What you should do with women who feign romantic interest, but who only want attention and are manipulative.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has a female coworker who has been giving him mixed signals. She seemed interested at first with constant messaging and texting. Then he asked her out and she gave a BS excuse why she couldn’t meet him. A few days later she asked him to take her to the same restaurant only to have her invite several people from the office.
Once there she wouldn’t let him sit next to her, was rude to him and acted like he didn’t exist. She also exhibited strange behavior at the office, even sometimes yelling at him when she got irritated. He asks how he should handle this situation since he still likes her, but her behavior is a complete turn off. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This brings up some good office politics because you really shouldn’t dip the pen in company ink because it can go badly, especially when you’re in the corporate world. You get a woman who’s lying, who’s manipulative, who’s vindictive, can make your life a living hell. That’s why I like what he did, because you don’t really know what you’re dealing with, especially in a corporate world if it’s between you and her, the company always decides on her behalf.
So you’ve got to treat these things with kid gloves. The girl is expressing an interest. So he hangs out with her kind of in a friendly type of manner, because he’s trying to determine, because we’re all supposed to be vetting the people we date, trying to determine whether or not she’s a good person. She’s easygoing, easy to get along with? Is she honest? Is she nice to him?
You’ll see there’s all kinds of undesirable behavior, but despite all that, he’s gone, “I still like her.” You got to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is, and this girl is just not a nice person.
You got a woman who is kind of a bit of an attention whore, and she obviously likes the fact that other guys at the office are giving her attention and she doesn’t like it when her ego gets roughed up or you ruffle their feathers because she can be pretty nasty and vindictive. When you notice that kind of behavior, especially in an office environment, you should be like, “Yeah, I’m just going to keep that on a platonic coworker type of level. I wouldn’t want to get involved with somebody that behaves that way or thinks it’s OK to behave that way.”
Hey Coach Corey,
Thanks for sharing your work. I read how to be a 3% Man twice 6 years ago…
Come on, man. That’s half ass. If you’re really serious about getting this area of life handled, you got to read it 10-15 times. Read it twice six years ago? You don’t probably remember even 1% of what you read.
…And looking back at some relationship failures over the last couple of years I now realize that I sabotaged myself because for not retaining the material properly.
The guys that struggle, the guys that don’t listen? I mean, I see it in my phone sessions as well. I’d say probably 30%, 40% of the guys I talk to just won’t listen. They’re stubborn, they’re hard headed, and they think it doesn’t apply to them. They don’t need to read it 10-15 times, and when they start telling me their story and all the things they did, I’m pointing out like, “That’s right in the book dude.” You made it way harder on yourself than it needs to be.
I’m happy to coach them, but most people major in minor things. Most guys are lazy. They want, like the email I was doing yesterday with the robot, guys want to copy and paste. They want to just grab the right line or sentence out of the book, drop it into text and, “That just solves all my problems. Got that handled in 30 seconds.”
This is not something that you just fix with reading a book once or copy and pasting things from a video or a book. It doesn’t work that way. There’s just way too many subtle nuances. When you take into account the fact that we’ve all been propagandized with dysfunctional ways of living, ways that are unnatural for men to act in ways that are unnatural for women act, they’re out of alignment with our natural essence and the way the creator made us, you’re going to have problems.
If you don’t know, if you don’t take the time to read the book, it’s going to be really hard to undo a lot of that programming and recognize behaviors that you’re exhibiting that you think are the right way to be actually turn women off completely.
Last last year I decided to improve my relationship skills, read 3% Man 10 times…
Good. Nice job. Nice recovery there, but like I said, he realized he didn’t listen and he experienced a lot of pain. Then he realized, “Man, I was sabotaging myself because I didn’t listen to that shaved head dude on YouTube. Should have listen.” But hey, at least he’s back, because when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When you’re ready to get serious about it, at the end of the day, it’s all on you. You got to participate in your own rescue because ain’t nobody coming to save you or to fix you or to solve your problems. You got to do that yourself.
…But have not dated anyone yet because I became interested in a coworker.
Well, the idea is you’re trying to find out is she interested? Is she good for you? Is she a nice person? Is she easy going, easy to get along with? Does she treat you with respect? Is she nice to you?
Ideally, women who behave that way, they’re typically nice to their fathers. They respect their fathers. They don’t walk all over their fathers and dominate them and manipulate them into doing things that they want. Which is another thing, I see a lot of guys who go, “Oh, she’s got a really good relationship with her dad.” “OK well, tell me a little bit about that.” It’s like, “Well, he’s kind of a pushover and she walks all over him sometimes. She berates him, she manipulates him to buy her things that she wants.”
So he basically turned her into a tyrant, and then he’s surprised that the girl does the same thing to him. How the mothers treat the fathers and how the daughters treat the fathers is very indicative of how the daughter you’re trying to date is going to treat you. It’s very important. Apple does not fall far from the tree, as they say.
When I met her I was not physical attracted to her but she matched other bullet points from my desired ideal partner attributes list. She is smart, charming, fun, outgoing, kind of the light of our workplace and we used to banter a lot.
I started to measure her interest level on me as a high 7 because she was enthusiastic when meeting me at the office…
Yeah, you’re kind of overrating her interest, dude.
…Invited and shared her lunch with me, asked about my past relationships, grabbed me by the hand, texted me in the evenings about random things like how songs remind her of me. Overall she was very enjoyable to be around.
If she’s texting you in the evening and you’ve read the book 10 times, you should have invited her out on a date and not continue chit chatting for months on end. That’s a mistake on your part, because you’re trying to evaluate right away if she is a good person or if she’s not, because at least initially it’s like, wow it seems pretty cool, but there’s a lot of interactions, a lot of texting, a lot of talking, a lot of going to lunches and being pals.
In other words, you’re constantly interacting with her as a platonic friend while obviously harboring some kind of romantic interest in her. Even though you said I wasn’t really attracted to her, it’s obvious that you were interested in her for a period of time, but yet you didn’t do anything about it even though she’s calling you after work hours, outside work. Maybe the hint didn’t it didn’t hit you or maybe you were too scared to to make a move until you notice that she was losing interest or maybe even becoming disrespectful like she becomes.
One night she initiated contact texting me about Chinese food, so I invited her right away to an Asian restaurant on Sunday evening, to which she declined with a wishy-washy excuse, and I replied no worries we could do it another time.
I would say at that point, especially if he’s been talking to her for many months and hanging out in the office and being her pal and her buddy, but yet he never makes a move when he’s hanging out at lunch, she’s not noticing any signs of attraction and he’s just acting like the gay male girlfriend, if you will, then that’s kind of where he put himself. He kind of behaved like a platonic friend.
At some point she probably decided that’s all he was, and on some level, she probably didn’t respect him because she could tell he’s hanging out with her and he’s definitely interested in her, but yet he never does anything, doesn’t make a move, doesn’t say anything about his interest. Over time, that becomes disgusting to women because they can tell you liked him, but you don’t have the balls to go for it.
When you do that, when you interact with a woman from the office like that for many months on end and you hang out all the time and you go to lunches and you’re constantly chit chatting and texting, but you never do anything romantic and you never express any desire, even though she can see it and feel it and your body language and your physiology that you’re interested, she will lose respect for you as a man because you don’t have the balls to go for it. So that’s on you.
The following week a young foreign guy was hired at the office, and out of nothing she texted me asking when could we go to that Asian restaurant I told her about. I replied that we could go after work, she agreed and replied that she was going to tell other coworkers to join us.
So now she’s using blocker. It looks as if at this point she’s decided, “Yeah, this guy is just a friend.” She’s not looking at him as having romantic feelings because he didn’t do anything. More than likely, maybe she’s thinking one of the other male orbiters in the office is going to have the balls to do something, but you’ll see it doesn’t sound like those guys are a lot worse shape.
They arrived first and grabbed the table, and when I arrived there was an empty seat next to her which I went to but she stopped me and told me to take the seat at the other end of the table.
Ouch! You’re demoted to the practice squad. Go sit at the kids table, buddy.
To my surprise the new guy showed up later and apparently she was keeping the seat for him.
To rub it in your face, probably because maybe he expressed a little more confidence or whatever. So she’s making it easy for him to do something.
She did not stop talking during the evening, and specifically when I tried to bring up some conversation into the group she replied in a diminishing way, trying to nullify me and making comments about my appearance, job experience, etc.
It’s obvious that by this point she’s lost all respect for this particular guy, because again, he’s not man enough to do anything about his interest and the fact that she was, at least in the beginning, signaling that she was interested in him.
This is what happens when you interact for women months and months on end and you just completely keep your hands to yourself and you act like a eunuch, eventually she’s going to think, “Oh, this guy doesn’t have the balls to be a man. He’ll make a nice friend. He can come over and unclog my toilet after Chad Thunder Cock explodes it up with a bad beer shit the next morning before he leaves.” Maybe if he’s really nice, she’ll let him rotate the tires on her car and change her car battery and mow the lawn. Fix her sprinkler system. Do some minor electrical repairs around the house.
She was extremely nasty the entire evening, didn’t even say goodbye, and showed me a side of her that I would NEVER imagined before.
She doesn’t respect you at all as a man, for whatever reason. Maybe she also wanted to rub the other guy in your face, because you didn’t do anything. On top of that, she probably thought you wouldn’t stand up to her or call her out or say, “Hey, you’re being kind of rude or whatever.” You just stood there and took it.
I thought her behavior that night was because she liked the new guy, and tried somehow to elevate herself in front of him, and to be honest I did not care because I am not interested in being surrounded by people that invite you to supposedly have a good time but later turn out to be complete jerks.
When she behaves that way, it’s kind of like, “Check, please.” Why go out with somebody that thinks it’s OK to do that, especially in a public way for the other people if she’s going to berate you in front of other people? That’s not good. Easygoing, easy to get along with and nice and sweet to you, and she’s the opposite of that. Granted, you acted like a bitch by hanging out with her and being her gay male girlfriend for all those months, and that’s on you.
So you trained her to be this way. You trained her to lose respect for you as a man. On top of that, because she has so little respect for you, that’s why she’s now berating you in front of everybody.
I was not butt-hurt, so during the following days she asked multiple times to join group hang outs which I politely declined…
Yeah, you don’t want to go on group things. Plus, why give her another opportunity to berate you in front of everybody?
…And finally she asked me to take her out to the movies. I declined again and this time she threatened me…
That sounds nice.
…On how she was going to isolate me from the rest of our coworkers and cancel me.
So at the end of the day, you didn’t go out with her. You acted like a gay male girlfriend for too long, but now you’re seeing another side of her and you go, “That’s kind of gross behavior.” When a chick behaves that way, when she’s so disrespectful, it’s probably exactly how she treats the father. She’s just an ass to her dad.
She’s been trained to do this. She’s been trained that she can get away with it, and there are so many beta male orbiters that will put up with it. They just validate that it’s perfectly OK for a girl to go through life and behave this way towards men. Remember what Maya Angelou said? “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”
I believed her, so like jujitsu, I have managed my distance with her since.
Well that’s really the appropriate response, but that also should remove her from your mind with any consideration towards dating or getting involved with her romantically. Plus, she’s telling you, “Hey, I’m going to manipulate this situation and make everybody not like you from the office.” It’s probably not good. It’s probably not good to date somebody like that. That’s a deal breaker.
During the following months at the office, her attitude towards were nasty. She yelled at me a couple of times for no reason, got noticeable nervous when near me, did not make eye contact, and in coworker activities like happy hours, she greets everyone but me, becomes close and talks loud but ignores me in my face like if I was the invisible man.
She also has also gotten a couple of male orbiters at the office, which she rubs in my face. The young guy I mentioned is one of them, poor guy I see him running after her around the office like a puppet, she dominates him. When I am nearby she wants to make sure I hear her and loudly talks about how she hangs out at the beach and parties, goes for adventures with her orbiters, her family drama, and how she wishes for a confident men to appear in her life.
Well, any confident man is going to be like, “I don’t want to put up with this truly foul bitch.”
All these months I have kept respect to her as a coworker, and not engaged strictly but for work related stuff, applying the No Contact and Indifference Makes The Difference rules.
Well, quite frankly, this woman you should not be considering her in any way as a romantic prospect after her behavior. She should be trying to win you over and berating you in front of other people and rubbing other dudes in your face and disrespecting you constantly? Nah, because if you start dating her, I mean, she’s gotten away with this abusive behavior all this time, it just communicates, “Hey, do it to me again,” and she will. It’ll probably get even worse. This is probably how she treats her father by the way, so that’s a red flag.
She has noticed this and lately has started to gravitate closer, is sweet and greets me, gives me smiles and invitation stares when passing by my desk for example.
Well, you got to think of it like swimming in a pool of alligators. “Yeah, the alligator is kind of smiling at me.” Yeah? Go in there and swim with the alligator. It’ll rip you apart, spin around and rip your limbs off. It’s like, “No thanks. I’m not going to play in that pond. I’m not going to play in the pond where this girl hangs out. No matter how much she smiles at me.”
One day we were in a group setting and she claimed that I didn’t speak to her anymore, so I asked her to explain herself about it and she avoided the question with a smile on her face.
Yeah, it’s driving her nuts. She’s trying to manipulate the situation so you give her attention again so she can return to berating you.
At this point I have not grown my social circle outside work, so I would say I do not have an abundance of options to hang out, have fun, and hook up.
Well, you shouldn’t be thinking that your office is your only source of meeting women dude. Your real source of meeting women should be what you do for fun. What do you do when you’re not working? Your hobbies, your interests, the places you go, the things you do. You’re trying to put yourself in positions where there are lots of like minded women and men that you can befriend to hang out that are doing the kinds of social activities that you enjoy doing.
You shouldn’t just go to work and then go home and be like, “Well, that’s my social life,” because you’re obviously not getting anywhere, because you’re not hanging out with anybody socially. Besides, are there other girls in the office or is it just the one chick there?
This is why my mind gets distracted with this coworker, I still like her…
Come on, man.
…But also I just cannot trust her, and cannot ask her out again.
I wouldn’t ask her out again and I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. I’d be nice, I’d be respectful, but you got to think about it this way. Interacting with her is like swimming in a pond full of alligators that haven’t eaten in a month. They’ll all grab on to you and spin and tear pieces off. So I would stay away. Stay behind the yellow line on the other side of the fence.
In this workplace situation what would you advice Coach?
Treat her like a hungry alligator. Be nice. Keep your distance. Manage the distance like in jujitsu. Keep her away. I wouldn’t be hanging out with her socially unless there’s other cute girls there and go hang out with them, but you got to be doing other other things besides your work only being your only source of your social life.
Should I follow along her approaches and see where things lead?
I wouldn’t mess with her. It’s like the scorpion and the frog. You mess with her, you’re going to get stung. She’s already stinging you. You’re going, “Oh, I think I like this. I think I’ll ask her out again. Maybe.”
Or should I continue keeping my distance and never look back?
Take care Coach Corey, God bless you!
That’s the best option, in my opinion. I would continue keeping your distance, be respectful at the office. If she’s rude to you and nasty, tell her, “Hey, don’t talk to me like that. You’re being disrespectful and I don’t appreciate it.” Call her out. Put her in her place, but I wouldn’t date her, because again, you’ve seen how she behaves. She has no problem insulting you or berating you in front of other people. So she just doesn’t respect men in general.
Like I said, if you watched her interact with her own father, that’s probably exactly what she does to him. She’s just an absolute jackass to him. He’s like, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Easygoing, easy to get along with and somebody who is nice to you, that’s what you want. You want a girl that’s nice to you and she’s not nice to you. She’s like a scorpion. “Oh, it’s so cute. It stung me. I’m so surprised.” You shouldn’t be.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur