Texting After Setting A Date

How to handle getting unexpected texts and calls or requests to change your plans from your dating prospects, even after you’ve already set a definite date.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for two years and has read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, 20-25 times. He has experienced great success with women and dating in that time, but recently he’s noticed some of the women he is setting dates with are still texting and calling, even after setting a date.

Some have tried to change plans and others end up cancelling, and he is concerned the text exchanges are causing the cancellations and he’s worried that he is doing something wrong that is leading to canceled dates. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This guy says he’s had a lot of great success so far, but he noticed recently that when he’s setting dates, even though they may be two, three, four days in the future, these women are intermittently texting and calling him. And some of them, even after he’s made definite plans, have turned around and canceled the date. Others are trying to change the plans at times. And so, he’s bothered by the fact that he’s getting so much communication, even after he set a date, because he believes that these text exchanges with these women are leading to loss of attraction, canceled dates and lost interest.

Part of the problem is most people are just way too impatient. They want everything right now. And because they want everything right now, they don’t like waiting on an unknown event that is going to happen in an unknown period of time. And so, all you really can do, just like when you’re trying to accomplish a big goal or a big dream — whether it’s starting a business or moving up the corporate ladder to get that job you really want — success is a process, and you have to go through the process, through the repetitions, the failures and the successful repetitions in order to grow, to learn enough and to get to the point where your dreams and goals actually manifest.

And so, you’ve got to stick with the process, because the worst thing that you can do is settle and get into a relationship with somebody that you’re really not into. Or what I see a lot when I do phone sessions with guys is they’re getting into relationships with women that have no integrity or whose goals and values are not aligned with theirs, and they just have a hell of a time. Even though they might have my book available to them, they’re just having a hell of a time trying to get things to go easy and effortlessly.

Because, usually when people come to me that are already in a relationship and they’re having a challenge, like I had a guy I was talking to recently, he had been with his wife about 30 years and had several kids together. And they met when they were in college, and so, they were college sweethearts. And what was interesting was that his wife was having an affair. And unfortunately, I do a lot of phone sessions where this happens to be the case. And so, as far as this guy knows, this was the only affair that had happened. But what was interesting was that when he confronted her about it, she blamed it on him and said it was his fault.

And he was trying to decide, is it worth trying to save? Because they’ve got a lot of kids together and they’ve got a big family, but she’s basically got a boyfriend now and has moved out, got her own place and is living like a single woman, which happens a lot in our society. And so, he’s trying to decide, “Do I give her a chance and work it out, or do I just go and file for divorce?” And one of the things that was interesting is that, as I was talking to him, he ended up telling me that when they started dating, she revealed to him that she had basically cheated on every single guy she had ever been with, every relationship.

Obviously, if back then, 30 years ago, he would have had a book like mine, which obviously didn’t exist at the time, he would have known never to get involved with somebody like that, because once a cheater, always a cheater. And so, here we are three decades later, and she’s a cheater. And so, the question I always pose to guys in this situation is, this is how she’s going to react when she’s not happy. She’s just going to basically go and screw somebody else behind your back and then blame you for it, just like she did with all those other guys.

And he made the mistake of thinking, “Hey, she really likes me, I’m different. I’m a better guy than those other dudes were. She would never do that to me.” And the reality is she did do it. People don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of who they are. And so, she became a pretty decent mom in that time and apparently was not cheating. I mean, who knows, she may have been cheating on him consistently. I’ve had phone sessions with guys that are are with their wives 30 years and have four or five kids, and half their kids aren’t even theirs. They’re the next door neighbor’s or their best friend’s.

And I remember one of them, he was he was sitting there looking at his best friend, and his son was sitting next to his best friend, and he’s thinking, “Man, my kid looks more like my best friend than me.” Turns out, it wasn’t his kid and he had no idea. And then when he finally left his wife, it’s like, everybody came out of the woodwork. She literally slept with every guy he knew. She slept with their neighbors, his business partners, all of his friends. And it was pretty common knowledge amongst everybody that knew them that she was a bit of a nympho. I mean, she was sleeping with everybody. They were together for almost 30 years, and he had no idea.

