Textbook Date, Then Ghosted?

Some potential reasons why a first date with a woman that goes really well ends up with her ghosting you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shared a textbook great first date that ended in the indoor Olympics at her place. He stayed the night and she asked for a second date. He told her Friday, and she told him she’d get back to him the next day to make sure she could get the day off, which she did. She texted him a couple of times over the next two days and then completely ghosted him and never made their date.

He asks, what could be the reason. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is a pretty common thing, especially with the younger people. They just ghost you. And the other thing you’ve got to look at, she’s on Tinder. It’s kind of the paradox of choice. She may have an ex in the background, there’s lots of other dudes on there, maybe the sex was bad. There could be a lot of reasons, but at the end of the day, she just disappears. And as a guy, you have a connection and you’re thinking, “What the hell?” because you don’t know what’s going on. She doesn’t communicate, she just totally disappears and ignores you.

And with the advent of the cell phones and texting, it’s pretty common, especially on the dating apps. If somebody’s got too many choices, especially if it’s a girl that is just sleeping around and doesn’t really have any loyalty to anybody, if she finds somebody she likes better, she blows you off without any remorse. But it shows the character, because character is destiny. And even though it stings for this guy that this has happened, these are the things you have to go through.

In the old days, back when I was growing up in the late 80s, early 90s, you’d call, you’d leave a message, and you just didn’t get a call back. It’s like, okay. Occasionally, you might get stood up for a date, especially if you’re supposed to meet somewhere, but if you knew the girl, you’d be driving to her house. So, the likelihood of you showing up at her house and her not being there, that would almost never happen.

And now, with digital devices and texting and messaging apps, it’s just really easy, especially with women that have no character, no integrity. And that’s just a shitty thing to do to somebody, just to blow them off when you make plans like that. You could at least text and say, “Hey, I’m not going to make it.” But just to completely ignore somebody? And then to have the potential of them – especially in this case, because you stayed at her house – showing up at her house for another date.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach, 

I met this girl on tinder, and our conversation went so great that I decided to ask her out on a date. I live in London, and she lives 2 hours away. I was in a traveling mood, so I took the coach to her. I blew her socks off and she blew mine. She did around 80% of the talking and I kept asking her open-ended questions and was genuinely interested in her. 

We went to a few restaurants and bars and explored some parts of her city, and we both had an amazing time. I was focusing on hanging out, having fun, hooking up, 2 steps forward, 1 step back and making her smile and feel comfortable. At one of the bars, I decided to make my move. All of the attraction signs were there, and I could tell she could not resist me anymore, so I said, with a smirk on my face, “You know, you can stop torturing yourself and just kiss me already,” and then gave her a playful wink.

So many guys literally use that line, word for word, out of my book. Cracks me up. I still have yet to get an email from somebody going, “That’s from Corey Wayne’s book!” You can at least put it in your own words. Hasn’t happened yet. Out of all the millions of copies that are out there floating around, I find that interesting.

She blushed, looked down and back up at me, gave me a huge smile and we’ve both moved in for the kiss.

Everything sounds great, so far.

Later, we went to her place and the indoor Olympics were on. 

She brought up seeing each other and I went along with it. The next morning, we had breakfast at a nearby restaurant. She brought up seeing each other again.

This is her idea. Even though you’re on a date, she’s like, “Oh, I want to see you again. Can’t wait to see you again.” With something along those lines, you’re like, it sounds normal. At the end of the day, everything looks good. You’ve just got to bottom line the actions, because talk is cheap. People talk a lot of shit.

There could be an ex-boyfriend that she just broke up with and was just devastated over and told you nothing about him. Or there was a guy she really liked, and then it went sideways. And she gets back on Tinder, meets you, you hook up, she’s trying to get over the other guy, and then all of a sudden he comes back in the picture. These are just the things you have to contend with in the dating world.

So, I checked my schedule, told her I’m free next week, Friday evening. She said she was working that day and would see if she could have that day off. If not, she would still be able to make the date. I told her to take her time and tell me which day works best for her. We kissed goodbye, and so the next day comes. She texted me a “good morning handsome” text, to which I said, “Good morning sweetie. Give me a call when you’re free.” We spoke on the phone no more than 6-8 minutes, made definite plans for Friday, 6:40 pm and hung up.

So, if you’ve already been to her house, you know where she lives, you spent the night there, definite day, definite place to get together and a definite time – that’s what a definite date is. Not just saying, “Hey, we’re going to get together at 6:40 p.m.” And so, if it was me and I had already been in the house and spent the night, I’m going to go to her place, picking her up, and then we’re going to go wherever from there.

Just the fact that she knows you’re coming to her place helps ensure that she keeps the date. But if you’re meeting up somewhere else, or you just said, let’s plan on 6:40, but you didn’t really nail down a place to get together, that’s being a little sloppy. But I can’t tell from what you said here if that’s what you actually did. Because definite plans are definite day, definite time, and a definite place to get together.

And in this case, I would have been planning to go to her place. Because, who knows, maybe you hook up before you go out. It’s totally possible. Maybe she jumps in your arms, she’s really excited to see you, you hook up, then you go out and have some fun. Then you come back later, hook up again, spend the night, get up in the morning, you’ve got morning wood and have morning sex.

