The Courtship Is Not Progressing. Am I Doing Something Wrong?

How to figure out why your courtship is not progressing after several months of dating.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27 year old viewer who has been following my work for about 8 years. Even though he’s been following my work for a long time, when he describes his actions and the responses of the woman he’s dating, he sounds like a rookie with limited experience. He’s been dating a girl who lives in his apartment complex for about 2 months, but it’s not really progressing. He’s just not smooth and his game is sloppy and robotic. I tell him what to focus on instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “The Courtship Is Not Progressing. Am I Doing Something Wrong?”

Well, let’s take a closer look. So this particular email this guys says he’s 19 years old, or he started following me when he was 19, and now he’s 27. So he’s been following for about 18 years, or I should say eight years. And when I went through his email, it just looks like he may have been following me for a long time. But just the way he’s behaving and interacting with this girl, it kind of looks like he just hasn’t had a lot of practice.

And so he’s not really picking up on when to move forward, when to back off. And even he admits that he when he’s trying to seduce the girl, he’s just not very good at the two steps forward, one step back. And over the course of eight years, you should have gotten a lot of practice in especially being a young dude like yourself. But let’s go through his email and see what we can see.

Viewer Email:

Coach,

I first just want to start off by saying thank you for all that you do, your work has truly changed my life and mindset. I have been following you since I was 19 (I’m 27 now) and I’ve also read 3% Man 17 times.

Well, it’s great that you’ve read it 17 times, but most importantly, repetition is the mother of skill. Excellence is not a singular act. It’s a habit. You are what you do repeatedly. And so, it’s great that you know the material, but you really have to interact with women, especially women you care about, and you like, where your emotions are engaged. Because that’s when the test of your internal testicular fortitude comes into play.

When you resist the urge to do things according to the way you used to think, and instead do them aligned with the actions and principles that are taught in The Book. And so you have to have enough time applying what’s in The Book and seeing it work in your life to have enough life experience to overcome the emotional conditioning and programming that you would have seen when you were younger.

I’m at the point now where I am reading it 1-2 times a year to just refresh my memory.

Well that’s perfect. That’s what you should be doing.

To make a long story short, I am stumped with a woman (21 year old) that I met almost two months ago. She lives at my apartment complex. Probably not smart I know lol.

Well, I mean, in all fairness, if you’re walking around with a cute girl in your apartment complex and you’re out at the pool or whatever, and then another pretty girl sees you with another pretty girl that’s only going to work to your advantage. Women like you more if they think or they see you with other pretty girls. That’s just a fact of life.

But I approached her while at the pool, we hit it off well, and ended up back up at my place for drinks. We did not have sex that night but we did kiss, she also asked me for a second date a couple days later to which I responded “Absolutely” and set a date on the spot. We went out that night (our first “official” date and had a great time.

So you should be looking at an official date. What is a date? You could have a picnic basket and some beers and some sandwiches or whatever, and go sit out by a lake. Or go sit in a park under a nice tree. It doesn’t have to be something expensive. A date is just really getting together to hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and seduced, to make your move, to escalate things physically.

So don’t get hung up on trying to imprint everything exactly the way it is in The Book, into the real world. When I see a guy talking like this, after following me for eight years and reading The Book as much as he has or supposedly has, it just doesn’t look like he’s done very much practicing. In other words, he’s kind of been sitting on the sidelines reading and watching videos, but doing very little interacting to get better because after following me for eight years, he should be a lot better than he is.

I made sure I took her to 3 different places, she was touching me, holding my hand, and we kissed during the date. She ended up coming back to my place once again to which we fooled around again but no sex. This is where I feel things start to go sideways, I called her 5 days after our date to setup another for 2 days in advance, same thing happened. 

I didn’t hear from her for 4 days, and she ended up texting me saying that “ I’ve kind of been freaking out and need to talk to you about how I’m feeling”

So if you’ve only been out on a handful of dates and a girl tells you that she’s freaking out, does that sound like a mentally balanced person? Does this sound like a woman that’s got her shit together? Or does this sound like a girl that’s maybe got some emotional problems? Because you’re looking for easy going, easy to get along with.

A woman who acts normal, has a good relationship with her mom and dad, and the worse the girl’s relationship is with the father, the more difficult she’s going to be to date, the harder it’s going to be for her to trust men or trust men in general, and just generally be somebody that brings peace into your life. Instead of more than likely, a girl like this is probably going to bring chaos.