A lot of guys I’ve talked to, they had no idea that their wife was having an affair, and then they find out and they’re shocked. But when I asked them these questions about their history, they’re like, “Oh yeah, well, before we met, she cheated on everybody that she was ever with.” It’s like, well, you shouldn’t be surprised. So, in that situation, you can either stay with her, give her another chance and just know that if you fall off the wagon, so to speak, and you get busy with business or whatever it happens to be, or you go through a difficult time, she’s going to go fuck somebody else. And you’ve got to decide whether or not you’re cool with that. And if you’re not, then the only thing you can really do is divorce her and go find somebody better.

So the goal obviously, especially with this stuff, is to become better at screening out your prospects. Make sure that, based on what kind of relationship you want, that the person you’re involved with shares the same goals and values. Because otherwise, you don’t want to be 30 years down the road and then find out that half your kids aren’t even yours and that your wife is a nymphomaniac. And a lot of guys find out that their girlfriends that they’re so in love with have cheated on everybody that she’s ever been with. They think, “Oh, I’m going to be different,” and then down the road, decades later, they find out, “Nope, she didn’t didn’t change. She treated me the same way as all of the other guys.” It sucks, but that’s life.

So, hopefully those watching this can help prevent that from happening in their own lives, because it’s expensive, it’s emotionally draining, especially if you’re in some of those states where the laws are all slanted in the woman’s favor. You know, the guy just gets raped in divorce court. It’s horrible.

Viewer’s Email:

Good morning Coach,

I am a 29-year old teacher and coach, strong in my masculinity, goals, passions, and dreams. I have been a follower of your work for 2 years now and have read your book, How To Be A 3% Man 20-25 times. I also watch your videos daily and often tag them or make playlists for myself based on the topics.

Well, obviously, you’re a good student. And good students who read the book and go through the repetitions tend to do well.

I have had great success meeting and dating (casual and serious) women since finding your work. I had hit rock bottom, but as you say, one must have something drastic happen to change your course of action.

So, it’s true, because guys don’t change until they recognize that the way they’re showing up is not working for them.

I digress, over the past two months there seems to be a trend changing for me and my dates, and I want to get your take on it. I will get a girl’s phone number, call her, set up a definite date, time, place, location, and confirm it with it with her by repeating it back to her just like you teach. My next step is to continue going about my life, pursuing my dreams, passions, and career until that date happens.

So part of that is, I mean, if you think about it from this perspective, if you make plans with your best friend, or your parents, or somebody that’s close to you, or a client that really wants to meet with you, they’re going to make plans, and they’re going to keep them, and they’re going to be excited to see you. Women that have high interest in you and that really like you, same thing. They’re going to keep those plans. They may even text you or call you on the day of the date just to say “Hey, are we still on for tonight?” That means that they’re really excited to see you.

Now, the lower a woman’s interest is in you and the more she’s got guys in her life, there’s several guys in her life, the more you’re going to start to see behavior where they might try to change the plans, or move things around, or change the venue where they go, or try to cancel the date at the last minute or push things off. And so, that’s what you’re doing. It’s like, you’re giving them several days in between the time you set the date until you have the date to see what she does with it.

And a lot of guys look at this and think that, “Hey, I just hope this girl keeps the date and wants to see me,” and that’s just not the right approach. You want to make sure she’s invested in you. In other words, she’s enthusiastic about seeing you. Because why would you want to spend your time with somebody that’s not really excited to see you and doesn’t value the opportunity? It would be much better to find somebody else who really wants to be with you.

And so, by following the strategies that are in the book, it helps reveal who’s really into you and who’s not. Who’s just looking for a free meal, to have her ego stroked and some attention and validation from you, and who is wasting your time. So, you make sure that you spend your hard earned money and your time only with women who are actually worth it. It’s part of the pre-screening process. And a lot of guys get all emotionally invested in the girl and they project their fantasy of what they want onto the girl, and they ignore the fact that she’s jerking them around and she’s taking extra long to reply.

