The Fun Hookup Vibe Versus The Serious Relationship Vibe

Why it’s best to have a fun unattached hookup vibe versus the serious relationship vibe.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says things are now going great in his life thanks to studying my work. He says lots of women like and approach him, but he recently got rejected by a woman he met while out and had a good time bar hopping with her. They made out, but it didn’t go any further that night.

She said she definitely wanted to see him again. However, when he tried to setup a dinner date a few days later she said she wasn’t trying to date anyone, just have a good time. He was shocked that he got rejected and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who claims he’s a ladies man. They’re all over him, all throwing themselves at him. He’s exaggerating a little bit, puffing himself up a little bit. I got to break your balls a little bit, dude, because I’ve already been through this particular email.

What’s interesting is that he’s like got all his attention. He went through a difficult time. He’s experiencing the life he dreamed of. He really went through a difficult time. He got laid off. He blew through all his savings. He got himself in a credit card debt, but he got back on his feet, paid off his debt. Now he’s thriving. Things are going well. He also says in this process he joined a CrossFit, an endurance gym, and he’s fully indulged himself into the community and become friends with some really amazing people, he says.

He met a girl and he was out. They started hanging out and going bar hopping. They made out together and hung out all night and she’s like, “Oh, I definitely want to see you again.” Then she texts him like later that night, “I had a really good time,” and he’s like, “Me too.” Then several days later, he gets in touch and invites her on a dinner date, and she rejects him, and he’s thinking, “You know, in the past, I would always just do casual drinks or whatever, but sometimes when I do the dinner date, girls flake on me.”

This is a good email to go through, because I think some things were going on when they were hanging out together because he really liked this girl. He was thinking, “Hey, this is my once-in-a-decade girl here.” So because he was drinking, he probably overindulged. Plus, she was drinking too. She had a buzz on. So once she sobered up, she probably wasn’t feeling the same way. I mean, those things happen. Girls do it, guys do it. You’re really into somebody, you got the beer goggles on, “This is great. She’s got to be my next girlfriend. She’s my future ex-wife, Coach. You don’t understand.”

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been a serious student for a couple years now and I’m experiencing the life that I once dreamed of. 

Note that I was recently laid off, blew through my savings, fell into credit card debt, and with persistence am back on my feet, debt free, and thriving.

Well congratulations, dude!

Through the process, I joined a CrossFit/endurance gym and have fully indulged myself into the community and have become friends with some really amazing people. 

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been: I’m training for a half marathon, doing well at my new sales job and I’m attracting more women than I ever have before.

Well, that’s good. You’re happy and you’re doing well. Women notice happy guys. They come out of the woodwork to get your attention, because the world is full of miserable people. You don’t believe me? Just turn on social media and look at all the people crying about their lives in the Tik Tok.

In fact, just the other day when I was walking through a park, five separate women went out of their way to notice me. It’s also become the norm for girls from my new gym to approach and introduce themselves to me while I’m out. It’s honestly pretty awesome. I’m a new man and this is ultimately a success story.

It’s nice that all these women are checking you out, but are you making dates and hanging out, having fun and hooking up?

With this new sense of swagger, I’ve been on top of the world, but I recently struck out with three different beautiful women. I’ve read your book well over 30 times. I’m a serious student…

“I’m a serious student. I’m too robotic.”

…Have had wonderful successes, but I’m noticing a recent trend in them as to why I may be striking out for 2nd and 3rd dates. 

Meeting women through cold approach is a numbers game and I embrace that. I also embrace that part of being a man is getting punched in the mouth and getting back up again…

Yep. Get knocked down, get back up again.

…But I want to share my latest rejection to see if I should adjust my approach. 

I met a girl while I was out, we instantly connected and ended up bar hopping through the night together.

So when things are going well, hang out, have fun, hook up. This is part of the seduction process. You said you’ve been through the book 30 times, so if you’re all over each other, then why aren’t you saying, “Hey, let’s get out of here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine,” or “Let’s go back to my place, have a nightcap,” or “Hey, let’s go back to my place and hop in the Jacuzzi and have open a bottle of wine,” or “Let’s make some drinks. We’ll grab some shrimp on the Barbie?” There will probably be a few Australians, “Coach, the accent sucks. You gotta work on it. Have a good day. Go to Outback.” I love Australians. “G’day, mate!”

We made out throughout our time spent and at the time, thought I was meeting one of those once-in-a-decade girls.

Aha! You put her on a pedestal. “Oh,I gotta be nice.” Notice what he says next.

Hang out, have fun, and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed, touched and seduced, you hook up, but what does he say?

I kept it in my pants and remained smooth. Don’t worry, I have it down. 

Doesn’t sound like it.

If you’re making out together, again the idea is to go from that venue to hooking up, and that didn’t happen. Thirty times you’ve read the book, and it didn’t go ding ding, ding! She’s ready to go home, but now he’s gone, “I got to be respectful. I must keep it in my pants. I must be a gentleman.” She doesn’t want you to be a gentleman. She wants to get fucked. That’s what happened. She wanted to get fucked, and you’re all over her, but she didn’t escalate.

As our night ended and we parted ways, she insisted on seeing me again.

Keep in mind, she’s been drinking all night. “I kept it in my pants.” Well, she didn’t want you to keep it in the pants.

She voluntarily texted me to tell me that she had a great time around 2:30 a.m. when she got home.

Keep in mind, she’s hammered, so you got to take that with a grain of salt.

The next day, I told her that I did too then waited a couple days to schedule a date. 

She didn’t answer my call, but texted me in return. When I asked when she’d be free to get together for dinner, to my surprise, she told me that she enjoyed our time together, but isn’t looking to date right now and is just having fun. 

She didn’t want you to keep it in her pants, but you were being Mr. Respectful. “I must be serious. This is a once-in-a-decade woman, Coach. I must be extra nice to her.”

I responded by saying, “No problem at all. I’m just having fun myself and dating around here and there so if you’d like to ever just meet out for drinks, text me anytime.”

There you go. That’s all you have to do.

What would I have done differently? If it was me and I’m in your shoes and this girl’s all over me like this, I would have been taking her home. She’s clearly out to have a good time. You say, “Coach, but she was drinking.” Well, how drunk was she? How buzzed was she? You do have to be careful about that. You don’t want it to be like she’s passed out. You don’t want to Bill Cosby her ass.

If she’s all over you like white on rice because you’re a handsome, charming James Bond wannabe, then who are you to say no? As she said, “She enjoyed our time together, but isn’t looking to date right now and is just having fun.” So what have you communicated? “This is a once-in-a-lifetime girl, Coach. I’m going to make her my girlfriend.” You’re too serious. You gave off that vibe that you were too serious instead of just having fun. Remember, “I kept it in my pants.” She didn’t want you to keep it in her pants. She wanted you to put it in her pants with her pants off.

He responded by saying, well, we already know. “Just having fun myself and dating around here and there. So if you’d ever like to just meet out for drinks, text me any time. Hey, boo boo, let’s get some bud lights and no picnic basket.”

No big deal, on to the next. I share this because I’ve had another recent experience as well, and am wondering if it’s because I am asking them out to dinner too soon. 

You’re just being too serious. If you met, you’re partying, you’re having drinks and having casual things, it’s like, go meet her out at a wine bar. Meet her out when she’s not already drunk, see if you like her then. Instead you got all serious because in your mind, she won the race. You’re projecting your Disney fantasy, and you completely missed it. She was just down to hook up and have a good time.

Notice she says next, because all relationships start out as casual hanging out, having fun and hooking up. “I must be a robot.”

I used to just meet girls out for drinks then bada-bing bada-boom, but now, I’m trying to be a classier dude…

Oh, so you’re being extra nice and compliant. “Oh, I’m keeping it in my pants, Coach. I want to be classy.” No, she doesn’t want you to be classy. She wants you to fuck her brains out.

