The Importance Of Maintaining Emotional Self Control

The importance of maintaining emotional self control with women.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is a long time follower, but hasn’t been very diligent in reading the book and applying it. He met a girl online and he wasn’t that into her at first. Then after a few dates and hooking up, he became dopey and lost his cool and emotional self control. Things spiraled quickly.

She got angry and called him a liar and then dipped. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who says he’s a longtime follower, but it doesn’t look like he’s been very diligent in reading and applying 3% Man just because of some of the things he did. He kind of lost his cool with his girl he was seeing. You could tell she backed him into a corner and he didn’t really know how to handle it.

He started dating this girl. He met her online. He says he wasn’t really that into her at first, wasn’t even really that excited about going on a date. Then after a couple of dates and hooking up, he says he became dopey, lost his cool, lost his emotional self-control. She got angry at him, called him a liar and it kind of looks like she may be a little bit of a wacko as well, so there’s that.

This is what is often going to happen when you’re meeting chicks on dating apps. Again, women that come from good families that are beautiful, that have a good social circle, they’re just typically not going to be on a dating app because they meet plenty of good dudes through their social circles and in person. I mean, you’re going to have times where a girl does come from a good family, and maybe she doesn’t, is not from the area and she moved there, doesn’t really know anybody, but you’re just going to have a higher incidence of women that are just screwed up on dating apps. You’re going to have much, especially in this day and age, everybody’s got their face buried in their phone, developing your social skills to the point where you can meet women any time, any place, anywhere. It’s going to really set yourself apart from the average guys that you may be competing against.

Plus, if a girl is on a dating app, you got to remember she’s got all the leverage. There’s way more dudes typically in the dating app, so she kind of has her pick. If you screw up a little bit, there’s like 10 other dudes ready to take your place. So you got to think about these things. Plus, you don’t know them. You haven’t met them. Whereas if you meet somebody in person, you can see their body language, they can see yours, you can be around each other, you can give the woman a feeling of safety and comfort because she’s met you, she feels your vibe out and what it’s like to be around you. She’s going to feel much safer and things typically are going to go a lot better, especially if you meet them through your social network, like you’re hanging out at a friend’s house over the weekend at a barbecue, or you’re all getting together to watch college football or some kind of sporting event, basketball, whatever it happens to be, a Christmas party, a New Year’s party or something like that, and everybody’s together, everybody kind of knows each other. You get social proof you’re kind of safe because you’re part of the same group, and you can oftentimes spend several hours with the girl in person, and sometimes it goes well enough that you might even leave with her and she’ll go home with you. In that case, it’s just much easier. You can pick them up, they’ll come to your house because again, it’s much better and easier to create rapport in person versus the dating apps.

This is the downside of being on the dating apps, which you kind of see here. This girl acts a little, she may just be nice. You know, one of the things she was calling him was, “Honey” and he like took that as like, “Well, that’s really personal name,” but some women, they say, “I love you” to everybody or, “Honey, baby, my love.” They say things like that just because that’s how they talk. You shouldn’t overrate those kind of things to mean that you’re more important to her than you actually are. It’s always better to underrate a woman’s interest in you, because when you overrate it, that’s when things tend to go sideways as we found out with the video newsletter that I did today also, “I Used The Takeaway When She Suggested Brunch or Lunch & Never Heard Back.” That was the same thing. The guy way overrated her interest and his game just really kind of came apart after a few dates.

So let’s go through this guy’s email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Long-time devotee to your book and work.

My story: I met a girl on an app. I was traveling as a DJ to multiple cities then, so we just got to know each other through text. So I set a date about three weeks in advance and chatted until then. I had low involvement at the time, just like, “Hey, this girl is cute. Why not see where this goes?” When it came time for the first date, I didn’t even want to go. I wasn’t so sure I was into her. I did go, and things started off normal like asking questions, etc. Afterward, we took a walk on the water. She got close to me, so I put my arm around her. We sat on a bench, and I made a move. From there, we went to get a drink and went our separate ways. When I got home from the date, I got an unusual text, “Honey, did you get home safe?”

