How to find the balance between being her rock versus being an emotional tampon.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from viewer who has been a student of my work for about four years. He’s read 3% Man, 10 times. He’s been with his fiancé for three years and they have a 1-year-old son together. He says their relationship is 95% great. However, recently she got a friend of hers a job where she works and now all she does is come home and complain about her friend and her boss. He’s tired of hearing her drone on about it for two weeks now and is starting to lose his patience with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, The Balance Between Being Her Rock Versus An Emotional Tampon.
Well, I’ve got an email. This is from a guy. He’s been a student of my work for about four years now, and he says he’s read 3%, Man, ten times. And he’s been in a relationship for three years now with his fiancée. They have a one-year-old son together and he says the relationship is like 95% great, which is pretty good. He says, however, recently, a few weeks, about a month or so ago, his wife recommended one of her friends for a job that was open or a position that was open at work and then the friend ended up getting hired.
And so, for the past two weeks, she’s been working with her friend now. And so, every day when she comes home, ever since the first day, all she’s been doing is bitching and complaining about her friend, and her boss. And he’s like, I’m losing my patience with it. I’m sick of hearing the same crap over and over, he says, But I don’t want to blow my top or get perturbed. He’s like, “At what point am I being a rock and making her feel heard and understood, versus being an emotional tampon?”
And so, the thing with the emotional tampon that I’ve talked about in the past is where, guys, it doesn’t really apply in this situation because these two are on the verge of getting married, they already have a child together of a year. They’ve been together for three years.
And so, the emotional tampon comment is typically for guys that start trying to date women and then they end up spending all of their time on the phone with these women to the point where they never go out in person. But yet they’re always on the phone, in essence, being the emotional tampon for her while she goes and sleeps with Chad Thunder Cock, and he gets nothing but blue balls.
So, it doesn’t really apply in this example, but obviously if you’re sitting there and you’re listening to your girl complain about the same thing for two weeks, then obviously she’s not feeling heard and understood and it’s not getting resolved. And I would suspect it’s probably because he’s not asking very good quality questions, because the idea is if you’re going to be a rock, women come to you with mundane, boring things, especially catty kind of crap.
I mean, this is her friend. This is one of her girlfriends that she got a job and now all she does is complain about it. So, the idea is you’re not trying to solve a problem. You’re trying to help facilitate her talking about it and resolving it. And you can, by asking quality questions, steer her in the direction that she needs to go to open her up, so she feels heard and understood.
But also, so you’re not sitting there every week for two weeks in a row. Every time she comes home from work, you listen to her complain about the boss or her friend that she got the job. So, but these you’re going to be in a long-term relationship with your girl, any woman, for that matter. And these things are going to happen. They’re going to tell you about anything and everything they’re going to tell you about. Oh, I went shopping with my girlfriend or my sister, and she’s telling you about these pair of shoes that they were both looking at.
And then they started arguing over what looked best, and just stuff you’re like, “Is this really important? Do I really need to hear this?” But if you don’t listen, and if you don’t pay attention to what you’re saying, then what are you going to get? “You’re not listening to me. You don’t care.” You’re going to hear that kind of crap. “You never listen to me.” So, we want to avoid that. But we also want to facilitate her feeling heard and understood and working through her problems.
Because as the good students of My Book know, is that typically when these things happen, it’s you should be asking because us guys, we want. We’re problem solvers. And so, you can look at this and you want to try to solve a problem, but if you start giving her solutions when she’s trying to share things, you’re going to get that you’re not listening to me.
It’s going to get thrown right in your face. And so, when you feel the urge to give advice, you should say if you’re unsure of what she’s looking for, do you want my opinion or do you just want me to listen? And so, it’s very helpful to understand that and then using high quality questions. So, we’ll get into it in a second here.
I’ve been a student of your teachings for about four years now. I read The Book 10 times, and its lead to a very successful dating life. During this time, I met my now Fiancé and we’ve been together now for three years. We also have a 1-year-old son together and we are set to get married in October.
Our relationship has been 95% great. She constantly shows affection, and I’m always thinking of ways to court her, although admittedly I have gotten complacent a few times.
It’s going to happen to everybody. It just. It just does longer together. Things are going well. It’s like, “It’s fine. We’ll go out next week. The week after that. I want to save some money.”
However, because of your book, I’ve been able to identify this in her behavior and take action to reset the polarity.
And so, that’s where reading The Book to 10 to 15 times comes in, as it keeps it fresh in your mind. Because if you’re an average 25, 30 year old guy or a 50 year old guy, for that matter, and at whatever point you come across my work, you’re going to be learning things and doing things that are the opposite of what you think you should do, and you feel you should do because you’re emotionally anchored to dysfunctional ways of showing up that you’ve been conditioned to that are making you look really unattractive.
And so, if you’re not, you know, you get it wherever you focus on in life, right? So, if you’re not focused on the book because things have been going well for a while and maybe in this case, I mean, he’s been following me for four years. I don’t know when the last time that he read the book. And so most guys that are really successful will go through the book once or twice a year just to kind of refresh things, because there’s a lot of things going on in life.
And when things are going well in your relationship as a man, you’re going to focus your energy, and your intention, and attention on other things of your life that may not be going as well. Maybe you get more focused on your career, or maybe you’re spending more time with your kids, or maybe something’s going on with a family member that’s ill. Maybe one of your parents is older and they’re ill, and they’re having health problems and you have to step in and help them.
So, it takes away from the amount of time and attention that you’re giving to your girl. And with the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers and The Attraction Table that’s in there, you’ll be able to tell how your girl always feels about you, because that’s the important thing, is how she feels about you. And then you can take corrective action.
