In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is a thirty-six year old widower who lost his wife to cancer. He found my work after his wife passed away and he got back into the dating scene again. She was also a widower, but had recently broken up with a guy she dated after her husband had passed away. He details how he used what he learned in my book to cause her to blow off her ex and cause the ex to run himself right out of town by over-pursuing her.
They have been dating for about a year, and she just recently told him that she wanted to move in together. It’s another great success story detailing how you can eliminate your competition and win the heart of the woman you really want. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’m a 36-year-old widower with a young son. I’ve read your book 12 times now, (My best success stories over the years are always people that have read it 10 times or more, because repetition is the mother of skill), and I wanted to share how you helped me foster an amazing relationship.I found your work while getting back into the dating scene. You struck a chord with me when you said to be the woman’s rock. During my late wife’s tumultuous battle with cancer, she would always tell people that I was her rock. I kept my unsure and negative feelings away from her, saving them for my mother or when I was by myself. (That’s smart. Obviously, you’ve got somebody who’s got enough problems suffering from cancer. You don’t want to make her your therapist on top of that. If you’re fearful as a man, you’re not really being the rock and the mountain.)
I was there for her in every way, and when she passed, I was able to move forward, because I had no regrets. I knew I left everything on the table. In her final letter, she told me to find love again and to show our son what that looks like. (That’s fucking awesome. That’s one of the nicest things I’ve read in a while.)
As I was dating, I came across someone who knocked my socks off. She had been widowed for two years and had a couple of kids. I let her do 90% of the initiating via text or phone. It was hard to hang back, but I found that whenever I was dying to tell her something, I would just jot a note in my phone and talk to her about when we are together. That really helped. (That’s how you keep the mystery alive, because now with digital communication, we’re all constantly connected 24/7.)I also passed the ex-boyfriend test. She had been in a significant relationship before we met and unbeknownst to me, I came onto the scene only weeks after that had ended. (She obviously had a relationship that had gone through its course, so she’s going to have a lot stronger emotional bond to that guy, because of all their time together, and you’ve only been around for a couple of weeks.)
About a month into our dating the ex found out about me and started chasing with phone calls and texts. We were already having sex at that point, and one weekend she withheld sex for clearly a bullshit reason. I could see she was pulling back due to some lingering feelings, so I told her what I wanted. I said, “At the end of the day, I’m not interested in just being friends,” and then I let her pull back.
(That’s when that self love comes in that I talked about in the quote. When you love, value and respect yourself, you want somebody who’s going to treat you the same way. Relationships are a two-way street, not all one-way, and you deserve that. The way to show that you deserve that is to let it go. When somebody offers you those terms, whether it’s in a personal relationship or a business relationship, you have to walk away. It’s the strongest negotiating position)
Almost a week passed with no contact before she texted me about something funny she had seen, so I took the opportunity to set the next date, where the indoor Olympics resumed. (As I teach in my book, if a woman reaches out, you should assume she wants to see you and make the next date. You were prepared, because you read the book twelve times.)The ex eventually ran himself right out of town. (Because he obviously didn’t have as much self-respect and self-love as you did. He probably resorted to groveling and all sorts of other things, which is just a sign of weakness and part of the reason she got rid of him in the first place. Then you happened to come along right at the perfect time.)
The other thing I did right was whenever she talked about him contacting her, I never acted jealous or mad. (Love is about giving. It’s not about being jealous or possessive, because when you love and value yourself, you know that the right people will choose to stay in your life. And the ones who really aren’t on your team will say, “See ya!” and they’ll take off. Let them, because when you let them walk out of your life, now you’ve got a space for somebody else to fill, and the right person eventually shows up perfectly on time. The soul is never in a rush.)
She would ask, “Do you mind that I tell you about this?” I would reply, “It doesn’t bother me at all babe.” (That’s being the rock, being the mountain. “I don’t feel threatened by this guy. He’s an ex for a reason.” That’s the mentality. “If she goes back to him, then she doesn’t deserve me. Obviously, the universe has other plans in store for me.” That’s an abundance mentality. A fearful mentality would be, “I’m never going to meet anybody this awesome. I’m never going to meet anybody I like this much.” But in reality, it doesn’t matter how much you like a woman. If she isn’t reciprocating or feeling the same way, self love says, “It’s been great. Give me a call if you change your mind.”)
She would say, “Good, you have nothing to worry about.” I would even take the opportunity and say, “I mean I get why he’s chasing you, you are fucking amazing, come here,” initiating the indoor Olympics. (That’s perfect dude.)We are going on a year now, and the relationship has been awesome. Her words are, “It’s so easy being with you, and we have so much fun.” We are moving in together. It was her idea, which of course I saw coming.
(You learn the fundamentals, and you develop a sixth sense. You can see things coming, you can feel things coming, you can read it in the body language, and you can read it in the physiology. And the beauty of the stuff I teach in my book is these are things that spill over into other areas of your life. You can look at other people, whether you’re in a negotiation, or interviewing to get a job, or maybe you’re talking to investors to potentially invest in your company or your startup, and you can read their body language, open them up and work on creating more rapport. It really gives you an edge over most of the people that you’re going to meet.
When you recognize the weakness in the other party, especially in negotiation, and they don’t see what’s going on, that makes you feel more confident. The more confident you are and the more you believe in yourself and what you bring to the table, the easier it’s going to be for you to get the deals you want in life.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a masculine man becomes the rock and mountain for a woman he is dating, by giving her the space and freedom to come and go as she pleases, she will choose him over all other potential suitors, because his actions enable her to be who she really is. True love is freedom. Love is a gift from the heart and requires nothing in return. Love is not jealous, fearful, controlling or forceful. Love is not diminished by unrequited love, because love is about giving. Love of self is knowing that you are worthy of reciprocated love, even when you get rejected, because you know that eventually, you will find another whose heart sings the same song.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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