In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who originally found my work after his girlfriend of two years broke up with him. He did the standard begging, pleading, trying to change her mind, etc., but eventually realized how futile this really was. Then he stopped contacting her, and a few days later, she called and invited him over for dinner. He said it wasn’t a good idea and turned her down. Then he proceeded to call, text and chase again inviting her to lunch and giving off more of a platonic vibe than a lover vibe. This obviously got him nowhere, and one of their lunch dates ended in both of them going their separate ways in tears. He continued trying to chase and reach out every few days until he found my work. Then he changed his approach and was able to re-attract her successfully. He shares his success story of what he did and said to successfully re-attract her.
After reading your book a few times and applying most of your techniques, you are a legend dude! After my girlfriend of two years broke up with me, I did the standard begging, trying to change her mind, etc. I realized how futile this was quite quickly and left her to her own devices. She called me a few days later and asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner, so I told her that this probably wasn’t the best idea. I called her a few days later and asked her out for a coffee. I know. Lunch dates are for friends. We talked for a while, but things got too emotional, and we both ended up in tears and went our separate ways. (Whatever you make a woman feel when she is with you, is what she’s going to associate with you.) I contacted her a few days later and asked her out again, and she said she wasn’t sure, so I told her to get back to me if she changed her mind. She contacted me two days later asking me about the name of a track I told her, and she said she would call in a few days. I buckled after a week and called her, then proceeded to stay on the phone for an hour without organizing a date — again, idiocy on my part, so I didn’t call her again. (The phone is for setting dates, not for dithering, hesitating and chasing your tail like a dog.) It was at this point that I discovered your work, and all of the mistakes became clear. I read your book a few times and watched a load of your videos, along with reading “The Way of the Superior Man” and “The Power of Now.” From this point on, I had a better idea of what to do, nothing, so I waited for her to get in touch. Then I re-established my goals, got a new job, got new clothes, etc. (He focused on becoming the best version of himself that he could be.)
I received a birthday text from her saying, “Hope you’re having a good birthday. Maybe we can meet up for a coffee in a few days?” With my birthday being on Valentines Day, I thought it best not to respond. (Yes, let her wonder. You’re busy celebrating with people who care about you and who want you in their life, not with someone who blew you off and broke up with you.) The next day she phoned me sounding really worried and started apologizing for not coming out on my birthday. (That shows her attraction level is creeping back up.) I said it was okay, asked her what days she was free, and arranged to go out the following Wednesday.
Unfortunately, I decided to meet her for coffee again, but this time I had a game plan. I met her and we had a coffee, but then suggested going for some food. During the meal, she brought up the relationship and how I had been doing since the breakup. I told her about studying the psychological differences between men and women, and how I realized the reversed polarity of our relationship towards the end had caused problems. She said she was amazed by the transformation in me, and I agreed that the breakup had been a good thing, as it had helped both of us to grow. After food, I suggested we go for a drink at a nearby cocktail bar. We stayed there, talked, and ordered more food. We ended up sitting on a sofa, and we made some sex jokes about being single. I said I wasn’t looking to have a relationship, that labels just complicate things, and we should just have some fun, at which point we started making out. We went back to her place and she started to get cold feet about it. (Remember, sex has to be the man’s fault.) I said I just wanted to have some fun, but she said she wasn’t sure she could have sex without her feelings for me coming back. I told her that she was thinking about it too much. (Women tend to take little things and blow them up into big things. It’s the man’s job to take the big things and shrink them back down to little things, which he is doing successfully here.) She said she still wasn’t sure, so I told her, “Look, I’m not going to push you into anything, and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. If this isn’t what you want, then I’ll go home.” She was nearly in tears by this point, and she clutched my hand, so I put my arm around her and kissed her on the forehead. She started kissing me on the neck and things went from there. (This is part of being indifferent and being unattached. You want her, but you’re okay with not having her as well. She wants to feel your strength to resist her and let her go.) I left the next morning after more sex and cuddles and told her to keep in touch. Now, I’ll wait and just pursue my goals, not her.
Thanks for the great advice. It has been invaluable, even if I did bend the rules a bit. I am still learning more, which I will apply better if she contacts me again. (I like the state of mind that you’re in. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. It’s that simple. If you let her do all of the calling, texting and pursuing, she will talk you into becoming her boyfriend, if that’s what you both are looking for.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The worst thing you can do if you get dumped by a lover is to grovel, chase, pursue, plead, beg and try to get them to change their mind. Acting this way is demeaning, disrespectful to yourself, and communicates that you do not value what you have to offer. When a former lover has unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship to terms that are not acceptable to you, the best response is to communicate that you are not interested in their terms, then to walk away, never look back, and tell them to contact you if they ever change their mind. Since it was their idea to end the relationship, it must be their idea to rekindle things. They also must show that they are willing to come to you on your terms if they ever get in touch with you in the future.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne