The Difference Between Women Who Have High Interest Versus Low Interest

How to tell the difference between women who have high interest versus low interest.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 30-year-old viewer who recently moved to Chicago. He says he’s been on dates with about 100 different women in the last three years. He shares details on five recent women he went out with to get my opinion on which ones look promising versus the women who simply have low interest.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, I’ve got a good email that is really detailed that this guy sent in. He’s 30, and he recently, I guess, just relocated to Chicago. So he’s completely starting over, building a new social life. He says in the last three years he’s been out with about 100 different women. So pretty much all the women that he meet are for the most part, they typically are online dating. The five most recent ones that he’s met and gone out with, he kind of gives a little synopsis of each of them, nice little detail, and he wonders if some of these girls he’s wasting his time with.

So it’s a pretty good, detailed email. It’s obviously a little over 500 words. I don’t mind that when it’s a good email and they got good detail. Just don’t send me 10-pages. I’m not going to read a 10-page email on camera.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m 30 years old, and I recently moved to Chicago. I’m a student of your work. I’ve read the book four times, and I’m continuing to refine my awareness and self-mastery as I navigate the dating world.

I’m reaching out because I’m currently juggling several situations with different women. I’d appreciate your perspective on which, if any, are worth pursuing further.
I have been single for about three years and really struggle meeting the women I want or getting them to stay.

Well, one thing I want to say is, and everybody does this, I used to do it, when you don’t know any better is, if you have the experience of the women that you’re just not that into or just really into you, really crazy about you, and you’re not really doing much, then the women that you’re really into, it’s like the exact opposite experience. Even if they started out where they seem like they were really into you, what’s happening is you’re treating the women you really like and you have super high interest in different than all the rest of them. So you need to treat all women the same.

I mean, if you’re selective, if you take your time, you’re not in a rush, you’re not going to be drooling all over a girl, over-pursuing, chasing or trying to convince her why she should date and sleep with you or be in a relationship with you. You’re going to be taking your time and ideally going slightly slower than she is, because quite frankly, what the girls you don’t really care that much about, you’re putting them off, you’re busy, you’re doing other things, you’re mysterious, you’re not that available, and it absolutely drives them nuts for you.

So you’ve got to treat them all the same. You don’t want to change your behavior just because you’re dating a girl you really like, because 99% of the time when you do that, you’re going to talk, text and chase her right out of your life. Dry her up to the point where she’s not even going to want to date or see you anymore. So you got to have some awareness of that. You can’t get too excited because guys start treating girls like a celebrity, they start talking about the future, they call too much, they text too much, they’re in a rush to get into a relationship because they’re worried about losing her to somebody else, or they’re just driven by fear that she’s not going to be into them. Then what they fear they actually make happen because they display just way too much unattractive behavior.

So it’s something to be aware of, if that’s your experience, that the girls you really like always seem to disappear after two to three weeks. It’s because you’re treating them differently than the ones that you’re not that into.

I would dare say I go on first dates with new women at least once a week. Most of them I meet on dating apps. Physically, they tend to fall in the 6–8 range, but almost all of them have either attended very prestigious universities or hold impressive, high-level jobs. I have been struggling getting second or third dates with most women. I wouldn’t exaggerate if I say I have been out with over 100 women on first dates in the last three years. I would say 80 of these I met on dating apps and 20 in person. Random places I’ve met some of these girls in person include a bus stop, a library, and a FedEx store to name a few. 

Well, it’s really just if you’re good at small talk, you can meet women any time, any place, anywhere.

Here’s a detailed breakdown of each situation:

Girl #1 (Co-working space, ~28 years old, met in person)
: I met her a few months ago at a co-working space. I asked for her number, and she gave it to me. I invited her for a walk. She replied once and then never again.

Why would you invite a girl on a walk if you don’t like a girl enough to sit down and have a drink or two, or an appetizer, or break bread with her? Why are you inviting her out?

Since then, we see each other almost daily. There’s a polite smile exchanged, but no real conversation. Recently, we shared a short elevator ride and talked briefly. She was friendly, and the next day she smiled more than usual and complimented my outfit. I still have her number but haven’t texted again. Given her recent warmth, do you think it’s worth shooting a text to ask her out again?

I wouldn’t. If she likes you or her attitude changes, she’ll reach out. Dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and if she just completely ghosts you and ignores you, what does that tell you? She doesn’t have the attitude of, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you and go out with you. I’m really glad we met!” She’s like, “You’re not worth my time.” So she’s being polite and you’re being polite back.

Other than that, if somebody doesn’t think that you are worth their time to text you back, especially when you see each other sometimes, on to the next. She’s got no interest, low to no interest. She’s just being polite. Just like a stripper. “Oh, she really likes me.” It’s like, “How much money do you spend?” “But it’s not like that.” Again, you’re looking for a, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you!” There’s no enthusiasm when somebody just blows you off. They don’t give a fuck. They don’t care if you get hit by a bus. They’re just not interested.

