How becoming complacent in your relationship has consequences that lead to unnecessary drama and breakups.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-four year old viewer who only read my book, How To Be A 3% Man, five times. His relationship was great for about the first two years. Then he got complacent, stopped putting his best foot forward and making her feel heard and understood.
He made matters worse by telling her that he was the way he was and wasn’t going to change. They broke up and he moved out a few days later. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is the kind of thing I see all the time. I say read the book 10 to 15 times, and people don’t want to listen to me. They want to think they know better. I mean, I’m 51 years old and I’ve been teaching this stuff for 16, 17 years, and I see the same pattern over and over and over. As a coach, I’m just teaching the fundamentals. I’m teaching you what creates attraction, and I’m teaching you what ruins it. And guys don’t want to listen.
Especially guys that go into this toxic red pill community. They have the attitude that, they infantilize women, and they don’t want to take any responsibility for what they have to bring to a relationship. And what you often see in the red pill community is there’s nothing in there about communication or having a healthy relationship. It’s a lot of selfishness, a lot of narcissism, a lot of broken dudes complaining about women and saying how horrible they all are. But they don’t look inward. They don’t look at what they’re doing or how they’re showing up.
And so, what I like about this email is you can kind of see the train wreck coming. They have problems. He tries to resolve it kind of half-assedly, and then things just continue to spiral out of control. And it’s not until after the fact, now that he’s looking back at it, he’s going, “Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have done that. I should have handled that better.” But hindsight’s always 20/20.
So, the idea is you want to learn from emails like this, because you don’t want to repeat this guy’s mistake. It was Confucius, I believe, that said “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation, there’s sure to be failure.” And this guy has failed because he failed to properly prepare and, obviously, did not follow instructions. He took a shortcut because he didn’t have the time. Well, now he’s got plenty of time on his hands, because now he’s broken up with his girlfriend, and it was totally avoidable.
Another thing you see in the red pill community is all these guys with this obsession about virgins and women with low body count. Even with a virgin or women with low body count, if you behave this way, eventually you’re going to make them feel unloved, undesired, and eventually they’re going to leave you anyway. And a lot of these guys think, “Well, if I just marry one with a low body count or a virgin, then I can get lazy and complacent like this guy did, and she’ll just put up with me.”
That’s not how it works in the real world. These guys are watching too many movies and spending too much time in the toxic red pill community, which just basically enables their toxic behavior and enables them to not take care of the things that they’re supposed to take care of as a man, to be the leader in their household. They abdicate their responsibility, they go through a difficult time, they get lazy, they get complacent. They’re chasing their goals, their dreams, their career, and they think no matter what, a woman is just supposed to put up with any kind of disrespect, or ignoring, or lack of courting her, or lack of taking time to really care and open her up.
If you’re in a relationship, whether it’s a close friendship, a family member, your mom, or your girlfriend, the most important thing is you want to show that you care. You spend the time trying to get to the bottom of what they’re thinking and what they’re feeling because you give a damn. And if you don’t care, you don’t ask and you don’t want to be bothered. That’s just not going to fly in the real world.
I am a 24-year old male and my ex is a gorgeous head turner 21-year old female. I read your book about 5 times.
Come on, man.
Our relationship was amazing for the first 2 years.
Well, as I’ve often said, if you apply what’s in the book, you’ll get attainable success. But if you don’t read it 10 to 15 times, you will not have sustainable success. There’s consequences for not following the coach’s instructions. But I am not calling the kettle black, because I have done this plenty of times and I also wrote about in the book. Women want to be in a love story, and you show through your actions that you care. And if you stop showing through your actions that you care, eventually she’s going to go, “Yeah, he doesn’t care.”
We never argued, she was always affectionate, I loved her, and I was totally centered. Made love continuously back-to-back. It was fucking magical. Then, she was accepted to the best university of our state, so I proposed to her and we moved in together. Although, it felt rushed because of her young age.
You weren’t marrying her or getting engaged because that’s what you wanted to do. You were putting a ring on her finger hoping that she wouldn’t leave you. That is the wrong mindset and it’s the wrong reason to get engaged.
I thought I would miss out on having the woman I loved if I didn’t do it.
Fear of missing out. It’s a bad, bad way to go. You’re not coming from a position of strength, you’re coming from a position of weakness. The ring and the proposal is to try to lock her down, to make up for other things you’re falling short in.
Shortly after moving in together, I slowly became complacent.
Yeah, you slowly become complacent, not over a few days or a few weeks, but it happens over several months and years, and so you don’t realize it as it’s happening. And then you make excuses. You get caught up in your life, you caught up your career, which obviously, this guy did.
It seems like she began to slowly lose respect for me, and I simultaneously stopped putting my best foot forward. I put the majority of my focus into my career/side hustles, and she said I gave her minimal attention.
Remember, if a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and if she doesn’t, the legs close. And if you only read the book five times several years ago and you’ve been in a relationship for several years, all that stuff that’s in the back of the book about intimacy and relationship and communication, you didn’t learn it and you never really had to use it. And because you were happy and you were in love that first year or two, you were doing a lot of it.
But then you drifted away from it, and you didn’t have your mindset right, and you didn’t really understand the book and you stopped doing those little things. It didn’t click in your mind what you weren’t doing that you should have been doing. But the bottom line is she’s bringing it up to you. She’s saying “You’re not paying attention to me. You’re not giving me enough attention.” In other words, you’re not making her feel heard and understood, because you’re not taking the time to really talk to her and try to understand. Like Stephen Covey said, “Most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand.”
We just published a video with Gracie and her mom called “The Consequences of a High Body Count.” We posted on YouTube and Instagram. It’s interesting to look in the comments. You could tell a lot of people commenting, especially the ones that are in the toxic red pill community, they start puking up their platitudes that they don’t really understand, instead of actually trying to listen to where Jen and Gracie are actually coming from.
If you want to understand another person, you’ve got to ask them. You’ve got to get them to talk about what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling and where they’re coming from. And you could tell all the guys who got butt hurt and triggered by that particular video have never really had that kind of an intimacy with any woman they’ve ever dated, or even much less their mother, or their sister, or their aunt, or any women in their life. They’ve never taken the time to really see where she’s coming from, and it shows. But that’s their problem.
That’s the thing I don’t like about the toxic red pill community is it causes guys to say, oh, it’s all women’s fault and I don’t have to do anything. And they bitch and they complain about single moms. Especially some of these podcasts I see, it’s like fucking Jerry Springer. They have the worst train wreck women. They’ve got strippers, they’ve got women in the sex industry, they’ve got women that come from broken homes. It’s entertaining, but they present them to the world as if this is the way all women in society are.
If all you’re doing is dating and hooking up with whores and club girls all the time, that’s not the kind of women that are getting into long term relationships and having healthy relationships. It’s entertaining, but how how useful is it, really? Is it really helping you? Is it teaching you to communicate better? Is it teaching you to have a better quality relationship? Or is it just enabling toxic behavior and not taking responsibility for your own life and the people you attract into it?
To me, I thought I was giving her enough. Multiple times a week, I satisfied her in bed, we went on walks, went downtown, went out to eat, ran errands together.
So, this guy is thinking, “Hey, I’m getting her off in bed. Everything should be great. That’s all I need.” And you can tell that’s where he’s coming from, because, again, he’s focused on himself. I had a girlfriend of mine, she was married for ten years. And she’d been complaining to her husband for years about things he wasn’t doing in their business, and he wasn’t taking care of things. He wasn’t being the man of the household. And they had really good sex the day before she left him.
You can only BS somebody for so long and make empty promises that you don’t follow through to where eventually, especially with a woman, she’s just going to leave, especially if she wants to have kids or she wants to settle down. If she gives you umpteen chances and you’re just never doing the change, you have to assume by somebody’s actions that they’re not serious. So, just because you’re having great sex doesn’t mean she’s not going to up and leave you.
One night, she cried to me saying she needs constant love and attention because her father didn’t give her love/attention growing up.
Well, when she says something like that, that’s where you pull out the “What do you mean? Explain that to me? What does that look like? How did that make you feel? What do you need to feel loved and supported?” You’ve got to ask high quality questions when those things come up.
It’s also possible that maybe she’s messed up. But as he said, things were great for the first two years, because he was doing everything right for the first two years. So, if she was toxic and a total mess, it wouldn’t have been bliss for two years. It would have never happened. Her toxic red flags would have come out, it would have spiraled out of control. They would have only dated for a few months, and he would have moved on.
She also told me she needs other people to make decisions for her.
In other words, she’s saying, “You’re supposed to be the man in the household, and I want to follow your lead.” But because he wasn’t leading her emotionally, mentally, spiritually, in addition to physically, eventually, she just gave up. She didn’t feel like he cared, because his actions didn’t show that he cared.
From my perspective, I was an ambitious, loyal man who would take a bullet for her.
Yeah, but you didn’t make her feel that way. That’s the important thing. She didn’t feel heard and understood. You can say that, “I’ll take a bullet for you, baby,” but if you don’t make her feel that, it means nothing. It’s just words. It’s platitudes.
From her perspective, I was too busy for her and didn’t care about her.
If a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and if she doesn’t, the legs close. I didn’t make women this way. I’m just telling you the way it is, if you want to keep them around.
I tried to change to show her more attention and less on my work.
“Tried to change.” Try not. Either do or do not, there is no try.
But it only lasted weeks before we were back to our ways.
So, in other words, he did it for a few weeks, got some results and then went right back to being lazy and complacent.
I stated a few times, “This is who I am. I am busy, and will always be busy, and have goals and cannot change.”