If you text a girl and she always waits until the next day to text you back, she’s not that into you, or she’s doing it on purpose trying to jerk you around. Women who are nice, who are easy-going, easy to get along with and who really like you and really want to see you, they’re not going to do that bullcrap. And if the girl is really hot and she’s doing those things, you’ll tend to look past it.

But the key is to have emotional self-control and notice those things and not go, “Oh, it’ll be fine,” just like the guy going on a date with a girl he really likes and she’s cheated on everybody she’s ever been with. And then they later get married, and then 10, 15, 20, 30 years later, he finds out she’s had multiple affairs, thinking, “Hey, she’s going to change.” It’s like, you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

However, many of these women reach out the next day or at some point between when I set the date and have the date, saying, “Hi, how’s your day?” or “Just caught myself thinking about you and how excited I am for our date!”

Well, if you’re getting texts like that, that’s actually a good thing. It shows that she likes you. But also, the thing to keep in mind, women that are insecure are going to tend to text you a lot as well. And that can help tell you a lot about the woman. Because if she starts getting upset, especially if you’re taking your time to reply and she’s getting butt hurt, do you really want to go out on a date with a girl that’s going to be insecure? Because the more she gets emotionally invested in you, the more she’s going to be a pain in the ass to deal with because of her insecurities.

So there’s good reasons, there’s several reasons why, obviously, you set a date several days in advance to see how she behaves. Is she excited to see you? Does she send you a nice text like this? Or is she insecure and get mad and butt hurt right away? Is she trying to change the plans at the last minute? Have you agreed on a venue to meet or a place to go, and she wants to change that around? These things are all good intel that you can use to determine whether or not she’s a good prospect.

And in business, you use the same thing. You’re trying to make sure you’re spending your valuable time with prospects who are ready, willing and able and open to buying your product or service and eliminate the tire kickers. And that’s what this process does. It helps eliminate the women that are just tire kickers, they want something from you, they want a free meal, it’s better than staying home looking at the four walls. It helps you not waste your time.

I feel slightly obligated to text them back, not right away, but a little bit later, so I’m not blowing them off or being rude. 

Dude, you’re doing exactly what you should be doing. Because when you take your time to get back to them, maybe in a few hours, maybe you were in a meeting. You can’t just stop what you’re doing if you’re in a meeting of 20 people and a girl is texting you going, “Hey, how’s your day going?” You can’t do that. So you’re going to wait three or four hours, or whatever happens to be, until you get some time. “Hey, great to hear from you,” and then text back whatever it is you’re going to text back to her.

Now, two or three hours later, if you haven’t responded and then you get a second and third text and she’s going, “Fine. Obviously, you’re ignoring me,” and you get one of those kinds of texts, well, that tells you she’s kind of insecure. It might be a lunatic, and it might be better just to go ahead and cancel that date. Because you want to have your life as a drama free zone?

For example, I set a date with a girl for Wednesday on a Saturday afternoon. She texted me the next morning, “Cannot wait to meet you Wednesday,” with a blushing emoji.

That seems like a pretty good text. It shows that she’s got a high level of interest. It also could mean she’s really incredibly insecure. We don’t know yet. But more than likely, that seems like a good text that you want to see. In other words, you want to see enthusiasm. You’re going to spend your hard earned money and time with this woman. You want somebody that appreciates it, because women that really like you make it easy to be with them, and that’s what you’re looking for.

I was busy doing my Sunday morning things, so I texted her back around noon, “That’s great to hear! Busy morning for me, I woke up early to get some work done, had church, and Sunday school to follow. Wednesday will be here before you know it!” She replied with, “Love that!” and that was the extent of our communication until she called me that evening to say hi and to try and switch the date.

Women do this, try to see how compliant you are. In other words, women that really like you and have super high interest aren’t going to try to switch the date. Women that have several other guys and her interest in all those guys, including you, might be about the same, she’s going to see who she can jerk around the easiest, because that helps her determine which guy is the least dominant, and therefore, move him to the bottom of the totem pole, so to speak, in her dating prospecting pool.

I told her I can’t switch it because that’s the only night I have free, but if she is unsure of her schedule, we will just have to do it another time.