So I knew this couldn’t be good. She ended up coming over, and she told me that she just wanted to make sure that there’s no expectations and she mentioned that when she starts feeling too close to a guy, she backs away.

Well, the fact that she’s having to reiterate no expectations, that tells me you’re coming on way too serious. And the things you’re doing and the things you’re saying, because women don’t just say shit like that in a vacuum. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And she’s basically telling you that, hey, you’re way more into me than I am into you, and that makes me back off. So the fact that she’s saying that tells me that he’s pursuing too hard. He’s saying things, and the vibe he’s giving off is communicating that he’s goo goo gaga over her, and she’s just kind of like, ehh, towards him.

Again, if you’ve been following me for eight years and read The Book that many times and this is happening to and you’re perplexed, that just tells me you’ve not done very much practicing with women in the real world. So most of your knowledge of the book is intellectual knowledge. It’s not real world experience. And that’s the important thing. Reading The Book goes hand in hand with practicing it.

Me understanding that women are like cats and need their space to think about you and contemplate their feelings. I was calm, understanding, and told her that I did not have any expectations, I just wanted to continue hanging out, having fun, and seeing where things go. She ended up staying over, had some wine, and we fooled around once again but no sex. I know I have to get better at two steps forward, one step back.

Again, that’s just what it looks like. Is a total lack of experience on his part and that’s on him.

It has been three weeks since that conversation and she’s told me that she appreciates how I give her space and she likes the fact that we don’t see or talk to each other that often.

Well, that’s a good sign.

We have had sex multiple times since that conversation, it took about 2-3 weeks.

Well, most of the time women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. And so that’s going to be 2 or 3 weeks after your first date typically, or when you first meet. But if you’re the one trying to meet her too often, too soon, where you’re reaching out to her, again, it’s just based on what she said.

It communicates to me that you were pushing too hard, too into her, and whatever happened, you gave off the vibe that you were really serious about her and wanting to be boyfriend girlfriend. Because again, women don’t say the things like that girl said in a vacuum about, hey, we’re just casual. I’m not looking for anything serious. Women only say that when they feel like they’re losing their freedom.

But, ever since that conversation, every time we get together, I don’t hear from her for 4-5 days on average. We are heading into the 7^th week of dating.

Again, dude. Stop trying to imprint exactly what’s on The Book onto your girl. Because you’re clearly making mistakes when you’re hanging out and you’re communicating too much interest. Probably coming off as a little needy and way more serious about her than she is about you. And so the more you display unattractive behavior, those deadlines or those guidelines that are in the Book are just really not going to match up.

Because she’s never getting to the point where she’s really unsure of where she stands with you. And it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And I would say with this particular girl, it’s the opposite. You’ve been way too clear way to into her. And she can tell you’re digging her way more than she’s digging you.

And I can tell that she is nowhere near the point of being in love with me. Naturally, I feel the Illusion of Action coming on, but I resist the temptation.

Again, I hear what you’re saying. You’re aware of it. You’re aware that you’re doing too much, but yet you’re still doing too much. Just because of what she said about not being so serious. And the fact that it seems like your interest is going up and hers is kind of flatlined. So that tells me she’s too sure of where she stands. You’re making it super crystal clear.

We do have a good time when we hangout and we have sex most of the time (I can hear you saying, WELL WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? LOL) but not every time we get together. She has told me that I make her nervous and the fact that I’m older than her makes her nervous because “she doesn’t know what she’s doing”. I am now at the 7th week of dating, giving her space, and allowing her to come to me by only reaching out once a week.

Yeah, if you’re still reaching out once a week and she’s still going 4 or 5 days and you don’t hear anything, then wait a week and a half, because what you’re trying to do is you’re trying to outwait her. You’re trying to outlast her. You’re trying to be unpredictable and mysterious. And if you just always like a robot, contact her every week and you ignore the fact that her interest is just kind of flat, then that tells me, because you’re so into her, you’re having a hard time backing off, because again, it’s when she if she expects to hear from you every week and then all of a sudden a week and a half goes by, maybe 12 days goes by, maybe full 14 days, because you’re trying to stretch it out.

Because by this point, she should be doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing. And so what this tells me, and again, I’m just going to assume that she’s normal and healthy. There were some signs that she may be a little Froot Loopissh, but you should have matched and mirrored her lack of interest, her lack of effort, her lack of enthusiasm with pushing the dates further out into the future. And instead of reaching out every single week like a robot, recognize that the last time you went out with her, her enthusiasm really didn’t grow since the previous week.