I don’t really think that’s unusual. I mean, some girls are like that. Some girls are like, My love. Honey. Baby. Oh, I love you. You’re so great.” That’s just the way some of them talk. If you haven’t had enough experience, you’re probably not used to that. So you shouldn’t ever take a woman’s words as like, “Oh wow, she’s really serious about me.” Just bottom line the actions.

Now, I was taken aback that after one date she called me honey but went with it.

Again, that’s probably because you’re very young and you don’t have a lot of experience with the ladies. I think it’s nice and sweet because girls can be very nice and sweet. So I appreciate that.

We continue to date, and there was a lot of enthusiasm on her part in the beginning, and my feelings were increasing over the course of a few weeks. She would text me everyday, call me, “Honey,” say things like we were a cute couple, holding my hand, intense make-out sessions. I was really falling into this “Couple vibe.”

Yeah, so she hypnotized you with your words or her words. Bad way to go, my man. Always judge a woman by what she does, not what she says. Some girls just are nice and sweet. You know, they see an old lady online and, “Oh, I love you. You’re so sweet.” I mean, I call women “Honey,” that I don’t know. It’s just a nice, sweet, endearing thing to say. Especially if girl is waiting tables and waiting on you. It’s like I’ll say that if she’s really nice and kind. It’s not a big deal.

She reeled me in, and unfortunately I was getting “Goo-goo ga-ga.”

Yeah, that’s a bad way to go, my man. Don’t get dopey.

We were going on about two dates a week. On the 4th date, for whatever reason, she was distant to me at the start of the date. Feeling her pull away, I was reacting, telling her how much I like her,  and wasn’t getting the reciprocation.

Bro, you’ve been a long time follower and you get mad that a girl is not showing you attention and you complain about it. Yeah, the guy from the email earlier that I mentioned, like he was the same way. He’s been following me for seven years, I think he said. Then when I looked at what he did and how he behaved on a date, he just kind of acted like an amateur for the most part.

I was talking about us taking trips together, etc.

Again, this is the opposite of what the book teaches. You’ve been following me for a long time. As soon as you start to like a girl, just you just completely fall apart.

Slowly but surely, she opened up to me toward the end of the date, going back to holding my hand and kissing. On the 5th date, she made dinner for me. Once again cold to start, then warmed up. We finally hooked up. It was fun but didn’t hit out of the park. I noticed later she became active on the dating site we met.

What does that tell you? Her interest went down probably because your dick game wasn’t very good, so she was already gone. Let’s see what else is out there.

Still talking to me everyday, still calling me, “Honey.” On the 6th date, for whatever reason, it was a magical date. Hooked up again and it was way better the second time. On the 7th date, she was again cold to start and warmed up toward the end. In a moment of weakness, while I said goodbye to her I said, “I cared about her.”  

It’s not the end of the world, but you’re starting to communicate that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. Bad way to go.

She set up an 8th date for a Thursday, the five-week mark, still calling me her “Honey,” etc.

Again, some girls are just sweet like that, so don’t take it like it means she’s ready to have your children.

This is on a Tuesday. Then on a Wednesday, she calls me and says, “You said something to me in the car a few weeks ago and it bothered me. I don’t know if we are compatible.”

I would say, “What do you mean? Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way. Well, what did I say that upset you?”

I was in shock. It was like a 180 to me from the day before. I got defensive and she picked up on it. Then, the next day, she cancels the date (Sick).

Yeah, so obviously you didn’t handle the phone call well either.

She called me Friday and started drilling me with questions. Details of what I said that bothered her from my past…

So he’s talking about negative things from his past. Again, you’ve been following me for a while, and you’re doing and saying things in the date that are turning this girl off. Gotta read the book 10 to 15 times. Guys that don’t take me seriously make stupid mistakes like this.

…Didn’t align with what I said a few weeks ago.

That’s not good.

Then she called me a liar.

Were you lying to her? Your stories aren’t adding up.

Again, why are you talking about negative things in your past if it’s not positive? Keep it to yourself, but he got dopey and he thought, “Oh well, she’s calling me ‘Honey.’ She must think of me as her boyfriend already.” “Pride cometh before the fall,” as they say.

