Why it’s always better to act upon your attraction or desire for someone you want to date instead of trying to fly under the radar and masking your true intentions and feelings, by saying you are interested in friendship when you are not, or denying that you don’t have any interest when you do.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who always had a strong sexual attraction for a female coworker of his for the past few years. However, she always had a boyfriend, so he kept his feelings to himself. She even got this boyfriend a job at the same company. A few months ago, they broke up. He said there has always been “accidental” touching from her towards him either at work or when they and their fellow coworkers went out for drinks after work. She always laughs at his jokes and thinks everything he says is hilarious. She even told him that he was number two on her list of male coworkers she found attractive.
Recently they were out together and he vomited his feelings all over her. She asked him what he wanted her to do with that and said she couldn’t date another coworker. However, she invited him to walk her to her car. He went for the kiss, and she kissed him back for about fifteen seconds until she backed away, saying it was too weird. He convinced himself it was weird also, and then stupidly told her that kissing her was like kissing his sister. This was a lie. He asks me what he should do now in order to undo his foolish mistakes and date her.
I am a 28-year old male, and she is a 26-year old female. She works in the office adjacent to mine, we’re both developers on the same team, and we’ve worked here for 2 1/2 years. She had dated a guy for a few years before working here, and got him a job here. He works in a different department, but a few months ago they broke up. Throughout the 2 1/2 years, we’ve developed a friendship, however, I thought she showed signs of romantic interest, as she told me I was number two behind some way older guy on her top five at the office in attraction. There was always “accidental” touching, like when coworkers would go out for drinks and we sat next to each other. She thinks everything I say is hilarious. (It definitely sounds like she’s interested in you. It’s important for you to read my book, because in it, I describe the signs women will exhibit when they’re into you.) I slowly developed strong feelings for her, but I never told her out of respect for her relationship. I fought them off, but I had to start ignoring her almost completely.
Now that she’s single we’ve been interacting a lot, and the feelings have come back very strongly. Thinking, because of our work situation, there would be no chance between us, I decided to tell her. I took her out, table for two, dimly lit, and we had drinks. I told her, but she didn’t say, “I just want to be friends.” She said, “What do you want me to do with that?” and later, “I couldn’t date another coworker.” (In other words, she’s saying, “You’re supposed to be the man. If you’ve got feelings for me, grow a set of balls and do something about that.” It’s pathetic, weak-ass, beta male behavior. Women don’t want to teach you how to be a man.) At the end, she went on about how she had to go through this scary dark alley to get to her car. I interpreted that as, “Hey, walk me to my car,” so I did. At the car I looked into her lips, then back at her, and she goes, “Oh, we’re doing this, huh?” I kissed her, we made out for a solid 15 seconds, and then she backed away and said, “Nope, can’t do it – too weird.” (She is confused by the perception she originally had of you versus your weak behavior on this date.) I felt a slight weirdness too, but I still enjoyed it a lot. I convinced myself it was weird. I sent her one text back at home jokingly saying, “It was like kissing my sister.” (You are digging a hole for yourself.) She laughed and said she wouldn’t mention it again, but then proceeded to mention it right away on Monday, and has mentioned it multiple times, but in a “Ha-ha, we found out we’re brother and sister” sort of way. She even mentioned for the first time, she had seen something between us when she was dating her ex boyfriend. (This is more of an indication she was attracted to you until you talked her out of liking you when you vomited your feelings on her during the date.) I actually felt relieved for a few days like I could have a normal friendship, but sure enough, the feelings came right back.
She’s now in Colorado on vacation. Another ex boyfriend paid to fly her out. She doesn’t know how I feel. I plan on basically saying I liked the kiss, I still have strong feelings, but I need us to keep as much distance as possible until I can find someone else. Is this the best course of action? Is there a chance in hell I could ever be with her? (The next time you see her, tell her you’d still like to take her out again. Be direct and decisive, and let her know you’re not interested in being friends only.)
Thank you for your help.
My response to him:
It was really stupid of you to try and mask your true intentions and feelings for your coworker after you successfully kissed her and then told her it was like kissing your sister. Come on man. It definitely looks like she has some interest, but now that you’re telling a lie that kissing her is like kissing your sister, now she’s starting to agree with you. In a way, you are apologizing for liking her so you wouldn’t look so silly if she ended up rejecting you. However, you still look silly. Be proud of who you are and what you have to offer a woman. See yourself as a gift to women. Instead, it seems like you see yourself as a last resort for women. Do not vomit your feelings all over her like the nonsense you see in movies and on t.v., thinking it’s going to cause her to love you and want to be with you.
When she gets back in town, I would ask her out on a second date. If she brings up that kissing you is like kissing her brother, or asks you about your previous comment that kissing her was like kissing your sister, say this, “Yeah, but it was more like kissing a step sister who secretly had the hots for me, so it was actually kind of nice and a pleasant surprise. Therefore, we can practice some more when we see each other.” If she makes the date, then hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. Call her once per week to make one date per week until she starts reaching out to you. Then you can just hang back and make the next date when you hear from her. Read my book 10-15 times, and apply what it teaches. The next time you feel like telling a woman that your interest is platonic when it’s not, start using the word “friend” to discuss the context of your relationship, or feel like telling her that kissing her is like kissing a sister, I want you to take your right hand and reach out and choke yourself. Don’t ever do that shit again!
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a man finds a woman attractive, the most masculine way to respond is to immediately express his interest without any fear of the consequences or potential for rejection. As long as a man shows up and expresses his interest without fear or shame, even if he gets rejected, at least she will respect him as a man for showing up. One of the worst things a guy can do that will ruin his chances of ever dating her and potentially having a relationship with her, is to pretend as if he is only interested in being friends, he has no romantic interest in her or try to be friends first in hopes that he can fly under the radar and vomit his feelings all over her at a later time. This is cute in movies, but it’s one of the quickest ways a man will lose a woman’s respect and blow his chances forever of dating her.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne