The Art Of Getting Out Of The Friend Zone

The art of getting out of the friend zone, so you can seduce her successfully.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl on a dating app a year ago who told him after the date that she wasn’t interested in dating. He deleted her number and moved on with his life. Last month, she reached out and they spent a few days together hanging out and having fun, but he never tried to make a move to escalate things romantically. It didn’t dawn on him until after she left that he had a chance to escalate things.

Now she is coming to his town once again and wants to see him. He’s not sure how to get out of the friend zone and what the next step is. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

You could tell from his email he’s worried about looking like a doormat and feeling like he’s got to prove that, “Hey, I’m not interested in being a friend.” But this is such a simple case. Typically what happens in these, because I did a video the other day about a guy who asked a girl out, and she said, “Well, I just want you to know that I’m only interested in friendship. I’m not interested in anything romantically.” And so, he had gone out on two dates with this particular girl, took her to dinner. I assume a nice place, probably spent hundreds of dollars on her in a couple of dates, and he didn’t even get a kiss on the cheek, because he’s respecting the boundaries.

So, the issue is that when you’re interested in romance, you’ve got to keep in mind, you’re looking for a woman who’s like, “Hell yeah! I’d love to go out with you. That’d be great. I’m so glad you asked.” That’s what you want. You want enthusiasm. You don’t want, “Ehh” or “I think of you as a friend.” When you hear a lack of enthusiasm, the self loving thing to do is you focus on your outcome. You want somebody that’s excited to be with you. And a woman who’s telling you up front that she only wants to be friends or is only interested in something platonic, you’re just not going to participate in that.

And so, you remove yourself from that situation. You politely decline and say, “Hey, call me if you change your mind.” And then, you move on with your life and continue to look for somebody that’s excited to spend time with you. And sometimes they come back around. This girl came back almost a year later, I guess about ten, 11 months later. And it doesn’t sound from the email, and you guys will see the same thing, like he really knows or understands the book. because what sailed right over his head is the fact that she got back in touch with him, spent a bunch of time with him, but yet he didn’t try to escalate things physically.

So, a lot of guys get themselves in these situations, especially with girls they’ve known for awhile. Maybe they were friends with her and she always had a boyfriend, and then she all of a sudden becomes single. And then, you’re still hanging out like normal, but now she’s available. So, it’s like, what do you do? How do you make a move? Do you have a talk with her? Do you puke your feelings up to her? These are the things that go through guys’ minds.

So, what do you do, and how do you make moves without risking rejection or a weird, awkward situation between the two of you? Especially if you have similar friend groups or peer groups, and everybody knows each other, you want to do things as tactfully as possible with the lowest amount of risk to yourself. And you want things to go well and smooth.

So, this situation is a pretty easy one for this guy, but it doesn’t sound like he knows the book. So, let’s see what we can do to enlighten him, because I know lots of guys, and I know when I was much younger and didn’t know any better, I had lots of situations like this.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Big fan! A subscriber to your channel and a reader of your books.

Well, you’ve got to read “3% Man” 10 to 15 times, including “Mastering Yourself,” if you’re focused on your purpose and your mission, and you’re trying to align your life with your true calling. Plus, we’ve got the quotes books. We’ve got two volumes of these, which are both out, and what everybody likes about the quotes books is it ties all of the concepts from my first two books together. Your support is always appreciated. So, pick yourself up a copy of the quotes books, “Volume I” and “Volume.”

They have helped me immensely. I used to be the nice guy, and of course, until recently, would routinely find myself in the friend zone!

Yeah, when you’re too soft, you’re too nice, you’re not decisive, you’re not direct enough, you’re not bold enough, you’re not courageous enough. The number one strength characteristic that women love and are attracted to in men is confidence. And so, if you’re always too nice and too compliant, you don’t stand up for yourself, and you don’t go for what you want, and you’re around women that you’re romantically attracted to, and they can feel it and they could pick up on it, but you’re always holding back because you’re afraid of rejection, that’s the opposite of confidence. And over time, it will turn them off.

