How to give yourself the greatest possible chance of getting a second opportunity to date a potential lover you may have screwed up with in the past, once they boomerang back after initially choosing someone else.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has always struggled to get past a second or third date with women he really likes. His life has been one experience after another of meeting the perfect woman who had high mutual interest initially, only to see them slip through his fingers, lose interest and often choose another guy over him. After the latest perfect ten slipped though his fingers once again, he prayed for an answer and then sought out a solution by searching on the Internet for answers. This led him to my work.
This particular woman ended up choosing another guy and he told her to get in contact if things did not work out. After many months of not hearing anything from her, she started getting in contact with him. However, he acted like too much of an indifferent and uninterested cold fish and she seems to have drifted away once again. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’m a good looking guy, a Marine infantry officer, and a pretty awesome guy in most areas of my life, but all of my dating life has been just like what you described in your early 20’s — always meeting awesome girls that seem interested at first, but usually never making it past one to three dates. I met this girl a year ago. We’d hang out at the same church related social events all the time. She seemed attracted at first but I made a ton of mistakes. I only took her out twice, even though I asked her out about seven times total. (Just like I discuss in my book, you’re only going to ask a woman out on two separate, consecutive occasions, and if she says no, then you don’t ask again until she brings it up.) The last time I tried to ask her out, she said she had a boyfriend and was exclusive. I was devastated when she told me this, as I had projected my high interest on to her. I know when I first took her out her interest was high, and this was the type of person that you talk about, like you’re just meant to be together, but then you screw it up. In the same conversation that she said she had a boyfriend, I said “Let me know if that changes.” I turned and walked off. (That was the right approach.) I was like Hell! Here we go again! Just like you explain in your video. What am I doing wrong?? I prayed and asked God to help me “SEE” what I was doing wrong, as I knew I deserved to have the type of women I wanted, to hopefully, eventually get married, and not settle. I know I was doing something wrong, but just didn’t know what. I started reading your book, and it was an answer to that prayer. Every small subtle thing I did wrong became clear. I’m now dating a few different girls, and I’m doing much better. They are starting to chase me, and it is becoming effortless. You and your book are awesome!
This girl started getting really flirty and trying to get my attention after three weeks of no contact. I ignored it, because she had a boyfriend, (You should never ignore a woman. You went from being too nice to acting too cold and indifferent. You should have told her to get in touch if things didn’t work out with her boyfriend), but I should have asked her out. She moved away for the summer, then came back in September, (She may have just been keeping you on the hook in case things didn’t work out with her boyfriend), which was over 4 months of no contact. She came up and talked to me at some social event, and I responded casually and warmly, but then walked away. She texted me later that day to say “Hi,” and I texted back saying “Hi.” Later, I realized I should have set a date. (Yes, she was reaching out, and you should assume it’s because she wants to see you and make a date, or she’ll think you’re with somebody else. I discuss this in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”) I can kind of see now that she may be a little frustrated, as I made no effort when she reached out. It’s been three weeks, and she hasn’t come up and talked to me, although she’s orbited my bubble at church a couple of times when people are going around socializing. I just ignore it. (Now you’re acting like you have zero interest, so eventually that’s what she’s going to assume. You’re expecting her to be the man when she comes back into the picture, but she’s putting her self into your orbit in hopes you’ll ask her out.) She hasn’t reached out again directly.
1) Do you think she’ll reach out again, or am I playing too much of a cold fish? (You’re definitely being too much of a cold fish. I never teach to ignore women. You should read my book 10-15 times, and learn the fundamentals.) I don’t want to ask her out unless she initiates conversation again, because I don’t want to go back to being the chaser. I want to wait. Is this the right move? (It sounds like you’re going to see her again. The next time you see her, tell her you’d like to get together.) I’m just worried I’ve dashed her confidence by ignoring her, and she may not get the ovaries to come up and talk to me again. When/if she does, I’ll make sure to set a date.
2) We were never official boyfriend/girlfriend, but have a lot of history hanging out, so if I set another date, do I treat her like an ex by making a low key date at my place, (Absolutely. She’s not a stranger. If she’s not willing to do it, walk away. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it), and let her do all the contact from here on out, or do I treat it like a brand new courtship and call once a week? (You absolutely never, ever call a woman who blows you off. I talk about this in the book and in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You need to wait to hear from her, and when you do, assume she wants to see you and make a date. You need to also remember, if she starts chasing you, and you chase her back, she’s going to pull away and start blowing you off again. You need to read my book 10-15 times.)
Thanks so much!! Semper Fi.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most of the time when a woman is romantically interested in a man, she will put herself into his orbit in order to get his attention and make it easy for him to hopefully get the hint and ask her out on a date. However, since men are supposed to be the aggressors, women usually will not come right out and ask for a date. A man should understand, when a woman gets in contact with him, it’s not really because she was simply just thinking about him, but because she was hoping he was also thinking about her too and would like to see her again; and therefore make a date. When it comes to a woman who initiates contact, a man should never hesitate, but instead, make a date.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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