Girl #2 (Co-working space, 26 years old, met in person)
: She also works at the same co-working space. We went on a date about three months ago that ended with kissing. A week or two later she texted that she didn’t feel a romantic vibe, though she had already been flaking on texts before that.

Well again, if a girl’s not replying to you, you don’t keep texting her. You’re looking for enthusiasm. Remember, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and she’s got to hit it back. If you text her and she just doesn’t even reply, she doesn’t care. You’re looking for enthusiasm. Don’t be begging for attention from a girl that doesn’t even think you’re worth the calories that it takes to move her fingers to text out a reply.

I didn’t see her for a few months because her company moved to a different location. A few weeks ago I texted her, and she responded warmly but said she only wanted to meet platonically. I said lunch would be fine, but I was clear that I wanted to take her out for drinks instead. She agreed to lunch.

Again, I wouldn’t be doing lunches because then you end up going and spending money taking girls out for free meals when they have no interest.

Two hours before the planned lunch, she asked to switch it to drinks that evening. I couldn’t that day, so I proposed Thursday. She seemed excited. Drinks are now planned for tomorrow.

Well, see what happens, but it’s possible she’s in a different headspace than she was. It may be a good sign that she’s willing to meet for drinks, so it’ll be interesting. Maybe you can write back later and tell us what happened. If she actually shows up and you have the date and how things go. Again, if a girl’s flaking, she’s either not interested or there’s another dude. I mean, even the first girl, you could text her and make two attempts, but the likelihood of that turning into anything, the odds are not in your favor, but what the hell? You give it the college try. It’s just more data for your analysis.

Me personally, I would only be wanting to date women that are excited and are respectful from the beginning. Girls that just blow you off and ghost you, when a woman’s used to disrespecting you like that, that just kind of shows that she doesn’t respect you as a man, and that behavior will continually show up even if you continue to see her. Easygoing, easy to get along with and who’s nice to you. A girl that just blows you off is not being nice to you.

Girl #3 (27 years old, met on dating app)
: We’ve gone on seven dates over the last two months, about once a week. She always claims she is too busy because she is a first year resident at a hospital.

Again, when the woman’s telling you how busy she is, it’s just not super high interest.

She’s attractive, smart, and accomplished.

So if you’re texting her to ask her out and she says she’s too busy, just say, “Well, when your schedule frees up, hit me up. I’d love to see you,” and leave it at that and never contact her again.

Communication between dates is minimal. I often initiate, and she typically takes 2–3 days to respond.

Yeah, she just don’t give a shit.

On our fourth date, she told me she didn’t want me seeing other women, saved me in her phone with a heart emoji, and said she only dates to marry. Despite that, she comes off emotionally cold and very “woke” in her mindset, even though she’s also very conservative. It’s a confusing combination.

Well, if you’re confused about her interests, it’s obvious her interest is kind of low. Maybe she likes the attention. She likes the free meals. If you’ve been out on seven dates and it hasn’t really gone anywhere, it just sounds like she enjoys your attention. The late, great Doc Love would have referred to her as a “professional dater.” Goes out on lots of dates and it’s better than staying at home looking at the four walls. She gets a free meal, and who knows? Maybe she meets one of your friends or somebody else that she likes when she’s out with you because again, it’s better than staying at home doing nothing.

She has strong traditional ideals and strong modern emotional defenses, and often tells me how I should think or what I should say.

That sounds like boss girl energy.

I texted her Monday with date plans. Haven’t heard back yet, and it’s now Wednesday.

That just sounds like you’re taking a girl out and buying her free meals. Anybody that waits more than 24 hours to reply is not that into you. They just don’t care. They don’t respect you. You’re not important. So why would you want to keep hanging out and trying to get the attention of girls that are like “Ehh?” When you’ve been out and had a relationship with the kind of women that I talk about in my book that have super high interest, it’s kind of like love at first sight, this kind of bullshit, you’re not going to want to deal with any of it. A girl takes 24 hours to reply, you’re just gonna not even reply. Even if she does reply, you’ll just be like, “That’s a no thank you,” because you get spoiled. When you’ve had super high interest it’s like, every one of these girls, so far I wouldn’t have been wasting my time with any of them, but you’re trying to get experience, and I think you should go and see what you can do.

Like I said, as soon as you date somebody that’s really super high interest from the get-go, all this confused attitude that you’re getting unsure where you stand, going out on seven dates, yet the girl still takes three days to reply to you, again I don’t hear anything physical going on. So it just sounds like you’re taking her out to nice dinners and spending money on her because she’s got nothing else to do, and she likes the free meal and enjoys your company, but it sounds like it’s just strictly platonic.

Girl #4 (26 years old, met in person)
: We had a one-time intimate encounter many months ago. Reconnected in July, and she told me she was seeing someone, but still went out with me.