Forgive me if this has been covered in the past, but here’s the situation. About a year ago, I matched with a girl on a dating app and we met for a morning walk a few days later. I think it went fairly well, so I sent her a message a few hours later to say that I’d like to see her again for a drink.

Well, if you’re going for a morning walk, I would have to say, maybe at the time you hadn’t read the book. But the idea is you make a date in the evening. Because a man’s job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. So, going for a morning walk is typically not the way to go about that. Like, if you’re meeting her online, and you’re really not sure, and you don’t want to spend a lot of money if there’s a not a connection, you can meet her for a cup of coffee or maybe just a drink, a glass of wine or something, at a wine bar just to chat and see how things go.

And if things go well, and you’re meeting at 5:00, 6:00 or whatever, a happy hour time, then you can go to some other venue and have dinner. But if it doesn’t, you can say, “Hey, I enjoyed meeting you, and I’ll talk to you later,” and you can leave without spending too much money or too much time. But if you’re trying to create the situation where seduction can happen, going for a walk in the morning, that’s typically what a nice guy friend does. And as he says, he’s a recovering nice guy. Nice guys, typically all they end up with is “You’re really nice, but there’s no chemistry or spark.” And that’s not what you want to hear, especially if you like a girl.

And so, after he says he’d like to see her again, keep in mind he goes for a morning walk and then a few hours later says, “Hey, I’d like to see you again.” So, he’s asking for a second date literally hours after the first date ended, which is another thing you don’t do. So, I’m assuming this was maybe before he came across my work. And so, he’s just giving off the nice guy routine, and she could feel it, sense it. She wasn’t that into it.

Her response was, “Oh, I’d love to, but I just don’t think I’m going to be dating anymore.” To which I responded with humor, “Oh yeah? That’s like me going to a restaurant, not liking the food, but saying, actually, I’ve decided I’m just not going to be eating anymore.”

So, it sounds like he took the rejection personally. In other words, “Oh, you didn’t like me. Okay.”

I deleted her number and moved on.

Last month…

Which was obviously about a year later.

…I received a text from her to say she was in my town for a week or two, and whether I wanted to meet up. I agreed, and without the pressure of whether she liked me or not, I acted completely myself and lightly made fun of her for her lame excuse the last time. She told me that she felt insulted during our date, due to a comment I made about her job which she took as demeaning, and I explained it wasn’t my intention, but her excuse was still kinda lame.

For a week, we hung out a bunch of times, platonically. Going for walks, doing dinner, talking for hours. I still had feelings for her, was very attracted to her, but in a nutshell, no longer gave a shit. I talked to her like a bro and was always totally honest, (except for liking her still). I thought maybe I was working my way into her pants.

Well, he says he really enjoys my books and watching the videos, but when I read a paragraph like that, what do you guys think? Do you think he really knows the book? He’s going out on multiple dates, but strictly platonic. So, typically what you”re looking for – if he’d actually read the book and knew the information, he would know what to look for – he’d be looking for signs of physical attraction, like her playing with her hair, running her fingers through it, twirling it around her finger. Touching his arm, leaning in close, her knee pointing towards his, or her sitting next to him, and her knee bumps his under the table. Walking down the street together and she’s “accidentally” bumping into you. If you’re standing, waiting, talking to the hostess at the restaurant, and she’s literally bumping into you, these are all signs.

These are the subtle ways that women let you know that touching is okay. They’ll touch you first in a way like that. And if you’re still not sure or you want extra reassurance that it’s good to make a move, when you’re sitting and talking together and you do the KISS test, which is you look into her eyes like this and then you look down at her lips and then into her eyes, slowly at her lips and then into her eyes. If she ever looks at your lips while you’re doing that, obviously she’s thinking about kissing you. So, then you make the move and go for the kiss.

So he did everything right by getting together, but no mention of any kind of physical signs of attraction, because quite frankly, he probably didn’t know. I don’t think he’s actually read the book. A lot of guys will BS me and try to say, “Oh, I’ve always been successful with women, but this particular girl threw me for a loop.” “I’ve always been very successful at attracting women, because I’m a good looking guy, but it never goes beyond 2 or 3 dates.” Or, “I’ve read your book lots of times,” and then you see things like this and you’re like, yeah, it doesn’t sound like he’s even aware of what the book says.

In fact, one time, I told her a girl I was dating was coming over, and that she had to leave. She took her sweet old time, and then reluctantly left after I demanded she go. She then texted me to say that she’s upset at me for kicking her out.

Well, it’s obvious she didn’t want to leave. It’s like, come on, dude. You should have just kissed her and said, “I’ve got to go. I’ve got another girl coming over. But hey, we’ll see each other later. I’ll call you tomorrow,” or whatever. Or, “Call me tomorrow,” whatever it happens to be. The bottom line is she’s reaching out after a year and wanting to hang out. And what does it say in the book? It says, if she’s calling you or she’s texting you, you should assume she likes you and wants to see you, so make a date.

You’ve got to think as like a salesman would think. If a prospect is calling on the telephone to inquire about your products or services, you should assume they’re interested in your products or services and potentially a ready, willing, able buyer for your products and services. In this case, obviously, you’re the product and service. You want to service her properly. So, if she’s reaching out, you assume she must like you. Maybe she changed her mind. Again, this guy’s problem, I would say he probably never bothered to actually read the book. Or maybe he just thumbed through it.

She left town to go back home, and it dawned on me that I was just playing in the friend zone and giving her no-strings-attached attention, and felt a little embarrassed.

Well, there’s nothing to feel embarrassed about. It’s just you had no idea what the hell you were doing. She obviously put herself into your orbit. You hung out a bunch of times, and then you acted like an emotional zombie and just didn’t do anything because you didn’t know what to look for. She was probably giving you all kinds of signs that she was interested and attracted, but you didn’t pick up on it, because, again, you didn’t bother to take the time to read the book. You just decided to write an email and try to BS the coach.

I decided to disappear. I stopped replying to her messages, answering her calls, but every now and then say, “sorry, been super busy.”

Well, again, that’s another thing I do not teach. It says right in the book, you don’t ignore women. The idea is, going no contact or removing your attention when you notice it’s not coming back, because the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And if she’s reaching out, then you don’t hear from her, you just wait or you back off.

Or, if you’re calling or trying to get her to go out, and she keeps giving you excuses, you stop calling, you stop texting. And then, if she reaches out again, maybe a week or two later, you assume she wants to see you and try to make a date. And so, you never ignore a girl. I mean, that’s just stupid.

There was another email that was in my inbox, and the guy was saying, “Oh, I want her to double text me, and then I’ll ask her out.” Well, there’s a good chance she won’t. There’s a 50/50 shot she’ll double text you. And if not, poof, you missed your chance. Because women don’t want to look like fools either. These are common sense, very simple things to pick up on again. It’s obvious he hasn’t read the book.

This has made her crazy — no surprises there. She’s calling more, texting more, she’s desperate for my validation.

And probably a little insecure. Which, if you get a little further down the road, you’ll probably see that.

She’s coming back to my hometown and wants to know if she’ll get to see me. I’m not responding.

What do you hope to accomplish by ignoring her? Dude, it’s like, when I see these emails occasionally, that’s just stupid. I mean, seriously. You’re just ignoring her. What do you think’s going to happen? She’s going to show up and break your door down trying to see you? What a dunce.

So, if she’s coming to your hometown and she wants to see you, and you’re just ignoring her, again, what do you hope to accomplish? It’s so obvious what to do. I’m sure some of the guys in the comments are like, “What the hell, dude? Seriously?” She’s putting herself on a silver platter for you, and you’re just going, “I’m just going to ignore her.”

My question is, let’s say she’s developed feelings for me, now that I’ve shown her that I’m not a doormat, and that I’m an alpha.

