The consequences of being a pushover nice guy with women, and how you can avoid these mistakes that way too many men make.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss a very insightful email from a guy who realized the consequences of being a pushover nice guy after finding my work and realizing his mistakes. He met a woman on a dating app and was projecting his fantasy of what he wanted onto her and didn’t notice all of the red flags that should have caused him to reject her and move on to find someone else.
She later revealed to him that she was lying when they first met and that she was actually dating and sleeping with another guy. The email is full of avoidable mistakes and bad mindsets to learn from and avoid. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The reason I chose this email is because he puts a lot of insightful detail looking back on the whole situation and what happened with this particular woman that he was involved with. He was projecting his fantasy of what he wanted and not really paying attention to the fact that she wasn’t matching his fantasy. And there were some red flags that came up that he completely ignored.
And then after the fact, at the very end, when they kind of went their separate ways, he was being too much of a nice guy, come to find out, she admitted that she was lying to him when they first met. Because she said she had been seeing somebody and was single. They met on a dating app, and it turns out when they first started seeing each other, she was actually dating and sleeping with another guy.
So it’s a good, insightful email. What I like is he’s looking back on it and he’s reflecting. This is what you want to do, not only in your romantic life, but your negotiations, your business negotiations. You look at your friendships, your relationships with other people, how you handle certain things, so you can learn from them and become better the next time around.
Don’t be a doormat, it never ends well. When you act like a doormat, it just shows you’re not willing to stand up for yourself, and that causes you to attract people into your life who will take advantage of you — people that will borrow money from you that you supposedly think are your friends. You lend them money, and then you never hear from them again. I’m sure many of you watching this have had that experience and learned the hard way. You just don’t lend money to people, especially close friends. Most of the time, it doesn’t end well, especially when it’s a lot of money.
I appreciate you and am grateful to have found your work. It has been illuminating on many levels, as I realize how much of a pushover nice-guy I’ve been through many situations in my life. I’m listening to How To Be A 3% Man Audible on repeat and watching your YouTube videos – just on my 3rd cycle and learning a lot. I will read/listen to it at least 7 more times.
I’m recently getting over a rejection where I put way too much into it, thinking she was “the one.” We met on a dating app. She’s 36 and I’m 32, so there was that mismatch, and then I didn’t at the time see how her level of attraction was not that high – maybe a 5 or a 6.
Most people don’t end up with somebody that’s exactly their age, so that’s not really a mismatch issue. I still date women 25, 30 years younger than me. If a girl likes you, she likes you. And if you like her, she likes you, or if you like each other, it doesn’t matter. The reality is men, their sexual market value tends to peak as they get older. And obviously women, just because of the biological clock, tend to peak sooner, because they literally run out of time. They’re not able to have kids when they’re older.
She had all the attributes I wrote out a few days before meeting and seemed to be a perfect fit. I was projecting and thinking there was something forming that wasn’t there.
I’ve been guilty of this many times as well. You get excited when you meet somebody and you really click with them. You just think, “Hey, God smiled on me today. The universe has sent the perfect person into my life. Everything looks good. This must be the one I’ve been waiting for.” And then you just assume that, and because you’re acting upon that assumption, you start ignoring little things.
And what happens is you take yourself out of the game. In other words, you stop being open to meeting other people, because you’ve assumed that you met the one. And what that usually does is it closes you off to other possibilities. It may even be better, because what I’ve found, especially when it comes to women, they tend to come in twos. You’ll meet one after like a dry spell, and then all of a sudden another one, within a matter of days or a week or two, you’ll meet.
So if you just grab the first one that comes along, maybe you grab the wrong one. Maybe you grab the one that the universe has sent to test you, to help you overcome your weaknesses or your blind spots, or just to help you make the right choice. Because whatever you allow into your life, whatever you tolerate, you’re literally inviting more of.
Because of travel on both our parts, we had our 3rd date on her birthday, 2 months after meeting and having only had pretty short dates beforehand but a few phone/FaceTime calls, (that I let go on way to long and killed the mystery).