Her attitude towards me was spiraling the last few days, I wonder if she is bipolar or what.

It’s possible.

Then Saturday, she calls me to break up with me.

Bro, you weren’t together. You weren’t in a relationship. Again, that’s part of the problem. You way overrated her interest in where you were at with her.

I said the issue was a misunderstanding (e.g., I’m not a liar) and asked for her to reconsider. She said she would. It’s now been three days, and I will treat this as any no contact. 

I fell pray to not having emotional self-control. The love bombing, affection and sex got me dopey.

Well, I don’t know a girl calling you “Honey,” is exactly love bombing. The other thing to consider is that remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. Somebody that goes around saying they’re being love bombed and that they dated a narcissist, and everybody they date is a narcissist, typically is projecting. So it sounds like you overrated her interest. It’s possible she’s bipolar, but like I said, from what you said, it doesn’t really seem that way, but it seems like she got triggered when she assumed that you were a liar because your stories were not adding up. Maybe she’s dated people that have lied to her and she’s got a wound with that, so that’s why she kind of lashed out and you didn’t handle it very well.

I wish I could just download the contents of your book into my system and rewrite all my bad programming.

Well, that’s why I say read it 10 to 15 times. You can’t cherry pick and then be shocked that your your game sucks. Rewiring your brain. Whatever you observe, you participate in. Part of why you read it 10 to 15 times is because you get to know the book so well that you get to teach a class on it. Then you don’t really have to think about what you need to do and say. If you’re cherry picking because you’re lazy and you’re half-assing it, which quite frankly from your performance, it looks like that’s what you’ve done, even though you’ve been following me for years, you’ve just been half-assing it and cherry picking things because you’re lazy like most people are. Now you met a girl and as soon as you started caring, you totally came apart, totally came unglued.

I’ve been doing this 20 years. I’ve been teaching this. I mastered this stuff years before that, so I know what works. If you don’t want to listen, like when I do phone sessions, most of the time when I talk to guys doing phone sessions, I’d say probably 80% of them we always laugh because they’re like, “I didn’t read the book 10 to 15 times,” or “I’ve been following you for three years. I just got the book last week.” I was like, “Oh, that’s great.” Even though it’s been free to read on my website, you still haven’t read it and then you wonder why you make dumb mistakes like this.

Like a system wipe of my emotional weakness.

Again, you have to read the book. That’s what it takes. You got to spend the time. If you’re not willing to spend the time, well then you’re just a shitty student.

I’ll keep reading and getting out there (I already went on a date since this happened). But of course, I’m a little empty because I wish I hadn’t given the, “Liking her more than she likes me” vibes. I’d probably still be with her.

Bob

Yep.

Again, this is all on you because you didn’t take the time to learn the book. All I can do is suggest. If you don’t want to listen, well it’s usually when you get burned like this that you go, “Alright, I’m gonna finally listen to this dude.” I’ve also had lots of times I do phone sessions with guys that are like, “You know, I’ve been following you for five years. I read the book once six years ago,” or whatever, “Five years ago. I haven’t gone back to it, but you know what? I read it twice in the last week because this really stinks.” Whatever it takes. Pain is life’s change agent. So getting rejected, getting your heart broken, for a lot of you guys, that usually is what it’s going to take, or your wife serving you with divorce papers, or your wife telling you she’s not in love with you and doesn’t know whether she wants to stay with you anymore. That oftentimes is motivating enough for a guy that just cherry picked and only focused on pickup skills and dating skills from the book and ignored everything else.

Again, I know it works. If you want to listen, it will help you. If you don’t and you want to half-ass it and do it your way, you’re going to be licking your wounds a lot. I’ve been through all this. I learned this the hard way myself, and I’ve been doing this and teaching it for 20 years now. So take me seriously when I say read the book 10 to 15 times. If you don’t, you’ll be probably sending me an email like this or end up in an emergency phone session with me panicking because you’re trying to save something that’s going sideways on you after you made a lot of mistakes. So I’m just trying to help you guys avoid pain and avoid mistakes.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.