When you should text a woman after your first date, when you should chase her, and when you should back off to create attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who has had three separate women text him right after the end of their first date thanking him for a great time. He says he followed what he heard in a video newsletter I did many years ago called “Texting After Your First Date” that really didn’t apply to his situation.
He never got a second date with any of these three different women, despite the fact that they showed signs of high attraction. I discuss what he should be doing instead that will give him a better chance of getting second dates in the future. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experiences. Your book is truly life changing! My question is about what to do when a girl texts you right after the first date.
I’ve seen this question a lot over the years. If she texts you right after the date, I would typically respond, “I had a great time too. I hope you have a great night. Call me later,” or something along those lines. What you’re trying to do is facilitate her feeling comfortable, because if she reaches out after you’ve just dropped her off, that’s a good sign. That’s a sign of high interest.
My recent dates actually went really well, thanks to your book. It’s a great motivation when you see the progression.
That’s the key. This is a progression. You’re trying to learn these things, and the only way you learn it is by getting better. The average guy, when he screws it up with a girl he feels is everything on his list that he wants, it can be another 3-5 years before he finds a girl he jives with and it feels effortless.
When you meet a girl who blows your doors off, the average guy is thinking, I’ve got to text her more, I’ve got to do more, I’ve got to get her to like me more. What happens is, even after the date’s set up, the texting just continues, emojis and pictures are going back and forth, and as the days go by, her texting tapers off. Then the average guy thinks there’s something wrong, “What did I do? I must have upset her,” and then they start apologizing or they start texting more, and she becomes more distant.
Keep in mind, the average attractive woman has had this experience probably hundreds of times in her life, and women are going to test you in the beginning. They want to see what you’re made of, if you really dig them, you know what you’re doing, you’ve got your shit together, you’re not going to get butt-hurt, and you’re not going to get upset with them. They’re trying to screen out the stalkers, the guys that don’t know what they’re doing and the weak guys. If she’s really fucking beautiful, she’s going to have a lot of choices and a lot of options, and she wants to separate the men from the boys.
My buddy becomes a completely different person when he gets around a woman he really likes. I’m sure everyone has either had that experience themselves, or they have plenty of friends or family that they’ve seen when a beautiful woman walks in the room, the guy just fucking loses his shit falling all over himself. My buddy has met somebody who blows him away, and he’s losing his mind over it. We do this to ourselves. We totally mind-fuck ourselves. My friend says, “I know I’m gonna fuck it up.”
We were talking about the movie “Swingers” with Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn, and it’s a great movie because you see that. Jon Favreau’s character meets this girl he really likes, and he just totally fucks it up. And that’s typically what happens to most guys when they meet a woman they really fucking like. They just can’t handle it.
What happens to the average guy after that is they give up, they end up settling for a girl that’s just average, and they have a family with her. It just goes downhill after that. They’re not passionate about their life, they’re not passionate about their relationship, they have a family, they’re not really fucking happy, and they never reach their full potential. You slowly start killing yourself when you live this way. Life is a lot more fun when you have somebody in your life that knocks your socks off. It just makes our life experience that much richer and that much better.
Three of these girls texted me right after the dates; basically, thanking me for a great time. When that happened, I followed your advice from the video “Texting After Your First Date” by texting them the next morning to ask them out for a second date.
This is a video that doesn’t particularly apply to your situation, so that’s part of your first mistake. You don’t know the book well enough, and you’re looking for the perfect answer on how to show up on YouTube.
Even tough these girls showed high attraction, unfortunately I never got a second date with them. My latest date for example: A very beautiful and feminine girl. We instantly had a great connection. She asked me many personal questions, I let her do 80-90% of the talking. She was very talkative, which I loved.
That’s a really good sign. She’s really expressing a lot of interest. Personally, I like very outgoing women that like to talk. Part of having great women in your life is they remind you of how awesome they can be, so you don’t get discouraged and fucking settle later on down the line.
She touched me often, she played with her hair, we held hands, and we even made out four times during the date.
All good signs.
When I dropped her off, we kissed again, and I told her to “call me later.” She texted me about 30 minutes later on WhatsApp.
I replied the next morning, but a second date never happened. I honestly feel a bit pranked by that last text exchange. (I attached the whole conversation.)
This one really hurt, because she was everything what I had written down on my list.
You’re kind of misinterpreting what’s going on here, and you can kind of see it. You’ve got a bunch of emojis and pictures in there.
Jessica: I reached home. Thanks so much for the lovely time and to drop me back.
Bob: Hey Jessica. Sorry I missed your text. I had my phone on silent last night and passed out. But it’s great to hear from you. I have a great time. You’re a really awesome girl. I want to see you again. When are you free to get together?
So within 30 minutes of dropping her off, as soon as you walk in the door, you’re asleep. This kind of sounds a little ridiculous, almost like you did it on purpose. And that’s the problem. When you don’t know the book well enough, when you’re searching for the right answer, the right thing to say, or text or do, you act like a robot, and women can pick up on that. They’re not fucking stupid. It’s got to flow. It’s got to seem natural.
What I would have done in this particular case is text her back that night, because it was only 30 minutes later. More than likely, you probably just walked in the door or maybe you’re almost home at that point. I would have just said, “Hey, I had a really great time too. I hope you have a great night. I’ll talk to you later,” and I would have left it at that. Then, give it a couple of days, let it marinate. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
I often see guys confuse that she texted you at night, and now it’s time to set up another date. What you’re doing is delaying it to the next day, and then trying to set the date then. I wouldn’t have done it that way. I would have waited a few days and texted her, “Hey, I hope you’re having a great day. I wanted to see what your schedule is like coming up over the next week.” On average, most busy professionals have got maybe one or two nights a week tops they can get together for a date. And if you’re dating other women and you’ve got a busy social life, you’re not going to have a lot of openings, so sometimes you have to set dates up several days in advance.
Next, she texts back a simple smiley face with the halo over it. So she’s not answering right away. She’s not saying, here’s my schedule. I can tell, that’s obviously frustrating. You’re thinking, “Oh, she’s not setting the date right away. There must be something wrong.”
Jessica: [smiley with halo emoji]
Bob: That smiley looks very suspicious. Hope you won’t kill me now! (Inside joke)
Jessica: Killing slowly. [gif of woman with strange look on her face]
Bob: [gif of a dog with funny look on its face] I will go home and write you a 25 page poem as an excuse.
This doesn’t really make sense. Again, the phone is for setting dates. This is cool if you’ve been dating for a few weeks, but after you had one date, it’s a little too much back and forth. You’ll notice as I go through this, he’s texting her much more, and she’s only sending a few words back and forth. Remember, be direct, decisive, get to the fucking point, make the date. You’re a busy professional. You’re focused on your mission and your purpose in life.
Jessica: He-he [gif that says “Hump Day”]
Bob: Yeah, I forgot you have a dirty mind, Lol. How about we meet this Saturday… Want to check that place you mentioned.
Jessica: [gif of woman responding like “I don’t know if that’s going to work for me”]
Bob: [gif of an irritated dog face]
You can basically tell you’re kind of irritated.
Jessica: I tried to scare you. Please cry.
Bob: [gif of puppy passed out with his arm around a beer and a cigarette in his mouth]
Keep in mind, she’s not answering your question correctly. The other thing I’m noticing is that there’s an hour between the response times. She’s not texting back right away. Guys get kind of impatient. That’s another thing a woman will sometimes do on purpose to see if you lose your shit or you get upset or impatient.
Bob: Hope you’re having a great afternoon. When you are not sure about your schedule then why don’t we just do it some other time?
That response is kind of inappropriate and out of place.
Jessica: Yo, v will plan.
Bob: What does that mean, Saturday?
Jessica: Actually, I have a bit of priority shopping planned this week. I can’t confirm with you yet. Hope you can understand.
Bob: Alright. Let’s just do it some other time.
It kind of looks like you’re a little pissed off. There are some fun and playful things in there, but I can tell you’re a little fucking irritated. The idea is, when she says “I have a bit of priority shopping planned this week. I can’t confirm with you yet. Hope you understand,” you should be like, “No problem. Just get back to me when you figure out your schedule, and we’ll plan it then. I’d love to see you.” But instead, you’ve kind of communicated you’re fucking irritated with her. In your mind, you’ve already given up. This is just like my buddy who’s going, “I’m going to fuck it up.”