Again, if you’re looking for a girlfriend and a girl tells you she has a boyfriend and she’s still willing to go out with you, she’s a liar and a cheater. It’s like, why waste your time with somebody like that? You’re sending a signal to the universe that you’re OK with lying, cheating and deviousness. In other words, send me more of those. I’ll take more of them. Wherever your attention goes, energy flows. I would not be screwing around with somebody else’s girl.

During the date she nearly kissed me, but then pulled back, citing the relationship. I didn’t push further. In September, she reached out again, and we became quite close as friends. Since then, we’ve met up weekly. Two weeks ago, we went on a very clear date. I took her to dinner and a few bars. We kissed and she told me she liked me and thought I was great. I reciprocated. Since then, she’s pulled back, takes long to reply and avoids setting a next date.

Yeah, she’s basically cheating on her boyfriend. So if things are not going well with her boyfriend, she’ll hang out with you. If you are dumb enough to get into a relationship with a girl like this, this is exactly what she will do to you when her interest in you is low. She’s not loyal to the current guy.

95% of relationships that start from cheating typically end in cheating. So she clearly doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy or exclusivity. You’re not going to fix her. Just because you’re a good guy doesn’t mean that she’s going to change for you. That’s just how she operates. So again, I wouldn’t be messing with her either, but it’s your life. You do you, boo boo.

Girl #5 (30 years old, met on dating app)
: We just had our first date yesterday. She’s beautiful, smart, and in great shape. We bar-hopped and ended the night at my place. The chemistry was strong. Toward the end of the night, she brought up seeing me again and we set a second date for Monday. I know your guidance is to let the woman reach out first after the first date…

That’s not my guidance. You’re going to make one date per week. Typically, most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. Then after that happens, they usually start reaching out, but if you don’t hear from them all week, then you reach out. As she starts to reach out to you first every couple of days, then you don’t really need to initiate anymore. So this tells me you really haven’t read the book, and that’s probably a big part of your problem, is maybe you’re cherry-picking videos.

So you’re going out with a lot of girls that have low to mediocre interest in you, and yet you still keep seeing them and spending time and money on them. Now, maybe that’s not an issue for you, but a lot of guys are on a budget and they’re not going to like going out with a bunch of girls like you’re doing and spending a lot of time and a lot of money and getting nowhere except blue balls. In this case, you hooked up with her. So out of all five, the fifth one is the one that has the most interest, because you guys hooked up. She was totally into you.

…But since she brought it up and I stayed calm about it, I felt it was fine to lock in another one. For now, we are meeting next week.

Well, if you’re on a date with a girl and she wants to know when she can see you again and is asking for a second date, it’s OK because it’s her idea.

I’m doing my best to stay centered and outcome-independent in all of this. But I’d really appreciate your insight. Which of these women, if any, show potential based on their actions?

Only number five, in my opinion. The other the first four aren’t worth your time or your money, but if you got nothing else to do, and for shits and giggles, and you just data for your analysis, it’s up to you man. If it was me, number five is the only one worth your time because you already hooked up.

Where might I be over-investing, chasing, or tolerating behavior that a 3% Man wouldn’t?

Well, the first four, like I said, I wouldn’t waste my time. You keep giving your time to women that it just goes nowhere and then they take three days. That just shows you don’t really value your time and you don’t respect yourself.

Also, if you’ve spent time in Chicago, where would you recommend I go to meet high-quality people, both in terms of girls to date and making new friends (Guys or girls)? I’m looking to build a strong social circle here.

Thanks again for the work you do!

Bob

Doing whatever social activities you like doing. So whether that’s the gym, the yacht club, the country club, the private club, or you got a favorite watering hole that you and your friends always hang out, it’s wherever you’re going to go that you’re going to have the most fun, that you’re going to enjoy, and you’re going to be smiling and having a good time, whether there’s other like-minded people, that’s what you do.

What I like to do for fun is going to be different from what you like to do for fun. So if you love rock climbing, there’s rock climbing clubs, there’s groups of people that get together and rock climb. There’s hiking clubs, sometimes if you live in an area where that’s big and popular. So it really depends. What are your favorite hobbies and interests? What things do you love doing the most? And go lose yourself in them and you’ll meet other like-minded people to become friends with, and women that you could potentially date, either directly or indirectly through the guy friends that you meet and befriend. At least you’re getting out there. You’re getting after it. You got a lot of data for your analysis.

Out of those hundred women, it looks like probably just based on the first, it’s like maybe 20 of those women were really interested in you. Just judging by the numbers on what you sent in with these five. It was a good detailed email. Thanks for all the data. Maybe you can send us an update down the road. Let us know how things turn out with the leftovers that you’re in the process of trying to reheat. Again, girl number five is the best candidate. That would be the girl that I would think is going to give you the best possible chance that something will happen that’s good.

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