Talking About Your Feelings Too Soon Turns Women Off

Why talking about your feelings too soon turns women off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has followed my work for about three years. He started dating a female life coach and he thought she was the perfect woman. Then he went to an intimacy retreat with her and vomited his feelings all over her.

Two weeks later she dumped him for reasons that didn’t make any sense. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer, not a great student. He’s been following me for three years, but yet he says he’s gotten through 3% Man five-ish times, so he just hasn’t spent the time with the material.

He met a girl a while back on OkCupid, the dating site, and she turns out to be a new age life coach. He said she had a real long profile about compassion and honesty, 100% transparency. Basically what he did was he got involved and he, in essence, made her or put her in charge of the relationship. They went to this couples retreat after a few weeks of dating and it’s pretty in depth. You’re supposed to talk about your feelings and this and that, so he just goes along with everything. About two weeks after they get back, he’s thinking, “Things are so amazing.” She dumps him and she gives them a bunch of reasons why she dumps him.

The reality is, she lost attraction for him because he violated principles in the book. It looks like what he did was like, “This girl is a life coach, and she’s different than all the other girls, so I can just treat her differently. I’ll just do what she says and I’ll talk about my feelings and my emotions,” in essence, acting like a woman because society encourages this, even though this is not a guy thing, and what it ends up doing is it ruins the sexual polarity like it did in this particular situation. So it’s a good email to go through.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve followed you three years and have listened to your audio-book five-ish times and continue to come back to it. I’m in my mid 40s. 

That’s half ass, bro. You got to participate in your own rescue. You got to take your life and your success seriously. When someone’s like, “Yeah, I’ve been following you for several years and in this case, three years, and he’s barely got through the book five times, that tells me he’s just half-assing it, cherry picking for tips, he gets into a relationship with a woman he really likes and it goes all squirrely on him because he doesn’t know the material. Since he didn’t know the material, he made a lot of mistakes that are totally avoidable because it’s detailed in the book, but he didn’t follow instructions. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

I met a cute, sweet and very sensitive lady on OkCupid, a new-age life coach who had the longest profile ever about compassionate honesty, 100% transparency, aligned intentions, embodies growth mindset, all sorts of therapeutic buzz words. To be fair, I am somewhat into this stuff.

Just the fact, compassion and honesty, 100% transparency, that’s kind of like somebody that’s always talking about, “I’m a Christian. I’m a good person.” It’s like, they’re trying to make up for something, so you have to take that with a grain of salt. When you see somebody that talks about how honest they are, usually they’re trying to make up for something. So those are just some things to pay attention to.

We started off well. Some yellow flags: She over-verbalized a ton of boundaries and expectations on touching, kissing, monogamy-only and I thought, “Whatever. I can deal with some of this…”

So she sounds a little structured. She got all these rules. It’s easy going, easy to get along with, that’s what you want. Not a girl who’s a pain in the ass and says, “Hey, look at all these hoops. Jump through them. Be my clapping seal. Be my dancing monkey.” I don’t think so.

…And she tracked everything I said like a hawk and immediately flagged something if it didn’t line up…

Sounds like an attorney.

(“You said XY on the first date, but now you’re saying X, Y and Z”)

Regardless, there was a warm, deep, trusting connection right off the bat and I began to let myself fall for her faster than normal, thinking she could be the one (I didn’t tell her this).

You got a little dopey pedestal there and you didn’t know the material very well. So he starts violating all kinds of principles from the book.

I’ve dated a lot of women in the last year and I usually keep a close guard on my heart. She felt different…

Were you listening to your feelings instead of your logic?

You got to remember, your feelings are influenced by what you observe in the culture and in the media. You got to remember, especially with movies and TV shows, you’re being emotionally anchored to dysfunctional behaviors because they use music that elicits emotions, they use sound effects that elicits emotions. If they’re presenting a dysfunctional archetype and you get emotionally anchored to it without realizing it, you become brainwashed and hypnotized.

Whatever you observe, you participate in. If you’re constantly consuming any kind of media and TV shows, you’re consuming dysfunctional archetypes that teach unnatural ways for men and women to interact with one another that just simply ruins attraction. “Regardless, there is a warm, deep, trusting connection.” Right off the bat he, “Fell for her faster than normal, thinking she’s going to be the one,” so he’s pedestalizing her.