When you’ve never been out with and had a relationship with a woman who knocks your socks off, and you’ve blown it when those events happen, why wouldn’t you think that? You’re going to think after awhile that there’s something wrong with yourself. “This is how it always his. This is how it always works out. There’s no way she’s going to fucking like me.” It’s the way you perceive yourself.
Remember, people act consistently with how they view themselves to be, and it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not. I can tell by reading through your texting exchange that just like my buddy, you don’t have a high opinion of yourself. Therefore, you’re expecting to fuck it up. You’re expecting to get rejected. You assume the worst instead of thinking, “Well, maybe she just doesn’t know what her schedule is,” and be patient. Think from the end,”Of course she would want to go out with me.”
Shall I try to ask her out one last time in about a week?
If you hadn’t heard from her for a week or a week and a half, I would have tried one more time to set it up, but there’s just too much BS going back and forth, too many pictures, and too much not getting to the point here. I would have definitely texted her that night and waited a few days. You kind of fumbled the football. Your texting was kind of messy. But the big thing that went wrong is you communicated through your text and some of those pictures you sent that you’re fucking irritated with her, and that’s all it takes, because you’re not the first guy that’s gotten irritated with her.
I’m very confused. What is the best way to handle this situation? Do they think I play games by replying to them the next morning? (Which actually is, Lol.)
Yeah, there’s no reason to wait until the next morning when she’s texting you 30 minutes after you dropped her off.
Should I reply them the same evening and then wait 4-5 days to ask them out for a second date to let them wonder a bit more? Please help.
Yes, but it doesn’t mean you have to wait exactly 4-5 days. The idea is, it’s a guideline. You’ve got to understand that the average dude that’s learning this stuff, his problem in the past is he’s been too fucking impatient, he gets irritated and butt-hurt right away, and he communicates that. And the average girl has had a least a couple of stalkers, angry ex-boyfriends and guys who got pissed off. I don’t know where you met this girl, but if she doesn’t know you that well, and you’re already getting butt-hurt and pissed off trying to set the second date, you’re scaring her off, even though she had high attraction. That’s it, you’re out. You’re done. So it’s super important that you take your time and slow the fuck down.
You need to get in the flow. How would a professional person act normally if you’re busy, and you’ve got other things going on. Most people that work Monday through Friday jobs, their only free time is probably going to be on the weekends, or maybe a night during the week. So with that in mind, you should go out on one date per week.
The big takeaway from this is, the texting is messy, and you’re communicating in your texting that you’re fucking butt-hurt. It doesn’t take much to scare a girl away and communicate that you get mad easy. Whether it’s them or girlfriends they know, women have had enough guys and they know to recognize the signs that when dudes get angry and pissed off, that’s the guy women are terrified of getting involved with. You can understand why nothing happens and it doesn’t go anywhere.
The way you’re perceiving yourself, you’re talking yourself out of her liking you, and it was obvious. She displayed all the signs, playing with her hair, touching your arm, doing all the talking, texting right after the date. Those are all signs of high interest. But again, it doesn’t take much to screw that up, especially if she sees you get butt-hurt when she texts you and messes around with you. She was kind of jerking you around a little bit. She wasn’t getting right to the point and trying to make a date. That’s the important thing. That’s where being direct, decisive and getting to the point, making a definite date, definite time and a definite place to meet is what I consider a definite date.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“On average, really great women you have instant emotional, mental, spiritual and physical connection with, only come along every 3-5 years. These are the type of encounters that are effortless and feel like they were divinely orchestrated. However, the average guy who doesn’t know any better usually screws these magical meetings up by getting caught up in constant calling and texting that starts out hot and heavy, but slowly fades within the first week or two, which often ends with being ghosted. Most guys simply can’t handle a beautiful woman who knocks their socks off. They literally talk these women out of liking them by trying too hard, being impatient and rushing things. Just like in sales, you sell your prospect in person, not digitally over your mobile device. Women love masculine men who are mysterious and unpredictable. They fall in love slowly over time. Your electronic device is for making dates, not getting to know someone.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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