The reason for the email is she has been complaining about her boss for weeks. And they also hired one of her friends that she recommended, and for two weeks now she has complained about her every single day.
Well, I can totally relate and understand why that’s going on, but this is what you signed up for. If you’re going to be in a relationship with a woman, you’re going to have to sit through a lot of conversations and listen when, quite frankly, you want to be doing something else.
Because if you don’t listen, you’re going to get, “You don’t care. You’re not listening to me.” And when a woman doesn’t feel heard and understood, the leg is closed and then you’re going to have a pussy embargo problem. So, we want to avoid these things.
So, she’s constantly complaining about her boss. You remember, whoever’s asking the questions is the one that’s running the conversation. So, she’s bitching about her boss every day. Simple things like, “Well, what’s the solution? What are you going to do about it? What do you think you should do about it?” And get her to talk about potential solutions. And you could also say, “Well, do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?”
But if she’s constantly bringing up the same thing over and over, you can say, “Babe, I love you, but you’ve been talking about this every day for two weeks and so obviously you haven’t resolved whatever is bothering you and what’s upsetting you. So, let’s talk about that. What can we do? What can you do with you and your boss or this issue to get to the point where it’s resolved? Because obviously, if you’re talking about the same thing every day for two weeks, it’s not getting better. It’s like a festering wound. And all that’s going to do is make you angry and unhappy. And obviously we don’t want that. So, what’s the solution?”
And you got to think in terms of those things. Remember, if whoever’s asking the questions is the one that’s running the conversation. And so, you can ask questions that lead her help to lead her to a solution without you just coming right out and giving a solution. But if you’ve got one that seems pretty simple and easy, like, do you want my opinion? And if she says “Yes,” then give her your opinion. Well, it’s like, this is what I would do. And so that that needs to happen.
But just because at some point you’re going to if it’s not getting resolved and she keeps coming to you, I mean, at some point you’ll be like, “Babe, I love you, but you’re being kind of ridiculous. You’ve been coming home every day for two weeks and complaining about your boss, but yet you haven’t tried to resolve it. You haven’t sat down with them; you haven’t shared your concerns.”
It’s like, “I want you to be happy and you’re coming home every day from work, upset. And I keep hearing the same thing and it’s not getting resolved. And I love you and I want you to be happy. And I don’t want to spend an hour every time you come home talking about an unresolved issue with your boss.”
So, it’s like, “Let’s talk about it together. What can be done? What can we do together? What can you do? What should you do? What do you think you should do to resolve this?” Remember, asking high quality questions is super important. The quality of your life and your relationships is going to be in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you consistently ask each other.
I do my best to sit with her and listen. However, I’m starting to lose my patience with it.
Yeah, well, it’s not getting resolved. And so, your job should help to facilitate that by asking questions. “So, what are you going to do about that? What do you think? You’re going to have a conversation with your boss. What are you going to do?” Those are the kinds of things you should be asking. “Well, I don’t know.” Well do you want my opinion? “Well, yeah. Okay.” Well, this is what I would do. And then tell her, you lay it out. It’s like, “What do you think?” And get her feedback.
Okay, “Well, if you don’t talk to him now, how is that going to resolve it?” “If you just keep sweeping it under the rug and you get mad and more pissed off at your boss or your friend for the next couple of weeks, is that going to be good for your friendship?” She’s going to say, “Well, no.” It’s like, well, maybe you need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a heart to heart. Take her to lunch. “What do you think?” Ask questions. Lead her to the solution.
She will even call me throughout the day to do this… to the point where I don’t answer the phone sometimes.
And it’s like, hey, if you’re busy and you’re a man, you’re focused on your purpose and your mission. And you know what she’s calling a bitch about something, I’m like, Nah, we can talk about that at home. It’s not an important call. Don’t tell her that. Don’t say that. But at the end of the day, it’s really not that big a deal because it’s not an emergency.
How do I balance being her emotional rock but also not being an emotional tampon for her?
Well, the idea is you’ve got to ask questions to help lead her to a solution. Instead of giving her the solution, ask her questions that can help her come to the solution. And then if she comes back the next day and bitches about it and goes, “Well, I thought you said yesterday you were going to talk to your boss. I thought you said you were going to sit down and talk to her. What happened? How come they didn’t?”
“Oh, it just never there’s never a good moment.” It was like, “Well, not here.” “Here you are 24 hours later, and it’s still not resolved. Is that fun? Is that working for you? Does that make you happy? Does that make you love your friend more, or does that make you resent your friend more because it’s unresolved?”
These are the kinds of things you want to do to lead her to the solution, because she’s got to come up with a solution herself. And you’re there to facilitate, not just to listen, but to help guide her to the solution. Because especially if it’s going on for two weeks, because most of the time they’re going to come home and they’re going to share this or that or something might go on for a few days. But when it’s two weeks like this, it’s like she’s just stuck in a loop of negativity, and it’s not getting resolved, probably because she’s not communicating with the two people, i.e. her boss and her girlfriend that she’s now working with.
I started reading The Book again a few weeks ago and am now halfway through read number three to keep the info fresh. I plan to continue reading it another 10 times – the more the better. Appreciate you and any advice you can provide!
Yeah. It really just boils down to asking really super high-quality questions. Instead of you giving her the solution, you ask questions to lead her to the obvious solution. But it’s like if you give it to her when she has an ask for the solution versus you asking questions and she comes up with the solution, that will solve it, because then she’ll feel like you’re participating, you’re co-creating a solution together. And she feels like you’re addressing all of her concerns, not just dismissing them outright and trying to give her a solution. So, you can go back to doing whatever you were doing. It’s an art. It’s not a science.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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