The long-term path seemed crystal clear for me whereas with most others it’s just like sexy time, puh-pow! 

So he’s like, right off the bat, she’s the winner, “I’m going to give her the Stanley Cup.” He barely knows her. People can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship, and she’s showing you some flags in the beginning that she’s a structured pain in the ass. Women that are typically a structured pain in the ass, when you pedestalize them, you go along with everything to be a pleaser because you don’t want to lose access to the box.

Around the 10 week mark, she invited me to a self-love, intimacy and sexuality workshop in the Northern California for the weekend that she had been to before many times (There’s several different levels).

Are you exclusive or are you boyfriend/girlfriend? That’s barely two months of knowing her, and you’re going to go hang out with a bunch of strangers and just bleh, bleh, bleh, vomit all the worst things about you. Is she head over heels in love with you at this point? Probably not.

Clothing is optional during the workshop after the first few activities.

Yeah, I want to see some other fucking dude’s hairy ass flopping around in the hall. Come on…

Hey, whatever floats your boat. People are freaks. I can’t be judgmental, but like, that’s just really a lot eeally soon. I can understand after six months, a year or two, but she sounds kind of like a hippie, and she might be a little bit of a feminist. She sure seems to be running things.

It’s really about healing, expressing love and vulnerability; It’s not an orgy. 

So I assume that means that people are fucking as part of this. It’s like that stuff, I like to be private with my girl. I’m not voyeuristic, but I know people that are freaks. Hanging out with a bunch of strangers and you’re having sex and people potentially can film it with their smartphones. I’m sure it’s like no smartphones allowed, but what if somebody sneaks one in there? Like, I wouldn’t want to do that.

I would think usually if it’s at a resort or something, there’s cameras everywhere. Why would you want to do that? That’s a very public display of affection. So if everybody’s getting naked, that tells me whoever’s running it likes, in essence, having a big orgy.

Maybe you’re not sharing your partners. I don’t know what goes on there, but it sounds like the people that are putting this on are a little kinky, a little hippy-ish free love-ish kind of like stuff from the 60s. Sounds like your girl’s into that.

My concern wasn’t the nude part, but the thought of having to openly share all my lovey-dovey feelings, insecurities and vulnerabilities with her before we’d even shared our, “I love you’s…”

See? She wasn’t even in love with him.

…It’s still a new dynamic. What if she doesn’t like what she sees/hears and heads for the hills? 

Well, at this moment you basically say, “Hey Coach your book, it’s a Frisbee, bro,” and went right out the window. What are you going to do? You’re violating principles. Lots of them. If you’re ten weeks in and she’s not head over heels in love, you want to know where it’s gone? Talking about your future, I wouldn’t be going to a retreat like this. I’d be like, “That’s kind of cool, but I’m not ready for that. I’d like to work on you and I and bonding a little bit more before we go and get our freak on and get naked with a bunch of strangers. It’s great that you’re comfortable with it, but I’m not comfortable. I don’t know you well enough yet. I don’t know these people. I have to think about that. I want to see how things go between us.” You got to give her something to work towards. Instead, you’re just like, “She’s the one Coach,” bleh, bleh, bleh, as you vomit all over her.

That’s what happened. She headed for the hills two weeks after. 

Yeah, because she realized that you were way more into her than she was into you.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Women like you more if they think they’re way more into you than you are into them. When you communicate the opposite, like our boy did here, which is violating every principle in the book. Like I said, he’s like, “It’s a Frisbee Coach, I don’t need this. I’m going to skip it on the ocean.” What are you going to do? You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a drink.

During the workshop, it felt like we did deeply connect…

You were all up in your feelings and you weren’t paying attention. Again, you turned the book into a Frisbee and you tossed it out the window.

…I said some things during the activities like, “I am so lucky to have met you,” and “I’m pouring love into you.”

Oh boy.

It was sincere, but it was also the common vernacular around us at the workshop. But something began to feel off. 

Yeah, because she wasn’t feeling that. What are you going to do? I tell you what women like and you’re like, “Oh, it’s a life coach. I’ll just let her be the man.”