Perfect response, right out of the book. So, what he’s doing right now is called the takeaway. He’s trying to determine, “Does this girl really want to see me? Does she really value that, or not?” Because if she’s not that into it, she’ll be like, “Oh yeah, let’s do it another time then.” And then now you just saved a headache, you saved wasting your time and you saved your mind.

She said, “No, no, I will make that work.”

So, obviously, she wants to keep the date, because she’d rather not miss out on the opportunity to see him, because he’s like, “That’s all I’ve got open. I won’t be able to see you otherwise.” It’s kind of like the limited time offer. It works in sales. If you don’t act now, if you don’t call within 24 hours and get your $19.99 widget, or whatever it happens to be, prices are going to go up tomorrow! It works, scarcity creates value.

So, my question is, how do you handle texting or calling; from her to me, before a date but after definite plans have been set?

Dude, keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing great, you’re doing it textbook. But I like the fact that you wrote in, because you just want to make sure.

I’ve also had it happen where the girl has flaked in the time between too.

Well, that’s a good thing when a woman flakes, because it means she really wasn’t that excited about seeing you. Again, why spend your time, especially if you’ve got one or two nights a week to go out on dates or spend time with friends or family or whatever, because you’ve got a busy career and all these other activities in your life, that’s not a bad thing. If she flakes, it means she wasn’t that into it. Good, now you don’t waste your time.

And that’s the whole reason why you set these appointments, you set them several days in advance, and why you answer their text exchanges the way you do. Because if a woman’s not sure about you and she’s comparing you to two or three other guys that want to go out with her, and you handle things properly, you display more dominance than the other guys, and therefore, she feels more attraction to you. She becomes more submissive, more enthusiastic about seeing you, and starts to like you more, and starts to jerk around those other guys and test them more. And then as they’re flailing and chasing her, they literally drive her right into your arms, which makes things easy and effortless.

I feel like the texting is dropping her attraction, even though I’m not instigating it.

Well, the girl that that flaked on you, again, she really wasn’t that into you. And you did everything textbook. The techniques and strategies that are in the book are working as designed, because what you’re trying to do is eliminate the tire kickers. So the girl that flaked, awesome. You got rid of a tire kicker, saved your money, saved your time. That’s great. That’s what you’re looking for.

The girl that kept the date, that’ll be fun to go out on that particular date, because now when you actually see her, she’ll be even more enthusiastic to see you and meet you and be even more flexible for you to seduce her and do naughty things to each other that you don’t tell your parents about.

Thanks again for all your work and knowledge.

Regards,

Bob

So dude, I think you’re doing great. You’re probably second guessing yourself a little bit, but it’s good. It’s good to always question everything. Confucius said, “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.” And so, he’s having things happen, you know, obviously you don’t want girls flaking on you. You don’t want girls trying to change the plans of the date, because it shows lower interest. You want real enthusiasm. And so, it’s good that he’s questioning, “Did I do something wrong?” And I’m saying, man, you did everything textbook. And so it’s just indicative of the interest of these particular women that you’re interacting with. It goes up and down, so it ebbs and flows. So, I think you’re doing great.

If you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” or my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” you can read them both for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. And if you’d like to get my help, maybe you’ve got a situation that you’re racking your brain over or you’re emotionally distraught over it, maybe trying to get an ex back, or fix things with your wife, or things with your girlfriend have gone sideways, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“The purpose of dating is to find someone who really likes you and has enthusiasm for making and following through on plans to see you, and that you feel the same way about. The harsh reality is that most people you like and have interest in won’t feel the same way and make the same level of effort. The key is to remain objective and not let your emotions override your judgment when you really like someone who is not reciprocating. Rejection tends to breed obsession, and we tend to become more emotionally invested in people we have to work harder for. However, great connections that are easy and effortless where you have total emotional, physical, mental and spiritual alignment typically only happen 1-3 times per decade. Great relationships like great friendships are extremely rare and hard to come by. Most people tend to settle for mediocrity and being average. When the right person comes along, you will know it instantly and they are definitely worth the wait. Great things take time.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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