a girl who’s got enthusiasm. I’m used to that, I require that.
I’m not going to go out with a girl that’s like, “Eh, well, I if I’ve got nothing better going on, I’ll go out with you.” It’s like, I don’t think so. Not at this point in my life. You can save that for all the beta males that are orbiting. I’m not interested. If there’s not mutual enthusiasm, I lose interest really fast because it sucks. You’ve got to put too much work in, and you’re looking for somebody that really wants to be with you, who’s genuinely excited about you.
Part of loving yourself and valuing yourself and having a healthy self-esteem is learning to recognize when it’s just simply not there. And in this case, it’s been pretty obvious from the beginning that the enthusiasm wasn’t really there. And so, the biggest mistake was trying make that. I mean, she still might have flaked regardless, but the fact that he used her good night texts mistakenly thinking, “Oh, she wants to see me again,” and trying to set a date. And then she bounced on him again with the “Hey, I’m not ready for anything.” It just seems like she was bored, looking to get out.
Maybe there’s another guy in the picture that she likes more, and you’re kind of back up attention and validation. And if things progress with the other guy, she puts you on the back burner, kind of speak. You look for somebody who’s really excited to spend time with you, and it is just simply missing all the way through this email. Granted, he still got laid and he can say, hey, he got he got some free box. How is that a bad thing? But I mean, look at all the grief. Look at all the cancellations, planning, expecting the date to happen, and then cancellation at the last minute. It’s doesn’t help you emotionally when those things happen. It’s not a plus, it’s an annoyance.
And so, in in my mind, the way I look at things is, I want to eliminate the annoyances with low interest, or no interest, or girls that have got other guys in the picture. It’s like, I don’t want to deal with that. I want somebody that really wants to get to know me and I really want to get to know them. And if the enthusiasm is not there, I’d rather stay at home and twiddle my thumbs or read a good book. It’d be a lot more fun than going out with somebody like that, because you’ve got to make an extra effort to keep them entertained, engaged in the conversation.
It’s so much more fun when it’s easy and effortless and the other person makes a genuine effort to keep the conversation going, because when they don’t, it’s kind of like, what’s the point? Why? You’d have more fun with yourself than somebody you actually have to work to be around. Definitely something to think about. But overall, hey, it was a success. It was a victory. Another notch for you. Congratulations, bro.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“People who like, value and appreciate you make it easy to spend time with them. People who take you for granted, don’t appreciate you and who have low interest make it difficult and often impossible to get together. Only make a continued effort to see people who make it easy, effortless and fun to be together. Spend time with people who are good to you, good for you and good for your soul. Give the poseurs, users, losers, takers and fakers the gift of missing you, permanently.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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