How to overcome your conscious and unconscious limiting beliefs, irrational fears and the stories that you tell yourself about why you don’t have the life, lifestyle and people you want in your life and in the ways that you want them.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has all kinds of self-created, made up stories and limiting beliefs he has been telling himself for the past forty years about why his life isn’t, or can’t be the way he wants it to be. His is now forty years old and had his only relationship and sexual experience when he was twenty-nine with a woman who was twenty years his senior. For the past eleven years they have been platonic roommates. She has basically become his mommy.
He’s not pursuing his passions and only seems to come up with excuses and reasons why he can’t have the career he really wants, a great place to live and a great relationship with a woman who knocks his socks off. He shares the story of a woman he dated and kissed last year while he was taking dance classes, but never escalated things physically because of the story that he told himself about his living situation. A year later, he wrote her a long, sappy love letter about his feelings and got a response from her that left him confused and her intentions up in the air. He asks my opinion on how to interact with her when he sees her at dance class in the future.
I’m forty years old and come from a family of weak men and dominant mothers. I’m good looking and well built, but I still lack confidence. (Confidence is doing what you know how to do, and doing it really well. Through time, repetition, and refinement of your approach, you can perfect your skill set.) Due to a social phobia and similar inhibitions, I had my first, and only, sexual experiences around the age of twenty-nine with a woman twenty years my senior. (Better late than never.) I didn’t really enjoy our two-year relationship, and we’ve been roommates ever since. (You never left, because it was easy and it was comfortable.) I’ve been living in her apartment for eleven years now, since I can’t afford one of my own. (No, it’s just that you haven’t gone out and gotten the kind of job and developed the skills to make the kind of money that would enable you to have your own place.) At times, she’s like a mother figure, keeping me from an independent life and new love. (She has basically become your mommy. Come on man, man up.)
I work as a freelancer and have almost no private life when I’m working. Last year, I was unemployed for a long time, took dancing classes, and discovered I had great talent. (You have a passion for dancing. That’s the kind of thing you should be spending your time doing.) I was a really good dancer, confident, and popular with women. I met a woman who was ten plus years my senior, and we fell for each other. Despite my inexperience, I was centered, never acted needy, appeared confident, and she pursued me heavily. (You loved dancing, you were in your element and were doing what you were put on this earth to do.) We made out, but never had sex since I held back and lacked confidence. What could I have done without a place of my own to invite her to? (There’s your story.) After four months, I had to go back to work, pulled out of dancing, didn’t court her anymore, and became her pen pal. (You stopped focusing on your purpose and mission, you went back to your box and you were no longer the attractive guy that she fell for. Plus, you didn’t try to seal the deal, and eventually she realized you lacked confidence.) Clueless, I got friend zoned while still receiving sweet text messages, but I took no initiative. I realized my mistakes, and eight months after our last dance, I called her to make a date, and she seemed happy. One day later, she texted she was having a “bad and failing” relationship for almost a year, and admitted to being insincere to me. Am I right to feel angry over this? (The only person you should feel angry at is yourself. It’s not her fault that you’re being mediocre and gave up your passion. If you focus relentlessly on becoming the best dancer that you can be, your passion will get you noticed. Be the guy that does what he loves.) She was afraid a younger man might have hurt her too much, but the truth may be, she lost respect. (You’re not living up to your full potential. You’re living somebody else’s life.)
Immediately, I fell into a fearful state and vomited out my feelings in a letter to her, revealing my insecurities over “not being the man.” (This is what they show in the movies, but in real life you get friend zoned.) I know it was a mistake, and now I feel tremendous shame and must be the opposite of the man I appeared to be last year. Is there any way to repair some of the damage? (Get back into dance class. You’ll never be successful at something you don’t enjoy.) She texted me she’ll take some time to write me back. I dread receiving her letter. I guess it’s over, and she’s trying to be polite. If she writes that we can “only be friends,” should I still reach out to her to say I can’t and won’t be friends? (Yes, just let her know if she ever changes her mind to get in touch with you.) Should I let it be, not call, and go on? (Never call or text her again.) I’d love to pick up the feeling of dancing again, though I realize my tight work schedule won’t allow me to. (This is more of your story.) I yearn to quit my rat race job, but I’m afraid to start anew at the age of forty. (You’re never too old to become the person you might have been.) Becoming a dancing teacher would pay way less than I earn now, but leave me with more freedom and satisfaction, I would hope. (You just need a balanced plan, but you need to be dancing in every moment of your spare time, not BS’ing yourself into doing nothing.) How do I deal with her if we meet in the same dancing course and it’s our turn to dance with each other? (Dance like nothing ever happened, and when you leave say, “call me later.”) Should I skip her as a dance partner, or is that rude and deprecating? (Don’t let it show that it bothers you.) What do I do when she treats me as just a friend? Should I ever mention her insincerity? (It really doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t date a woman like that anyway.)
Right now, I can’t afford to book a coaching session. Maybe I can in a few weeks. I know I need to make changes and find an affordable place of my own. Any help from your side is appreciated. (You have a job that pays the bills now. Find an affordable home base, even if it’s an efficiency. Create an awesome life and lifestyle for yourself.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The reason why people don’t have the life, lifestyle, lovers, career and kind of people in their lives that they really want, is because of the stories that they tell themselves about why they can’t, don’t or won’t ever have it. People will do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure. Therefore, people tend to make up BS stories to prevent themselves from taking any action towards what they really want, because of the potential to experience pain due to failure, rejection or how negatively others may perceive them. Staying stuck in neutral and where they are not happy is made possible because they also make up a BS story that justifies the safety and comfort of how where they are right now, is better than taking the potentially painful risk to get to where they want to be in the future. Once you understand this inferior way of thinking, you can then change what you focus on from a mindset of avoiding pain and potential failure, to a mindset that focuses on all of the pleasure that you will experience once you succeed, and how painful it will be to stay where you are right now and never reach your full potential.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne