The Damage Over-Pursuing Does

The danger and damage it does to a woman’s perception of a man when he goes from over-pursuing, over-texting and acting needy while being stuck in friends-zone, to letting her do most of the calling, texting and pursuing when they finally become romantic lovers.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shares a story of how he went from over-texting, over-pursuing and acting needy, thereby getting himself stuck in friends-zone, to how he was able to cause her to fall in love with him and ask him to be her boyfriend. However, after three months of dating, she started complaining and nagging that he does not text her all the time at work, send good morning texts, etc. He then told her that when he used to do this, she basically took him for granted, kept him in friends-zone and jerked him around. She told him that she does not feel loved and broke up with him because she feels like she has to do all of the calling, texting and pursuing.

This is a classic case of what happens when you spoil a woman and condition her to expect your over-pursuit, which turned her off in the beginning, to your backing off which attracted her to you. Why it’s nearly impossible to change a woman’s perception of you when you over-pursue in the beginning, and how this creates unnecessary problems and drama after she falls in love with you. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hey Corey,

I am glad I found your work. Thank you for publishing your book and for all of the videos you have made on YouTube. (You’re welcome. It’s what I do. It’s my purpose.) After reading your book twice, and yes 10-15 times I know, I immediately stopped doing all of the needy things I used to do chasing this one girl. Quick background: she’s a single mom with three kids, whom I love like they’re my own. (If you’ve only read the book two times, it won’t be instinctual enough.)

In the beginning, I would chase her by calling and texting every day. After work, we would meet up and make out in the car, but she rejected all of my date requests. She friend-zoned me, told me I’m too needy, and she wasn’t looking for a relationship. (It sounds like she wasn’t interested in having a relationship with you.) I was that 97% man. I’m striving to be a 3% man. After four months, she finally agreed to a date. (This tells me you might not have backed off completely with your pursuing.) After two months of dating, she said she loved me and brought up being boyfriend/girlfriend. With a smile on my face, I said yes. Three months in, she complained that I never call her anymore and I don’t text her at work. She also brought up that she hates the baby daddy, yet he texts her more then I do. (If a woman starts complaining that you don’t call or text too much, just surprise her with a simple text once a week.) I call her once a week, and during the week I stopped texting her good morning and how’s your day going. I only text if she texts me, and I never call her unless she calls me. I do struggle with staying on the phone with her for more than just planning dates. (You don’t know the book, and it’s not instinctual, so you keep making mistakes.) When she calls, we talk for more than ten minutes, and I do bring up at the end of the conversation making a definite date. We go out twice a week.

Tonight, she called to say she feels like she’s doing all of the pursing and freeing up her time for me. She kept nagging that I don’t text her during the day, and I messed up by saying this, “Babe I’ll be honest. In the beginning, all of the texting I did caused you to friend-zone me. I’m not trying to get friend-zoned, but when I do have something important to tell you, I wait until I see you in person, because I don’t want to run out of things to say while we’re on our date.” (It’s probably not a good idea to say something like that to a woman. She’s trying to say she wants your attention, and you’re trying to justify your behavior.) She wasn’t having it and said, before we got together, I would always call her, even if it was to chat. She broke up with me telling me it’s because she doesn’t feel loved. I know that’s what she was feeling at that time, but if it weren’t for your work, I would probably be blowing up her phone. Thank you for your work, because my mentality now is, I still love her and I’m glad I met her, but if she doesn’t want to be with me, then I hope she finds someone that will make her happy. (At this point there’s not a lot you can do. Just don’t call or text her again. Wait to hear from her. You spoiled her with the over texting and over pursuing in the beginning, and because you didn’t know the book well enough, you were unable to modify and adjust your approach accordingly and did not pursue her enough.)

I hope you write another book!

Bob

“It’s very difficult to change a woman’s perception of you after you have over-pursued, over-texted and acted needy while trying to date her, but been firmly stuck in friends-zone for several months. If you are able to exercise emotional self-control and back off so she starts to pursue you and develop romantic interest, once she falls in love with you, she may start to complain and nag that she has to do most of the pursuing. This makes it almost impossible to find a healthy balance between pursuing too much, which turns her off, and not pursuing enough, which also turns her off, because now she will expect you to behave the same way you did in the beginning. The phone is for setting dates, not getting to know someone. If you violate this principle in the beginning of a relationship by texting and talking all day long, later on in the relationship she will think you no longer care when you don’t do this. Besides, when you talk constantly via the phone, texting or messaging, you’re not going to have much to talk about in person on your dates, which makes things boring and awkward.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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