When you say something like that to a woman, you’re basically saying, “I don’t care what you’re thinking and feeling. I don’t care about your feelings or your emotions. This is the way it is. Take it or leave it.” You just told her, “I don’t love you enough and I don’t care about you enough to make you feel heard and understood, so to hell with you.” That’s one of the worst things you can say. Come on, man.
The simple formula: hang out, have fun, hook up. Part of the having fun is the communication part, and you missed the memo on that, because you only read the book five times.
A couple months later, she ended up talking to a therapist for 1-2 sessions. That night, I was watching a movie and she took off her ring, left it in the guest bedroom and said she wants to sleep in different rooms.
It doesn’t sound like the therapist is very helpful. There’s a lot of therapists out there that suck ass. I must say that. They write me nasty emails sometimes because they’re jealous of the fact that they’re broke is a joke, and they can’t get any clients because they suck.
I told her we should go our separate ways. She responded, “I planned on leaving you and moving out Friday,” (which is crazy because we made pleasurable love 2 nights before that).
It doesn’t matter. You’re thinking like a guy. Guys want sex, obviously, but she didn’t feel heard and understood. She wanted a connection. That’s what what Jen was talking about in the body count video that we just released, which you guys should check out. The comments are pretty lit. I roasted a bunch of people. It was glorious.
We both cried our eyes out. The next day, I immediately regretted my decision and said I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work.
She just wanted to feel heard and understood. So, again, at that point, it’s just words. Your words and your actions were not congruent for a long time, so why would she trust that you meant that? If you really meant that, you would do it. You would have opened her up, you would have gotten her to talk.
She declined, so I decided to move out the next day.
Well, if you didn’t want to break up, you shouldn’t have moved out. You should’ve let her move out, because then she’s the one leaving the home.
A few days later, after we sorted out finances, she said harsh things to me then blocked me, even though I showed nothing but kindness and wasn’t harassing her through text.
Well, she’s obviously hurt. He basically told her that she wasn’t worthy of your best effort and you weren’t going to do anything to change that. So, of course she’s mad. Women can be nasty when they get mad and hurt.
A week later, we matched on Tinder and talked a bit. She said, “We’ll never be together again.” I said, “I am sorry for treating you awfully. I still love you, if you find it in your heart to change your mind in the future. I’m working on being the best version of myself.” Then I deleted Tinder, because it sucks, and I’d rather meet women in person.
I agree. The dating apps are just a fucking cesspool.
I haven’t talked to her since and won’t. It’s now been 2 weeks since our breakup. I’ve been hitting the gym and can already see my abs coming back.
I’ve been reflecting on the situation and have learned faults. Although this hurts and I still care for her, I have to move on because she blocked me.
Yeah, if she’s really not communicating with you at this point and you’re blocked, you can’t really communicate if you’re blocked. But the important thing is, if she does come back, and more likely she’ll reach out at some point in the future, you’ve got to let her know and you’ve got to be able to communicate to her how you hurt her. And I go through this in “How To Be A 3% Man.” Because right now, if I was talking to her, she wouldn’t feel like you get it. She’s not going to feel like you understand why and how what you said and did was so hurtful to her.
Your actions communicated that you didn’t care. Even though you said you did, your actions didn’t communicate that. Because if you did, you’d want to know where she’s coming from. You’d shut your mouth, you’d let her do 80-90% of the talking and get her to open up. Because if you cared, that’s what you’d do. You’d want her to open up until she got to the point where she’s like, “Oh, I’m so glad we talked. I feel so much better. I love you.” And then you would have great make up sex.
There are consequences for not following the fundamentals in the book. And again, the book is based on the premise that you’ve got a normal, healthy woman and not a chick that belongs to the streets. This is for normal, healthy women. And like I said, because you had a great relationship for two years, as you said, it doesn’t sound like she was a lunatic, but admittedly, you just stopped dating and courting her. You forgot this simple formula: hang out, have fun, hook up. You left out the communication part.
I’m sure there’s probably going to be some beta males going, “Oh, Corey, it’s always the man’s fault!” Well, the man is the one that wrote me the email, and I’m going through his email and I could tell what he did wrong. Because I made these mistakes, and I wrote about these mistakes and how to prevent them. He read the book five times, and he didn’t follow instructions. It’s not my fault. It sucks for him, I feel bad for him, but he did it to himself and he’s experiencing a lot of pain. But pain is life’s way of telling you that what you’re doing is wrong and you need to move in a new direction.
So, if you’ve got a challenge in your personal or your professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“A woman knows that if a man truly cares about her, he makes the effort to continually date and court her properly to continue their love story. A man who doesn’t care becomes complacent and then argues and makes excuses for no longer taking the time to make her feel heard and understood. If you stop dating and courting your woman properly and no longer take the time to make her feel heard and understood, eventually some other guy will.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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