By ignoring her? No, it shows that you’ve got no game and you’re clueless. Eventually, if you keep it up, she’ll figure that out, and then she’ll disappear forever.

She wants to hang out, she wants my attention, maybe she wants me. I want to have sex with her at the very least, so how do I go about that?

Well, it would help if you actually read the book, instead of bullshitting me and telling me, “Yeah, I’m very familiar with it. I’ve read it a bunch of times.” Like, you ain’t read it once, dude. There’s no way.

So, again, your job is to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and then to hook up when the signs are there, like the kiss. I went through all of it in the beginning of the video. This is so simple. I’m just surprised that this guy wrote to me with these rookie questions and these rookie mistakes and then tries to bullshit me and say, “Oh, yeah, I’ve read the books. Oh, yeah, I’m very familiar with them.” Like, no, you’re not, dude. You have no clue.

So, how do you go about it? Well, try responding to her messages and planning a date. I don’t understand what you think you’re going to accomplish by just ignoring her.

I don’t want to agree to ‘hanging out’ without being clear about my desires…

It’s like, dude, you don’t need to. If you haven’t heard from her in a year, and she says, “I want to see you,” you assume she probably wants to date and sleep with you. So, create an opportunity for sex to happen. And when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, then move in and escalate. The seduction process is all laid out, step by step, in the book. But obviously you haven’t read it.

So, if you don’t know the seduction process, you don’t know the rest of the book, you’ll probably screw it up anyway. And you went out on multiple dates with this girl, and then you did nothing. You did nothing. Stop trying to make her the man in the relationship. Eventually, she’s going to recognize you’ve got no game, you have no confidence, you’re weak and you’re soft, and she’ll dip on you.

…but I also don’t think it’s a good idea to say ‘I’ll see you, but not as friends,’ because that gives away my leverage/position too easily.

Your wisdom is super welcome!

Bob

Dude, it’s so obvious she’s into you. She wants to see you. I assume she’ll probably sleep with you as well. I mean, she’s coming over to your house. Man, it really doesn’t get any easier than that. But women are not going to do the man’s role. You have to at least pick up on the fact she’s contacting you, she’s texting you, she’s asking to see you. And what are you doing? You’re ignoring her texts and messages. It’s amazing you’ve gotten away with it. But, you know, she’s probably insecure, and it’s working to your advantage right now.

And now that you’ve got this great opportunity, make a date. Do something in the evening that can lead to sex at your place. Simple as that. I mean, she’s already been over and you spent a bunch of time. You should just say, “Hey, why don’t you come over? We’ll make dinner together.” In this particular case with where you’re at, and all the time you spent with her, plus, she’s been to your house and you had to kick her out, just say, “Hey, why don’t you come over, We’ll make dinner together.”

Have her come over, go buy some food and stuff, then come back. Because, you know, in the grocery store, as you’re walking around, she’ll be bumping into you, and then you just put your arm around her when she’s doing that. Pull her in, and go for the kiss, and make out in the grocery store. And then, when you get back to your place and you put everything in the kitchen, you start making out again, and the clothes start coming off again.

The whole seduction process is laid out in the book, but you would know that if you actually read it, instead of bullshitting me and trying to convince me that you’re an expert on these things. It’s like, dude, it’s so obvious. This is such an easy thing to do. But you know, I’ll admit, when I was 18, 19, 21, 22 years old, I was doing stupid shit like this too. So I’m not one to talk. But I learned and I figured it out. Typically, women are not going to seduce you, as well. You’ve got to do your part. But man, she’s making it really easy, so take advantage of it.

In this case, I would just invite her over to dinner, because you spent plenty of time together the last time she was there. She wants to see you, you’ve wound her up. So, more than likely, if she comes over and you start making out, you’ll probably be able to sleep with her right away. And then, go shopping for food and come back, cook dinner together, and then have sex again after dinner. And then, wake up with morning wood in the morning, and then plow her strawberry fields all over again.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.