…And with that, do dinners for 2nd dates instead.

If you’re hanging out, bar hopping, meeting girls out, bar hopping and they’re partying, having a good time and hooking up, then that’s the kind of thing you should be doing. If you met her at a friend’s barbecue over the weekend, you hung out, you had a really good time, you clicked, you had some drinks, it was clear she liked you, maybe you even walked her to her car when she left, you made out after you exchanged numbers, yeah you’re going to go to a dinner date and something nice with a girl like that. When you’re out bar hopping, you’re young, you’re in college, you got to think about the mindset and what the vibe is that’s going on there. This girl was down to hook up and down to go home with you. Instead, you put her on a pedestal. You’re like, “Oh, will you please be my wife? Oh, I love you. Oooh!”

How’s my cooing? Like a dove. How’s that sound? That’s a pretty good dove impression. I’m impressed by it. Thank you.

What happened was everything was working. Then you’re like, “I’m going to be serious now.” No, be casual. It was working for you. You obviously like bar hopping, hanging out and doing things of that nature. So if you’re meeting girls out in that kind of environment, do that. If you’re meeting women at work that are dressed up in business and it’s a little more professional, she’s does well, you’re going to probably want to go to dinner ideally if you don’t know the girl well, especially in this case, you’re both probably pretty hammered. So meet her out at a wine bar, have a glass or two of wine and then you can always roll over to somewhere else. Go throw some axes, play some darts, shoot some pool, maybe some bowling, maybe some Top Golf, which is a great fun date venue. Great food, they got drinks. It’s fun. Just don’t fall off the balcony, please. They have nets so you don’t fall. Don’t be an idiot. Don’t be a Tik Tok video crashing and burning, please. Thank you.

I never really over thought this before but now I’m beginning to think that asking girls out to dinner (Before their attraction is 6+) applies too much pressure. 

Well again, it’s the vibe of how you guys met. How did you meet? You’re hanging out in a bar, bar hopping and she’s hung out with you? It’s like after the second or third venue, especially when you guys were all over each other, she’d be like, “Hey, let’s go back to my place.” I just hop in an Uber and go. Instead, “I kept it in my pants. I must be a gentleman.” She didn’t want you to be a gentleman. She wanted you to beat up her pelvis and not create any drama or stress in her life. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

What are your thoughts on this? On one hand I want to be classy and court classier women, but on the other hand, it hasn’t been working that well.

Well, if you meet girls out bar hopping and they’re drinking, partying, looking to have a good time, again, depending on what you do, I would have just been like, “Hey, it’s me for drinks.” That’s a casual kind of thing, because again, you were both drunk.

Keep in mind, I live in Commifornia and am only striking out this much because I’m also taking more at bats than ever before. 

Thanks Coach,

Bob

Well that’s good. You miss 100% of the pitches that you do not swing at. Again, you got to keep in mind, what was the venue like? How did you guys meet? That’s the important thing. That’s where you just tweak it a little bit. If you’re just hanging out, drinks, “OK, let’s meet for drinks. Hey, I want to see your face. When are you available to meet up for some drinks? There’s a really cool bar. There’s a really cool jazz club.There’s a really cool wine bar. There is a really cool place that’s playing some live music.”

Again, it depends on the type of venue that you meet or if you meet her at the country club, you’re going to probably go to dinner. You meet her at the yacht club, you’re going to probably go to maybe a wine bar and then a dinner or something like that. Again, a case-by-case. If you’re out partying, sororities, it’s like those girls just want easy, unattached sex, so be that guy and then let them convince you to be their boyfriend down the road. You’re kind of putting the cart before the horse, and it’s the vibe that you’re giving off. They don’t want you to be respectful. They want you to be nice, dangerous, but kind, but they’re out to get their pelvis beat up, so take care of it.

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