How to understand and master the delicate balance between getting women to chase you, knowing when to move forward, when to back off, and eliminating the possibility of over-pursuing women to the point of turning them off.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who asks five great short questions about the art of getting women to chase you and eliminating the possibility of over-pursuing them to the point they lose interest in you.
He brings up several hypothetical situations regarding texting, Facebook messaging, physical letters, messaging apps, phone calls, etc., and how to properly apply the principles in my book to positively influence women to continually chase you, how to know when it is time to back off, and how you should go about backing off to prevent over-pursuing. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve recently come across your work, and I’ve been blown away by how well you understand women and relationships and articulate your wisdom. Your work is truly a much-needed gift to the world. I’ve been wondering about five lesser-covered, relatively common edge cases. It seemed contrived to space out five separate emails, so I apologize in advance for doubling your maximum length. How would you apply your principles to the following situations? (First and foremost, you need to read the book 10-15 times, instead of cherry picking information from the videos, so you don’t get mediocre and inconsistent success.)
1. One of your videos, I can’t remember which one, surprised me. You indicated the sole purpose of “one date a week” is to get a girl to the point of pursuing you, at which point she’s clearly not rejecting you. Measured steps are only meant to avoid over-pursuing while initiating contact, so once a girl starts asking you out while still on a date, you should agree and set up the next date on the spot… time tables be damned. (The idea I talk about in my book is that the guy will set one date per week. Usually by the second or third week, the woman feels comfortable to begin initiating contact, which is when you make the next date. It’s her idea. She’s reaching out to you.) However, what if a girl actively pursues from day one and spontaneously asks to hang out almost every day? (There’s a high likelihood she’s insecure and needy. That’s excessive. Beautiful, confident women won’t be like that right away.) If you almost always agree, it becomes apparent that, a) you don’t have much else going on socially right now, or, b) you’ve made availability to her a priority over scheduling other things. (If you’re making dates every day, you obviously don’t have much going on in your life. My question to you would be, what is your purpose and mission in life?) Isn’t that risky? (You need to get some hobbies. You should be at the gym or getting together with family and friends.) In my case, a girl seemed to “binge” on me until she couldn’t take me anymore, and her interest suddenly plummeted to a 5 at best, as an ex simultaneously re-entered the picture. (She may have had a stronger emotional bond with that guy than you. There’s not a lot you can do in that situation, except leave the door open.) I made additional mistakes before and after that, (You tended to over pursue and there was an ex in the picture. Read the book 10-15 times, so these things don’t happen), but would you truly rule out excessive availability as a factor? (You were chasing her as well, because you didn’t know the fundamentals in the book.)
2. If a girl has withdrawn indefinitely, clearly needs space, and/or tried to “just be friends,” (That only happens when you pursue too much), how would you handle mutual friends who invite you both to hang out? (Bring a date. Say hello and be friendly to her, and then go about your business.) Would you tailor your response based on which of you is closer to these mutual friends, and how much you value them versus your stance on the girl? (No. Have other things going on in your life.) Accepting these invitations could be perceived as chasing, and in any case, the contact would only drive her further away when she needs space, or give the wrong impression, just friends. (You should have other women in your life.) Always being “unable to make it” could damage your friendships, make you feel like a lousy friend, and be perceived as cowardly and disingenuous. (You should be doing other things, like hanging out with your friends, rather than just having this woman around. There’s no scarcity on your side. You’re too available, and you’re treating her like a celebrity.) Unless they ask directly, openly telling your friends you’re keeping your distance could make them feel awkward if they were ignoring the elephant in the room for their own inner peace. (You shouldn’t be involving your friends in your dating. All of that shit is going to get back to her. You’re coming from a weak, beta male position.) It also runs the risk of someone repeating everything you say to the girl, perhaps reworded in a “helpful” but damaging way. (No group dates unless she’s your girlfriend. Stop involving your friends in your dating life and trying to get them to help you. That’s going to turn her off.)
3. If a girl withdraws and later contacts you by text, phone, email, or in person, it opens up a two-way dialogue in which you can say via the same medium, “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. When are you free to get together?” (Correct.) Facebook likes, etc. do not count as contact. (Absolutely. Unless they’re addressing you directly, you’re just going to ignore those.) However, how would you handle it if she wrote you a letter? What if it’s unclear what will be in the unopened letter? It could be a “Can we start over?” letter, easy; return contact via any means, but it could be a “Let’s just be friends” closure letter. (If a woman sends you a letter saying “Let’s just be friends,” don’t do anything about it. Just throw it in the trash.) Not knowing which it was, I’d be inclined to return the unopened letter with a note saying gently/sympathetically, I can wait to hear what she has to say until she’s ready to tell me in person. (I wouldn’t do that.) If you would open and read it, and it’s “Let’s just be friends,” how and when would you make your strictly romantic or sexual intentions clear before walking away? (I wouldn’t.) Reaching back out via text/phone just to talk in person reeks of chasing, but writing a letter back is less powerful than speaking in person. (I wouldn’t write anything back. I would ignore it.) Then again, it’s a permanent tangible reminder. Would you simply wait until she reached out again by some other means, and then arrange to see her one-on-one to tell her?
4. If a girl has reason to feel safe with you, you write in your book to essentially insist on picking her up at home for a date instead of meeting her out, and she’ll relent if she really likes you. However, you also brought up special circumstances under which a woman’s crazy ex had been coming around, so you agreed to meet out. (It really depends on how well you know her. If you don’t know her well, meet her out for a drink or two so you can leave if you want to. This person needs to be on probation as well.) What if you’re dating a prideful girl who is terribly embarrassed that she lives with her parents? I mostly crushed the shocking gauntlet of tests this girl threw at me on the first date, the likes of which I’ve never seen, but she seemed to feel very strongly about this issue when making plans for our second date later, to the point it felt less like a test and more like a legitimate deal-breaker. (What does that tell you about her attraction level? Why go out with somebody like that? You want to date somebody who’s enthusiastic about going out with you.) I took a risk and agreed to meet her out, leaving all date locations a surprise, indicating I’d rather spare myself from the parental awkwardness anyway, which was true. (If you’re good at asking questions and creating rapport, the parents will like you as well.) She proceeded to significantly test me only once the entire second date, at the beginning, and she’s started to pursue me since. Did I handle things wisely or simply recover later from a mistake? (Think about the logistics of sex. Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen.)
5. It’s easy enough to be the leader, choose where to eat, and hold fast against objections when there are many choices on the menu. What if you’re at the grocery picking out a single meal to eat together? If you genuinely love to eat almost everything, how do you tell apart a true picky eater from a girl who objects repeatedly, and eventually makes her own suggestion, just to test you? (You don’t have to eat the same thing. Get her what she wants. You’re over thinking things.) How and where do you stand your ground? (Eat what you want. You don’t have to submit to her.) This is one area, hopefully the only area, where I’m still a total pushover.
Thank you for being the best in the world at what you do.
“When it comes to dating, scarcity creates value. Being mysterious, unpredictable and challenging to figure out causes women to become more interested in you, curious about you, value you more, respect you more, chase you more and generally like you more, especially when you first start dating. This helps form a strong emotional bond that is essential to making a relationship possible. Most men are in such a rush to lock women down to a commitment, they literally chase women away by doing too much too soon. When it comes to dating and creating a lasting relationship, less really is more when you take slow, methodical, measured steps. You can’t rush or force a woman to fall in love any more than you can rush or force a rose to bloom before it’s ready.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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