Why it’s never too late to become what you want to be, even if you are a 45-year-old virgin with limited romantic experience.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was brought up in a strict religious background where sex outside of marriage is frowned upon, and its members are encouraged only to date and marry those who share their religion. He got romantically involved with a woman who was married, but separated, and claiming she wanted out of her bad marriage.
However, after several months of dating and hooking up, she had made no attempt to finalize her divorce. When she didn’t leave her husband, he ended things and got back into his ultra conservative religion. Now she is dating and hooking up with other guys, but still has not finalized her divorce. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’m a 46-year-old English guy, brought up in a strict JW [Jehovah’s Witness] religious family. I’ve had lots of problems and never really fit in in either the religion or out of it, sort of been on the fence my whole life.
That tells me you weren’t really sure you believed in what you were taught, but if your whole family is involved, there’s probably a lot of peer pressure to make the same choices. That’s the interesting thing about life, no matter where you are, who you work with, who your friends are, who your family members are, every single person that you’re around wants to feel good about the decisions they have made in their own lives. In order to feel good about those decisions, we want to project that influence on everybody around us, because if we see the people around us making the same decisions we do, then we feel better about the choices that we made. You know the old saying, “misery loves company.”
You’ve got to be very careful who you’re spending your time with, especially when you start doing things outside of your comfort zone. You can imagine in this particular situation, this guy’s gotten involved with a married woman, and yet he’s supposed to have no sex until marriage, no fornicating, no adultery, anything like that. But at the end of the day, this is somebody else’s belief system he adopted, and if you look at his actions, it doesn’t seem like he jives with it. He seems to be kind of going along with things to please people and make everybody else happy. But is he really making himself happy by trying to live his life according to other people’s unreasonable expectations?
As for relationships, there had been none due to my religious upbringing with regular girls and no one within the religion due to me not being a fully Baptized member. We tend to try and date within the religion. I’m also nothing special in myself. I’ve had bad anxiety and depression my whole adult life. Some catch eh?
Every day when you wake up, it’s like you have an Etch-a-Sketch. You just shake it. Every day, the slate is wiped clean for us. You could have been a slacker your whole life up until five minutes ago. The only thing that matters is what you continue to do now going forward and how you’re showing up today. To get from where you are to where you want to be requires constant effort. You’ve got to have heart and you’ve got to have passion. If you’re not excited about what you’re doing or what you’re trying to achieve, as soon as you hit the first obstacle you’ll just quit and give up.
A few years ago, I had just about quit life, as I had my whole happiness wrapped up in being with a woman. I felt less as a man.
Honestly, when you get to be 45, that’s kind of understandable. Lots of your friends have probably gotten married and gotten girlfriends around you, and you’ve got a big fucking doughnut.
Unwanted. The professional wallflower!
Remember, we are all driven by our emotions, and we use logic and reason to justify our decisions.
Then a woman came into my life, a sister in law of a best mate! She is 3 years older and separated, but not divorced from a 20-year marriage. We hit it off, as we had been admiring from afar for many years! Things slowly progressed over some months until we sealed the deal.
Well, congratulations dude. I bet you felt a hell of a lot better after that — with a happy finish, pun intended.
You can imagine how nerve wracking that was for a 45-year old virgin!
It’s the same thing with a 20-year old virgin. The first time you have sex, you’re going to feel nervous about it. That’s understandable.
It went okay. I was learning relationship stuff every day. I am still naive to many things, but have just ordered your book, so hoping I can learn.
I’ve got people in their 60’s and 70’s that write me. They just got out of a relationship, and maybe they were a widower or whatever, and the last time they dated they were fucking teenagers, so you can imagine how nerve wracking it is for them to get started all over again. They’re not looking at it like, “Gee, I’m 70-years old. My life is over.” They’re going, “What can I do next? What can I create next?” You’ve got to have a compelling reason to get up every day and do what you do.
We were never together fully due to both our home situations, but snatched weekends here and there. I was pretty blissfully happy, and she was too! I felt as if I could achieve anything after a lifetime of apathy.
I talk about this in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” about how when you date a woman, especially one who knocks your socks off, and you’re happy and content as a man, you’re just going to feel better. You’re going to feel more confident. And you’ll notice, especially if your professional life had always been going relatively well, and your personal life was kind of mediocre and never what you wanted it to be, then after having read the book and implementing the things you learned in it, life gets better and you find yourself dating and in a relationship that knocks your fucking socks off. It really magnifies everything else in your life you’re kind of mediocre at. When one area of your life does really exceptionally well, it really is a magnifying glass to every other area of your life that’s not going so great.
When you’re happy in your relationship, and you’ve got a good woman in your life, as a man you expand more. You want to become more. You feel more inclined to work out, you feel more inclined to take care of yourself, you feel more inclined to take risks, you feel more inclined to go and get that big client that you were always hoping to get into your business or your client roster. You just feel better, you want more, you stretch more. Remember, masculine energy is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, and breaking through barriers. That’s what’s good about a good woman. Just naturally, by her being part of your life, you’re going to feel more confident and you’re going to want more. There’s always another level we can evolve to. There’s always another challenge we can take on.
I smartened myself up, worked out, and felt good. But something was bugging me. Inside, I was in turmoil. Adultery is a serious thing in the religion. Even though I was trying to push away my upbringing, it was always there. I asked if she would divorce, so we could move on. I explained everything about my turmoil. She seemed to be understanding, but the divorce was never at the right time for her over a year or so of us dating.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been talking to men and women when they’re in situations with people like this that are married and unhappy, and they’re supposedly separated, or they’re going to leave their significant other, but they never do. And it’s because you made the mistake of getting involved with a married woman. If she was really unhappy, she would have left, but instead, her strategy to fulfill her needs is to give you a sad story about her unhappy marriage, give you the impression that she’s maybe going to leave her husband, and then that way you give her what she wants, which is basically the sex, the romance, and the companionship that she’s not getting from her husband. It’s never the right time. There’s always something that has to happen before they get around to it.
The reality is, if the outcome for your personal life is an exclusive, monogamous relationship, you don’t date and get involved with married people or people who are supposedly in the process of leaving their significant other. Men and women who are in relationships and then start other relationships outside of relationship, that’s the hallmark of somebody who is insecure, selfish, narcissistic, and really doesn’t value loyalty, communication and commitment.
Men and women both think it’s going to be a great relationship once they leave that other person, but they’re ignoring the fact that they’re the other man or the other woman that’s facilitating this other person getting their needs met, in an albeit very dysfunctional way, but they never do anything to end the supposedly bad marriage or bad relationship that they really want to get out of. Look at what people do, not what they say. If you look at her actions, she’s still married to this guy.
If you want an exclusive, loyal, monogamous relationship, it’s just delusional to think that you’re going to be able to rip off some other dude’s wife, and she’s just going to magically be faithful to you one day. These are the kinds of things where you have to exercise emotional control, and just simply not get involved. However, for this particular guy, he lost his virginity. It was good for his confidence. Even though he’s struggling with what it means in his religion, the bottom line is, he expanded a part of himself.
So, one weekend we were at her sisters and my mates house, and I had a bit of an anxiety meltdown mentally. I had been okay since I met her. This had happened a lot over my life due to different triggers. I said the situation couldn’t continue, as she seemed to not want to get a divorce, and that I wanted to give my religion another try, as the turmoil of me living a double life was making me ill.
She was gutted. I hurt her deeply. We parted ways, but she remains married 6 months on, and has started dating other fellas again.
Big shock there.
I felt a kind of grief losing her like nothing I have ever felt, even though we were from two different backgrounds with different morals and values.
The thing you’ve got to understand is, she was never yours. You were just the guy she was fucking outside of her marriage. That’s reality.
She lied to me several times over some things I consider serious.
She’s a liar too. I am shocked, shocked I tell you! She doesn’t value loyalty. She doesn’t value honesty, so this is no surprise at all. She lies to her husband, she lies to you, and obviously the other guys she’s involved with.
I’m not perfect, but I value honesty immensely.
Well, from that perspective, your values don’t align anyway, so the kind of relationship you want, this woman just doesn’t have the values to support that. She’s not compatible from that perspective.
Looking back, I know we were not right for each other, but she was my first love, and I can’t help but still want her.
I’m sure you do, but the reality is, she’ll never be faithful to you. This is how she behaves when her needs aren’t getting met. She goes and fucks somebody else and feels no remorse for it.
We were so alike in many ways too, both a bit old fashioned. I’ve been in a dark place since we split, which gets stirred up each time I visit places we were together.
You have to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, and you tended in this particular case to see reality as better than it was. You ignored the fact that you were having an affair with a married woman who is a liar and a cheater. There’s no way she could have the kind of relationship that you give me the impression you’re looking for.
I know I should get out there and meet new women, but within the religion it’s a lot, lot harder than in the hedonistic ‘world.’
Well the reality is, you’re still a fucking hedonist, because you’re committing adultery in your religion. If I look at your actions, then that tells me you probably don’t really jive with your religion. You’re just doing it to please and make everybody else happy that is in your religion as well. You’ve got to ask yourself, at 46 years old now, are you happy living this way? Is this fulfilling your needs?
You’ve got to get some experience. I mean, waiting for your wedding night to have sex with somebody? What if they don’t like sex? What if sex is painful? What if she’s not very good at sex, and never gets good at sex? Do you really want to stay in a marriage with somebody like that, that’s unfulfilling? Because I’ve gotten plenty of emails from guys over the years that are in that situation. We test drive cars, and that’s what dating is — test driving a person to see if you want to put a ring on it or buy a relationship for life, if you will.
I’m at a point, I’m happier in myself with less turmoil, but deeply unhappy at having lost someone I foolishly thought could be the one.
Yeah, that’s a scarcity mindset that she’s the only one out there. She’s a cheater and a liar. There’s no way she could ever be “the one.” She’s not loyal to anyone other than herself and what she wants in the moment.
Did I say I was naive?
You didn’t have to.
Some days are very dark, and I obsess. Others are a little better. I feel as though I will never get over her.
With time, you will dude. See, this is another thing that by not dating and being involved with women, at 46 years old, it sounds like you’re experiencing heartbreak for the first time. That’s why it’s much better to do these kinds of things when you’re younger, so you can learn. You get burned, and you recognize “I’m probably not going to touch that hot stove again.”
I want her back, but I know I can’t have her!
Well, she was never yours to begin with dude.
We still message.
If you want to have a healthy, happy, monogamous relationship, you don’t message and you don’t get involved with women who are cheating on their significant others. Just tell her, “Hey, I’d love to chat, but only after you’re divorced and you leave your husband, because it’s not appropriate. I’m not going to be involved.” And stick to that. If you’ve got the balls to say no until she’s divorced, it may be enough to cause her, if she likes you enough, to actually leave and do something about it. But when you continue to talk to her and stay involved with her, you’re enabling her behavior. What are the consequences? You’re going to stick around anyway even though they’re cheating, so why should they end their relationship? You’re giving them what they want with no consequences.
My heart leaps when she contacts me. I try no contact, but don’t know my goals in this?
Well, your goals should be to find a woman who will be loyal and faithful to you. Being involved with a woman like this is just simply going to get in the way of you attracting somebody in your life. You want a woman who is ready, willing, able and open to having a relationship, and she’s none of the above. She’s just looking to fuck around on her husband and be with a guy that will put up with the fact that she’s still married and goes home to some other guy at the end of the night.
My mind says I can’t be with her and be totally happy, but my heart disagrees!
Rejection tends to breed obsession, and you’ve got to see reality for what it is.
I know if another woman showed me any interest, it would help, but at this time it’s unlikely.
It’s unlikely, as long as you stay involved with this woman. That’s why you have to force yourself to get out there, meet and interact with other women and other human beings, and force yourself to create a great life and lifestyle that’s fun, that’s enjoyable, that’s full of social activity you love and enjoy. It’s in the process of living and enjoying your life that you meet somebody unexpectedly, as they say, when you’re not looking for it. You’re having so much fun living your life, that it just happens.
But at the end of the day, you have to make the effort, even if it’s getting on a few dating apps just so you can be in the process, seeing some prospects and getting some matches and messaging with the matches. You’ve got to do something positive that communicates to the universe that you’re trying to find somebody. You want to find somebody. You’re putting in the effort.
The fact that you’re involved in online dating or going out and doing social things, hoping to meet somebody when you’re out communicates that you’re ready, willing, able and open to it. You attract how you act, and if you’re acting like you’re serious about meeting somebody, eventually you will. But if you’re doing nothing, sitting around and sulking over this, the vibe you’re putting out to the universe is that you’re okay being completely single and having nothing going on in your personal life, which just reinforces more of doing nothing.
Do you have any advice for this sad dude Corey that you could maybe share in a YouTube video?
Again, you attract how you act. If you want a great, healthy, happy relationship, act like a guy who’s making an effort to find somebody. Take some positive action towards that whenever you have the opportunity.
We make decisions based on our emotions, and we use logic and reason to justify those decisions. In this particular case, you’re focusing more on your emotions and kind of ignoring the reality of your situation. And remember, we can ignore reality, but we can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most people have many parts of their personal and professional lives that they are not happy with. However, they are not miserable enough to do anything to change their situation or alter their life trajectory in any meaningful way. The average person tends to major in minor things and never comes close to reaching their full potential. Our time is limited on this earth, and we all must decide what we are willing go to our graves having not achieved or experienced. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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