Afterward, she claimed it wasn’t my lack of masculine energy or vulnerabilities that I shared at the workshop…

“No, no, no, it wasn’t that.”

…But some of my ADHD behaviors and, “Temperament differences” (I crinkled a plastic bag and woke her up, lost my blanket/pillow for a moment, jumped out of bed too quickly in the morning). This is stuff that happened in our cabin, not within the workshop itself.

It’s like she’s just picking at things. She’s irritated because she doesn’t respect you, so she’s needling you, she’s picking at you and she’s telling you things that make logical sense, but at the end of the day, women don’t give a shit about how great a guy you are or how vulnerable you are and how much you talk about your feelings. The only thing they care about is how they feel about you. By the end of the workshop that she invited you to, and you took my book and turned it into a Frisbee instead of really taking it seriously and learning it, you basically talked her out of liking you and she lost all respect for you, obviously. Or I should say, a lot of respect.

It was our first overnight together.

Yeah, it was way, way, way too soon.

Her daughter has ADHD and she said that would be just too much to handle…

It’s not the ADHD, bro. He acted like a bitch and she treated you like a bitch. That’s what happened. She lost interest. You turned her off again.

Women only care about how they feel about you. You did everything she said she wanted. You went to the retreat, you embraced it with open arms, you went, “Boy, I’m so lucky to have you. Your Highness.” These are like core principles from the book, and you just completely threw it out the window. Probably because you didn’t even remember it, because you didn’t take the time to learn it, you lost all self-control, you stopped applying the principles that were in the book because you didn’t know them, and he cherry picked and he got burned. Cherry picking leads to situations like this.

…And she didn’t feel like I was being 100% transparent about everything at all times.

This woman is insufferable.

(Some parts of my life I told her piecemeal prior to workshop)

Again, she’s just picking. She doesn’t really know. She doesn’t understand this. Most women don’t understand how attraction works or why they feel the way they do or don’t, for that matter. The bottom line is, she wasn’t feeling it after your retreat.

Lastly, she said my grandpa jokes turned her off.

Because her interest is low at that point, so none of your jokes are going to be funny, even if they are good jokes. Again, she’s just picking at you. These are the kinds of things that cause men to question themselves and who they are because they’re listening to women guide them on how they should be as a man, instead of just understanding this is just hippie nonsense.

Her points seem relatively picky compatibility things that could be corrected.

Again, it wasn’t the stuff he said. It was her feelings, her attraction and respect for you dropped. These are just the excuses because again, she doesn’t understand what’s going on internally. All she knows is that her feelings are not there. She didn’t feel the same way about you that you did about her. Again, this is a principle right out of the book, but you didn’t listen.

We had what seemed like lots of emotional compatibility. There was this deeper, loving connection that I hadn’t felt with any of my recent exes…

Again, you got hypnotized by your feelings. If you really, really learned the book, and then you sit there, you think about your behavior and how you felt, you would recognize that you’ve been emotionally anchored to dysfunctional behaviors you saw in the media. Even you’ve been brainwashed. In essence, we all have. It happens to all of us.

Whatever you observe, you participate in. That’s another reason why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. If you’re no longer reading the book and you’re still consuming all of this media, well you’re rewiring your brain to dysfunctional ways. You’re undoing what the book is trying to help you accomplish. Which, quite frankly, when you behave the way the book teaches, it’s natural. It feels natural. That’s why women can’t help themselves. They can’t help but feel attracted to you because they’re attracted to certain male strength characteristics. When you go and you act like an overly emotional woman at a retreat, of course she’s going to be repulsed by this. She wasn’t in love with you at that point. You don’t do group dates. You don’t do group events until she’s head over heels in love with you, but you were violating principles from the beginning. That’s why even at week 10, she never said, “I love you,” because she wasn’t in love with you. She didn’t feel it. Ten when you puked all over her your feelings, she’s like she wasn’t feeling the same thing.

…But she seems to be the type that expresses warm, deep, loving energy to everyone in her life. 

Did I just get duped by a love bomber, thinking that the rules of sharing my feelings of love too quickly didn’t apply in this situation?

Again, you threw the book right out the window from the time you met this girl. Plus, you really didn’t know it because as you said, you hadn’t been through it in a long time.

Did she subconsciously realize that once I was surely in love with her, the challenge was over? Or are her compatibility reasons legit?

Thanks,

Bob

The compatibility reasons sound nice, but the only thing that matters is how she felt about you and you turned her off. You acted like a girl, that’s why she lost interest. She’s not going to tell you this. She’s not going to be able to tell you this. Even though she’s a life coach, she doesn’t understand this. Most women don’t understand how attraction works. They give you their opinion or what they think or what society has taught them, but when you behave the way women tell you you should behave, which is especially the feminists and everybody on the left is like, “Talk about your feelings all the time. Women love that.” No, they don’t love that.

Here’s another example of a guy doing what all women say they want, and yet he gets rejected two weeks later. That’s what happened, man. I’m sad for you, but you didn’t listen, you didn’t learn, you didn’t put the time in with the material. You half-assed it, so now you’re one of those guys that’s dealing with the sting of rejection that could have totally been avoided. It’s also possible that she’s a lunatic hippie, overly structured. It just seems like you went along with everything that she wanted, you never stood up for yourself, you never like, “I’m not ready for that. I think that’s cool and everything. I think it’s great that you like to go to nudist retreats,” and in essence, have an orgy because it’s an orgy. Some people may have been sharing partners, I don’t know, but if you got a bunch of humans, men and women having sex in a room together, that’s an orgy.

You can say, “It’s not an orgy, Coach.” It was an orgy. You went to an orgy. You went to a hippie orgy and you put this girl, a hippie, in charge of your relationship, and where did it get you? She didn’t like being made the man in the relationship, so she tossed your ass to the curb. Didn’t matter what a good guy you were, or how much work you had done on yourself, or how much you confessed your feelings, the bottom line is it ruined the sexual polarity and you turned her off. This is so predictable. This was 100% going to be the outcome of this when you threw the book out the window and put her in charge of made her the man. Women don’t like it. They say they like it, but when you actually do it, it turns their stomach. Again, this is why you don’t ask women for help in relationships, because they’ll take you down the path of destruction.

If you haven’t subscribed to our Members Only content on YouTube, in the description, if you’re watching this on YouTube, there are links where you can subscribe on my website to the Members Only content. You can subscribe on Spotify if you prefer to follow the content on Spotify, or you can follow the Members Only content on YouTube.

What do you get for the Members Only content? I’m doing six additional video newsletters per week, in addition to the normal five free ones that I do. Plus, we’ve got the 3% Man Study Group with me and the girls. Next week, I believe, we’re going to start releasing Mastering Yourself Study Group, where we’re literally going through the book, page-by-page and going over everything that the girls come up with, things they are challenging me on, things they really liked, things they want to discuss, whatever. So it’s really an in-depth discussion of the book, and we’re like seven or eight episodes now, and we’re still like on page 65, I think it is. So when we get through the book the first time, there’s going to probably be 25 or 30 episodes just in our first read through. Then once we do that, then we’re going to go back through and do the whole thing all over again. I’ll have everybody re-read the book because the idea is 10 to 15 times, so I want them to learn the material backwards and forwards and be able to discuss it so we give you guys additional content to help you learn it.

Plus, we’ll have the podcast where I do viewer questions with the girls. Normally we just, you know, we’ll film 12 to 15 at a time and then we release them as individual videos, the individual questions, but you guys have been asking for years, “Where can I watch the whole podcast with all the whole film session?” So we’ve got those for you there. Obviously we got the study groups on 3% Man and Mastering Yourself, and then there’s also other videos that will be exclusive Members Only content there.

So again, in the description below this video you can subscribe on YouTube, you can subscribe on Spotify and consume just the video content. If you also like the email analysis that I do on my website, you’ll get all the email analysis with the Members Only content. If you sign up on the website to view the Members Only content there, you get a 25% discount if you pay the whole year up front. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, subscribe to the Members Only content there. You can click the plans tab, which is going to be at the top of your screen. If you want to see what the premium content is, just click the premium tab because everything that’s Members Only content on my website has a blue premium label attached to it. So you can see all the stuff that we’ve got there.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.