Tests Vs. Red Flags

How to know if you are being tested vs. your woman revealing red flags about flaws in her character or values.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was watching a movie with his girlfriend. In the movie, the wife revealed she cheated on her husband and wanted to leave the marriage. Then, the husband revealed he had been cheating with multiple women. The wife threw a temper tantrum.

The viewer who wrote the email said his girlfriend sided with the wife and agreed that it was okay to cheat on her husband since the marriage was already over. He didn’t like her answer and let her know it. She was cold after that. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I wanted to share a chat about values that randomly came up with my girlfriend last night while we were watching a movie. In that movie, a wife ended her relationship with her husband right after she cheated on him. When she brought it up, the husband admitted that he had been cheating on her as well, but for a much longer time. The wife then threw a tantrum, grabbed a vase, threw it on the floor and broke it into pieces.

I commented, “I think she shouldn’t be reacting like that. They’re both wrong, and their relationship is clearly messed up. She should have just walked away.”

My girlfriend then said, “I understand her. She just slipped once, and she decided to end their relationship immediately. Her husband, however, was maintaining a long-term affair and neglected her for many months. It’s not the same thing.”

I said, “Her husband is definitely wrong, I agree, but if she was not happy about their relationship and thought it was beyond salvage, then she should have just ended it before sleeping with another guy, don’t you think?”

She said, “When you’re married for many years, you need a very good reason to leave. I think her affair made her realize that it was over, and she ended the relationship immediately, so it’s okay.”

But at the end of the day, she’s still cheating on her husband. Despite the fact that the husband was a serial cheater and liar, she did it once. But it’s interesting that his girlfriend is like, “Hey, it’s okay to cheat, because that’s what it took for her to realize it was over.” I don’t agree with that at all, and it shows a character flaw. And so, you may be listening to that and going, “These hoes ain’t loyal, Coach. They ain’t loyal!”

I said jokingly, “Are you really serious about this? Or are you just siding with her because she is a fellow woman, (with a smirk)?”

She said, “I’m not saying I would do this myself, but I understand where she is coming from. Why, are you going to leave me tomorrow because of that?”

I said, laughing, “No, come on. But I have to be honest, I’m quite surprised and disappointed that you think this way. These are really not my values.”

I love that statement, dude, because you’re stating where you’re coming from, and whether you realize it or not, you’re setting a healthy boundary. You’re communicating to your girlfriend, that’s not the right thing to do. Because as you told her, she should have just left the marriage if she was unhappy, not gone and cheated. Regardless of whether the husband was cheating or not, two wrongs don’t make a right. Just because the husband was cheating doesn’t mean it’s okay.

And I don’t think, at least it wasn’t revealed in the email, that the wife knew that the husband was cheating, because she threw the vase, so she got upset. But the fact that this guy’s girlfriend justified that… I mean, granted, she can understand where the woman’s coming from, but the the wife acted totally out of integrity.

Because in her mind, the husband, as far as she knew, was being loyal and faithful. That’s why she got so upset, threw the vase and broke it everywhere. So, what it reveals is the thinking of your girlfriend that, hey, if you’re not happy, if you’re looking for a reason to end the marriage and you already know it’s over, then it’s okay. That’s basically what it sounds like.

The conversation ended there, and she was cold with me after that. Was this a red flag? Or a test that I failed?

Well, it’s definitely a potential red flag. It could be a yellow, weren’t there yellow flags in soccer? I don’t remember. But I’d say it could be a red flag, it could be a half-raised red flag. Maybe it needs more clarification. And you guys should probably talk about it again in the future and you make it crystal clear, “It seems like you think cheating is okay when you’re not happy.” Just because she came around and said, “It’s okay that she cheated just because that’s what it took for her to realize that the marriage was over.”

People who have integrity just simply aren’t going to do anything like that. Like I wrote about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” I wasn’t happy in my marriage. I should have never married my wife in the first place. She was great, and I had an opportunity to have an affair with somebody I really wanted to have an affair with, but I had integrity. It wasn’t the right thing to do. Imagine if we had gotten found out. It would be horrible, it’d be embarrassing.