She initiated contact the 2 following days, and I tried to keep the conversation short and off the phone. There were three more days until our date night, and we haven’t contacted each other. Thursday, about 2 pm, I shoot her a text telling her that she could keep one of the Polaroid pictures that we took and if there is a way to duplicate it. Comes Friday, date night, she still didn’t respond.

Obviously, that’s not a good sign. And on top of that, it’s just fucking rude. Absolutely fucking rude. This guy was beating up her pelvis just a few days earlier, spent the night at her house, had a great date, had breakfast the next day, and then to just completely blow somebody off like that, that just shows the girl has zero integrity. She belongs to the streets! It’s just rude.

More than likely, she’s probably missing a father in her life. She wasn’t taught integrity and how to treat other people, probably spoiled little brat. Probably a ratchet chick, on top of that. But, I mean, at the end of the day, if you look at her actions, those are not the actions of the kind of woman that you’re going to have a good relationship with. That’s just somebody that’s rude and selfish, narcissistic, probably grew up without a dad, probably had no boundaries growing up. She’s a little bit of a tyrant. And on top of that, she gets on Tinder, which just blows her ego up even more, because there’s just thousands of thirsty dudes throwing their dicks at her all day long.

She ended up ghosting me, completely. I gave her a call and a text asking where she was, no answer, and I haven’t texted her since. 

So again, just a little bit of critique. I’m not sure if you actually had a definite date, because if you had a definite date, there would have been no reason the text her. I would have just showed up at her house at 6:40, when you had the original date. But again, he didn’t really give those details.

Being a 3% man, I have to take responsibility, so I think, she got upset that I haven’t texted her.

Well, you guys had just been talking a few days before, and you actually did text her, but she ignored you. And so, if she’s texting you two days in a row and then you didn’t text or initiate any kind of texting for a day or two, and then she gets pissed off at that and says, “Oh, I’m going to ghost this guy,” what does that tell you? She’s insecure, she’s kind of a nut. And so, she took herself out of the running.

And again, that’s why you apply what’s in “3% Man,” so you can weed out the nuts and the lunatics and the insecure girls, the ones that get butt-hurt and upset. You want easygoing, easy to get along with, good communicator. Ideally, she loves her mom, loves her dad, has a good relationship with her dad. She had a good, healthy family. The family has integrity. Women like this, that come from a good family, just simply are not going to treat people this way. Women who behave this way, this is what a ratchet does. This is typically something that comes from a broken home and has no integrity, and that’s the way they’re going to treat you. And unfortunately, there’s a lot of them out there.

There’s a lot of people that came from messed up backgrounds and messed up homes. Whatever father figure is in her life was probably constantly disappointing her, she’s probably pissed off. But it also could be that a boyfriend came back in the picture. But either way, she could have at least said, “Hey, can’t make it. Something came up.” Or, “Hey, my boyfriend and I are talking. We might get back together. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll get in touch.” A woman with integrity would have let you know. She wouldn’t have just completely ignored you.

To go from being very affectionate to this, what did I do?

Like I said, maybe the definite date, not having an actual place to meet, but it’s hard to tell. Maybe the sex was bad. Maybe a boyfriend came back in the picture. You don’t know.

I want to communicate and work it out, what do you think?

Bob

At the end of the day, if we take a step back and get beyond the emotions of what a shitty thing it is to do to you – which, obviously, it was a very shitty thing for her to do – what do her actions communicate? Her actions communicate, fuck off. That’s what they basically mean. Fuck off.

I’d delete her number and move on. If she ever reaches out, I’d be like, “Who’s this?” It’s like, “Oh, we had a date planed, and then you ghosted me. You are absolutely rude, and I don’t appreciate that. I want nothing to do with you. I date women that have integrity.” I’d chastise her. I would not give a woman like this a second chance, because as Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” So, if she acts like a ratchet, guess what? She gets treated like a ratchet. So, she’s now in the ratchet category.

It sucks, but if you’re going to be on dating apps where women just, quite frankly, have all the leverage, this is what you’ve got to deal with. You’re going to have a higher instances of these kinds of things happening. And that’s why I prefer in-person connections, because you can feel it. You can feel that energy, you can feel that connection, and it’s unmistakable. And other people observing when you have a connection with somebody else can see it and they can feel it as well.

That’s why I personally don’t participate in that part of the dating world, just because of dealing with ratchet people like this. I like to deal with people who have honor and who have integrity, who say what they mean and mean what they say. I have absolutely no use for people that are bullshit artists, that will tell you all kinds of flowery things and then not follow through on any of them. It’s important that the people you allow into your inner circle have integrity and treat you well. Because when you continue to stay involved with people like this, you’re telling the universe, “Send me more of them. Those people are okay, I’ll take them. I’ll put up with it.” I just would never put up with it.

That’s how I would handle it. But, like I said, the only thing I could think of, maybe the sex sucked, maybe a boyfriend came back in the picture. But, at the end of the day, the chick’s a ratchet because of the way she treated you. Therefore, she has permanently disqualified herself, and I would never get together or see her ever again. Even if she reaches out as apologetic, there’s no excuse for treat another human being that way. She’s going to go through life, she’s going to get burned, and she’s going to have a tough life because of it. That’s on her. You can’t outrun karma. So, karma will catch up with her, eventually, and you can take solace in that. Just get out there and keep grinding, on to the next.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.