The idea is, just like in sales, you’re going to sell your prospect in person. And so obviously, when it comes to a date, you’re selling yourself as a potential romantic partner and you do that in person. Because when the signs are there, like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, it’s up to you to escalate.
And obviously, if you’re just FaceTiming all the time and trying to get to know each other that way, there’s no physical intimacy that can happen. And more often than not, what ends up happening is you end up talking the other person out of liking you.
She didn’t want to sleep with me, but maybe would have if I was more dominant.
Well, if you understood the two steps forward, one step back philosophy that’s in my book, you were probably correct. And oftentimes when a woman says, “I’m not going to sleep with you” or if she’s coming up to your place and she says, “I don’t want you to think I’m having sex with you tonight,” when you hear that, basically what it means is “I’m going to have sex with you, as long as you don’t talk me out of it.” So keep that in mind.
I was so caught up in feeling she was the one that I was in my feminine and didn’t read the situation right. I spent a few months feeling sorry for myself, and it led me to explore your work which I am grateful for. I let her sleep in my guest room that night, and she said things like “Most men would have kicked me out or made me sleep with them” – this is after I took her to dinner, got flowers, presents, gave a massage, and in general showered her in (way too much) affection for having not slept with her yet.
So, he’s kind of treating her like a girlfriend and a wife, even though they really haven’t done anything. He’s trying to be extra respectful, be the nice guy.
Earlier she had told me she couldn’t sleep with me yet, which was probably just a test – I played the high road and said I would respect that.
You’ve got to remember the two steps forward, one step back. A delay is not a denial. It just means you’re going a little too fast. It means you need to just slow it down a little bit. Spend more time talking, petting, caressing, whatever it happens to be, and then you take a little run at it 10, 20 minutes later to see if you can escalate things physically a little further once she’s comfortable.
I did have a sense that she may have been in an abusive relationship. She might have been dropping a hint, but I realized I’m better to have not spent any time inside of her. I should have ended it there, but thought she just needed more time to open up, having been just out of a 4+ year relationship (with a man in his early 60s). I was weak and held onto a friendship with the possibility for more, for a while, putting myself through excess emotional turmoil.
I remember what this was like for me when I was young and didn’t know any better. It’s like the days, the weeks, the months they just rolled by, and she’s in the back of your mind. You’re thinking, “When am I going to get my chance? When am I going to make the next move? When am I going to see her again?” And it’s like you can’t even think straight, because that person is always on your mind.
And in reality, if you’re in that kind of a situation, it’s probably because you’ve got a fantasy you’ve become attached to and you’re ignoring the reality that there’s just nothing happening. Because most women are going to sleep with the average guy by the second or third date, as long as the guy knows what he’s doing.
I finally decided to tell her how my strong my feelings had been. I felt I needed to express it fully to let go of them, and maybe she could be a friend in the future and help me meet a younger woman, (she’s Japanese and I definitely have an affinity for women from Japan, as I love their culture).
Yeah, right. You’re going to be friends with this girl after you’ve had all this fantasizing about her? That’s totally unrealistic.
I did realize we were not a perfect match, and maybe it was a deeper intuition that kept me from stepping into my masculine and being dominant.
Well, obviously, you just weren’t used to that, because, as you said, you were a pushover, nice guy. You’ve got to understand, part of the seduction process, when a woman, if you’re in the process of seducing her and she stops and maybe she starts putting her some of her clothing back on and then she says, “I’m not ready,” you look at that. Because you’ve got to understand from a woman’s perspective, she wants to be able to feel safe and comfortable, and if at any time she doesn’t feel that way, she wants to be able to tell you to stop and you’ll stop and respect that.
But it doesn’t mean you stop permanently. It just means you stop, because in that moment, she’s not feeling safe and comfortable enough to progress things a little further. That’s why you spend more time the next 10, 20 minutes just talking and getting her to open up more. And then, as she starts to feel safe and comfortable again, she becomes more affectionate and touchy feely, and then you kind of pick up where you left off 10, 15, 20 minutes before, because then she knows that you’re not going to force her to go anywhere beyond what she’s comfortable with.