And so, for me, the right thing to do was to leave, because that’s what men do. They honor their commitments. They don’t do something out of integrity. Because if I was to have had an affair, then that would show that I have no integrity. And why should any of my subsequent girlfriends have ever trusted me if I would have cheated? It’s just, those are my values. My values are loyalty, and I’m not going to violate an oath or something that I commit to just because it’s the right thing to do. Kind of common sense.

I’ve read the book more than 10 times, but it’s hard to know which is which sometimes. She claimed before that she had never cheated on anyone, and based on her interactions with her friends and business partners, I can see that she values loyalty and responsibility very seriously – hence why I was quite surprised by her answer.

Please let me know what you think!

Take care,

Bob

Well, I’d be surprised, too, because she’s excusing having no integrity. She’s excusing cheating because of special circumstances. But, like I said, it’s definitely going to need another conversation if I were you. You need to make clear to her why you were bothered by that, so she understands. Because your girlfriend is basically excusing cheating and being disloyal. And if she’s somebody who is claiming how loyal she is, when you see this example, she’s like, “Oh, well, that’s okay.” So, in other words, cheating is okay under certain circumstances?

And you should also tell her, when they asked men and women what’s most important, the number one thing with guys is loyalty. Versus somebody that excuses disloyalty because of extenuating circumstances, in essence, the wife wasn’t happy, so she went and fucked somebody else. Unbeknownst to her, her husband had already been cheating on her anyway, so that just shows to me that at least a character in the movie had no integrity.

And the fact that your girlfriend saying, “Hey, it’s totally okay, because for whatever reason, the husband was cheating.” Her justification was the marriage was broken anyway. It was like, that was the impetus for her to end it. Okay, well, she had an affair, she knew it was time to leave. And that is definitely not okay. So, I’d have that conversation.

And this is why you date for a long time. See how she behaves. You don’t have enough data to blow the relationship up over this, but it definitely warrants another conversation. And you really need to watch her actions and her words and see if you catch her doing things that show a lack of integrity. It’s like, what’s her family background? What is her parents’ relationship like? Were they loyal and faithful to one another? Are they still loyal and faithful to one another?

That’s why, especially when you get into the relationship, these things are going to come up. You’re going to meet each other’s family. You’re going to get to know and you’re going to spend a lot of time with them, typically, unless they don’t have a good relationship with their family. But if you’re dating a woman who comes from a good family, you’re going to get to know her parents and her cousins and aunts and uncles really well.

And so, these things are going to come up in conversation, and you’ve got to think of yourself as Sherlock Holmes. If her parents, one or both of her parents, cheated on one another, like I said, where would she learn loyalty from? And it’s always going to be from whoever raised her. So, if the parents were loyal and she’s been loyal to all her previous boyfriends and people she’s been involved with business wise or socially, there’s a good chance. But at the end of the day, you don’t really know.

You’re not going to get 100% one way or another. It just depends on the person’s value system. Do they live up to the value system? Because a lot of women who are liars and cheaters say they value loyalty and they want to be loyal, but when extenuating circumstances come along, they cheat anyway, because they really didn’t. That’s why you always look at somebody’s actions.

Right now, we don’t know. We can’t make a decision. So, have another conversation with her about it, preferably after you’ve just had great sex and you’re laying naked in each other’s arms, and watch her. Watch her closely. I hope you’re not engaged or planning to get married any time soon. Take your time with a woman like this and see. See if other things don’t match up, because you don’t know what you don’t know yet.

So, if you’d like to get my help personally, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“The most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty. The reality is that many women also value loyalty, but don’t have the integrity to live up to that ideal. When vetting women in the dating and courtship phase, men should make sure a woman’s actions actually match her stated values and, most importantly, that she has a family background and upbringing that instilled these values. Projecting one’s values onto another, while ignoring the fact their actions are not a match, will lead to unnecessary heartbreak and pain when fantasy meets reality.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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