And so you should look at it and go, okay, well, now I’m going to I’m going to wait to call or I’m going to wait more than a week to get back in touch and see if that has any effect on her, because, as he said, he already knows he’s suffering under the illusion of action. And when you hear her feeling or worrying that he’s getting too serious about her, that tells me that he’s showing too much of his hand, if you will. He’s making it too obvious that he’s super into her, and she’s just not at the same place.

And it’s clearly frustrating him that it’s not progressing because he knows he’s way more into her than she is into him. And it’s pretty obvious that he’s communicated that since they started dating and women like you more, if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. And when you’re constantly communicating that you’re more into them than they are into you, this is what you’re going to get. Again, assuming that she’s normal and healthy.

I just thought we would be further along than we are. She texted me two days ago and told me “JUST FINISHED MY FIRST DAY OF WORK”. I assumed that she wanted to see me because she reached out and I asked when she was free to get together to talk about her first day.

I would have said, oh, that’s awesome, let’s get together and catch up. What’s your schedule like?

She told me that she didn’t know her schedule and would definitely get back to me. Two days go by, I’m at the pool for a couple hours and guess who walks in lol. We talk, laugh, she’s touching me, and we have a great time but I did not ask again when she was free to get together because she told me she would let me know what her schedule was.

Well, she’s running into you at the pool. Maybe she looked out her window and saw that you were by the pool, then came down to see you. This is what women do. It’s just like being in the gym, working out. And she comes and sits in the machine across from you and stares at you. Even though you may have noticed that the body part of the machine she’s sitting on in front of you was not the body part that she’s been working on that day.

So when women like you, they put themselves into your orbit. And you should have recognized when she came over, I would have been like, what are you doing later? If she’s coming over to hang out at the pool? I would have been like, what are you doing? Later? I would just invite her to come hang out with you. But did he do that? Nope.

I ended up leaving the pool first and she seemed disappointed, did I do the right thing by not asking her out again?

Assume that she’s there because she saw you at the pool and came down to talk to you. This is this is how women operate. They’re not going to come down and go, hey, guess I guess what? I checked my schedule so now we can go out again. She just came and hung out and expected you to know what to do with that.

Any clarification or possibly answering this in a video newsletter would be amazing and hopefully your answer will help not only me but other men as well.

Thanks for all that you do, Coach!

Best,

Bob

So that’s what I would do if I were you, my man. So I would wait two full weeks. I would give a 14 days just to see if she reaches out to you. If she does reach out to you, invite her over to make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up. Or you go out and do something. But that’s what I would do if I were you. If you don’t hear from her for two full weeks, then I would reach out and try to set the next date. So what it looks like is you’re just not backing off enough because the idea is you go out and you spend time. If it looks like her interest hasn’t gone up that week, or it’s flatlined or worse, it’s dropped, then stretch out the amount of time that you’ve seen her. But I can tell this guy is focused.

Oh my God, seven weeks. She’s got to be in love with me and she’s not there let me do something. So instead of backing off, you’re seeing her a little too much. So she’s too sure of herself. And so even though you didn’t ask her out when she came by at the pool and you ended up leaving first, that’s the kind of thing that makes her go, Does he not like me? Did he meet somebody else? He didn’t ask me out. Huh. I wonder why that is. And when she can’t take it anymore, that’s when she’ll reach out to you. And then you just simply make the next date, hang out and have fun and hook up.

It’s pretty simple. So, like I said, my my take from looking at this is you’re just not backing off enough and giving her enough space. When you notice that her interest is is lukewarm because you feel like you have to see your every single week. And the reality is, if her interest doesn’t go up, if it’s just flat or it’s going down, then you need to give her the gift of missing you. Because the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And if she’s taking your attention for granted, then you got to let her wonder. If you’re always like a robot, reach out every single week, then go two weeks, go a week and a half.

And so, like I said, in this particular case, since you saw her at the pool, I would wait 14 days to reach out next or 12 to 14 days, whatever it is, just because you want her to get to the point where she can’t take it anymore and she reaches out to you. And then if you make a date, you’ll notice that when you do get around her, she’s more excited, she’s more enthusiastic, she’s more frisky. She has her hands on you more, and she’ll be much more flexible and down to do whatever it is that you want to do, as long as you guys are together. And so I would say you just haven’t been matching and mirroring her lack of effort and interest because you’re so focused on how you feel about her.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.