So oftentimes, her stopping you and you respecting that and being cool for 10, 15, 20 minutes, and talking and not trying to escalate, and then you escalate again, further, you’re communicating that she can stop it at any time if she’s uncomfortable, which is the way it should be. And then she respects you, because you’re a man that’s in control of your emotions. You don’t just act upon your impulses and then force yourself on her. You’re willing to, because if you’re used to seducing women and getting what you want, you don’t have to force anybody. It’s just a natural process of the unfolding of the evening.
As it wouldn’t have lasted or been a relationship that would have fulfilled me. She then told me she had lied to me on our first date and was seeing/sleeping with someone else, (that conversation was 4 months after we met).
Yeah, because now she feels comfortable, she feels safe and she feels she can really be honest on where she was at. And he thinks she’s a single girl and comes to find out she’s sleeping with some other dude when they met.
She had told me I was the first person she went out with after this long relationship, and we were communicating in a way that made me think she wasn’t really seeing anyone else – that was my naivete.
I played it cool in conversation and just realized that she is a dishonest person and doesn’t belong in my circle, our values don’t align.
This is exactly why you date. Dating is like test driving a car. You don’t know what you don’t know. And like I’ve said many, many times, I say it in “How To Be A 3% Man” also, is that people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. This is what you’re looking for. And so, now after four months, She’s revealing what was really going on in the beginning, because she feels she can be a little more honest with him and a little more forthcoming. And that’s just one of the things that he knows that she was dishonest about. So, you don’t know what you don’t know.
I had that moment where I reclaimed my power after having given so much of it up in a BS search for romance with the wrong woman. I finally saw who she was and saw through my own projection.
So, isn’t it cool how he goes through this process and realizes what happened? And now he can see clearly everything that went on and where all of his mistakes were. So the next time around, he’ll be a little bit more cautious, he won’t be so much of a nice guy, pushover, and he’ll set and enforce healthy boundaries, which will cause her to respect him more and become more attracted to him.
And when she respects him more and is more attracted, she’ll become intimate quicker. She’ll feel safer and more comfortable opening up, so you can find out what’s really going on under the hood, so to speak, to determine whether or not you want to buy this particular vehicle.
Anyway, just want to thank you for your work, it’s been enlightening. I’ve no problem approaching beautiful women and getting their numbers, but now I understand attraction on a deeper level, and I will attract the right woman to be in my life.
You’ve still got to prequalify all of them. Just because it looks good on the outside, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been in a ton of car accidents and isn’t all jacked up on the inside.
I realize I’ve made many of the mistakes you describe from your 20s and feel great about being 32 years young, ready to attract a great partner. If you have any advice, I will gladly receive it. Feel free to share any insight from this in a YouTube video if I can remain anonymous. I will donate to you in the near future.
Cool. Well, thanks for the email. And I really like the way you detailed what happened, your thought processes, because I know it’s going to be helpful for other guys that are going through the same thing. Because so many dudes go through this, especially when you take into consideration the media and the movies, and what Hollywood cranks out, where this is how you’re supposed to behave with women — just kind of be a doormat, and eventually they’ll see what a great guy you are and want to marry you and have lots of babies with you.
And in reality, in the real world, this is what happens when you behave this way. You attract women in your life who are looking to take advantage of your naivete, just like he found out.
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“Human beings in general do not respect pushover nice guys who are too afraid to stand up for themselves. They let other people take advantage of and mistreat them because they fear losing out on friendship, opportunity and romance if they upset other people. There’s a fine line between being too nice and getting taken advantage of and being too much of a jerk that turns people off to the point that they want nothing to do with you. Never allow people to disrespect yourself and your dignity or tolerate people who constantly violate your boundaries and mistreat you. Good people who are good to you and good for your soul will respect your boundaries and appreciate you more for setting and enforcing them.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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